Aero第三次作业 argument234

sheldenUID: 2338299

TOPIC: ARGUMENT234 - The following appeared in a newspaper feature story.

"There is now evidence that the relaxed manner of living in small towns promotes better health and greater longevity than does the hectic pace of life in big cities. Businesses in the small town of Leeville report fewer days of sick leave taken by individual workers than do businesses in the nearby large city of Mason City. Furthermore, Leeville has only one physician for its one thousand residents, but in Mason City the proportion of physicians to residents is five times as high. And the average age of Leeville residents is significantly higher than that of Mason City residents. These findings suggest that people seeking longer and healthier lives should consider moving to small communities."
WORDS: 320 (30min 修改后500)         TIME: 00:30:00          DATE: 2007-12-27 11:01:30

In this news, the author suggests people to move to small communities in order to have a longer and healthier life. To bolster this suggestion, he provides evidence on the different manner of work between small towns and big cities. Also he compares a certain small town Leeville and the city nearby, Mason, to support his idea. Unfortunately, the effectivity of reasoning is weakened by a couple of logical flaws.

Firstly, in the first sentence, the author provides a meaningless contrast. He compares the relaxed manner of living in small towns and hectic pace of life in big cities together, so it is puzzled that I have no idea whether the style of work or the living place is responsible for this dissimilarities on health. It is totally possible that under the condition of taking the same work, people in big cities enjoy a better health. After all, without more details on this comparison, the author cannot draw any conclusions on whether the quantity of work or the living places influence people's health.

Secondly, the author mentions that Leeville has only one physician while in the Mason City the rate is much higher. It is obvious that the author depends on a presumptuous assumption that the more doctors, the lower health level. But in the ancient years, there were no doctors in many places and the development of medicine just started, while the health level is remarkablely lower than nowadays. Furthermore, this evidence shows us the reason why the report of days of sick leave taken is fewer than the business people in large which means made the reasoning of this article self-contradictory. It is possible that there are not enough doctors in towns but easier for the citizens to find one. Also, the representative of people in large cities by only businessman should be doubted.

Thirdly, the author fails to give more evidence of the average age of both places. Perhaps the people working in Mason move to Leeville after they retired, and the average life time of citizens are more than those of villagers, finally leaving a result that the average age of Leeville residents is significantly higher than that of Mason City residents. All in all, without more details of the average age of both places, hast conclusion would be made.

At last, nearly all the evidence argued by author are based on Leeville and Mason Even if we consider all the facts the author cites contributes to his suggestion, only a couple of country and city cannot bolster the idea.
As mentioned above, this news is unsubstantiated as it stands. To better evaluated, the author should provide more details to show the most significant factors of the heath level. Also, the data should be more representative to give a clear support to the suggestion. At last, I advise the author to widen his eyesight out of the only two places to the whole society which may help him to analyze this issue further and deeper.

谢谢为我批改的同学

[ 本帖最后由 shelden 于 2007-12-28 09:14 编辑 ]

houyanchunUID: 2432949

TOPIC: ARGUMENT234 - The following appeared in a newspaper feature story.

"There is now evidence that the relaxed manner of living in small towns promotes better health and greater longevity than does the hectic pace of life in big cities. Businesses in the small town of Leeville report fewer days of sick leave taken by individual workers than do businesses in the nearby large city of Mason City. Furthermore, Leeville has only one physician for its one thousand residents, but in Mason City the proportion of physicians to residents is five times as high. And the average age of Leeville residents is significantly higher than that of Mason City residents. These findings suggest that people seeking longer and healthier lives should consider moving to small communities."
WORDS: 320 (30min 修改后500)         TIME: 00:30:00          DATE: 2007-12-27 11:01:30

In this news, the author suggests people to move to small communities in order to have a longer and healthier life. To bolster this suggestion, he provides evidence on the different manner of work between small towns and big cities. Also he compares a certain small town Leeville and the city nearby, Mason, to support his idea. Unfortunately, the effectivity of reasoning is weakened by a couple of logical flaws.

Firstly, in the first sentence, the author provides a meaningless contrast. He compares the relaxed manner of living in small towns and hectic pace of life in big cities together, so it is puzzled that I have no idea whether the style of work or the living place is responsible for this dissimilarities on health. It is totally possible that under the condition of taking the same work, people in big cities enjoy a better health. After all, without more details on this comparison, the author cannot draw any conclusions on whether the quantity of work or the living places influence people's health.

