Issue50【六人行小组7.26】by 包

thisisyishuUID: 2586842

TOPIC: ISSUE50 - "In order to improve the quality of instruction at the college and university level, all faculty should be required to spend time working outside the academic world in professions relevant to the courses they teach."
WORDS: 395
TIME: 00:45:00
DATE: 2010/7/26 16:59:14


I fundamentally agree with the speakers that engage the faculties who have working experience outside the academic world in professions relevant to the courses could merit to the quality of instruction at the college and university level. However, I believe it is not necessarily for the entire faculty to working outside. There are different kinds of subjects and different characteristic of teacher; we should make different requirment in difference situation.

To begin with, considering the difference among sub - disciplines, we need all kinds of teacher. In the fields which were summarized from practice and by setting practice as the goal; such as Architecture. A teacher with rich practical experience is more likely to be a competent supervisor. Because there are a lot of architecture knowledge can only be understand from the experience, such as various form of construction work in different location and environments; the patterns of interaction with Party A and government. The unexpected problems in the project is the most important power to nature a good architect and could never be taught by a teacher who lack working experience outside the academic world. Actually, Most of the top architects choose to teach in university, such as Peter Peter Eisenman and RemKoolhaas, they are popular of students because of their deep insight which spring from rich experience in practice. On the other hand, a professor of some disciplines such as theoretical physics need deep understanding of the theory rather than practice, the most important quality for them is the imagination and meticulously research. Professor Hocking complete Brief History of Time with amazing insight and thorough thinking rather than working outside the office.

Moreover, the most essential quality of faculty is the ability to Educate Students. Requiring all the faculty to working outside campers maybe a good approach to improve their professional qualities, nevertheless, it not the necessarily way to improve the quality of education. There are a lot of teacher who possess great knowledge and bold vision while they don’t known how to guiding students. In this case, the additional working experiences have nothing to do with the improvement of college and university level. Let alone the teachers who are busy with their own business and left little energy on teaching. The truth is to improve the quality of instruction at the college and university level, the most obvious way is to improve the teacher’s professional qualities and educational ability.



In conclusion, The university could decide weather the faculty should be required to working outside the academic world in professions relevant to the courses they teach after they have fully considered the faculty’s practical situation and students’ requirment.


TOPIC: ARGUMENT17 - The following appeared in a letter to the editor of the Walnut Grove town newspaper.

"Walnut Grove's town council has advocated switching from EZ Disposal (which has had the contract for trash collection services in Walnut Grove for the past ten years) to ABC Waste, because EZ recently raised its monthly fee from $2,000 to $2,500 a month, whereas ABC's fee is still $2,000. But the town council is mistaken; we should continue using EZ. EZ collects trash twice a week, while ABC collects only once. Moreover, EZ-which, like ABC, currently has a fleet of 20 trucks-has ordered additional trucks. Finally, EZ provides exceptional service: 80 percent of respondents to last year's town survey agreed that they were 'satisfied' with EZ's performance."
WORDS: 318
TIME: 00:30:00
DATE: 2010/7/26 16:59:14

The letter indicates the fact that the town council has advocated switching form EZ Disposal to ABC Waste, and the writer do not agree with this decision for 3 reasons. First, although EZ recently raised $500 a month, they collect trash twice a week while ABC collects only once. Moreover, E-Z currently has the same numbers of trucks with ABC, and E-Z has ordered additional trucks. Finally, 80 percent of respondents to last year's town survey agreed that they were satisfied with EZ's performance. The statistic proves that EZ provides exceptional service. The argument is problematic in several critical respects.

First of all, the argument depends on the assumption that the reaised $500 is worthwhile because EZ collects trash twice a week while ABC collects only once. It is entirely possible that EZ collects trash twice a week is caused by the inefficiency of their service. They can not finish the collection in one processing.
Even assuming that the EZ’s work is efficient, the writer fails to exclude the possibility that the additional collect each week is not necessary.


Secondly, the argument assumes that the fact EZ -has ordered additional trucks would provide better service, Perhaps the new trucks are prepared for the new business in the other town. Or, perhaps EZ’s original trucks are in bad condition and they just order the new trucks to replace the old ones, if that is the case, the author fails to shown a cause-and-effect relationship between the number of trucks and the quality of the service.



Thirdly, the letter has not shown the study upon which the argument depends to be statistically reliable. Lacking information about the randomness and size of the survey’s sample, the director cannot make a convincing argument based on that survey. The people studied should be representative of the overall people in town, other wise the author cannot draw any firm conclusions about weather the EZ provides exceptional service.

