同主题写作二. 166.第1次参加gter托福同写作

flyingwindUID: 189320

166. People recognize a difference between children and adults. What events (experiences or ceremonies) make a person an adult? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your answer.

Strictly speaking, it is a hard to pick up one exact time or event to define a critical line between children and adults, because the transition from a child to an adult is a gradual procedure. Nevertheless, if I have to choose one, I assert that the graduation ceremony from high school is favorable.

When graduating from high school, most students in China are about eighteen years old, which is the age defined in China as adults. It is reasonable because in most cases, both the physical shape and mental maturity of eighteen years old children meet tremendously those of adults according to researches and statistics. Furthermore, after this time, legally speaking, they should take the full responsibility of everything they are involved. Their supervisors (parents or teachers) have no duty on the misconducts or crime their 18 aged boys or girls has conducted. Thus, after high school students have celebrated their graduation, they are treated as adults in law.

Moreover, during the study in high school, students have learned many specialized techniques or fundamental knowledge in many realms, which will benefit their future lives as adults. After graduation, some students choose to work directly. Of course, in the social job markets, they are more treated as men or women, not boys and girls. They have to learn skills and techniques in many aspects, such as career, communication. Other high school students continue achieving higher education, for instance a master's degree. However, it does not delay their roles as adults. Colleges are also societies, but little ones. Living in college rather than home, students also learn to deal with everything, such as how to cope with the relationship between roommates, or how to improve their skills both in social communication and academic achievement. All these help them to do as adults.

In sum, graduation ceremony is more likely to be cited as a critical event which distinguishes children and adults. After graduation ceremony adolescents graduating from high school are more treated as adults any more.

[ 本帖最后由 flyingwind 于 2006-4-17 18:31 编辑 ]

flyingwindUID: 189320

自己顶一个,改的朋友留下连接,我来回改

czj_swufeUID: 199954

Strictly speaking, it is a hard to pick up one exact time or event to define a critical line between children and adults, because the transition from a child to an adult is a gradual procedure. Nevertheless, if I have to choose one, I assert （assert有断言的意思，含贬义，建议替换）that the graduation ceremony from high school is favorable.
When graduating from high school, most students in China are about eighteen years old, which is the age defined in China as adults. It is reasonable because in most cases, both the physical shape and mental maturity of eighteen years old children meet tremendously （这里修饰的是meet还是those?是meet的话是不是该放它前面？）those of adults according to researches and statistics. Furthermore, after this time, legally speaking, they should take the full responsibility of everything they are involved. Their supervisors (parents or teachers) have no duty on the misconducts or crime their 18 aged boys or girls has conducted. Thus, after high school students have celebrated their graduation, they are treated as adults in law.
Moreover, during the study in high school, students have learned many specialized techniques or fundamental knowledge in many realms, which will benefit their future lives as adults. After graduation, some students choose to work directly. Of course, in the social job markets, they are more treated as men or women, not boys and girls. They have to learn skills and techniques in many aspects, such as career, communication. Other high school students continue achieving higher education, for instance a master's degree. However, it does not delay their roles as adults. Colleges are also societies, but little ones. Living in college rather than home, students also learn to deal with everything, such as how to cope with the relationship between roommates, or how to improve their skills both in social communication and academic achievement. All these help them to do as adults.

In sum, graduation ceremony is more likely to be cited as a critical event which distinguishes children and adults. After graduation ceremony adolescents graduating from high school are more treated as adults any more（去掉？）.

总结：LZ抓住了一个event来说，写的两段，例子也比较多，词汇比较丰富。
         列出的原因主要是以下两点：When graduating from high school, most students in China are about eighteen years old, which is the age defined in China as adults.
        during the study in high school, students have learned many specialized techniques or fundamental knowledge in many realms, which will benefit their future lives as adults. 感觉还是粉不错的，楼主拍下我的吧，写了好几个event
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1

[ 本帖最后由 czj_swufe 于 2006-4-18 00:55 编辑 ]

expire7UID: 2160574

个人觉得，比较乱。你的东西比较纠缠在一起。思路虽然你很清晰，但是对于考官来说却不是那种感觉。没有很明确的东西和耀眼的句子。建议段落之间的意思差别明确一点。TS写清楚一些。例证简单有力。

语言还是不错的。加油。

susan8940UID: 160449

Strictly speaking, it is a hard(thing) to pick up one exact time or event to define a critical line between children and adults, because the transition from a child to an adult is a gradual procedure. Nevertheless, if I have to choose one, I assert(maintain) that the graduation ceremony from high school is favorable.

When graduating from high school, most students in China are about eighteen years old, which is the age defined in China as adults. It is reasonable because in most cases, both the physical shape and mental maturity of eighteen years old children meet tremendously those of adults according to researches and statistics. Furthermore, after this time, legally speaking, they should take the full responsibility of everything they are involved. Their supervisors (parents or teachers) have no duty on the misconducts or crime their 18 aged boys or girls has conducted. Thus, after high school students have celebrated their graduation, they are treated as adults in law.

