Issue7 =So What=小组第一次作业 by robotwish

robotwishUID: 2550184

:)这篇文章赶得很急，加上本身语言的匮乏生硬，自我感觉极差，然而也算是第一篇，从无到有，希望同组的米丽水和木木同学狠拍


明显的拼写与语法错误已改，这次自我检讨，给之前诚心修改我的同学带来不便，请谅解，下不为例了

robotwishUID: 2550184

7. "The video camera provides such an accurate and convincing record of contemporary life that it has become a more important form of documentation than written records."
摄像机可以通过如此精确而有力的记录手段来再现当代生活，因此它已经代替书面记录成为了一种更重要的记录手段。

字数：426          用时：02:18:09          日期：2009/5/24 23:42:04

提纲：
topic sentence：I entirely agree with the point that video camera could provide an more previous and objective life,even sometihg else in many a respect.However,the speaker overlooks the core meaning of the written records where the video cannot take the place of.
1.摄像机在记录一些重大事件是更加准确和客观，如汶川大地震，南京大屠杀，
足球上的气氛，
2.摄影在生活中的重要作用，黑匣子，针孔摄像机
3.有些客观事实需要主观的文字去渲染，如英雄的高大形象，明星政客的炒作
4，笔使一些记录更加丰富，深刻，如文学作品，知识的传播，

电影：剧本到表达

robotwishUID: 2550184

In accordance with the title statement ,the video camera can record an accurate and convincing contemporary life and it has replaced the written records ,which seem out-dated ,as a form of documentation of more importance .I entirely agree with the point that a video camera could provide an more precise and objective life ,even something else in many a aspect .However ,the speaker overlooks the core meaning of the written records where the video cannot take the place.


To demonstrate some truth of news and essential events ,the video can show its stronger function that can tell us what happened and what the real reason was ,or let us judge and think by ourselves .For instance ,the Nanking Massacre ,disputed about the committed atrocities by some Japanese historians and government officials who claim that the entire incident has been grossly exaggerated or even fabricated for the purposes of political propaganda .If the video can record the whole events in reality and be saved completely ,there is no necessary to argue about the topic .Otherwise ,the SiChuan earthquake ,also in China in 2008,without the use of video ,we ,the whole national individuals in different peoples ,cannot understand the disaster visually-there is no death ,no homeless and no fear ,only bravery adamancy and bigness
.In one word ,in the accuracy and authenticity，the camera has played an important role in daily life.


Not only does the video change our life ,but also the cameras are objective witnesses with perfect memories .For example ,everyone knows the black box ,which showed why the event had happened .When we suffered from a train or air crash ,the rate that another accident will happen will be reduced after the black box is found .To catch the thieves ,pinhole cameras are equipped in major places such as banks ,ATM machines, private houses and so on .Indeed ,the video could catch the motive objects ,but the written words can't.




Nevertheless, as an old form of documentation, someone needs it to aggrandize and romance himself .The history always beautify heros ,such as Cao Cao  whose bad appearance cannot cover up his merit in the Han dynasty .A superstar or a politician control the medias written in magazines and newspapers ,no matter positive or negative and true or false, to improve his popularity.


Finally ,to the extent ,the records based on people's written words add dimension and richness .Knowledge should spread on books, the law must be left to written documentation ,and everyday everyone impress ideas and  memorize daily life through the diary. Indeed, for these certain purposes, written records are more appropriate than video records.


In sum, the speaker's conclusion overstates the importance of video records . To some extent, at least, the video can provide us some accurate and objective reality and take advantages in accidents. However, when the special use is needed, or the process should be richness and full of fantasy, the written records are indispensable.

lamya_laniUID: 2504773

written records,which seems out-dated
previous-----precise....
many a repects....
我觉得LZ的句法很长很乱。。。很多语法错误。。。这里就不再一一指出了。。
至于我觉得LZ文章最大的问题在于提纲条理不太清晰。。如果LZ的意思是尽管video很重要但是仍不能替代written record 那么LZ在用了一大段将video的重要性后就应该花更多的段来讲written record的重要性而不是继续将video的重要性。。。显得头重脚轻。。。论证不是很充分。。
我觉得GRE作文重在论证分析   而不是花哨的语言。。。虽然我承认语言很重要。。。

robotwishUID: 2550184

4# lamya_lani
基本的拼写错误真的很多，接受批评，态度不认真所致，我已改了大部分，请再指教
关于论证，的确在后两段赶得很急，所以就写的很草率，没有能具体的展开，我会认真的再补充
时间是挤出来的，还是自己的态度问题

