Argument147 【CSMY作文互改小组】第一次作业 欢迎互改

yiran27UID: 2201423

TOPIC: ARGUMENT147 - The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.

"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."
WORDS: 305          TIME: 0:30:00          DATE: 2006-12-30

第一次字数很少~~

提纲
b1最喜欢lifelike不代表playe 会买
b2 即使他们会买也要考虑竞争对手的情况
b3调查的样本不一定是产品的主攻年龄段
b4要考虑长期的发展情况


The memo concludes that sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months by a survey. But after scrutinizing the details of the survey, we can see the conclusion is groundless.

The survey asked the players what is the most important in a video game gets an answer that they response the lifelike graphics is not adequate to prove that the Whirlwind games will be popular with the players. The game requires the most up-to-date computers, but only few players can have latest computer. Most players have the computes which are used for long time.

In addition, even if they have computer late enough to play such games, it is not likely that they will choose the Whirlwind game. There are so many other game is also lifelike games, maybe better than Whirlwind. Without a survey about other games we cannot deduce that the sales of Whirlwind will be increase.

Another question is that they get the answer from the players without mention their age and the game is supposed to conduct at people 10 to 25. It is possible that the player like lifelike games are people older 25 or younger than 10, so that the an extensive advertising campaign for Whirlwind games is in vain at last.

Moreover, a recent survey is conducted for the taste of the players at the moment, which may changed in the next few months by the fashion or other things. They still need a longtime analysis about market. The market is changing every minute.

In sum, the evidence is not enough to illustrate that Whirlwind games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months. More investigation is needed, such as the condition about the competitors, the more exact survey among people at 10 to 25 and an analysis for the taste of players in the future.

[ 本帖最后由 yiran27 于 2006-12-31 22:13 编辑 ]

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Argument 147 【CSMY作文互改小组】第一次作业 欢迎互改
TOPIC: ARGUMENT147 - The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.

"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."
WORDS: 305          TIME: 0:30:00          DATE: 2006-12-30

第一次字数很少~~

提纲
b1最喜欢lifelike不代表playe player 会买
b2 即使他们会买也要考虑竞争对手的情况
b3调查的样本不一定是产品的主攻年龄段
b4要考虑长期的发展情况


The memo concludes that sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months by a survey 最好不要完全复述原文的结论，in the survey. But after 增加carefully scrutinizing the details of the survey, we can see the conclusion is groundless.

The survey asked the players what is the most important in a video game gets an answer that they response the lifelike graphics is not adequate to prove that the Whirlwind games will be popular with the players 这句话毛病很多. The game requires the most up-to-date computers, but only few players can have latest computer. Most players have the computes which are used for long time.

In addition, even if they have computer late enough to play such games, it is not likely that they will choose the Whirlwind game. There are so many other game is also lifelike games games with lifelike graphics, maybe better than Whirlwind Maybe other games are better than Whirlwind. Without a survey about other games we cannot deduce that the sales of Whirlwind will be cancel be increase.

Another question is that they get the answer from the players without mention mentioning their age and the game is supposed to conduct at people 10 to 25. It is possible that the player like lifelike games are people older than 25 or younger than 10, so that the cancel the an extensive advertising campaign for Whirlwind games is in vain at last.

Moreover, a recent survey is conducted for the taste of the players at the moment, which may changed change in the next few months by the fashion or other things. They still need a longtime analysis about market. The market is changing every minute 你这段的TS更像个论据，TS写得不好.

In sum, the evidence is not enough to illustrate that Whirlwind games 是销量增加，不是游戏增加 are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months 最好不要完全复述原文的结论. More investigation is needed, such as the condition about the competitors, the more exact survey among people at 10 to 25 and an analysis for the taste of players in the future.

问题：提纲提炼不够