Moreover, during the study in high school, students have learned many specialized techniques or fundamental knowledge in many realms, which will benefit their future lives as adults. After graduation, some students choose(decide) to work directly((instantly). Of course, in the social job markets, they are more treated as men or women, not boys and girls(Hence,they will have to perform like an adult and think critically in order to adapt professional circumstances). They have to learn skills and techniques in many aspects, such as career, communication.(In addition,they need to impove their working and communicating skills ,or keep pace with technical changes.) Other high school students(On the other hand,some students) continue achieving higher education, for instance a master's degree. However, it does not delay their roles as adults. Colleges are also societies, but little ones. Living in college rather than home, students also learn to deal with everything, such as how to cope with the relationship between roommates, or how to improve their skills both in social communication and academic achievement. All these help them to do as adults.

In sum, graduation ceremony is more likely to be cited as a critical event which distinguishes children and adults. After graduation ceremony adolescents graduating from high school are more treated as adults any more(not treated as children any more).
选一个event分几点来说明原因对我有很大启发哦
以上是俺一点愚见,改的不好请楼主包涵:)
我的目前好像走题了,待修改.
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1

DidoyUID: 2181213

166. People recognize a difference between children and adults. What events (experiences or ceremonies) make a person an adult? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your answer.
Strictly speaking, it is hard to pick up one exact time or event to define a critical line between children and adults, because the transition from a child to an adult is a gradual procedure. Nevertheless, if I have to choose one, I assert that the graduation ceremony from high school is favorable.

When graduating from high school, most students in China are about eighteen years old, which is the age defined in China as adults. It is reasonable because in most cases, both the physical shape and mental maturity of eighteen years old children meet tremendously those of adults according to researches and statistics. Furthermore, after this time, legally speaking, they should take the full responsibility of everything they are involved. Their supervisors (parents or teachers) have no duty on the misconducts or crimes their 18 aged boys or girls have conducted. Thus, after high school students have celebrated their graduation, they are treated as adults in law.

Moreover, during the study in high school, students have learned many specialized techniques or fundamental knowledge in many realms, which will benefit their future lives as adults. 这句话做为此段的topic sentence语义不够清楚。读上去不是知识水平说明他们已经成熟，而是知识水平对他们成人后的作用，这会对平卷人的思维产生混淆。After graduation, some students choose to work directly. Of course, in the social job markets, they are more treated as men or women, not boys or girls. They have to learn skills and techniques in many aspects, such as career, communication. Other high school students continue achieving higher education, for instance a master's degree. However, it does not delay their roles as adults. Colleges are also societies, but little ones. Living in college rather than home, students also learn to deal with everything, such as how to cope with the relationship between roommates, or how to improve their skills both in social communication and academic achievement. All these help them to do as adults.
这一段的语义表达不清楚，好像开始说的知识是帮助他们成人，后文说的又变成大学这个小社会也帮助他们成人。
In sum, graduation ceremony is more likely to be cited as a critical event which distinguishes children and adults. After graduation ceremony adolescents graduating from high school are more treated as adults any more. 这句话语法有问题吧。这个any more, 前面还有个比较级的more。
另外，整篇文章四段，去掉开头和结尾，body paragraph只有两段，考官在看的时候，会有明显结构逻辑不清楚的感觉。建议划分一些理由出来再组成一个段落，这样可以清楚些。
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... &extra=page%3D1
这是我的。。。请狠狠的拍。谢谢先！:)

susan8940UID: 160449

Strictly speaking, it is a hard(thing) to pick up one exact time or event to define a critical line between children and adults, because the transition from a child to an adult is a gradual procedure. Nevertheless, if I have to choose one, I assert(maintain) that the graduation ceremony from high school is favorable.

When graduating from high school, most students in China are about eighteen years old, which is the age defined in China as adults. It is reasonable because in most cases, both the physical shape and mental maturity of eighteen years old children meet tremendously those of adults according to researches and statistics. Furthermore, after this time, legally speaking, they should take the full responsibility of everything they are involved. Their supervisors (parents or teachers) have no duty on the misconducts or crime their 18 aged boys or girls has conducted. Thus, after high school students have celebrated their graduation, they are treated as adults in law.

Moreover, during the study in high school, students have learned many specialized techniques or fundamental knowledge in many realms, which will benefit their future lives as adults. After graduation, some students choose(decide) to work directly((instantly). Of course, in the social job markets, they are more treated as men or women, not boys and girls(Hence,they will have to perform like an adult and think critically in order to adapt professional circumstances). They have to learn skills and techniques in many aspects, such as career, communication.(In addition,they need to impove their working and communicating skills ,or keep pace with technical changes.) Other high school students(On the other hand,some students) continue achieving higher education, for instance a master's degree. However, it does not delay their roles as adults. Colleges are also societies, but little ones. Living in college rather than home, students also learn to deal with everything, such as how to cope with the relationship between roommates, or how to improve their skills both in social communication and academic achievem