COMEON作文小组------qianqianlove 10月6日作业

qianqianloveUID: 2551515

While numerous people who claim that it is not necessary to concern about events happening around the world since they have nothing to do with our daily life, I am prone to the view that every individual is supposed to pay attention to the world situation.

There are many reasons to support my opinion, of which the world events may indirectly have effect on your life while you are not aware of this. Have you ever realized how serious the world problems are? Maybe you can just rely on an air conditioner for the problem of global warming, it, however, can also threaten human well-being profoundly in the long run, by pumping up the frequency and intensity of floods and droughts and by causing rapid swings in the weather. Flood and droughts associated with global climate change could undermine health in other ways as well. People always have their eyes on immediate needs, but not on long term development.
Every man has a share of responsibility for the fate of his country, the saying goes, and this constitutes the second reason of my point. As an individual, we should concern ourselves with state affairs and the future of our country by learning about the current situation and status of the nation. What is interesting is, actually, the situation of the country may exert an influence on one’s career choices in some way. You may prefer to be a useful person whose skilled abilities may suit the needs of the country. In other words, only do you know well about our country’s situation and status around the world, you can judge what specialized personnel the nation requires. So it is of importance to care about things happening around the world.
What’ more, we are a person who is not only belongs to our country, but the whole world. I still remember those days when china was suffering from snow catastrophe and earthquake disasters, foreign aid was delivered to China’s disaster area and people in the world show their best love to the victims. And it really helped a lot to the Chinese people in the process of conquer the disasters.  How can all of this happen if people are all indifferent to the events around the world?  We are family from one world, so we are supposed to care about the whole world.
Judging from all the opinions mentioned above, we can arrive at this conclusion that it is of great necessity and responsibility to concern about the events happening around the world as a member of the society, a member of the nation, and a member of the whole planet.

[ 本帖最后由 qianqianlove 于 2008-10-7 15:07 编辑 ]

hans0612UID: 2462190

这两天教研室小忙，没空上网，就给耽搁了，对不住了，没忘记，只是耽搁了

马上就改，再次抱歉

hans0612UID: 2462190

While numerous people who claim that it is not necessary to concern about events happening around the world（这句话是不是有语病？谓语呢，把who删掉？）since they have nothing to do with our daily life（lives）, I am prone to the view that every individual is supposed to pay attention to the world situation(world situation是不是比events范围要小).

There are many reasons to support my opinion（我个人不喜欢这种方式，这句话放上面，第二段第一句直接开门见山）, of which the world events may indirectly have effect on your life（indirectly） while you are not aware of this. Have you ever realized how serious the world problems are? Maybe you can just rely on an air conditioner for(to overcome) the problem of global warming, it, however(it放后面吧), can also threaten human well-being profoundly in the long run, by pumping up the frequency and intensity of floods and droughts and by causing rapid swings in the weather. Flood and droughts associated with global climate change could undermine health in other ways as well. People always have their eyes on immediate needs, but （ignore the） long term development.

（过渡词？）Every man has a share of responsibility for the fate of his country, the saying goes, and this constitutes the second reason of my point. As an individual, we should concern（realize） ourselves with state affairs and the future of our country by learning about the current situation and status of the nation. What is（something？） interesting is, actually, the situation of the country may exert an influence on one’s career choices in some way. You may prefer to be a useful person whose skilled abilities may suit the needs of the country. In other words, only you know well about our country’s situation and status around the world, you can judge what specialized personnel the nation requires. So it is of importance（发现你很喜欢用名词，难得也用用形容词吧） to care about things happening around the world（句式倒一下，you can...only ...）.

What’ more, we are a person（persons） who is（are） not only belongs(belong) to our country, but (要不要加个also？)the whole world. I still remember those days when china was suffering（suffered） from snow catastrophe and earthquake disasters, foreign aid （aids）was（were） delivered to China’s disaster（stricken） area（areas） and people in the（all over the） world show their best love（benevolence）to the victims. And it（their behaviors） really helped a lot to the Chinese people in the process of conquer the disasters.  How can all of this happen（What would happened） if people are（were）all indifferent to the events around the world（这句我也不确定，虚拟语气忘了好久了）?  We are family from（？from肯定不对） one world, so we are supposed to（语气是不是再肯定些？） care about the whole world.

Judging from all the opinions mentioned above, we can arrive at this conclusion that it is of great necessity and responsibility (for us 加在这不一定合适)to concern（care,concern用过几次了） about the events happening around the world as a member of the society, a member of the nation  and a member of the whole planet(还是觉得这句话拆成两句奖).

驾驭单词能力很强，内容也很不错。但有几句长句写的很勉强，我觉得没有必要故意为之，是不是应该写的更中规中矩些？
第一次改作文，仅个人观点