terraliUID: 2599465

In accordance with the title statement（两个名词放在了一起。一般用statement就好）,the video camera can record an accurate and convincing contemporary life and it has replaced the written records, which seems out-dated（这个词怪怪的. ）, as a form of documentation of more importance.I entirely agree with （最好不要出现第一人称以及主观的I agree, I believe）the point（point是点，应该是view） that video camera could provide an more previous and objective life（provide life? 根据题目，应该是provide record吧）,even something else in many a respect（没看懂。要说明什么？）. However,the speaker overlooks the core meaning of the written records where the video cannot take the place of.




In accordance with
In accordance with 是形容词啊。或者动词那种感觉，放在句首，应该是用介词according to 吧。我把这句话放到GOOGLE里搜，得到的例句大部分是这样：
    Anal Sex in Accordance with God's Will.
而在这个网站http://www.english-test.net/forum/ftopic23647.html中，甚至很多人没听过这个短语
但是也有似乎通用了的例子。总之不顺眼，非常不顺眼。

it has replaced the written records, which seems out-dated,as an more important form of documentation.
这句话， which seems out-dated 是从句，也就是说，主句it has replaced the written records  as a form of documentation of more importance应该包括一个完整的主谓宾结构，是一句完整的话。但这个显然不是。而a form of documentation of more importance 这个带修饰的大名词中，如果 of more importance 做形容词，前面有一个起所属格作用的of, 这里又有一个，会让人有很错乱的感觉。个人感觉of最好少用。

However,the speaker overlooks the core meaning of the written records where the video cannot take the place of.
这个句子主语speaker，谓语overlooks， 宾语core meaning
where带的从句是限制 core meaning 的
可是接在written records后面，很混乱，好像在修饰records了
另外，定语从句中where是地点的引导词这里应该用that


To demonstrate some truth of news and enssential events,the video can show his （Its）stronger function （？功能用stronger来修饰不大对。直接ability不好么？It's ability that...）that can (连用两个can,应该尽量避免重复)tell us what was happened and what the real reason was,or let Let 有祈使义。这里用allow就可以。 us judge and think by ourselves很怪。用一个副词吧，independently. For instance,the Nanking Massacre,disputed about the committed atrocities by some Japanese historians and government officials又是两个名词并用了。 who claim that the entire incident has been grossly exaggerated grossly用这里好像不太对 or even fabricated for the purposes of political propaganda.If the video can record the whole events in reality这个词说不上来，觉得意思不对。原意是真实的记录吧？用objective？ and be saved completely,没明白。完整保存放在这里什么意思？there is no nessecary to argue about the topic.Otherwise 这个连词的意思是否则，而这里似乎应该用一个表示递进的或者并列的,the SiChuan earthquake ,also in China in 2008,without the use of video,we,the whole national individuals in different peoples这个是什么意思,cannot understand the disaster visually 后面都用visually了前面就不应该用understand啊。-there is no death,no homeless and no fear,only bravery adamancy and great这句话不明白。四川地震没有死亡没有无家可归么？还是说其他地方的人没死亡，但后面又有勇敢的坚持。bravery adamancy这里似乎用的不对。great什么意思？.In one word ,the accuracy and authenticity，the camera has palyed an important role in dairly life.


the video can show his stronger function that can tell us what was happened and what the real reason was,or let us judge and think by ourselves.
what was happened
what the real reason was
这两个从句放在一起就可以发现问题了，同样的结构，Be动词位置怎么不一样？应该是What happened。 happened是不及物动词。

the Nanking Massacre,disputed about the committed atrocities by some Japanese historians
这句话主语Massare 谓语disputed 宾语atrocities 这是个主动式 后面by some historians 又成了被动式。另外，主谓之间为什么要加逗号？

for the purposes of political propaganda.
这句话，重复了。propaganda 就已经是fabricate的目的了，前面又用了for the purposes of ，不能说错，只是有点罗嗦 实际上for the purposes of politics 就可以

there is no nessecary to argue about the topic
用there is句型的话，后面应该用necessity that... there be 后面加名词
如果后面要用to argue的话，前面就应该用形式主语It is...

In one word ,the accuracy and authenticity，the camera has palyed an important role in dairly life.
这两个名词在这里做了什么成分？


Not only does the video change our life,but also the cameras are objective witness旁观者的属性就是客观，客观的旁观者，很怪。应该是客观的记录者recorder with perfect memories. video 和 camera不是一个意思，不能做同义转换 For example,everyone knows the black box,which showed why the event had happened. When we suffered from a train or air crash,the rate that another accident will be hanppen will be reduced will be 重复。另外，我们suffer了crash和事故率下降有直接关系么？这里少了论述，比如当我们suffer了，我们就知道改进了，rate 就 reduce了等。To catch the thieves,pinhole cameras are equiped用这里不对use for 啊，settle啊，是不是更合适一些 in major places such as banks,ATM machine,private houses and so on.Indeed,the video could catch the motive objects,but the written words can't.


For example,everyone knows the black box,which showed why the event had happened.
这里是一个从句套从句，why the event had happened做的是which引导的从句中 show的宾语
也就是说应该是一个名词性成分。 why不能引导名词性从句。

When we suffered from a train or air crash,the rate that another accident will be hanppen will be reduced.
前半句，we主语 suffer谓语，缺宾语。


Nothetheless,as an old form of documentation,someone need it to aggrandize and romance himself.The不用the history always beautify heros,such as Cao Cao‘surface  whose bad appearance cannot cover up his merit in the Han dynasty.主题句说历史会美化英雄，可例子和论证不能支撑主题句。A superstar or a politician control the news written in magazines and newspapers,no matter positive or negative and true or false, to improve his popularity to be more popular.improve好像不能用在这里。另外，这一段论述和主题句有什么关系？


Finally,to the extent,the records based on people's written words add dimension 什么意思？ and richness.Knowledge should spread on the book 应该是by,the law must be left 法律离开？to written documentation,and everyday everyone重复 impress ideas and  memorize daily life.Indeed,for these certain ourposes written records are more appropriate than video records.

米丽水UID: 2637300

红色：修改后的

蓝色：错词

粉色：好词

In accordance with the title statement ,the video camera can record an accurate and convincing contemporary life {and it has replaced the written records} 这句说得不准确，题目没说相机记录已经取代了文字记录，它只是说摄像记录比文字记录更重要，讨论的是前半句的accurate and convincing问你同意吗？后半句你同意吗？同意给理由，不同意给理由就好 -,which seem out-dated ,as a form of documentation of more importance .I entirely agree with the point that a video camera could provide an more precise
换词换掉accurate and objective
这是convincing的同义词life ,even something else in many a->an aspect你是不是想说相机除了生活描述准确有说服力外还有很多优点？但是这句我没有读到有这个意思，可能衔接不当 .However这句后面就要表达观点了，难道笔者不写前面的怎么个准确和说服力了？想直接过渡到文字记录的优势，还是先总体阐释同意和不同意的，然后再分开具体写同意的和不同意的？且看下文 ,the speaker overlooks the core很好 meaning->advantage会不会好些？ of the written records where the video cannot take the place->换成replace好些吧.


To demonstrate some truth of news and essential events ,the video can show its stronger function that can tell us what happened and what the real reason was ,or let us judge and think->这个词可以去掉了，judge就可以表达think的含义 by ourselves .For instance ,the Nanking->Nanjing不是像北京一样Massacre ,disputed about the committed atrocities by some Japanese historians and government officials who claim that the entire incident has been grossly exaggerated or even fabricated
用得好很到位for the purposes of political propaganda .If the video can record the whole events in reality and be saved completely ,there is no necessary to argue about the topic这个事实已经通过某些外国人的摄像机记录了下来了很多片段，这也足以说明真相，争论只是日本人的一厢情愿，所以这句再斟酌斟酌，要么考虑换个例子 .Otherwise->这个词显然不能做两个大句子的转折，我知道笔者要讲的是有摄像机记录的优势，跟上文南京大屠杀没有录像记录做比较，用这个词不准确,考虑on the contrary ,the SiChuan earthquake ,also in China in 2008->这个解释有点衔接不紧,without the use of video->没有用相机，这是陈述，不是假设，实际上用相机记录了 ,we ,the whole national individuals in different peoples这个句子表达的是全国各族人民吗？怎么觉得怪怪的？ ,cannot understand the disaster visually->视觉上？视觉上理解？如果没有亲眼看到就很难理解，这句是这样表达吗？-there is no death ,no homeless and no fear ,only bravery adamancy and bigness->换词greatness是不是更好？big多是体积大
.In one word ,in the accuracy and authenticity换词好，the camera has played an important role in daily life.

