Argument147【加州阳光】第二次作业请拍 ★from 叶子★

leaf99UID: 2174003

时间：90m  字数：568
提纲
1、survey not convincing
2、normal players cannot afford the most up-to-date computers, and thus cannot afford the games.
3、players have other alternatives. brand loyalty.
4、decline 可能有其他原因，而单单是内容，就算改了一方面，也不可能马上增加。
小改后的版本，谢谢你们的意见
In this argument, the arguer predicts that the sales of Whirlwind video games will witness a dramatic rise in the following two months since Whirlwind has just introduced several new games specially designed to meet the preference of game players according to a recent survey result. However, careful scrutiny of this argument would immediately reveal a series of critical flaws it suffers from.

First of all, the arguer draw the prediction based on the results of an unreliable survey without providing any vital information of the survey sample. It is likely that the part of the survey sample was not aged between10 to 25 and therefore reduces the effectiveness of the advertisements directed at that age group. Besides, the sample may not be large enough to be representative of game players. If the survey sample was mainly picked from high-end customers, their preference cannot represent that of normal players. In addition, the arguer also fails to tell the location where the survey is conducted. If that area is very remote to the one where Whirlwind does intensive advertising, the ad campaign would probably be quite ineffective. Therefore, the arguer's prediction will not be convincing until he provides the above-mentioned key information of this survey.

Secondly, the arguer assumes that the majority of game players have already owned or would buy the most up-to-date computers to play the new Whirlwind video games, which is probably not true among the age group between 10 to 25 years old.  Since the majority of this age group are high school and college students who are still supported by their parents, the chances that they have or buy the most expensive computers to play games are rather slim. Their parents are unwilling to give them such a large amount of money on playing computer games. Therefore, it is highly possible that sales of the new video games will decline continually since the potential customers may not have advanced hardwares to play the games.

Additionally, the arguer ignores the powerful existence of competitors of Whirlwind, who might have already introduced similar products to the market. If Whirlwind's new games are confronted with a number of competitive products, its sales will not rise so dramatically in the next few months. Furthermore, high-level game players may have loyalty to a certain game brands, making it harder for Whirlwind to intrude into the high-end market. Whirlwind's poor performance over the past two years may also lost customers' confidence in its games.

Finally, the continuous sales decline of Whirlwind games over the past two years may be brought about by a series of reasons.  If Whirlwind only provides lifelike graphics instead of improving other aspects of its product and service relevant to its sales decline, the expected sales boom is unlikely to take place. For instance, customers may dislike the poor after-sales service provided by Whirlwind or the art design of its games is rather hideous. Therefore, it remains Whirlwind's first priority to identify the reasons contributing to the sales decrease, and design sales strategies accordingly.  

To sum up, the above discussion has fully demonstrated the lame logic and analysis underlying this argument. The argument would be more convincing if the arguers proved the validity of the survey and identify the real factors leading to the sales decline. Whirlwind will not see business improvement until its rejuvenating strategies are based on reliable data and analysis.


原来的版本
In this argument, the arguer predicts that the sales of Whirlwind video games will witness a dramatic rise in the following two months since Whirlwind has just introduced several new games specially designed to meet the preference of game players according to a recent survey result. However, a careful examination of this argument would immediately reveal a series of critical flows it suffers from.

First of all, the arguer draw the prediction based on the results of an unreliable survey without providing any vital information of the survey sample. It is very likely that the part of the survey sample was not aged between10 to 25 and therefore reduces the effectiveness of the advertisements directed at that age group. Besides, the sample may not be large enough to be representative of game players. If the survey sample happens to be high-end customers, their preference cannot represent that of normal players. In addition, the arguer also fails to tell the location where the survey is conducted. If that area is very remote to the one where Whirlwind does intensive advertising, the ad campaign would probably be quite ineffective. Since the arguer provides insufficient information about the survey, the prediction drawn upon its result certainly loses it validity.

Secondly, the arguer assumes that the majority of game players have already owned or would buy the most up-to-date computers to play the new Whirlwind video games, which is probably not true among the age group between 10 to 25 years old.  Since the majority of this age group are high school and college students who are still supported by their parents, the chances that they have or buy the most expensive computers to play games are rather slim. Their parents are unwilling to give them such a large amount of money on playing computer games. Therefore, it is highly possible that sales of the new video games will see no improvement since the customers do not have the advanced hard wares to play the games.

Additionaly, the arguer ignores the powerful existence of other competitors of Whirlwind, who might have already introduced similar products to the market. If Whirlwind's new games are confronted with a number of competitive products, its sales will not rise so dramatically in the next few months. Furthermore, high-level game players may have loyalty to a certain game brands, making it harder for Whirlwind to intrude in the high-end market. Whirlwind's poor performance over the past two years also reduces customers' confidence in its games.

Finally, the continuous sales decline of Whirlwind games over the past two years may be brought about a series of reasons.  If Whirlwind only provides lifelike graphics instead of improving other aspects of its product and service relevant to its sales decline, the expected sales boom is unlikely to take place. For instance, customers may dislike the poor after-sales service provided by Whirlwind or the art design of its games is rather hideous. Therefore, it remains Whirlwind's first priority to identify the reasons contributing to the sales decrease, and design sales strategies accordingly.  

To sum up, the above discussion have fully demonstrated the lame logic and analysis underlying this argument. The argument would be more convincing if the arguers prove the validity of the survery and identify the real factors leading to the sales decline. Whirlwind will not see business improvement until its rejuvenating strategies are based on reliable data and analysis.

[ 本帖最后由 leaf99 于 2006-6-11 16:59 编辑 ]

leaf99UID: 2174003

请大虾大刀阔斧地拍吧………………
回帖必回拍:lol
发扬互改的优良传统！

[ 本帖最后由 leaf99 于 2006-6-9 21:52 编辑 ]

joey.liuUID: 2207101

In this argument, the arguer predicts that the sales of Whirlwind video games will witness a dramatic rise in the following two months since Whirlwind has just introduced several new games specially designed to meet the preference of game players according to a recent survey result. However, a careful examination of this argument would immediately reveal a series of critical flows it suffers from.

First of all, the arguer draw the prediction based on the results of an unreliable survey without providing any vital information of the survey sample. It is very likely that the part of the survey sample was not aged between10 to 25 and therefore reduces the effectiveness of the advertisements directed at that age group. Besides, the sample may not be large enough to be representative of game players. If the survey sample happens to be high-end customers, their preference cannot represent that of normal players. In addition, the arguer also fails to tell the location where the survey is conducted. If that area is very remote to the one where Whirlwind does intensive advertising, the ad campaign would probably be quite ineffective. Since the arguer provides insufficient information about the survey, the prediction drawn upon its result certainly loses it validity.

Secondly, the arguer assumes that the majority of game players have already owned or would buy the most up-to-date computers to play the new Whirlwind video games, which is probably not true among the age group between 10 to 25 years old.  Since the majority of this age group are high school and college students who are still supported by their parents, the chances that they have or buy the most expensive computers to play games are rather slim. Their parents are unwilling to give them such a large amount of money on playing computer games. Therefore, it is highly possible that sales of the new video games will see no improvement (not be reversed or decline continually) since the customers do (may) not have the advanced hard wares (hard-wares) to play the games.

Additionally, the arguer ignores the powerful existence of other competitors of Whirlwind, who might have already introduced similar products to the market. If Whirlwind's new games are confronted with a number of competitive products, its sales will not rise so dramatically in the next few months. Furthermore, high-level game players may have loyalty to a certain game brands, making it harder for Whirlwind to intrude in the high-end market. Whirlwind's poor performance over the past two years also reduces (might also lose) customers' confidence in its games.

Finally, the continuous sales decline of Whirlwind games over the past two years may be brought about (for) a series of reasons.  If Whirlwind only provides lifelike graphics instead of improving other aspects of its product and service relevant to its sales decline, the expected sales boom is unlikely to take place. For instance, customers may dislike the poor after-sales service provided by Whirlwind or the art design of its games is rather hideous. Therefore, it remains Whirlwind's first priority to identify the reasons contributing to the sales decrease, and design sales strategies accordingly.  (用词不错)
To sum up, the above discussion have （has） fully demonstrated the lamb（dumb？） logic and analysis underlying this argument. The argument would be more convincing if the arguers prove (arguer proved) the validity of the survery (survey) and identify the real factors leading to the sales decline. Whirlwind will not see business improvement until its rejuvenating strategies are based on reliable data and analysis.

楼主作文功底真是不错，思路很宽，语言修辞很棒！
不过，我觉得campaign需要反驳的多一点，口气要委婉，即多用可能语气。

joey.liuUID: 2207101

http://www.gter.edu.cn/bbs/viewt ... e%3D1#pid1768680079

lixiaomin046400UID: 2207959

时间：90m  字数：568
提纲
1、survery（survey） not convincing
2、normal players cannot afford the most up-to-date comupters （computers） , and thus cannot afford the games.
3、players have other alternatives. brand loyalty.
4、decline 可能有其他原因，而单单是内容，就算改了一方面，也不可能马上增加。

In this argument, the arguer predicts that the sales of Whirlwind video games will witness a dramatic rise in the following two months since Whirlwind has just introduced several new games specially designed to meet the preference of game players according to a recent survey result. However, a careful examination of this argument would immediately reveal a series of critical flows it suffers from.

First of all, the arguer draw the prediction based on the results of an unreliable survey without providing any vital information of the survey sample. It is very likely that the part of the survey sample was not aged between10 to 25 and therefore reduces the effectiveness of the advertisements directed at that age group. Besides, the sample may not be large enough to be representative of game players. If the survey sample happens to be high-end customers, their preference cannot represent that of normal players. In addition, the arguer also fails to tell the location where the survey is conducted. If that area is very remote to the one where Whirlwind does intensive advertising, the ad campaign would probably be quite ineffective. Since the arguer provides insufficient information about the survey, the prediction drawn upon its result certainly loses it validity.

Secondly, the arguer assumes that the majority of game players have （has？the majority在什么情况下用单数什么情况下复数？呵呵） already owned or would buy the most up-to-date computers to play the new Whirlwind video games, which is probably not true among the age group between 10 to 25 years old.  Since the majority of this age group are high school and college students who are still supported by their parents, the chances that they have or buy the most expensive computers to play games are rather slim. Their parents are unwilling to give them such a large amount of money on playing computer games. Therefore, it is highly possible that sales of the new video games will see no improvement since the customers do not have the advanced hard wares to play the games.

Additionaly（Additionally）, the arguer ignores the powerful existence of other competitors of Whirlwind, who might have already introduced similar products to the market. If Whirlwind's new games are confronted with a number of competitive products, its sales will not rise so dramatically in the next few months. Furthermore, high-level game players may have loyalty to a certain game brands, making it harder for Whirlwind to intrude in the high-end market. Whirlwind's poor performance over the past two years also reduces customers' confidence in its games.

Finally, the continuous sales decline of Whirlwind games over the past two years may be brought about a series of reasons.  If Whirlwind only provides lifelike graphics instead of improving other aspects of its product and service relevant to its sales decline, the expected sales boom is unlikely to take place. For instance, customers may dislike the poor after-sales service provided by Whirlwind or the art design of its games is rather hideous. Therefore, it remains Whirlwind's first priority to identify the reasons contributing to the sales decrease, and design sales strategies accordingly.  

To sum up, the above discussion have （has） fully demonstrated the lame logic and analysis underlying this argument. The argument would be more convincing if the arguers prove the validity of the survery （survey） and identify the real factors leading to the sales decline. Whirlwind will not see business improvement until its rejuvenating strategies are based on reliable data and analysis.

Argument更没得说了阿，除了一点小小的粗心，拼错了几个单词，呵呵。论证有力，思路清晰，向叶子学习:handshake

riverwUID: 2199459

时间：90m  字数：568
提纲
1、survery not convincing
2、normal players cannot afford the most up-to-date comupters, and thus cannot afford the games.
3、players have other alternatives. brand loyalty.
4、decline 可能有其他原因，而单单是内容，就算改了一方面，也不可能马上增加。

In this argument, the arguer predicts that the sales of Whirlwind video games will witness a dramatic rise in the following two months since Whirlwind has just introduced several new games specially designed to meet the preference of game players according to a recent survey result. However, a careful examination of this argument would immediately reveal a series of critical flows it suffers from (最后这句表达别扭，it易被理解为examination).