In sum, the letter’s claim is not well supported. To strengthen it, the author should give more evidences to ensure us that the EZ can provide better service than ABC Waste which is worthy for residents to pay more money and the survey of Customer satisfaction is reliable. Moreover, the author should consider the government’s financial situation, without the support of the governments no one would pay the additional $5oo each month.

xyjprcUID: 2412778

嗯，终于改完了，不敢说改好了，给你看看吧。
一开始就限时写，很有勇气呀，我都没敢限时写，不然肯定写不完。。。再加上刚开始练，肯定会比较紧张吧。
主要问题：一个是句子写长了以后就顾不上语法了，有些句子有明显且严重的语法错误，这个练练应该就好了。
二个是对单词用法的掌握不够，有些地方有点莫名其妙，还有时间，多查查你用得心里没底的单词。
三是结构虽然比较明晰，但推理不连贯不够有说服力，例证也不足以支撑推理，可以看看北美范文等等，学习一下它们推理的流程。
四是句子在传达意思上还显得不够，虽然可以看出来你肯定知道意思，但表达起来还是有困难，还是不熟练吧，再加上时间本来也有限（不过我在这一点上比你差远了@_@）
加油吧，自己也尝试再给自己改改，然后多看看别人的文章，多练练，相信会有很快进步的。

I fundamentally agree with the speakers [是speakers么？一般就说speaker吧] that engage [这里取的是什么意思，雇佣么？如果是这个意思，一般是someone be engaged to do sth.，而下面的结构不是这样的，或许你想表达的是encourage？] the faculties who have working experience outside the academic world in professions relevant to the courses could merit [merit是及物动词，应获得、值得的意思，不知道你是不是想用benefit？] to the quality of instruction at the college and university level. [华丽丽的第一句，不过可能因为写得比较长而忽略了隔得比较远的那些搭配，如果时间允许的话可以在修改的时候自己缩缩句看看] However, I believe it is not necessarily [不要用副词。而且not necessary=unnecessary] for the entire faculty to working outside. There are different kinds of subjects and different characteristic of teacher; we should make different requirment in difference situation. [意思是对不同的课程应该区别对待？有更好的表达方式，参见北美范文和crazyjoo的习作]
To begin with, considering the difference among sub - disciplines, we need all kinds of teacher. [teachers. 同时kind太宽泛了，需要各种类型的老师？什么算是“各种类型”呢？不如写成need teachers of various xxx.] In the fields which were summarized from practice and by setting practice as the goal; such as Architecture [这不是一个句子而是一个从句呀，没有主句。]. A teacher with rich practical experience is more likely to be a competent supervisor. [Why？段中一个孤立的观点陈述句容易遭到质疑，最好把它的解释和它合成一个主从复合句。这里仍是讲architecture teacher？如果是的，那么此句最好用An architecture teacher开头] Because there are a lot of architecture knowledge can only [此only放到from 前] be understand [understood] from the experience, such as various form of construction work in different location and environments; the patterns of interaction with Party A and government [分号后的是什么意思？似乎和其它部分关联不紧]. The unexpected problems in the project is the most important power [power是这么用的么] to nature a good architect and could never be taught by a teacher who lack working experience outside the academic world. [此句意思不太明了，表述不清楚] Actually, Most of the top architects choose to teach in university, such as Peter Peter Eisenman and RemKoolhaas, they [用who，不然就是run-on sentence了] are popular of [among] students because of their deep insight which spring from rich experience in practice. On the other hand, a professor of some disciplines such as theoretical physics need deep understanding of the theory rather than practice, the most important quality for them is the imagination and meticulously [不要用副词修饰名词] research. Professor Hocking complete[d] Brief History of Time with amazing insight and thorough thinking rather than working outside the office.[但这个例子和teaching似乎联系不紧]
Moreover, the most essential quality of faculty is the ability to Educate Students [不必为强调而如此大写]. Requiring all the[不用the] faculty to working outside campers maybe a good approach to improve[improving] their professional qualities, nevertheless, it not the necessarily way to improve the quality of education [后半分句无谓语]. There are a lot of teacher who possess great knowledge and bold[broad] vision while they don’t known[know] how to guiding[instruct] students. In this case, the additional working experiences have nothing to do with the improvement of college and university level. Let alone the teachers who are busy with their own business and left little energy on teaching. The truth is to improve the quality of instruction at the college and university level, the most obvious way is to improve the teacher’s professional qualities and educational ability. [但此段没有例证，所以单纯地说理显得没有说服力，要证明现阶段最影响教学效果的是教师本身的教学水平]