Secondly, the author mentions that Leeville has only one physician while in the Mason City the rate is much higher. It is obvious that the author depends on a presumptuous assumption that the more doctors, the lower health level. But in the ancient years, there were no doctors in many places and the development of medicine just started, while the health level is remarkablely lower than nowadays. Furthermore, this evidence shows us the reason why the report of days of sick leave taken is fewer than the business people in large which means made the reasoning of this article self-contradictory.（?） It is possible that there are not enough doctors in towns but easier for the citizens to find one. Also, the representative of people in large cities by only businessman should be doubted.

Thirdly, the author fails to give more evidence of the average age of both places. Perhaps the people working in Mason move to Leeville after they retired, and the average life time of citizens are more than those of villagers, finally leaving a result that the average age of Leeville residents is significantly higher than that of Mason City residents. All in all, without more details of the average age of both places, hast conclusion would be made.

At last, nearly all the evidence argued by author are based on Leeville and Mason Even if we consider all the facts the author cites contributes to his suggestion, only a couple of country and city cannot bolster the idea.
As mentioned above, this news is unsubstantiated as it stands. To better evaluated, the author should provide more details to show the most significant factors of the heath level. Also, the data should be more representative to give a clear support to the suggestion. At last, I advise the author to widen his eyesight out of the only two places to the whole society which may help him to analyze this issue further and deeper.
加油。注意一下表达和句子的结构，也许有时简洁一点会清楚一点。呵呵，写的不错，加油。

liuyingbnuUID: 2321970

In this news, the author suggests people to move to small communities in order to have a longer and healthier life. To bolster this suggestion, he provides evidence on the different manner(s) of work between small towns and big cities. Also he compares a certain small town Leeville and the city nearby, Mason, to support his idea. Unfortunately, the effectivity(efficiency) of reasoning is weakened by a couple of logical flaws.

Firstly, in the first sentence, the author provides a meaningless contrast. He compares the relaxed manner of living in small towns and hectic pace of life in big cities together, so it is puzzled (so puzzling is it )that I have no idea whether the style of work or the living place is responsible for this dissimilarities on health.（I am not clear about this） It is totally possible that under the condition of taking the same work, people in big cities enjoy a better health. After all, without more details on this comparison, the author cannot draw any conclusions on whether the quantity of work or the living places influence(s) people's health.

Secondly, the author mentions that Leeville has only one physician while in the Mason City the rate is much higher. It is obvious that the author depends on a presumptuous assumption that the more doctors, the lower health level. But in the ancient years, there were no doctors in many places and the development of medicine just started, while the health level is remarkablely(remarkably) lower than nowadays. Furthermore, this evidence shows us the reason why the report of days of sick leave taken is fewer than the business people in large which means made the reasoning of this article self-contradictory.(这点抓得很好) It is possible that there are not enough doctors in towns but easier for the citizens to find one. Also, the representative of people in large cities by only businessman should be doubted.

Thirdly, the author fails to give more evidence of the average age of both places. Perhaps the people working in Mason move to Leeville after they retired, and the average life time of citizens are more than those of villagers, finally leaving a result that the average age of Leeville residents is significantly higher than that of Mason City residents. All in all, without more details of the average age of both places, hast conclusion would be made.

At last, nearly all the evidence argued by author are based on Leeville and Mason Even if we consider all the facts the author cites contributes to his suggestion, only a couple of country and city cannot bolster the idea.
As mentioned above, this news is unsubstantiated as it stands. To better evaluated, the author should provide more details to show the most significant factors of the heath level. Also, the data should be more representative to give a clear support to the suggestion. At last, I advise the author to widen his eyesight out of the only two places to the whole society which may help him to analyze this issue further and deeper.

文章分析清楚，简单明了，抓了5个问题，而且问题抓得还有自己的见解，能在规定时间内完成，确实很不容易。我要好好学习啊！
有些小问题，我自己感觉在argument里面更注重的逻辑，而不是语言，如果拿不准容易出错的句式或者单词，最好就不要用，而且一般倒装、强调之类的句子都很抢眼。
呵呵，水平有限，不正之处，见谅！