这段举了两个例子证明相机的优势，南京大屠杀因为没有完整的摄像记录所以争议很多（即使有完整的记录未必不争议），汶川地震因为有完整的记录所以更震撼人心，使民众团结。Accurate and convincing这两个例子的表达再推敲推敲。


Not only does the video change->changes our life ,but also the cameras are objective witnesses with perfect memories .For example ,everyone knows the black box ,which showed why the event had happened这句用现在时好些，黑匣子显示这个动作是现在也能做的 .{When we suffered from}->当我们承受来自灾祸的痛苦时，这句是不是应该说当推断空难或什么难发生的概率时较好些呢？ a train or air crash->train crash有吗？好像crash只能照顾air ,the rate ->概率可不是用这个词，rate比率速率that another same accident will happen will be reduced after the black box is found .To catch the thieves ,pinhole cameras are equipped in major places such as banks ,ATM machines, private houses and so on .->下面说说针孔相机是如何罪犯的，以防止没见过相机的人读了会不懂的。Indeed, the video could catch the motive objects, but the written words can't.最后一句，相机能扑捉运动物体，而文字记录不能，能作为前面的总结吗？前面主要提到的是objective，这和相机能拍摄动态画面有什么联系？逻辑跳跃

Nevertheless, {as an old form of documentation, someone needs it->这个it指代谁？我知道是written records，但是词呢？如果没有，那么很多人将理解:有人作为一种重要的记录手段了} to aggrandize and romance himself->这个夸大不是有人想自夸，而是后人夸 .The history always beautify->beautifies heroes, such as Cao Cao  whose bad appearance cannot cover up his merit in the Han dynasty历史总是美化英雄，像曹操，外表丑也难掩其锋芒，这句读了怎么这么不顺？如果历史想美化英雄，那么历史应该把英雄写得比实际帅一点，才能呢更是不可斗量型的这样才是美化，举个其他的例子比如张飞，其实张飞有那么神吗？未必，只是为了塑造形象体现他某个特征以飨人类达不到的特征 .A superstar or a politician control the medias->media written in magazines and newspapers明星和政治家在报纸和杂志上对某些秘闻歪曲来提高知名度这句怎么我读的是明星和政治家控制写在报纸杂志上的媒体？medias这个词应是单数media ,no matter positive or negative and true or false, to improve his->their popularity.


Finally ,to the extent ,the records based on people's written words add dimension and richness->用词不当，多维感即想象力和丰富用得不准确，而且add到哪里的特点 .Knowledge should spread on->through books-> 知识应该通过书本传播？是吗？网络不好吗？知识可以多途径传播，你这句就否认了摄像传播的意义, the law must be left to written documentation法律应该以文书形式定下来，left用得不当 ,and everyday everyone impress->impresses ideas
这个短语不懂，什么叫使想法印象深刻？是不是要表达记录一些印象深刻的想法？ and memorize->memorizes daily life through the diary. Indeed, for these certain purposes- >文字记录合适的原因就这么多吗？, written records are more appropriate than video records.
从段首，我以为笔者要将他所认为的dimension and richness，可惜下文讲的确是很多现在仍用文字记录的例子。如果要讲例子存在，却没有深究为什么这些记录仍然能够存在的原因。

In sum, the speaker's conclusion overstates用得好 the importance of video records . To some extent, at least, the video can provide us some accurate and objective reality and take advantages in accidents. However, when the special use is needed, or the process should be richness and full of fantasy, the written records are indispensable用得好.整个总结我觉得没有哪个更好甚至能代替另一个的，文中作者也主要肯定了摄像的优点，在其不足之处用文字记录的优点来弥补，所以结论应该是同等重要，平分秋色吧。但是读到最后一段我没有这种感觉，感觉笔者提到摄像的优点时转而提到文字记录的优点，however一用就使整个观点倾斜。

结构上，作者先是第一段理解了题目，然后亮明自己的观点，肯定的和否定的一起亮出。

然后两段写肯定的相机优势，一个就是说明真相，正反例；一个是见证（但我感觉这个和真相是同源的）我觉得可以放在一个里面写，写accurate and convincing一个写汶川地震的震撼团结民心或者写南京大屠杀留下的摄像资料让我们更清楚历史；另一个写空难和记录日常犯罪。

再分两段写文字记录，摄像记录不能弥补的缺憾即发挥人们的想象力，美化历史人物，增加艺术感，使人物形象丰富等还有人们的习惯使文字记录长存等等，后面一段没有写好。

总结有点不能准确概括前面的。

用词变化很赞。结构赞。