In conclusion, The university could decide weather[whether] the faculty should be required to working outside the academic world in professions relevant to the courses they teach after they have fully considered the faculty’s practical situation and students’ requirment.[但是末段应该是给出你自己观点的总结，而不是把问题扔回给the university，结尾不要写成argument的那种形式了]

xyjprcUID: 2412778

Argument好很多啦，看得出你对于它的模板有一定熟悉，所以行文比较得心应手了，结构很严谨。
个别表述上的问题，还有词的用法，还要再下功夫；至于句子结构，不要出现run-on sentence，这个再写的时候注意一下就好了。
嗯因为你是限时写的，能写成这样已经相当了不起啦，以后熟练了再把中间几个攻击段展开写写，比如多提一些合理的alternatives就会丰富许多。
下面上文章啦~也再次感谢你帮我的习作提的那么多好建议~加油~

TOPIC: ARGUMENT17 - The following appeared in a letter to the editor of the Walnut Grove town newspaper.

"Walnut Grove's town council has advocated switching from EZ Disposal (which has had the contract for trash collection services in Walnut Grove for the past ten years) to ABC Waste, because EZ recently raised its monthly fee from $2,000 to $2,500 a month, whereas ABC's fee is still $2,000. But the town council is mistaken; we should continue using EZ. EZ collects trash twice a week, while ABC collects only once. Moreover, EZ-which, like ABC, currently has a fleet of 20 trucks-has ordered additional trucks. Finally, EZ provides exceptional service: 80 percent of respondents to last year's town survey agreed that they were 'satisfied' with EZ's performance."
WORDS: 318
TIME: 00:30:00
DATE: 2010/7/26 16:59:14

The letter indicates the fact that the town council has advocated switching form EZ Disposal to ABC Waste, and the writer doe not agree with this decision for 3 reasons. First, although EZ recently raised [raise什么？股价么？这里要指代清楚是每月收废品的费用] $500 a month, they collect trash twice a week while ABC collects only once. Moreover, E-Z [题目中用EZ你就也用EZ吧] currently has the same numbers of trucks with ABC, and E-Z has ordered additional trucks. Finally, 80 percent of respondents to last year's town survey agreed that they were satisfied with EZ's performance. The statistic proves that EZ provides exceptional service. [重述部分略显多了，可以参考一下Eileen是怎么概括的] The argument is problematic in several critical respects.[额。。。毫不留情啊。。。如果有个过渡也算是对author的尊重吧]

First of all, the argument [+falsely] depends on the assumption that the reaised[拼写] $500 is worthwhile because EZ collects trash twice a week while ABC collects only once. It is entirely possible that EZ collects trash twice a week is caused by the inefficiency of their service. They can not[cannot] finish the collection in one processing.
Even assuming that the EZ’s work is efficient, the writer fails to exclude the possibility that the additional collect each week is not necessary.


Secondly, the argument assumes that the fact EZ -has ordered additional trucks would provide better service,[句号] Perhaps the [these] new trucks are prepared [would serve或者would be used to serve是不是更好一些？] for the new business in the other town. [Perhaps是不是最好不要单独成句？]Or, perhaps EZ’s original trucks are in bad condition and they just order the new trucks to replace the old ones,[改成句号，不然就是run-on sentence] if that is the case, the author fails to shown a cause-and-effect relationship between the number of trucks and the quality of the service.



Thirdly, the letter has not shown the study upon which the argument depends to be statistically reliable. Lacking information about the randomness and size of the survey’s sample, the director cannot make a convincing argument based on that survey. The people studied should be representative of the overall people in town, other wise[otherwise] the author cannot draw any firm conclusions about weather[whether，这个词错了两次啦注意注意] the EZ provides exceptional service. [是不是可以适当地指一下repondence这种错误，或者至少联系那篇letter讲一下，不然模板化太严重了]

In sum, the letter’s claim is not well supported. To strengthen it, the author should give more evidences to ensure us that the EZ can provide better service than ABC Waste which is worthy for residents to pay more money and the survey of Customer satisfaction is reliable. Moreover, the author should consider the government’s financial situation, without the support of the governments no one would pay the additional $5oo each month.[不知道结尾段再提出新的攻击点行不行，不过应该问题不大吧，可能我读的范文少了还没见过这样的用法]