球球的作文

linda_zhao2009UID: 2701071

9月22日作业

第一次写作业，希望前辈们抽时间帮我看看，欢迎猛拍and狠批

题目：Should people work for happiness or money？工作为了快乐还是MONEY？

After graduating from college or university, many young people hurry in getting a “good” job, and their ideal job usually mean high salary or famous company. Having work for many years, some people will change job for different aim: higher salary, more chance of promotion, developing skill, nearer to living house…Although these factors are not ambivalent to each other in one job, you have to decide which is the most important goal in working.

When I search a new job I will primarily consider whether it can give me happiness rather than getting money. Getting happiness is everyone’s ultimate goal of all of his/her activity or effort. Everyday only has 24 hours, except sleeping, 8 hours of work time take up a large part of our time, so we should work for happiness.

Happy work usually brings happy life. Your happiness get from work will extend to your spare time after work. If you enjoy your work, you will like to get up in the morning and like to share your work story during dinner. On the other hand, if you work just for money and feel bored in your work, you will feel everyday’s 8 hours are some kind of torture and always complain what happened even you leave office. One of my friends, Cindy, work in a hospital and always work overtime. She feels happy everyday because she everyday help patients to recover. Many of her patients always come back to hospital to see her and their smile give Cindy much joyful memory.

When you work for happiness you do your work well. Do you remember that when you were student you usually got high score in your favorite subjects? As the same, if you like your work, you will do your best to accomplish it and your achievement will give you more happiness. I work in a software company and I like my work very much. I always read some book related my work in my spare time and I feel reading is not a burden but joyful time to me. Then I practice new knowledge in work and my improvement and manager’s compliment will encourage me.

Most people usually work everyday, so everyone should think carefully why he/she works before selecting a work. Although money is necessary for living, working just for money maybe render you live under huge pressure and with great depression. It’s impossible to take annoying work for money in office and forget all of them to enjoy bright time at home. For getting more happiness in your whole life, you should work for happiness not for money.

luke_003UID: 2660230

After graduating from college or university, many young people hurry in getting a “good” job, and their ideal job usually mean high salary or famous company. Having work(worked) for many years, some people will change job for different aim: higher salary, more chance of promotion, developing skill, nearer to living house…Although these factors are not ambivalent to each other in one job, you have to decide which is the most important goal in working.
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When I search (for)a new job I will primarily consider whether it can give me happiness rather than getting money. Getting happiness is everyone’s ultimate goal of all of his/her activity or effort. Everyday only has 24 hours(有点中式), except sleeping, 8 hours of work time take up a large part of our time, so we should work for happiness.
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Happy work usually brings happy life. Your happiness get from work will extend to your spare time after work. If you enjoy your work, you will like to get up in the morning（喜欢起床？还是早起？） and like to share your work story during dinner. On the other hand, if you work just for money and feel bored（boring） in your work, you will feel everyday’s 8 hours are some kind of torture and always complain what happened even you leave office(有点不通顺). One of my friends, Cindy, work in a hospital and always work overtime. She feels happy everyday because she everyday help patients to recover. Many of her patients always come back to hospital to see her and their smile give Cindy much joyful memory.例子很不错
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When you work for happiness you do your work well. Do you remember that when you were (a)student you usually got high score in your favorite subjects? As the same, if you like your work, you will do your best to accomplish it and your achievement will give you more happiness. I work in a software company and I like my work very much. I always read some book（s） related （to）my work in my spare time and I feel reading is not a burden but joyful time（thing） to me. Then I practice new knowledge in work and my improvement and manager’s compliment will encourage me.! [' V, p; {( i4 V( b( i

