第四次作文，求批~~

傻瓜的诗篇UID：2302114

104、It’ s generally agreed that society benefits from the work of its members. Compare the contributions of artists to society with the contributions of scientists to society. What type of contribution do you think is valued more by your society? Give specific reasons to support your answers.

Artists and scientists are both essential parts of our society and improve the quality of people’s life. Artists not only fulfill important social functions but also bring beauty and pleasure to us. On the other hand, technologies have experienced a dramatic advance due to the hard work of scientists, and benefit people all over the world. In my opinion artists are valued more in our society, and I’ll develop my point in detail below.

Admittedly, scientists have been exploring new technologies and use them to improve the quality of life. Take medical technology for example. Before the nineteenth century when scientists began to understand the nature of disease, people primarily based their treatment on superstition or fortune-tell, and many of people who suffered from deadly diseases just journeyed to church or temple, searching for the healing from the God. Nowadays, advanced medical technologies not only prolong people’s life but also ensure that no dreadful disease or plague will reduce population that rapidly. Another convincing example is automation, which makes commodity with higher qualify and ensures the efficiency of machines.

Art is also an inseparable part of the society. First of all, for government it fulfills plenty of social functions ---- expression of certain social values that should be inculcated into every resident, communication among people with different race, nationality, and also symbolization of a nation. For example, the Analects of Confucius has helped governor ruling China for centuries by teaching the philosophy of a nation and how to become man of virtue. We could imagine without Confucius, people may still suffer in the times of division, chaos, and endless war between feudal. Second, artists also play an important role in individual’s daily life. The art work provides pleasure and beauty, and presents us insights into what’s eternal and universal. Also, art enriches our spirits. When we in a museum or gallery, we could shut ourselves away from the pressure of daily life and enjoy a few hours of absolute art experience.

Moreover, art could relieve us from the negative pressure that scientists’ discoveries have brought. Technological advance always has many disadvantages, such as environmental pollution or some social problems. And sometimes we feel overpowered by the high-tech society. From example, automations have taken numerous workers with machines, and there’re many people especially elder ones who found themselves lack skills acquired in the high-tech society. Only artwork could relieve the pain and call society to pay attention to these problems. And in this sense, artists always have mass appeal than scientist and could get the work done easily with their popularity.

In sum, although our society value artists more than scientists, we could never imagine our society without either of them, and they both improve people’s life physically and psychologically.

傻瓜的诗篇UID：2302114

顶~~~~~~~~

hyacinthUID：2184492

https://bbs.gter.net/thread-822871-1-3.html
:o

hyacinthUID：2184492

Artists and scientists areboth essential parts of our society and improve (→have improved）the quality of people’s life. Artists not only fulfill important social functions but also bring beauty and pleasure to us. On the other hand, technologies have experienced a dramatic advance due to the hard work of scientists, and benefit people all over the world. In my opinion artists are valued more in our society, and I’ll (I will)develop my point in detail below.

Admittedly, scientists have been exploring new technologies and use them to improve the quality of life. Take medical technology for example. Before the nineteenth century when scientists began to understand the nature of disease, people primarily based their treatment on superstition orfortune-tell (→fortune-telling), and many of people (→many of them) who suffered from deadly diseases just journeyed (→went. They are not on travel, I suppose.:rolleyes: ) to church or temple, searching for the healing from the God. Nowadays, advanced medical technologies not only prolong people’s life but also ensure that no dreadful disease or plague will reduce population that rapidly. Another convincing example is automation, which makes commodity with higher qualify (→quality) and ensures the efficiency of machines.

Art is also an inseparable part of the society. First of all, for government it fulfills plenty of social functions ---- (^ such as) expression of certain social values that should be inculcated into every resident, communication among people with different race, nationality, and also symbolization of a nation.  For example, the Analects of Confucius has helped governor ruling (→rule) China for centuries by teaching the philosophy of a nation and how to become man of virtue. We could imagine without Confucius, people may still suffer in the times of division, chaos, and endless war between feudal. (→in feudal society. I am sorry, but I really don’t see it. Why without Confucius, people are supposed to suffer from this blah blah blah? ) Second, artists also play an important role in individual’s (→individuals’) daily life. The art work provides pleasure and beauty, and presents us insights into what’s (→what is) eternal and universal (:confused: sorry again, could you give some specific pieces of arts which show us what is eternal and universal? Because I can’t remember any of them actually :rolleyes: ). Also, art enriches our spirits. When we (^ are) in a museum or gallery, we could shut ourselves away from the pressure of daily life and enjoy a few hours of absolute art experience.

Moreover, art could relieve us from the negative pressure that scientists’ discoveries have brought. Technological advance always has many disadvantages, such as environmental pollution or some social problems. And (delete it. No “and” in the beginning of any sentences.) sometimes we feel overpowered by the high-tech society. From (→for) example, automations have taken (→replaced) numerous workers with machines, and there’re (→there are) many people especially elder ones who found (→find) themselves lack skills acquired in the high-tech society. Only artwork could relieve the pain and call society to pay attention to these problems. (Really? You say so. Any particular examples? Otherwise, I won’t buy into this.:o )And (delete it or you could use other conjunctions) in this sense, artists (^ are) always have mass appeal (→more appealing) than scientist (→scientists) and could get the work done easily with their popularity.

In sum, although our society value (→values) artists more than scientists, we could never imagine our society without either of them, and they both improve people’s life physically and psychologically.

先说说破题.手上一本资料里给出的artist的定义有两个.
1. Someone who produces art, especially paintings or drawings.
2. A professional performer, especially a singer, dancer or actor.
那我觉得文章中所讨论的art应该是painting, drawing, sculpture范畴的,而不是humanities.那么你所用的孔子的例子是不是不太合适捏?

再说说文章结构. 第一段的结尾是In my opinion artists are valued more in our society, and I’ll develop my point in detail below. 这句话无疑点明了文章的主旨.那么我想,读者看完你这一句话,正常的逻辑应该开始期待你下文给出detail解释artists怎么样valued more in our society.结果第二段的开头,来了个admittedly,突然转到scientist身上了.我看到论坛上有些人把这种结构叫做递进.我想说,不管这个模板是由多么权威的人写的,就针对你这篇文章来说,我觉得不合适.你既然在开头里设置了文章的中心是artists贡献多,后面就应该顺着这个思路继续写下去,想写所谓的让步段,最好也把它放到最后,这样收尾的时候也不会显得突兀.如果你想要用这种递进的结构,并在结尾表明二者实际上缺一不可,开头最好就不像现在这么写,或者增加一个过渡.
总之,不管文章的结构是什么,只能有一个中心论点,而且要能首尾呼应,其它的分论点也都是为中心论点服务的,不能颠倒主次.模板是死的,人可是活的.

记得我之前也看过你的文章, 英语基础还是很不错的 ;d: ,下次写文章前记得要审好题目,文章结构要多加点自己的东西在里面,生搬硬套模板很吃亏的.;d: