Issue154 第三篇 写作时间有所缩短，但还是改了很久~

小玩UID: 2111777

ISSUE
154"Both parents and communities must be involved in the local schools. Education is too important to leave solely to a group of professional educators."

提纲：有保留的同意
      1 家长、社区、教育者的互动是必要的
      2 加以限定：要给学生一定的自由发展空间

Owing to its significance to any individual and any nation, education deserves all of our focus and full attention, especially on the improvement of its efficiency and effectiveness. I fundamentally agree with the speaker's conclusion that apart from educators, parents and communities should also play an active role in education.

As is known to all, the future of any country is gripped in the fists of the next generation. To be more specifically, it relies on both their intellectual capacity and social capability. Since everyone is born to be a piece of white paper, then, it leaves for adults to draw colorful strokes on that. Education is just the program specially designed to help arouse one's natural talents by imparting knowledge in various aspects, academically and socially; and adults, as mentioned above, are the masters in this process. People take it for granted that professional educators, such as teachers, faculties or scholars specialized in pedagogy are bound to assume such responsibility, with the consideration of their professional skills related to students’ psychology and behavior. Indeed, it is their devotedness and constant efforts that contribute to the burgeoning of elites and thus the progress of civilization.

However, "adults" should not be narrowly limited to educators. Parents, usually described as the first teachers for an individual, always cast far-reaching influence on one’s life. Firstly, youngsters are inclined to imitate those they are most familiar with and in the earlier phase of one's development, they spend more time at home and with their parents rather than at school and with their teachers and peers. In addition, since they have not yet been equipped with enough knowledge to discern right and wrong or think critically, they almost entirely depend on the parents to acquire Therefore, a single gesture or word may impress youngsters deeply and even affect their further behavior. A retrospect may offer us the answer in this respect. History has a myriad of celebrities who attribute large scale of their achievement to early education formally or unconsciously instructed by their parents. In fact, most of these parents share one thing, that is, an acute eye on little children's interest and a keen heart on guiding them on. Therefore, the function of parents cannot be ignored or replaced by educators, especially at one's early stage.

Further more, we should not rule out communities in education, especially when considering cultivation of one’s social ability. Nowadays education has progressed in much broader range and connotation, which have already extended from an intellectual scope to the so-called "all-round" category - how one can be most fit to society. Communities may prepare social sense or awareness by providing sufficient opportunities to contact the society. For example, by applying for the community volunteer and participating voluntary services, young people may more aware of social responsibility and comprehend more accurately the sense of compassion. Actually those merits are valuable for a person, but not always gained by formal education.

As stated above, the interaction of pedagogue, parents and community is essential to one's growth, because they act as either leaders or catalyst in the process. However, as Socrates’ philosophy indicated, students act as the central part in this process. The task of others is to encourage and elicit their natural talents by various approaches. Hence, adults should, on the one hand, point out the direction while on the other hand, grant them freedom and release regulation to some extent, just like what mature birds do-showing the flying technique for the squad and later let them fly in the immense sky.

In sum, education is so significant to us that it can never be too much to be emphasized. And this understanding simply confirms our resolution of the co-effort of the whole society, including pedagogue, parents as well as communities, to make education truly effective.

老规矩，先自己说一下：
1 好像重点不是很突出，有点全面撒网的感觉。本来没想写那么多字的，改着改着就越来越多了
2 表达不地道，有些地方想用点比喻啊什么的，又不知道怎么说，就按中文思维直接弄过去了。请大家帮忙改改啊

问题还多，剩下的留给大家踊跃发言……谢谢各位先:)

zmmaryUID: 2105117

Owing to its significance to any individual and any nation, education deserves all of our focus and full attention, especially on the improvement of its efficiency and effectiveness. I fundamentally agree with the speaker's conclusion that apart from educators, parents and communities should also play an active role in education.开头较明确的说

As is known to all, the future of any country is gripped in the fists of the next generation. To be more specifically, it relies on both their intellectual capacity and social capability. Since everyone is born to be a piece of white paper这句话老外会不会懂啊。呵呵。还有，用like 好像都be 好点, thenthen删掉, it leaves for adults to draw colorful strokes on that.这句话最好再重新写一下，我懂了，ETS的人未必懂，呵呵 Education is just the program specially designed to help arouse one's natural talents by imparting knowledge to him/herin various aspects, academically and socially; and adults, as mentioned above, are the masters in this process. People take itit删 for granted that professional educators, such as teachers, faculties or scholars这些词在概念上好混啊 specialized in pedagogy are bound to assume such responsibility, with the consideration of their professional skills related to students’ psychology and behavior.这句话中用knowledge好点, skill一般应该和doing相联系 Indeed, it is their devotednessdevotion 还是devotions的 and constant efforts that contribute to the burgeoning of elites and thus the progress of civilization.

However, "adults" should not be narrowly limited to educators. Parents, usually described as the first teachers for an individual, always cast far-reaching influence on one’s life. Firstly, youngsters are inclined to imitate those they are most familiar with and in the earlier phase of one's development, they spend more time at home and with their parents rather than at school and with their teachers and peers. In addition, since they have not yet been equipped with enough knowledge to discern right and from wrong or think critically, they almost entirely depend on the parents to acquire? Therefore, a single gesture or word may impress youngsters deeply and even affect their further behavior. A retrospect may offer us the answer in this respect. 好像是要说和local school相关的阶段，怎么尽说学前啊？说很多时间在家还是有点相关History has a myriad of celebrities who attribute large scale of their achievement to early education formally or unconsciously instructed by their parents. In fact, most of these parents share one thing, that is, an acute eye on little children's interest and a keen heart on guiding them on. Therefore, the function of parents cannot be ignored or replaced by educators, especially at one's early stage.
Further more, we should not rule out communities in education, especially when considering cultivation of one’s social ability. Nowadays education has progressed in much broader range and connotation, which have already extended from an intellectual scope to the so-called "all-round" category - how one can be most fit to society. Communities may prepare social sense or awareness by providing sufficient opportunities to contact the society. For example, by applying for the community volunteer and participating in voluntary services, young people may more aware of social responsibility and comprehend more accurately the sense of compassion. Actually those merits are valuable for a person, but not always gained by formal education. 这一段写得还不错，比较切题，都像这样写多好

As stated above, the interaction of pedagogue, parents and community is essential to one's growth, because they act as either leaders or catalyst in the process. However, as Socrates’ philosophy indicated, students act as the central part in this process. The task of others is to encourage and elicit their natural talents by various approaches. Hence, adults should, on the one hand, point out the direction while on the other hand, grant them freedom and release regulation to some extent, just like what mature birds do-showing the flying technique for the squad and later let them fly in the immense sky.

In sum, education is so significant to us that it can never be too much to be emphasized. And this understanding simply confirms our resolution of the co-effort of the whole society, including pedagogue, parents as well as communities, to make education truly effective. 总结得有点。。。。。。。


因为你的语言应该说还是比较有文采，一些小错应该问题不大，所以我主要看思想：
噢，你写得真的好散啊，无关的东西占了至少三分之一
要多省省题再写啊。
第二段直接说人们往往认为那是教育家们的义务不好吗？
然后第三段说不是这样的，指出学生很多时间在家里啊什么的。
第四段可以小改后留下
第五段和结尾合到一起去，总结+建议。

jeffu-uh-ohUID: 205335

我个人的观点是：

写的太好了，层次也分的清晰，实在是没东西可改。所以我挑了一些你没有注意到的语法毛病来改。

Owing to its significance to any individual and any nation, education deserves all of our focus and full attention, especially on the improvement of its efficiency and effectiveness. I fundamentally agree with the speaker's conclusion that apart from educators, parents and communities should also play an active role in education.

As is ’is’ omitted known to all, the future of any country is gripped in the fists of the next generation. To be more specificallyI don’t see an ‘adverb’ can serves as a predicative , it relies on both their intellectual capacity and social capability. Since everyone is born to be a piece of white paper, then, it leaves for adults to draw colorful strokes on that. Education is just the program specially designed to help arouse one's natural talents by imparting knowledge in various aspects, academically and socially; and adults, as mentioned above, are the masters in this process. People take it for granted that professional educators, such as teachers, faculties Faculty refers to a group of teachers. 所以可以不加复数 or scholars specialized in pedagogy are bound to assume such responsibility, with the consideration of their professional skills related to students’ psychology and behavior. Indeed, it is their devotedness and constant efforts that contribute to the burgeoning of elites and thus the progress of civilization.

However, "adults" should not be narrowly limited to educators. Parents, usually described as the first teachers for an individual, always cast far-reaching influence on one’s life. Firstly, youngsters are inclined to imitate those they are most familiar with and in the earlier phase of one's development, they spend more time at home and with their parents rather than at school and with their teachers and peers. In addition, since they have not yet been equipped with enough knowledge to discern right and wrong or think critically, they almost entirely depend on the parents to acquire Therefore, a single gesture or word may impress youngsters deeply and even affect their further behavior. A retrospect may offer us the answer in this respect. History has a myriad of celebrities who attribute large scale of their achievement to early education formally or unconsciously instructed by their parents. In fact, most of these parents share one thing, that is, an acute eye on little children's interest and a keen heart on guiding them on. Therefore, the function of parents cannot be ignored or replaced by educators, especially at one's early stage.

Further more, we should not rule out communities in education, especially when considering cultivation of one’s social ability. Nowadays education has progressed in much broader range and connotation, which have already extended from an intellectual scope to the so-called "all-round" category - how one can be most fit to society. Communities may prepare social sense or awareness by providing sufficient opportunities to contact the society. For example, by applying for the community volunteer why not use its plural and participating when ‘participate’ means ‘take part in’, it serves as an intransitive verb; it can also be used as a transitive verb, only when it evinces ‘share’.voluntary services, young people may bemore aware of social responsibility responsibilities would be better and comprehend more accurately the sense of compassion. Actually those merits are valuable for a person, but not always gained by formal education.

As stated above, the interaction of pedagogue, parents and community is essential to one's growth, because they act as either leaders or thecatalyst in the process. However, as Socrates’ philosophy indicated, students act as the central part in this process. The task of others is to encourage and elicit their natural talents by various approaches. Hence, adults should, on the one hand, point out the direction while on the other hand, grant them freedom and release regulation Are you trying to say adults should not press/regulate/push/or whatever students too hard, so they’d better relax the regulation or even remove it? to some extent, just like what mature birds do-showing the flying technique for the squad and later let letting them fly alone in the immense sky.

In sum, education is so significant to us that it can never be too much to be emphasized. And this understanding simply confirms our resolution of the co-effort of the whole society, including pedagogue, parents as well as communities, to make education truly effective.

songwei1765UID: 202658

改的人很多啊，偶就只顶一下了哈~~
下午还要考试~~

小玩UID: 2111777

Originally posted by songwei1765 at 2005-7-1 11:09
改的人很多啊，偶就只顶一下了哈~~
下午还要考试~~

……走过路过好歹还是瞟一眼塞……写那么久，人都要疯了……

songwei1765UID: 202658

Originally posted by 小玩 at 2005-7-1 11:53


……走过路过好歹还是瞟一眼塞……写那么久，人都要疯了……

偶去考试去了，晚上帮你看哈~~

小玩UID: 2111777

Originally posted by songwei1765 at 2005-7-1 13:03

偶去考试去了，晚上帮你看哈~~

嗯，随便砸~~~谢谢一个先：）

runningpiggyUID: 194977

占个座。。。冲个凉就回来改。。。

runningpiggyUID: 194977

Owing to its significance to any individual and any nation, education deserves all of our focus and full attention, especially on the improvement of its efficiency and effectiveness. I fundamentally agree with the speaker's conclusion that apart from educators, parents and communities should also play an active role in education.很好的开头......简洁明了......

As is known to all, the future of any country is gripped in the fists呵呵....能这么说的么......没见过哦......如果这是楼主的创造性发明......我觉得把它改成be determined by the next generation......会更好......如果英文里有这样的用法就当我没说过吧..... of the next generation. To be more specifically, it relies on both their intellectual capacity这个capacity多余...... and social capability. Since everyone is born to be a piece of white paper,这我也没在英文文章里见过...... then, it leaves for adults to draw colorful strokes on that.这句话如果让我写.......我会把它写成.....a newborn child is comparable to a piece of paper which is totally vacant while adults is the very people who are able to render such a paper to be an impressive painting or a mess-up.......呵呵.....写得不太好........仅供参考...... Education is just the program specially designed to help arouse one's natural talents by imparting knowledge in various aspects, academically and socially; and adults, as mentioned above, are the masters这里用master不太好......我觉得你的意思应该是说成年人是控制这个process的人......所以应该用operator会比较好........ in this process. People take it for granted that professional educators, such as teachers, faculties or scholars specialized in pedagogy are bound to assume such responsibility, with the consideration of their professional skills related to students’ psychology and behavior. Indeed, it is their devotedness and constant efforts that contribute to the burgeoning of elites and thus the progress of civilization.精彩的结尾.....这一段的问题在于.......论点句不明显........一般写issue还是一上来就表明自己的观点比较好......还有就是楼主用语的问题.......不知道是我孤陋寡闻还是楼主天马行空了......呵呵.......最后是例子的问题.....缺乏例子地在这猛吹总不太好.......想一下老师对学生的影响有什么例子......很多的......我就不仔细说了.....楼主自己想吧.....呵呵......

