argument6 互拍哦

fetusUID: 2122681

算是第二篇啦，欢迎提出您宝贵的意见，互改互改

TOPIC: ARGUMENT 6 - The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.

"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money."


Can the C Note, a jazz music club in Monroe really make money as the author expects in the argument above? It seems logic at the first glance and we may be convinced that C Note will be a vast profitable enterprise without doubt. Nevertheless, after careful consideration, we will find that the argument is not well-reasoned for the reason that the author has not proposed a persuasive analysis.

To begin with, the author falsely depends on a gratuitous assumption that there will be a considerable number of people, especially the jazz fan who would like to go the C Note. He also mentions a study which indicates that typical jazz fan spends almost $1,000 per year on jazz. However, we are not informed how many typical jazz fans there are in Monroe. It is possible that there are only a few people are typical jazz fans and what's more, there is no valid report to inform us by which way they will spend the money on jazz. Perhaps they would like to collect CD and spend much of their cost in this way, and under this circumstance the C Note will not profit form this kind of jazz fans at all. Another point the author ignores is that attending jazz festival does not necessarily mean people will go to jazz club regularly as well. The author seems to falsely link a relationship between attending festival and going to jazz club. It is likely that people merely prefer to enjoy the annual festival and will not spend much time to attend jazz club. Even they do go to the C Note, we are not sure of the frequency which determines a lot for the revenue of the club. Maybe they will go to jazz club only a few times by which the C Note could not make money as the author hopes.

In addition, the author drew a conclusion that the C Note will have all the local market all to itself since the nearest jazz club is far away. However, distance is only one element people will take consideration. People may care more about the atmosphere of the club as well as the sound boxes. It is possible that the farther club serves people in a much better condition and thus attracts more people. Although there are several well-known jazz musicians-who were believed by the author to definitely attract people-live in Monroe, there is no information that they will work in the C Note. Perhaps they have already worked in other clubs or maybe there are musician better than them who worked in the nearest jazz club. Then, we can find no advantages of the C Note and will doubt how it could attract people.

As a consequent, the author should evaluate all the possible alternatives discussed above, as well as the cost and management of opening a new jazz club before any final conclusion. When he considers all the factors thoughtfully, the argument will become more adequate and convincing.

[ 本帖最后由 fetus 于 2006-3-10 10:07 编辑 ]

fetusUID: 2122681

改了一位g友的，结果他没上线，有没有别人跟我互改的阿？

davidgdwUID: 145321

不好意思，昨天研究了半天没有学会怎么用版上那个修改工具，所以没提交，今天晚上一定完工：）

davidgdwUID: 145321

TOPIC: ARGUMENT 6 - The following was written as a part of an application for a small business loan by a group of developers in the city of Monroe.

"A jazz music club in Monroe would be a tremendously profitable enterprise. Currently, the nearest jazz club is 65 miles away; thus, our proposed club, the C Note, would have the local market all to itself. Plus, jazz is extremely popular in Monroe: over 100,000 people attended Monroe's jazz festival last summer, several well-known jazz musicians live in Monroe, and the highest-rated radio program in Monroe is 'Jazz Nightly,' which airs every weeknight. Finally, a nationwide study indicates that the typical jazz fan spends close to $1,000 per year on jazz entertainment. It is clear that the C Note cannot help but make money."


Can the C Note, a the jazz music club in Monroe really make money as the author expects in the argument above? It seems logic logical    at the first glance and we may be convinced that C Note will be a vast profitable enterprise without doubt. 好像有点重复 Nevertheless, after careful consideration, we will find that the argument is not well-reasoned for the reason that the author has not proposed a persuasive analysis.

To begin with, the author 应该是the argument falsely depends on a gratuitous assumption that there will be a considerable number of people, especially the jazz fan who 此处不应该有who了，不然就没有主句了would like to go the C Note. He also mentions a study which indicates that a typical jazz fan spends almost $1,000 per year on jazz. However, we are not informed how many typical jazz fans there are in Monroe. 是否要改成are there，这个我也不确定：） It is possible that there are only a few people are typical jazz fans and what's more, there is no valid report to inform us by which way they will spend the money on jazz. Perhaps they would like to collect CD and spend much of their cost in this way, 有点重复 and under this circumstance the C Note will not profit form from this kind of jazz fans at all. Another point the author ignores is that attending jazz festival does not necessarily mean people will go to jazz club regularly as well. The author seems to falsely link establish，link是不是有点chiglish？ a relationship between attending festival and going to jazz club. It is likely that people merely prefer to enjoy the annual festival and will not spend much time to attend jazz club. Even they do go to the C Note  sometimes , we are not sure of the frequency which determines a lot for the revenue of the club. 这句读着不是很舒服 Maybe they will go to jazz club only a few times加个时间范围限定，比如per year   by which the C Note could not make money as the author hopes. 感觉这段论证思路还可以，就是语言组织的不是很好。


In addition, the author drew 两段时态不统一，上一段是一般现在，现在成了一般过去 a conclusion that the C Note will have all 这里不用all，有后面的all是否也表达了相同的意思？ the local market all to itself since the nearest jazz club is far away. However, distance is only one element people will take into consideration. People may care more about the atmosphere of the club as well as 前面用more，后面应该用than the sound boxes. It is possible that the farther club serves people in a much better condition and thus attracts more people. Although there are several well-known jazz musicians 是否应该说明live in the city －who were believed by the author to definitely attract people-live in Monroe, there is no information in the argument that they will work in the C Note. Perhaps they have already worked in other clubs or maybe there are musician better than them who worked in the nearest jazz club. Then, we can find no advantages of the C Note and will doubt how it could attract people.

As a consequent, the author should evaluate all the possible alternatives discussed above, as well as the cost and management of opening a new jazz club before any final conclusion. When he considers all the factors thoughtfully, the argument will become more adequate and convincing. 整体感觉挺好，就是和我一样，有一些语法错误；还有可以考虑把第一段分成两段