First of all, the arguer draw the prediction based on the results of an unreliable survey without providing any vital information of the survey sample. It is very likely (感觉用possible更恰当些) that the part of the survey sample was not aged between10 to 25 and therefore reduces the effectiveness of the advertisements directed at that age group. Besides, the sample may not be large enough to be representative of game players. If the survey sample happens to be (For your reference: was mainly picked from) high-end customers, their preference cannot represent that of normal players. In addition, the arguer also fails to tell the location where the survey is conducted. If that area is very remote to the one where Whirlwind does intensive advertising, the ad campaign would probably be quite ineffective. Since the arguer provides insufficient information about the survey (本段攻击总结，我认为应说出arguer未提供“上述“这些关键因素，以在意思上跟前边的批驳结合更紧密一点), the prediction drawn upon its result certainly loses it (its) validity (2个it指代混乱，献丑：Since the arguer fails to provide above mentioned critical information of the survey, the prediction based on this survey loses its validity completely.).

Secondly, the arguer assumes that the majority of game players have already owned or would buy the most up-to-date computers to play the new Whirlwind video games, which is probably not true among the age group between 10 to 25 years old.  Since the majority of this age group are high school and college students who are still supported by their parents, the chances that they have or buy the most expensive computers to play games are rather slim. Their parents are unwilling to give them such a large amount of money on playing computer games. Therefore, it is highly possible that sales of the new video games will see no improvement since the (potential) customers do (may) not have the advanced hard wares (hardwares) to play the games.

Additionaly (Additionally), the arguer ignores the powerful existence of other (去掉other) competitors of Whirlwind, who might have already introduced similar products to the market. If Whirlwind's new games are confronted with a number of competitive products, its sales will not rise so dramatically in the next few months. Furthermore, high-level game players may have loyalty to a certain game brands, making it harder for Whirlwind to intrude in (into?) the high-end market. Whirlwind's poor performance over the past two years also reduces customers' confidence in its games.

Finally, the continuous sales decline of Whirlwind games over the past two years may be brought about by a series of reasons.  If Whirlwind only provides lifelike graphics instead of improving other aspects of its product and service relevant to its sales decline, the expected sales boom is unlikely to take place. For instance, customers may dislike the poor after-sales service provided by Whirlwind or the art design of its games is rather hideous. Therefore, it remains Whirlwind's first priority to identify the reasons contributing to the sales decrease, and design sales strategies accordingly.  

To sum up, the above discussion have fully demonstrated the lame logic and analysis underlying this argument. The argument would be more convincing if the arguers prove the validity of the survery and identify the real factors leading to the sales decline. Whirlwind will not see business improvement until its rejuvenating strategies are based on reliable data and analysis.

对于叶子的语言功底我只能感叹。
看着你们行云流水般写完一篇又一篇习作，而我还在所欠的作业上边苦苦挣扎，不由得焦急万分啊！

leaf99UID: 2174003

非常感谢楼上的修改。其实，我写作文时非常痛苦，相信其他战友也有同感！
但因为要交作业，只能逼自己。人就是逼出来，相信你也能的，加油

[ 本帖最后由 leaf99 于 2006-6-11 11:39 编辑 ]

盈盈飞飞UID: 2217743

叶子，对于你这篇A我没得改了
偶尔几个小语法错楼上的也改过了
我真的是很认真的看了好几遍
羡慕你呀

leaf99UID: 2174003

飞飞每次都夸的我不好意思了，谢谢大家的支持与帮助，
有了你们，考G之路不再那么孤单。
肯定还有不足之处，相信通过互改能够得到提高。

[ 本帖最后由 leaf99 于 2006-6-11 12:00 编辑 ]

728AWUID: 2216408

恩，叶子的语法和字词没什么可挑的，我的想法是，看完整片文章后，觉得是否在逻辑错误的重点于次重点的排序上要调整一下呢？感觉第4点比较重要，建议放到前面。


最近学校网络几乎崩溃,连自己学校的BBS都上不去,所以交作业和改作文比较晚了， 请大家见谅~~:(