12.22独立写作

shiwei83UID: 2680950

Nowadays, people using telephone and television almost everyday, but seldom does people thinking which one have more effects on us. In my opinion, I think television can have more influence on our daily lives than telephone do, because due to the factors of television, it bring many change in our lives.
For one thing, television bring a revolutionary impact to human’s cognitive style. No communication system has ever provided so many people with as wide a range of new experience as television has. Television keeps one better informed about current affairs, allows one to follow the latest developments in politics and science, and offers a great programs which are both instructive and stimulating. The most distant countries, the strangest customs and the most attractive scenes of nature are brought right into one’s room or household. Compared to print media, such as newspaper and magazine, television improve the broadness and depth of human’s thinking greatly.
For another, television changes human’s entertainment method. Throughout the world, watching television is one of the most time-consuming leisure activities among adults. It frequently takes time away from other activities, such as reading, conversation, social gathering, and exercise. In fact, the average American adult watches up to five hours of television a day, according to a recent Nelson study. which bring many negative consequence to human society, such as decline in reading, isolating between family members, and the global rise of childhood obesity and physical inactivity.

Last but not least, television also bring some negative influence on our society. The wide availability of channels that bring hours of violent, pornographic, or horror-themed images into the home has had a huge influence on children. The large-scale National Television Violence Study conducted by American academics claims that TV violence should be held responsible for the rising rate of juvenile crime.
All in all, I believe it is generally television can have more influence on our daily lives than telephone do due to the above aspects I have mentioned.

nwu-uwoUID: 2672434

Nowadays, people using(为什么用ing很难理解？是独立主格，那跟后句的也不搭，如果是现在进行时，没必要，用一般现在时态就好了) telephone and television almost everyday, but seldom （倒装的句子主谓是必须一致的，这里部分倒装主语是people,这个集合名词谓语是复数形式 do.）does people thinking(同样的问题) which one（去掉one,） have(主谓不一致) more effects （意思模糊，中式英语，换个具体的词）on us. In my opinion, I think television can have（中式表达，？？？） more influence on(?in) our （语言不要累赘，去掉our）daily lives(daily life) than telephone do(主谓不一致), because due to（完全错误的表达，because是连词表达原因 due to是介词短语，也是由于的意思，这个词堆叠在一起，成何体统？）the factors of television, it bring（主谓不一致） many change（复数形式） in our lives.
' k& G* I7 N/ w; l# S8 ~For one thing, television bring（主谓不一致） a revolutionary impact（中式表达痕迹太深，） to human’s cognitive style. No communication system has ever provided so many people with as wide a range of new experience as television has. Television keeps one better informed about current affairs（这个表达有问题，with后面的这个结构有点怪，as… as…吗？表达的意思很模糊）, allows （前后时态的问题，主语的省略？？？）one（这不是什么好词） to follow（表达很不准确，有好多词啊，eg, keep pace with, catch/keep up with） the latest developments in politics（？？） and science(科技), and offers a （去掉a）great(这个词很大很模糊) programs which are both （去掉both）instructive and stimulating. The most distant countries, the strangest customs and the most attractive scenes of nature are brought right into one’s room or household（表达问题太大了）. Compared to（with） print media, such as newspaper and magazine, television improve(主谓问题) the broadness and depth of human’s thinking greatly.
8 G! c1 s' [5 I1 ~For another（？？？for another thing）, television changes human’s(??human beings’) entertainment method(中国式英语). Throughout the world, watching television is one of the most time-consuming leisure activities among adults. It frequently takes time away from other activities（意思太模糊）, such as reading, conversation, social gathering, and exercise. In fact, the average American adult watches（watch TV for five hours） up to five hours of television a day, according to a recent Nelson study.(,) which bring many negative consequence to human society(这个非限制定语从句没有道理，which是什么？), such as decline in reading（中式表达）, isolating between family members（？？）, and the global rise of childhood obesity and physical inactivity（？？？？）. , z6 d! O9 A+ J' A5 ]( D
# h9 p# U) y, ]3 r9 t
Last but not least, television also bring（？？） some negative influence（s） on our society. The wide availability（这个词太大了） of channels that bring hours of violent(语言规则，词性的问题), pornographic, or horror-themed images into the（？冠词不是乱用的） home has had a huge influence on children. The large-scale National Television Violence Study（此处加个逗号，） conducted by American academics（此处加个逗号，这样的话就是你这篇文章中含金量最高的一个句子了） claims that TV violence should be held responsible（此处应是名词） for the rising rate of juvenile crime. ! M% M+ S: p9 N- _% m
All in all, I believe it is generally（词性问题） television can have more influence on our daily lives（？） than telephone do（？？） due to the above aspects I have mentioned.
你的作文存在问题如下：
首先，语法知识太匮乏，语言没有规则，这是亟待加强的。
其次，句式结构单一，从句结构模糊混乱，缺乏高级词汇和复杂长句。
再次，中式英文表达太严重了，最好不要杜撰。
最后，文章结构有问题，论证不严谨，论点不鲜明，论据表达不清楚，多看些范文，读写不分家，不知你的阅读水平如何。
看完你文章的感觉你还有很大的提升空间，要走的路挺长的，努力吧！加油！(可能我说话有点直，敬请见谅!)
1# shiwei83

shiwei83UID: 2680950

谢谢你的中肯评价，我也觉得我的写作问题很多，一直想努力提高，但却无法把握方向。今天看了你的评价，受益匪浅，看来不下一番苦功夫是不行的。以后还请你多多指教，再次表示感谢！