Daily Writing——阿叶の作文帖 求批改 大家尽情拍砖吧~~~

阿叶UID: 3145578

8月10日
20100320NA 有些人觉得他们可以靠自己或者家人的帮助，解决important problems.因此，人们不需要政府的帮助。

Composition:
When faced with the decision of being helped by yourself and your family members or being helped by the government when you have to face an important problems, quite a few would claim that being helped by himself is better, but others, in contrast, deem being helped by the government as the premier choice and that is also my point. This quite different view is based on the propensity of following points.
We may look into every possible reason, however, fore most reason for being helped by the government is a more sensitible choice than helped by yourself and your family members . For example, someone was sick.We all know that it spends a large amount money to see a doctor, even some kinds of indispositiones, to say nothing of some serious diseases like cancer ,heart disease etc. A man was badly injured in a car accident , and the criminal has run away. When he was sent to the hospital, the doctor told him and his family they have to pay $800 for the deposit, but they were so poor that they hadn’t so much money and they don’t know what to do with this dilemma.The worst result is that he was died of not being treated in appropriate time for his family can’t get so much money.
If it has happened,it’s really a sad story.No one would like to see it.Let us suppose another story.A man was adly injured in a car accident , and the criminal has run away. When he was sent to the hospital, the doctor told him and his family they have to pay $800 for the deposit, but they hadn’t so much money.Just at the moment, the insurance staff appeared and they were told that at the beginning of the year, the government has covered medical insurance,so they needn’t worry about the cost. It ‘s really a good news.What a happy ending !
However, people who accept the help from the government needn’t to be thankful.It is common knowledge that most of the government’s income comes from the tax which common people like us hand in.Everyday we buy things, work even drive cars so that different kinds of taxes are handed in.That is to say, the money which the government used to help us actually belongs to us.So everytime you accept the help from the government, you should aware that accepting its help is your entitlement ,you needn’t to be thankful.
In a word, being helped by the government is not only spare your trouble but also it is the duty of the government to do you a favour .Taking into account of all these factors, we may reach the conclusion that we should choose being helped by the government when you are in trouble.


我自己觉得写得挺没文采的。。。大家凑合着看吧，尽情地改错、拍砖吧~~~

paooozhixia163UID: 2588527

托福不追求文不文采，只要结构清晰，论点明确，论点论证得当，最后才是语言的要求。
最好使用三段式的结构，最好再每段开头都直接给出你的论点，再后面围绕论点加以论证，这才是合格的论证手法。

阿叶UID: 3145578

2# paooozhixia163   刚开始练写作，很多时候写东西纯属自由发挥，谢谢LS的建议，很受用~~~

lyn7981UID: 2758158

When faced with the decision of being helped by yourself and your family members or being helped by the government when you have to face an【删】 important problems, quite a few would claim that being helped by himself is better, but others, in contrast, deem being helped by the government as the premier choice and that is also my point. This quite different view is based on the propensity of following points. （尽量不要用太长的句子，楼主应该是G的后遗症吧，嘿嘿）

! v) o! `$ Y4 h/ e# a, u5 o; M
We may look into every possible reason, however, fore most reason for being helped by the government is a more sensitible【sensible】 choice than helped by yourself and your family members . For example, someone was sick.We all know that it spends a large amount money to see a doctor, even some kinds of indispositiones【indispositions】, to say nothing of some serious diseases like cancer ,heart disease etc. A man was badly injured in a car accident , and the criminal has run away. When he was sent to the hospital, the doctor told him and his family they have to pay $800 for the deposit, but they were so poor that they hadn’t so much money and they don’t know what to do with this dilemma.The worst result is that he was died of not being treated in appropriate time for his family can’t get so much money（感觉例子不够给力啊，楼主）.# l1 r9 y5 G& ]4 L

If it has happened,it’s really a sad story.No one would like to see it.Let us suppose【很好的小词】 another story.A man was adly【badly？】 injured in a car accident , and the criminal has run away. When he was sent to the hospital, the doctor told him and his family they have to pay $800 for the deposit, but they hadn’t so much money.Just at the moment, the insurance staff appeared and they were told that at the beginning of the year, the government has covered medical insurance,so they needn’t worry about the cost. It ‘s really a good news.What a happy ending !; w w: ], k% `8 v

However, people who accept the help from the government needn’t to be thankful.It is common knowledge that most of the government’s income comes from the tax which common people like us hand in.Everyday we buy things, work even drive cars so that different kinds of taxes are handed in.That is to say, the money which the government used to help us actually belongs to us.So everytime【every time】 you accept the help from the government, you should aware that accepting its help is your entitlement ,you needn’t to be thankful.% i P/ `+ I, j" H5 O
In a word, being helped by the government is not only spare your trouble but also it is the duty of the government to do you a favour .Taking into account of all these factors, we may reach the conclusion that we should choose being helped by the government when you are in trouble.! A8 f0 |5 A P0 M8 c

很欣赏楼主的“suppose a situation and reason it"的说理方法，虽然故事很短，但看得出楼主的语言能力很不错，希望能略微减少一些长句which might be stronly recommended in GREtest, but not so popular in TOEFLtest. 以上都是个人建议，有不足之处请指正。【Annie】

阿叶UID: 3145578

4# lyn7981

谢谢LS！！！我自己也觉得写长句不是很好，但是，写着写着就会这样了。。。算是一个不小的问题。。。我第一次参加这个小组，看到你改的这么认真，超感动的。。。
（P.S. 我没考过G。。。这论坛里都是先G后T的牛人我经常超自卑的。。。）

阿叶UID: 3145578

8.11 综合

lyn7981UID: 2758158

8.11 Annie's 修改稿

阿叶UID: 3145578

7# lyn7981 谢谢！！！昨天是我第一次写综合，晕晕乎乎的，一开始都不好意思发，OG我今天才拿到手。。。不过Annie你真的评的超认真诶！！！看到了，我今天独立大概来不及了，你的我会帮你改好的，谢谢！

carol0607UID: 3022610

综合

sorr  晚了

carol0607UID: 3022610

综合

season08UID: 2667789

你的11号的独立木有写？我应该给你改那篇文章的恩~~~~~~~~~

阿叶UID: 3145578

11# season08 不小心删掉了，= =，算了，最近很忙，懒得写了.偷一次懒，不要pia我啊~~~

阿叶UID: 3145578

9.3 独立 强势回归~~~

宁夏zoeUID: 2847514

改好了

阿叶UID: 3145578

作文来了~