ISSUE5|0806G-AW小组|第一次作业

liuchun1987UID: 2398171

ISSUE 5

Is it a good adoption for a nation to require all its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college rather than allow schools in different parts of the nation to determine which academic course to offer?I agree insofar as adoption of some common core curriculum would serve useful purpose for any part of the nation.However,my  disargeement lies in the difference of the diverse parts of the nation and the purpose of education.
Firstly, it is difficult for a nation to choose a common curriculum as an exclusive one under the situation of lacking the standard educational level.The criterion required for school education in different areas could differ a lot because of the distinct extent to which different parts of nation develop.For instance,in some developed region,rife use of internet,frequent intercommunication between famous schools,lecture of invited educational experts can be provided to high school,facilitating the school education.In such area,adoption of higher education level from nation is required or will limit the students' ability to study further .However,if the high education level is applied without regarding
other parts of the nation,it would pose a great problem for the students in undeveloped area in which the useful ,modern manner of study may be hardly satisfied .In that way,determining academic courses by the region itself is a beneficial option.
Secondly,different curriculum adoption also depend on the difference of diverse culture,educational backgrounds,habits and religion in various parts of nation,especially for large countries.For example,in a certain area where students graduating from high school prefer going to work rather than go to college,the high schools should provide various technical skill to students across the nation who are not expecting a higher education.If the schools' freedom to choose the curriculum by their own is allowed,their option based on the require and willing of the denizens will better enhance the education.
Thirdly,education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one.It is necessary for a whole nation to hold educational multiformity ,keeping an open mind.Because the goverment make much effort to keep a perfect one in public,the federal legislators and regulators choosing the notion being taught to children must conceal the content which maybe a threat to its authority and power,ignoring its educational importance.I can easily foresee the banning of certain text books,programs,and websites that provide information and perspectives that the government might wish to suppress.Therefore,in order to keep the purpose of education away from the strong will of government ,the
diverse region should determine their own curriculums.Only the different education,various opinion and the communication and dispute between them rather than regulated ones serve,the country can be filled with creativity and vigor.
However, providing of some nation common core curriculums would be beneficial.Curriculums such as fundamental knowledge,social skills and moral education should  be instilled in every high school students,guaranteeing the basic ability and moral level of students.These core curriculums ensures the students resonally informed,being productive members of society.In addition,the core curriculums can provide a foundation on which the college administrators and faculty can determine appropriate educational level to freshmen. Therefore,the limited core curriculums is necessarily required,although too many nation curriculums may lead some problems which overweigh the benefits.
In the finalanalysis,homogenization of elementary and secondary education would amount to a double-edged sword.While it serves as an insurance policy and standard beneficial for college,at the same time it also serve to obliterate educational diversity and be discommodious for some regions.In my view,the optimal approach is a balance between some basic curriculum and the rest courses left to each state.               （584words)

有参考北美

lovexxnuUID: 2376964

Is it a good adoption for a nation to require all its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college rather than allow schools in different parts of the nation to determine which academic course to offer? (第一句话太长了吧)I agree insofar as adoption of some common core curriculum would serve useful purpose for any part of the nation. However, my disageement lies in the differences of (among) the diverse parts of the nation and the purpose of education.第一段看起来挺吃力的，写的不是很顺畅，purpose题目中好像没有提到过吧，看到以前有人这样写过，感觉好奇怪，至少我认为不靠题。

Firstly, it is difficult for a nation to choose a common curriculum as an exclusive one under the situation of lacking the standard(uniform) educational level. The criterion required for school education in different areas could differ a lot because of the distinct extent to which different parts of nation develop. For instance, in some developed region, rife use of internet, frequent intercommunication between famous schools,(and) lecture of invited educational experts can be provided to high school, facilitating the school education. In such area, adoption of (adopting) higher education level from(改成被动语态) nation is required or(主语？) will limit the students' ability to study further. However, if the high education level is applied without regarding other parts of the nation, it would pose a great problem（什么问题？） for the students in undeveloped area in which the useful, modern manner of study may be hardly satisfied. In that way, determining academic courses by the region itself is a beneficial option.
TS中是common curriculum不能满足条件，但是后面都是讲education level(criterion)，这两个可以等同吗？如果要等同的话至少也要有个过渡说明一下吧，有偷换概念之嫌，逻辑不够清晰

Secondly, different curriculum adoption also depends on the difference of diverse culture, educational backgrounds, habits and religion in various parts of nation, especially for large countries.（感觉这个主题句的观点已经包含了上面那个教育不平衡了吧） For example, in a certain area where students graduating from high school prefer going to work rather than go to college, the high schools should provide various technical skill to students across the nation who are not expecting a higher education. If the schools' freedom to choose the curriculum by their own is allowed, their option based on the require and willing of the denizens will better enhance the education.
Thirdly, education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one. It is necessary for a whole nation to hold educational multiformity, keeping an open mind. Because the goverment make much effort to keep a perfect one in public, the federal legislators and regulators choosing the notion being taught to children must conceal the content which maybe a threat to its authority and power, ignoring its educational importance. I can easily foresee the banning of certain text books, programs and websites that provide information and perspectives that the government might wish to suppress. Therefore, in order to keep the purpose of education away from the strong will of government, the diverse region should determine their own curriculums. Only the different education, various opinion and the communication and dispute between them rather than regulated ones serve什么意思？短语没有介词，句子没有谓语, the country can be filled with creativity and vigor.
在TS中只说教育的目的是让空的脑袋变开放，单独说这个和题目有关系吗？至少要延伸一下，所以不能采用统一的课程吧，最近argument看的多了说一下你的论据，地方制定课程就不是政府制定课程了吗？地方制定课程会掺入政治，地方制定就不会了吗？

However, providing of some nation common core curriculums would be beneficial. Curriculums such as fundamental knowledge, social skills and moral education should be instilled in every high school students, guaranteeing the basic ability and moral level of students. These core curriculums ensures the students resonally informed, being productive members of society. In addition, the core curriculums can provide a foundation on which the college administrators and faculty can determine appropriate educational level to freshmen. Therefore, the limited core curriculums is necessarily required, although too many nation curriculums may lead some problems which overweigh the benefits.
国家公共核心课程是不可缺少的，段中只说公共核心课程是不可缺少的根本就没有说为什么这些课程要由国家来定而不是地方，这个才是题目的重点，地方一样可以提供核心课程啊。
In the final analysis, homogenization of elementary and secondary education would amount to a double-edged sword. While it serves as an insurance policy and standard beneficial for college, at the same time it also serve to obliterate educational diversity and be discommodious for some regions. In my view, the optimal approach is a balance between some basic curriculum and the rest courses left to each state.               （584words)


通篇读下来真的很累，不知道是我的阅读能力差还是你写的太别扭，感觉句子写的非常不流畅，找不清主语谓语，通篇都是从句长句，乱用从句。建义句式还是从简单的开始吧，慢慢来，先吧逻辑抓清楚。通篇的逻辑思路还不够清晰。
语法我认为不妥的地方都用红色标出了，有些是句式的问题不方便改。





[ 本帖最后由 lovexxnu 于 2007-12-31 22:08 编辑 ]

liuchun1987UID: 2398171

多谢指教，呵呵，我还是超级初级水平。

ICEYOUNGUID: 2437642

逻辑混乱，中间部分每段第一句应该是这一小段的中心句， REASONING & EXAMPLES都围绕着这个中心句，WELL-FOCUSED，看这篇ISSUE偶头都大了

cardUID: 208389

我可以加入你们的小组么？

guomin1437UID: 2411571

ISSUE 5

Is it a good adoption for a nation to require all its students to study the same national curriculum until they enter college rather than allow schools in different parts of the nation to determine which academic course to offer?I agree insofar as(as的用法没有见过,我一般用that) adoption of some common core curriculum would serve useful purpose for any part of the nation. However, my disagreement lies in the difference of the diverse parts of the nation and the purpose of education.
本文第一段开头很的借鉴了那种设问开头,是一种好方式,但是有时候用的人多了,未必见得好,最好建立自己的开头模式,即新颖又有说服力,最后的论点提出感觉不明确,太含蓄了,有中国人的思维,也可能是我自身的水平问题,反正最后一句没有读太懂
Firstly, it is difficult for a nation to choose a common curriculum as an exclusive one under the situation of lacking the standard educational level. The criterion required for school education in different areas could differ a lot because of the distinct extent to which different parts of nation develop. For instance, in some developed region(s), rife use of internet, frequent intercommunication between famous schools, lecture(s) of invited educational experts can be provided to high school, facilitating the school education. In such area, adoption of higher education level from nation(有点费解) is required or will limit the students' ability to study further. However, if the high education level is applied without regarding other parts of the nation, it would pose a great problem for the students in undeveloped area in which the useful, modern manner(mode) of study may be hardly satisfied(attained) .In that way, (换成result好些吗)determining academic courses by the region itself is a beneficial option.
这一段的说服力还不错,就是句子乱些,总体还好
Secondly, different curriculum adoption (the adoption of different curriculum )also depend(s) on the difference of diverse culture,educational backgrounds, habits and religion in various parts of nation,especially for large countries. For example, in a certain area where students graduating(graduate很难说是用ed还是ing,甚用) from high school prefer going to work rather than go to college(句子结构前后一致好些,prefer用的不好,加to就可以了无需rather than), the high schools should provide various technical skill to students across the nation who are not expecting a higher education.(后面的一个who从句重复了吗)If the schools' freedom to choose the curriculum by(on) their own is allowed, their option based on the require (ment) and willing of the denizens will better enhance the education.
本段的论述不从分,一方面是后面的证据不能很好的支持第一段,刚开始了第一句的提出论点,然后直接for example, 这应该是我们共同的弱点,不知道怎样展开和过渡,只用例子是不足的,最后一句很空,enhance是可以的,是不是可以再展开些呢,因为enhance是一个万能词,我们可以再具体再说明一下
Thirdly, education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one.(说得太含糊,这样子很费解) It is necessary for a whole nation to hold educational multiformity, keeping an open mind.Because the goverment make much effort to keep a perfect one in public,the federal legislators and regulators choosing the notion being taught to children must conceal the content which maybe (是may be or maybe?)a threat to its authority and power, ignoring its educational importance. I can easily foresee the banning of certain text books,programs,and websites that provide information and perspectives that the government might wish to suppress.Therefore,in order to keep the purpose of(the purpose of 去掉吧) education away from the strong will of government ,the diverse region should determine their own curriculums. Only the different education, various opinion and the communication and dispute between them rather than regulated ones serve, the country can be filled with creativity and vigor.
这一段论述的可能很好,我就是看不懂了,句式太复杂多变,可能正确,但是让老师看了很头痛花费大量时间也不是很好的事情,从句肯定要用,但用些简单的吧
However, providing of (去掉of吧)some nation common core curriculums would be beneficial. Curriculums such as fundamental knowledge,social skills and moral education should  be instilled(感觉你文章的整个用词不好,有点辞不达意,这儿的instill,本身这个词很形象,但是 主语应该是student好些吧,不能说是课程被灌输,而是学生被灌输课程, 用词上多加揣摩,你认为呢) in every high school students(这儿又有every又有s,不太好), guaranteeing the basic ability and moral level of students.These core curriculums ensures the students resonally informed,being productive members of society. In addition, the core curriculums can provide a foundation on which the college administrators and faculty can determine appropriate educational level to freshmen. Therefore,the limited core curriculums is necessarily required,although too many nation curriculums may lead some problems which overweigh the benefits.
这是你的一个让步吧,
In the final analysis, homogenization of elementary and secondary education(这两个各指代什么,有点浑) would amount to a double-edged sword. While it serves as an insurance policy and standard beneficial for college, at the same time it also serve to obliterate educational diversity and be discommodious for some regions.In my view,the optimal approach is a balance between some basic curriculum and the rest courses left to each state.               （584words)
整体上说还是可以的,毕竟是我们的第一篇作文
你是坚持两者都重要,进行让步时,建议前移,就是把倒数第二段前移到第二段,整个文章很晦涩,用的形容词很宽泛,导致不能很好的说明而费解,另外句子结构有些多变,导致可能错误,建议先写些简单的句式,就是一般的从句加上一些复杂的状语
水平有限的很,改错的地方还望指正

guomin1437UID: 2411571

不好意思,不会添加颜色
分明添上了,发上去就没有了

liuchun1987UID: 2398171

很有道理，果然还是互改的收获比较大。