comeon作文小组——梦想在望2008 11月5日作业

梦想在望2008UID: 2546295

11月5日
Some people use Internet a lot to gain information, while others think using it will lead to problems, Do you agree or disagree（2006 年3 月25 日）

The Internet has been change dramatically the world. People use the Internet to attain a variety of information. A fairy proportion of people think that using Internet make it feasible to get what they want. But, others believe that it will bring about problems. As far as I am concerned, I hold the opinion that the Internet do trigger a series of problems. My arguments for this point are listed as follows.

The main reason for my propensity for the demerits of the Internet is that it will render many diseases resulted from the Internet. The beginning of 21century witnessed the Internet. Significant changes took place to the life style of people. The Internet affects every aspects of life. In the past, people usually looked through the newspapers and journals to find news. On the contrary, the Internet furnishes a platform where people are able to search for various news and events happened around the world. People are inclined to surfing on the Internet as frequently as possible. They spend too much time on the Internet and are addicted to it. As a result, this phenomenon has induced a great deal of illnesses for people such as the problems in their eyes and necks. Most importantly, there is a trend that more and more teenagers are suffering from these diseases. It is no doubt that they will have a negative impact the growth of children. Therefore, it can be said that people will be ill by means of using the Internet without the limit of time.

The second reason can be seen by every person is that utilizing the Internet can increase the percentage of crime. At the present, people often tend to trade on the Internet since it is more convenient than other conventional ways. In order to achieve the purpose of negotiation, people have no alternations to input their private information such like the personal identification number, and other entry numbers of credit cards. at this time, criminals usually make use of illegal tricks or methods to hurt  people. Consequently, it results in the harm for people's benefits. From this perspective, the Internet provide a chance for criminals to do something wrong.

In addition, it cannot be a deniable fact that people's normal lives have been interrupted severely by the Internet. As we all know, when surfing on the Internet, people, under many circumstances, need to leave their private information on the Internet, such as the mobile phone number, and home addresses and so forth. These information may be useless for some people. However, for a great amount of illegal organizations and person, it is these information that help them to do something disturb other people's lives. For example, a myriad of people have ever been received some immoral and illegal advertisements throughout the way of instant message. Not only had they interrupt people's routine lives, but also intrude personal rights to privacy. Thereby, in brief, the Internet, to some degree, interfere with people's daily lives.

In a word, there is no doubt that using the Internet will lead to problems, including the harm for people's health, the increase of crimes and invasion of privacy. Taking into account of all these factors, we may reach the conclusion that being access to the Internet do cause various problems.

  

gjwUID: 2512308

The Internet has been change（changing） the world dramatically（放在在右面比较平衡）. People use the Internet to attain a variety of information. A fairy(fairly) proportion of people think that using Internet make it feasible to get(get 少用含义广泛的词汇 改用acquire/obtain) what they want. But, others believe that it will bring about problems. As far as I am concerned, I hold the opinion that the Internet do trigger a series of problems. My arguments for this point are listed as follows.vP

fThe main reason for my propensity for the demerits of the Internet is that it will render (我个人一直把render 当作make的同义词来用，这里改成 lead to 比较合适 )many diseases resulted from the Internet. The beginning of 21century witnessed the Internet(prosperity of Internet). Significant changes took place to（这个词组是不是能这么用，不太确定，请在斟酌一下) the life style of people. The Internet affects every aspects of life. In the past, people usually looked through the newspapers and journals to find news. On the contrary, the Internet furnishes a platform（好词组） where people are able to search for various news and events happened around the world. People are inclined to surfing on（on 去掉，surf是及物动词） the Internet as frequently as possible. They spend too much time on the Internet and are addicted to it. As a result, this phenomenon has induced a great deal of illnesses for people such as the problems in their eyes and necks. Most importantly, there is a trend（tendency） that more and more teenagers are suffering from these diseases. It is no doubt that they will have a negative impact(on) the growth of children. Therefore, it can be said that people will be ill by means of using the Internet without the limit of time.\ e$jy&O(i^

The second reason can be seen by every person is that utilizing the Internet can increase the percentage（rate） of crime. At the present, people often tend to trade on the Internet since it is more convenient than other conventional ways. In order to achieve the purpose of negotiation, people have no alternations to input their private information such like the personal identification number, and other entry numbers of credit cards. at this time, criminals usually make use of illegal tricks or methods to hurt  people. Consequently, it results in the harm for people's benefits. From this perspective, the Internet provide a chance for criminals to do(换commit) something wrong.

In addition, it cannot be a deniable fact that people's normal lives have been interrupted severely by the Internet. As we all know, when surfing on the Internet, people, under many circumstances, need to leave their private information on the Internet, such as the mobile phone number, and home addresses and so forth. These information may be useless for some people. However, for a great amount of illegal organizations and person, it is these information that help them to do something disturb other people's lives. For example, a myriad of people have ever been received some immoral and illegal advertisements throughout the way of instant message. Not only had they interrupt people's routine lives, but also intrude personal rights to（of） privacy. Thereby, in brief, the Internet, to some degree, interfere with people's daily lives.bbs.gter.net

In a word, there is no doubt that using the Internet will lead to problems, including the harm for people's health, the increase of crimes and invasion of privacy. Taking into account of all these factors, we may reach the conclusion that being(having) access to the Internet do cause various problems.

p+F+wL/I,k\W留学,考试,TOEFL,GRE,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VISA,文书,签证,论坛,出国,申请,美国,英国,欧洲,加拿大,USA
BZegY

gjwUID: 2512308

总结：1.确实是篇好文章，论证非常有力，论据也十分合理；
         2.唯一的不足是 第一个论点后面的过度，显得比较凌乱，请lz自己在读一遍 就会发现，产生了 否定+肯定+否定，缺过度的问题，可以加个什么however这类的词。
         3.我水平有限，如果有任何误改，lz留言给我，谢谢！

[ 本帖最后由 gjw 于 2008-11-7 16:29 编辑 ]

梦想在望2008UID: 2546295

感谢 我会对问题加以改正！
P.S：请检查您 11月7日作业的链接！我 怎么也点不进去！