0910AW 同主题写作第五期 ARGUMENT65 by bloodbob

bloodbobUID: 2627007

TOPIC: ARGUMENT65 - The following appeared in a memo from the president of a chain of cheese stores located throughout the United States.

"For many years all the stores in our chain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses. Last year, however, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. Since our company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory, the best way to improve profits in all of our stores is to discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses."

Based on the data on top 5 cheese collected by the chain store and a survey issued by Cheesed of World magazine, the proposer unsafely forms the biased impression that Domestic Cheeses outwit imported ones in profit and thus jumps to the conclusion that ceasing to storing imported cheese will assure more profits for the cheese stores. After take into account of the following reasons, the proposal appears to be unviable.

To substantiate his arguing, the author attempt to convince us by offering the evidence that domestic cheeses ranked top 5 in the survey. However, the limited range of survey undermines the credibility of the survey. Admittedly, the domestic cheeses flatten the imported ones in the newest stores. How about the outcome in the old stores? Provided that all the newest stores are located in the regions that have been just developed, where the local people have little ideas about the imported ones, it is too hasty to claim that they have no interest in trying them. Also, best-seller is by no means the most profitable one. It is a common practice for the newly opened store to name certain on sale products to promote the selling. The author didn’t rule out the possibility of the business deed of earning the reputation at the cost of temporary profits.

The author also cites the result of the survey conducted by Cheese of the World magazine that more people favor the domestic cheeses. Nevertheless, if we take a close look at it, such survey is definitely arguable. The subscribers, whose tastes differ a lot from the buyers, are not qualified to be raised as the representatives to give the responses. Magazines target the people sensitive to fashion, while cheeses don't.

Finally, supposing all the two survey mentioned above truly reflect the present situation in the cheese selling, it's random to render the imported cheeses unprofitable. What if the imported cheese's selling, though second to the domestic ones, still goes well on the daily basis? If so, to cut away the stock of imported cheeses is equivalent to ignoring the gold lode at hand.

In summary, the author seems to go too far in giving a grim look on the prospect of the imported cheeses.
The data of five best-selling cheeses as well as the survey on cheese preference make no sense in validate the abandon of the stock of imported cheese. To lower the risk of undesirable lost, the store president ought to conduct a more detailed survey nationwide on the people's preference and the comment on the two kinds of cheese.

余霞成绮UID: 2620031

"For many years all the stores in our chain have stocked a wide variety of both domestic and imported cheeses. Last year, however, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin. Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine indicates an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. Since our company can reduce expenses by limiting inventory, the best way to improve profits in all of our stores is to discontinue stocking many of our varieties of imported cheese and concentrate primarily on domestic cheeses."

Based on the data on top 5 cheese collected by the chain store(加s)and a(我觉得应该改成the) survey issued by Cheesed of World magazine, the proposer unsafely forms the biased impression that Domestic Cheeses outwit imported ones in profit and thus jumps to the conclusion that ceasing to storing imported cheese will assure more profits for the cheese stores. After take into account of the following reasons, the proposal appears to be unviable.
To substantiate his arguing, the author attempt to convince us by offering the evidence that domestic cheeses ranked top 5 in the survey. However, the limited range of survey undermines the credibility of the survey. Admittedly, the domestic cheeses flatten the imported ones in the newest stores. How about the outcome in the old stores? Provided that all the newest stores are located in the regions that have been just developed, where the local people have little ideas about the imported ones, it is too hasty to claim that they have no interest in trying them. Also(没见过ALSO开头然后逗号的，连接词用的不流畅。建议改In addition等等~), best-seller is by no means the most profitable one. It is a common practice for the newly opened store to name certain on sale products to promote the selling. The author didn’t（通篇的时态都是现在时，这里为何为过去式？） rule out the possibility of the business deed of earning the reputation at the cost of temporary profits.

（段与段之间的没有做到联系紧密，像是3个孤立的论证）The author also cites the result of the survey conducted by Cheese of the World magazine that more people favor the domestic cheeses. Nevertheless, if we take a close look at it, such survey is definitely arguable. The subscribers, whose tastes differ a lot from the buyers, are not qualified to be raised as the representatives to give the responses. Magazines target the people sensitive to fashion, while cheeses don't.

Finally, supposing all the two survey（逻辑漏洞很大，本文就只有一个survey，哪来2个？Last year, however, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin.这是一个fact，不是survey. Fact是不能被攻击的，OK？但是fact背后的假设可以进行攻击~所以其实你前两段并不是在说一个问题，而粗略扫过发现都是在攻击survey，以为你在攻击一个方面。） mentioned above truly reflect the present situation in the cheese selling, it's random to render the imported cheeses unprofitable. What if the imported cheese's selling, though second to the domestic ones, still goes well on the daily basis?（这种省略句不是很书面化，慎用） If so, to cut away the stock of imported cheeses is equivalent to ignoring the gold lode at hand. （此段的攻击太弱了，本文的攻击点很多，你的攻击太薄弱，需要加强~）

In summary, the author seems to go too far in giving a grim look on the prospect of the imported cheeses.
The data of five best-selling cheeses as well as the survey on cheese preference make no sense in validate the abandon of the stock of imported cheese. To lower the risk of undesirable lost, the store president ought to conduct a more detailed survey nationwide on the people's preference and the comment on the two kinds of cheese.（结尾的总结太仓促，显得好像本文survey是本文最大的FLAW，其实不然）

本文有如下几个不足之处：
1.
本文尽量做到用词多样化。但是仅仅局限于on top 5和five best-selling等等，事实上并没有体现出来有什么多样化。
2.
有一些句子有一些结构的小问题，还有一些小语法错误。单词没有拼写错误，赞
3.
连词用的不太好，段间结合不紧密
4.
出现了严重的时态错误
5.
flaw找的太少，没有攻击力，强度太低

基本上就是如此，由于本人水平有限，初次评文，若有不足，请多指教~

bloodbobUID: 2627007

接受！接受！才发现自己错误这么多！互评真好！谢谢小余:victory: