argument39 临考，谢谢拍砖

智恩UID: 2160717

TOPIC: ARGUMENT39 - The following appeared in a memorandum from the president of Humana College.

"Last year the number of students who enrolled in long-distance degree programs at Omni University increased by 50%. During the same year, Omni showed a significant decrease from prior years in expenditures for dormitory and classroom space, most likely because instruction in the long-distance programs takes place via interactive video computer connections. In contrast, over the past three years, enrollment at Humana College has diminished and costs of maintaining buildings have risen. Thus, to increase enrollment and solve the problem of budget deficits at Humana College, we should initiate and actively promote long-distance degree programs like those at Omni."
WORDS: 420        TIME: 上午 12:30:00          DATE: 2006-2-18

这篇已经自己改过一次了

This argument simply proposes that the initiation long-distance degree programs in Hunmana College could solve the budget deficits problem and increase enrollment. This analysis is well-presented, however it is deficient in logic and the quoted evidence is not cogent.

To start off, the increasing enrollment of long-distance degree programs does not equal to the total increasing enrollment of students. The author fails to provide statistics of the whole enrollment of students. It is entirely possible that the long-distance programs enrollment increase, however the whole enrollment number of students decreases. If this is the case, the adopting of the long-distance programs could not attain the goal of augmenting the whole enrollment of students. Even if this politics is in favor of enhancing the number of students, no information is offered to guarantee the effectiveness of this politics in Hunmana College. In fact, the author’s conclusion is dependent upon an unfounded assumption that the condition in these two universities is similar and the usage of the same policy could attain the goal. Unless the author provides more detailed information to demonstrate long-distance programs indeed increase the number of students, it is difficult for us to accept his or her conclusion.

In addition, it is unfairly to assume that the causal relationship between the long-distance degree programs and the decline of maintaining cost of dormitory and classroom space. It might, in fact, that the Omni University spent money on maintaining the dormitory and classroom the year before last year. Hence there is no need to repair them again last year and it is naturally for the Omni University to reduce repairing expenditure last year. Without thinking over and eliminating this possibility, it is subjective for the author to reach his or her conclusion that the adoption of long-distance programs could decrease expenses.

Furthermore, the author fails to take into account alternative reasons which might cause the decline of enrollment in Hunmana College. For example, the instructing quality of Hunmana College is decreasing in recent years. Perhaps teacher are busy with research and publishing paper and therefore teachers have not seriously prepared their courses. Consequently, the quality of teaching has been declined and students felt that they could learn only a little professional knowledge from the teachers. Or perhaps the learning atmosphere in Hunmana College is not rich enough. Even if the decline of enrollment is irrelevant to the reasons listed above, the long-distance degree programs are not warranted to resolve the budget deficits at Hunmana College. As a matter of fact, the author may fail to consider the expenditure of purchasing the equipment for long-distance programs which could also increase the cost. Unless the author could prove that even if the appliance for long-distance programs cost some money, Hunmana College could still gain profits from initiating the long-distance programs.

In conclusion, the author should take account of possibilities named above and provide more detailed evidence to make a better work of this argument.

yogurt4UID: 198389

seat taken

yogurt4UID: 198389

TOPIC: ARGUMENT39 - The following appeared in a memorandum from the president of Humana College.

"Last year the number of students who enrolled in long-distance degree programs at Omni University increased by 50%. During the same year, Omni showed a significant decrease from prior years in expenditures for dormitory and classroom space, most likely because instruction in the long-distance programs takes place via interactive video computer connections. In contrast, over the past three years, enrollment at Humana College has diminished and costs of maintaining buildings have risen. Thus, to increase enrollment and solve the problem of budget deficits at Humana College, we should initiate and actively promote long-distance degree programs like those at Omni."
WORDS: 420        TIME: 上午 12:30:00          DATE: 2006-2-18

这篇已经自己改过一次了

This argument simply proposes that the initiation   of，或者这里换个V-ing 形式 long-distance degree programs in Hunmana College could solve the budget deficits problem and increase enrollment. This analysis is well-presented, however  but, 你后面也有滥用however的现象。However多半用于表达既成事实时候的转折，argument里用的不是很多 it is deficient in logic and the quoted evidence is not cogent.

To start off start off开始活动的意思，或者是（使某人）开始（做某事），我很少见到别人用这个做信号词，不是很确定。, the increasing enrollment of long-distance degree programs does not equal to the total increasing enrollment of students. 这两个当然不相等，不如前面用although…increased,后面接the author fails.. The author fails to provide statistics of the whole enrollment of students. It is entirely possible that the long-distance programs enrollment increase  increased ，注意和题目里的时态对应，last year, however the whole enrollment number of students decreases. If this is the case, the adopting of the long-distance programs could not attain the goal of augmenting the whole enrollment of students.  even if,注意你这里的意思已经转了一层，不能统领在b1的TS下面，需要另起一段。 Even if this politics is in favor of enhancing the number of students, no information is offered to guarantee the effectiveness of this politics in Hunmana College. In fact, the author’s conclusion is dependent upon an unfounded assumption that the condition in these two universities is similar and the usage of the same policy could attain the goal.  什么condition是similar的？attain 什么goal? 具体写出来！ Unless the author provides more detailed information to demonstrate long-distance programs indeed increase the number of students, it is difficult for us to accept his or her conclusion.

你不喜欢点出两个学校的名字，所以读起来不是那么清楚。比如，Omni University总的学生录取数目可能降低，if this is the case, the adopting of long-distance programs对Humana College 可能就不值得借鉴。B2的ts也是一样，点一下of Omni University好一些。

In addition, it is unfairly to assume that the there is a causal relationship between the long-distance degree programs and the decline of maintaining cost of dormitory and classroom space. It might, in fact［　为什么要用in fact,前面都might了］, that the Omni University spent money on maintaining the dormitory and classroom the year before last year［　two years ago,简洁一点］. Hence there is no need to repair them again last year and it is naturally for the Omni University to reduce repairing expenditure last year. Without thinking over and eliminating this possibility, it is subjective for the author to reach his or her conclusion that the adoption of long-distance programs could decrease expenses.

Furthermore, the author fails to take into account alternative reasons which might cause the decline of enrollment in Hunmana College. For example, the instructing quality of Hunmana College is［　may be］ decreasing in recent years. Perhaps teacher are busy with research and publishing paper and therefore teachers have not seriously prepared their courses. Consequently, the quality of teaching has been declined and students felt that they could learn only a little professional knowledge from the teachers. 感觉这个perhaps展开的过了一点，….teacher did not prepared their courses seriously, resulting bad feedback from students用个从句带过去就可以。ps我的句子只是打个比方　 Or perhaps the learning atmosphere in Hunmana College is not rich enough.［　另起一段比较清楚］ Even if the decline of enrollment is irrelevant to the reasons listed above, the long-distance degree programs are not warranted to resolve the budget deficits at Hunmana College. As a matter of fact, the author may fail to consider the expenditure of purchasing the equipment for long-distance programs which could also increase the cost. Unless the author could prove that even if the appliance for long-distance programs cost some money, Hunmana College could still gain profits from initiating the long-distance programs.

In conclusion, the author should take account of possibilities named above and provide more detailed evidence to make a better work of this argument.


１，一段里喜欢写几个错误。这是可以的，一段写一个错误只是为了结构的清晰。但是你的ＴＳ要能把你写的错误都概括进来，否则分段的存在只有视觉上的意义。
比如说，你Ｂ１的ts可以改成：作者单纯的认为，HC仿效OM的措施，招收学生的人数就能增加。首先,　我们并不知道ＯＭ的总录取人数是否增加。。。。。如果不是，ＯＭ的经验就不值得我们学习。其次，其实ＯＭ录取的总人数增加了，远程教学也不一定适用于ＨＣ。可能OM是文科学校，HC是理科学校，需要大量的实验学习，不可能通过远程教学完成。或者ＯＭ的学生住的离学校很远，ＨＣ的学生就住在学校附近。。。。

２你的b1和b3都有我上面说的毛病。单看b2的话，开头和结尾花的笔墨比较多，中间论证的地方有点空洞。可以说，正是由于ＯＵ normal enrollment的学生少了，所以对学校硬件设施的要求小了。

三段一起看的话，段与段之间的逻辑联系比较弱，我重新整理了顺序，你可以参考一下。
Ｂ１，ＯＭ的经验不值得ＨＣ学习，远程教学计划没有作用。总人数没有增加，甚至可能大大减少。（你b1的内容）
B2,即使ＯＭ的计划是成功的，OM的经验可能不适用于ＨＣ。我们不知道hc学生注册少的具体原因（你Ｂ３的前半部分），我在前面写的两校差异问题也可以摆这里。
Ｂ３，ＯＭ的计划能否帮助ＨＣ解决赤字问题
首先，远程教学和去年ＯＭ在硬件设施上的花费没有关系（你的Ｂ２）
其次，即使有关系，对ＨＣ来说，开始一个新的教学项目，也存在经济问题，成本花费云云（你的b3的后半段）

３，语言还是比较清晰的，小错误要避免。

总的来说还可以，继续加油^^

[ 本帖最后由 yogurt4 于 2006-2-18 21:35 编辑 ]

paopaofynUID: 2124302

酸奶真好

向你学习:)