* w) h1 E( E6 B3 ^, XMost people usually work everyday, so everyone should think carefully why he/she works before selecting a work(job似乎更好). Although money is necessary for living, working just for money maybe render you live under huge pressure and with great depression. It’s impossible to take annoying work for money in office and forget all of them to enjoy bright time at home. For getting more happiness in your whole life, you should work for happiness not for money
还是很不错的，尤其是用自己的例子比较有说服力，比单纯的说理更好。不足之处是：语法时态方面错误太多，可能是写的比较急。另外，稍微增加一些联系次，first,second,therefore之类，会显得条理清晰。还有就是你用的是you,your，感觉最好用we or one,they更好吧，第2人称不太常用。希望能更上一层楼。
关于写作，我实在没发言权，因为自己的问题也很多。平常练习的话，建议多看一些经典范文，尤其是他们的主题句和过度方面的东西，以及句式的表达，干劲儿很地道。还是就是自己多写吧，只要这样才会发现问题，也进步最快。希望我们共同进步，攻克ETS~~~

cinderella1016UID: 2666652

看了两段，就看不下去了。
我也算是帮人改过几篇作文的，就没看到哪一篇写成楼主这样的。
我不清楚你是什么基础，但是你的时态、语态、词语搭配、思维习惯都很糟糕。

努力吧~路漫漫啊！

linda_zhao2009UID: 2701071

非常非常。。。感谢luke的点评和建议！一定努力改进！

我是chineseladyUID: 2662783

我们是一组的给你改是应该的,不过刚才没找到你链接. 就只改扬扬的了. 你这个是22的,不是23的..你让我改这个还是..?昨天作业

linda_zhao2009UID: 2701071

就改这个吧，谢谢花花

我是chineseladyUID: 2662783

After graduating from college or university, many young people hurry in getting a “good” job, and their ideal job-->ones usually mean high salary or working for famous company. Having work for many years, some people will change job for different aim复数: higher salary, more chance复数 to be promoted of promotion, developing skill, and the location to their apartments( nearer to living house)…作文尽量不要出现这个符号.Although these factors are not ambivalent to each other in one job, you have to decide which is the most important goal in working.9 W2 E' Y; H6 _6 N; B) ^# I) X" i

When I am looking for( search )a new job I will primarily consider whether it can give me happiness rather or not than getting money. Getting happiness is everyone’s ultimate goal of all of his/her activity or effort没理解这里要表达你什么意思. Everyday only has 24 hours, except sleeping, therefore, 8 hours of work time takes up a large part of our time, so we should work for happiness.

Happy work usually brings happy life-->Working happily usually brings happiness in people's life. Your happiness get from work will extend to your spare time after work什么意思..是. If you enjoy your work, you will like to get up in the morning貌似跟工作没什么关系吧,喜欢不喜欢不是都要起床.. and like to share your work story-->share the interesting experience from work with family during dinner. On the other hand, if you work just for money and will feel bored in your work, you will feel everyday’s 8 hours are some kind of torture-->finally 8-hour working will be a torture and always complain what happened even you leave office. One of my friends, Cindy, works in a hospital and always works overtime. She feels happy everyday because she everyday help patients to recover. Many of her patients always come back to hospital to see her and their smile give Cindy much joyful memory.

When you work for happiness you do your work well. Do you remember that when you were student you usually got high score in your favorite subjects? you用的比较频繁As the same, if you like your work, you will do your best to accomplish it and your achievement will give you more happiness. I work in a software company and I like my work very much. I always read some book related my work in my spare time and I feel reading is not a burden but joyful time to me. Then I practice new knowledge in work and my improvement and manager’s compliment will encourage me.4 d% [4 n0 c  z( D( u. I

Most people usually work everyday, so everyone should think carefully why he/she works before selecting a work. Although money is necessary for living, working just for money maybe render you live under huge pressure and with great depression介词短语不用连词连接. It’s impossible to take annoying work for money in office and forget all of them to enjoy bright time at home. For getting more happiness in your whole life, you should work for happiness not for money.可能是表达问题文章的逻辑有点不清, 句子都是简单句. 围绕一个主题写还好了.小的语法注意

linda_zhao2009UID: 2701071

非常感谢“花花”小美女的仔细修改。:)
我的基础比较差，改我的作文一定耽误了你很长时间:L
我一定按照你的建议好好努力:victory: