Argument149 【CSMY作文互改第四小组】自己的作业

ctexUID: 2241178

ARGUMENT149 - The following is a memorandum from the director of personnel to the president of Get-Away Airlines.
"Since our mechanics are responsible for inspecting and maintaining our aircraft, Get-Away Airlines should pay to send them to the Quality-Care Seminar, a two-week seminar on proper maintenance procedures. I recommend this seminar because it is likely to be a wise investment, given that the automobile racing industry recently reported that the performance of its maintenance crews improved markedly after their crews had attended the seminar. These maintenance crews perform many of the same functions as do our mechanics, including refueling and repairing engines. The money we spend on sending our staff to the seminar will inevitably lead to improved maintenance and thus to greater customer satisfaction along with greater profits for our airline."
WORDS: 316          TIME: 上午 12:30:00          DATE: 2007-1-18In AWP
Second edition: 442Words

Through citing a successful case in the automobile racing industry, the director of personnel of GA recommend to the president that GA should pay to send their mechanics to the Quality-Care Seminar. Moreover, the director optimistically predicts that the customer satisfaction and profits of GA will also enjoy a great increase. Close scrutiny to the memo reveals that there are several flaws as follows.

To begin with,【whether GA’s mechanics need such a seminar for training is open to question.】the director relies on an unwarranted assumption that GA's mechanics indeed need such a seminar concerning inspecting and maintaining. The author fails to provide any solid evidence to support it. If GA's mechanics have arrived at a certain high level in the field of inspecting and maintaining and are fully qualified for their work at a high effective way, the seminar seems unnecessary for them. It appears reasonable, therefore, for the GA to spend more money to improve its other service.

Secondly, the author presumptuously assumes that the successful case in the automobile racing will definitely guarantee the success of GA mechanics through attending the same seminar. the director fails to afford any information about the seminar. It is entirely possible that the seminar is particularly designed for the maintenance crews in the automobile industry. If so, the courses and skills taught in the seminar will help little to enhance GA's mechanics 'level. In addition, the director fails to recognize that there are inherently disparities in two different fields. Though the maintenance crews in the automobile racing industry perform many of the same functions as do GA's mechanics, common sense tells me that there are great distinctions among engines employed by automobiles and airplane. In fact, airplanes usually adopt turbine engines as their power, while automobiles internal combustion engine.

Thirdly, the director over-optimistically predicts that the course of action of sending their mechanics to training will be bound to lead to the rise of degree of customer satisfaction and profits. In fact, customer mainly concerns about the punctuality of the scheduled flight, the on-board service, and ticket price as well as the efficiency of luggage processing. As for the profits, they involve many factors such as the GA's management level, the cost of operation, and the number of passengers and so on. Therefore improving the level of inspecting and maintaining may have little influence on the customer satisfaction and profits.

In sum, the director's recommendation is unpersuasive. To convince the president, first, he should substantiate that GA's mechanics indeed need such a seminar. Second, he should provide evidence that the seminar will benefit the mechanics' level undoubtedly. Meanwhile, in order to improve customer satisfaction and profits, only sending mechanics to a seminar is not enough.

最後の使徒UID: 2257608

第一段的主题句whether GA’s mechanics need such a seminar for training is open to question.不太合适
事实上整个ARGUMENT都是在说GA要不要搞这个东西，所以你更合适的是说GA是不是存在一些缺陷而这些缺陷需要用这种seminar进行改进
另外各段之间可以用让步假设进行连接，比如BODY第二段开头可以假设GA有缺陷，然后置疑SEMINAR有没有用，错误类比等等。
还有这句In fact, customer mainly concerns about the punctuality of the scheduled flight, the on-board service, and ticket price as well as the efficiency of luggage processing.
最好加个As we know, In commonsense, ...customers may mainly concern...这样你的话就不会显得没有依据了，虽然有些是常识性的论据但是如果不说明还是会显得很突兀
论证上比前一篇有很大进步，继续加油吧。
离2月7号还20天呢，相信还能有不小的改进。

kito9695UID: 209685

seat taken^——^
明天帮你看看哈~今天熄灯了，来不及了

[ 本帖最后由 kito9695 于 2007-1-20 23:59 编辑 ]