issue130

hshansongUID: 2358850

130T "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."

  提纲：
  1.从成功的社会化方面去看这个问题
  2.从不成功的社会化方面去看这个问题
  3.社会化 不是决定社会发展的唯一决定因素


  The speaker assert that how children are socialized plays the vital role in the development of society. I agree that children socialization certainly influence the development of society, however, it is not only factor that determines the future of society.
  On one hand, socialization of children, to great extend, is one of the key words of our time. As children are the future of any society, successful children socialization will help society is steadily evolving into a better one. Children are born without culture, they must be transformed by their parents, teachers and others into cultural and social adept beings. During Socialization, children learn the language of culture we are born into as well as the roles we are to play in life. For instance, boys learn how to be sons, brothers, friends, husbands, and fathers. Being a regular member of society, everyone will contribute better to society. In addition, children learn how to interact and deal with people of all ages, races and background , and acquire the rules of behavior and systems of beliefs and attitudes they need through the process of socialization. As we know, children who are allowed sufficient opportunities for healthy interaction with peers have more self-esteem and are likely to display fewer behavior problems than do other children and may be more socially mature and have better leadership skills than others as well. And they appear to be functioning effectively as members of adult society.
  On the other hand, if the process of socialization encounters some difficulties or is obstructed, children will not healthily grow up to contribute to a better society. Children who grow up in the wicked or isolate living environment or lack ever-present attention of parents are likely to grow into an ineffectual, perhaps even an anti-social, adult. For instance, In the chinese countryside, some parents have to make a living away from home which easily result in neglect of his/her child. Owing to be short of care and enlightening from parents, these children have some problems in personality and weak ability of communication with his/her parents and other people which make troubles in their lives after they grow up.
  However, socialization is only not one factor influencing the extend to which an individual will ultimately contribute to a better society. Consider certain outstanding people who have contributed profoundly to a better society. Abraham Lincoln, one of most famous president of the United American, helped preserve the United States by leading the defeat of the secessionist in the American Civil War and introduced measures that resulted in the abolition of slavery, in spite of having no access to educational opportunities in his childhood. John Forbes Nash, Jr. , a prizewinner of 1994 Nobel Memorial Prize in Economic Sciences, have made great contributions to the field of game theory and economics, despite his isolation, diffidence and lacking of social skills throughout his early life and being diagnosed disease in his mind at his 30 years old.
  In sum, I believe how children are socialized today influences the destiny of society, but when consider whether a child grows up to contribute to a better society, the key determinant is not socialization but rather some other factor---such as parental and fellow influence, raw intelligence, or personal diligence.

[ 本帖最后由 hshansong 于 2008-3-24 14:05 编辑 ]

rubenUID: 2163558

1. 1段，The speaker assert that -> asserts
2. 1段，children socialization influence ->  children’s socialization influences
3. 1段，it is not only factor that -> the only factor
4. 2段，help society is steadily evolving into a better one -> help society steadily evolve into…
5.  2段，born without culture -> Chinese English ?
6. 2段，they must be transformed -> so they must be…
7. 2段, people of all ages, races and background ->backgrounds
8. 2段，acquire the rules of behavior and systems of beliefs and attitudes -> acquire the rules of behavior, systems of beliefs and attitudes…
9. 2段，than do other children and may be more socially mature-> than do other children, and may be more socially mature
10. 3段，isolate living environment -> isolated environment
11. 3段，In the chinese countryside -> in the Chinese countryside
12. 3段，from home which easily result in -> from home, which easily results in
13. 3段，and weak ability of communication with his/her parents -> 缺谓语
14. 3段，people which make troubles in their lives after they grow up -> people, which will bring troubles to them when they grow up
15. 4段，socialization is only not one factor-> socialization is not the only factor
16. 5段，the extend -> the extent
17. 5段，one of most famous president-> one of the most famous presidents
18. 5段，of the United American -> of the United States

小结：文章结构不错，但有些文字错误，下次作文时要细心些；）
另外提两点建议：1. 正文每段在论述完毕后可加一个本段小结
2. 末段提到的“parental and fellow influence, raw intelligence, or personal diligence”，如果正文未明显论述到，建议不要加在这里

Mercury20UID: 2456857

好羡慕你啊 感觉好像是一气呵成的呢 观点很清晰 我今天刚刚写 乱七八糟 等查了资料再来讨论:)

soulsurvivorUID: 2412280

1 开头一共只有两句，可再加一句，更加清晰。
2 is one of the key words of our time，这有点像中国英语的表达方式。
3 as we know 这样的词组尽量不要出现，有两个原因：第一，这个词组表明下面要说的这点已经是我们都知道的东西。既然大家都知道了，那句话就没有写的必要了；第二，能够保证大家是都知道的吗？
4 and 不要放句首。
5 不知道是我没看出来，还是没有写到，对于题目后半句 we have not yet learned how to raise children who can bring about a better society, 你的论述是什么？

hshansongUID: 2358850

谢谢 ruben和soulsurvivor的批改 :)
soulsurvivor: 我把我的立论放在第一点上,所以第二点没有去管它 不知道这样可不可以 在issue中如果出现两个立论的点 是不是都是去做论述 这个我有点疑问??? 不知谁能解答 :)