However, "adults" should not be narrowly limited to educators. Parents, usually described as the first teachers for an individual, always cast far-reaching influence on one’s life. Firstly, youngsters are inclined to imitate those they are most familiar with and in the earlier phase of one's development, they spend more time at home and with their parents rather than at school and with their teachers and peers.呵呵.....逻辑问题......时间长不代表影响大......为了论述的严密性......应该再说说......一般这种影响的大小是由时间决定的.......... In addition, since they have not yet been equipped with enough knowledge to discern right and wrong or think critically, they almost entirely depend on the parents to acquire怎么没东西了......acquire什么啊.....knowledge么...... Therefore, a single gesture or word may impress youngsters deeply and even affect their further behavior复数..... A retrospect may offer us the answer in this respect. History has a myriad of celebrities who attribute large scale of their achievement to early education formally or unconsciously instructed by their parents.太虚了.......这么说还不如直接说一个实例出来....... In fact, most of these parents share one thing,这个有点chinglish......写成most of these parents have one character in common楼主觉得怎么样...... that is, an acute eye on little多余的little.... children's interest and a keen heart on guiding them on. Therefore,这样的词怎么能出现两次......consequently.....accordingly......as a result......because of this等等等等都是很好的词怎么不用呢...... the function of parents cannot be ignored or replaced by educators, especially at one's early stage.不错的一段.......可是又在例子上出了问题.......举个实例远比空讲话有说服力.......

Further more,这个词是连起来写的..... we should not rule out communities in education, especially when considering cultivation of one’s social ability. Nowadays education has progressed in much broader range and connotation, which have already extended from an intellectual scope to the so-called "all-round" category - how one can be most fitfit有最高级么.....我也不知道.......但是写most fit感觉怪怪的.......不如写most suitable吧..... to society. Communities may prepare social sense or awareness by providing sufficient opportunities加个for the chiledren..... to contact the society. For example, by applying for the community volunteer and participating voluntary services, young people may be more aware of social responsibility and comprehend more accurately the sense of compassion. Actually those merits are valuable for a person,太虚了......为什么valuable.......后面用without which接个定语从句说说没有这样的技能会怎么样就好多了...... but not always gained by formal education.突兀的结尾......感觉话没说完......不够时间写了么......

As stated above, the interaction of pedagogue, parents and community is essential to one's growth, because they act as either leaders or catalyst in the process. However, as Socrates’ philosophy indicated,老苏的什么哲学说这东西了...... students act as the central part in this process. The task of others is to encourage and elicit their natural talents by various approaches. Hence, adults should, on the one hand, point out the direction while on the other hand, grant them freedom and release regulation to some extent, just like what mature birds do-showing the flying technique for the squad and later let them fly in the immense sky.无可挑剔........如果写让步段.....一开始写admittedly是不是会更好.....好让别人一看就知道你在让步......

In sum, education is so significant to us that it can never be too much to be emphasized.这句倒装吧......有个这样的机会放在面前........错过了多可惜啊...... And这个东西别放句首.....好怪的...... this understanding simply confirms our resolution of the co-effort of the whole society, including pedagogue, parents as well as communities, to make education truly effective.简洁的结尾.....很好......



总的说说......文章的语言很不错.......呵呵.......单词背得不错........当然提高空间还有不少.......至少句式上就稍嫌单调......什么倒装排比都没看到......还有语言的准确性还需提高........论述的过程不错......可是有些时候言而无物......集中表现在例子的缺乏.......


第三篇能这样已经很不错了........看楼主的样子不像是4分就能满足的.......所以还是好好努力吧.........期待你下一篇能更好.........你另外那两篇已经很多人改过了.......我就不改了........