【黛二】12月22日 独立写作 求改

还我用户名UID: 2733880

[07机经] 2007.7.21机经
the modern life is more and more complex,it is essential for young people to have the ability to plan and organize.

Asmodern life becoming more and more complex and fast-step, people are attemptingto seek for shortcut to achieve their goal. In various kinds of abilities whichare employed by people to handle their day-to-day life, I am inclined to saythat the ability of planning and organization plays an essential part.

First,the ability of arranging our daily life makes it possible for us to faceproblems in unhurried steps, completing the affairs punctually and perfectly. Withoutplanning and organizing, it’s easily lost the sense of urgency, resulting in laxationand delaying. My litter brother, a freshman in university, regarded plans asnegligible matter in his first term and piled up all of his homework to thefinal weeks. Since he handed in most of his papers after deadline, he wasflunked in 3 majors, which taught him a good lesson. To say that being a methodical person with ability toarrange and organize is vital for young people does not seem to be anoverstatement.

Second,not only can the ability of planning and organizing spare time, but it also cansave energy for us. Yang Yuan, the one who won the first prize in NationalEnglish Speech Competition in 2004, is the typical example who can back theview above. Her success can be contributed to her good plan for learningEnglish. Ebbinghaus’ learning curve is employed in her plan so that she canstudy more efficiently and effectively. For the people in office, terrific planalso benefits them greatly, since it helps to distinguish the importance of diverseaffairs so that the significant affairs can be concentrated on, and trifles won’tbe paid on much vigor and time. So to speak, a scientific plan plays a crucialpart in academic and office life.

Todraw a fair picture, I’m going to point out that we need not only theorganization ability but also some other qualities in the road leads tosuccess, such as honesty, faithfulness and good manners. However, bycontrasting the pros and cons, I hold that the ability to plan and organize oughtto be emphasized strongly.

Asconclusion, I will restate my view that I agree with the assertion that the capabilityof planning and organizing is fundamental for us who is in the drasticatmosphere of competition.

mpromanusUID: 2565872

As modern life becomes more and more complex and fast-step ('faster in pace'. Don't use a fancy but wrong word if you're not sure of your vocabulary. Instead, use something that's simple, probably slightly longer, yet correct in grammar.), people are attempting to seek for shortcuts to achieve their goals (The comparative expression in the first clause - 'more and more...' - is confusing because this clause is a general description, not a comparison. I don't see why you have used a comparative expression in the first clause. Also I can't see the logical relationship between the two clauses either. The link here, as I see it, is that people want shortcuts so their complex lives would be easier to cope with.) In Among the various kinds of abilities which are employed by people to handle their day-to-day life, I am inclined to say that the ability of planning and organization plays an essential part.

First, the ability of arranging our daily life makes it possible for us (The use of 'make' in a passive sense and gerunds will often make a sentence very hard to read. Use active verbs as much possible, e.g. 'to arrange', 'enables us'.) to face problems in unhurried steps, completing the affairs (This word often comes with a slightly negative tone, as in 'extra-marital affairs', so avoid using it to refer to normal daily businesses.) punctually and perfectly. Without planning and or organizing, it’s easily lost the sense of urgency (I'm not sure what's in your mind about this, but this looks like two sentences wrongly glued into one. Are you trying to say 'it's easy to lose the sense of urgency'?), resulting in laxation and delaying. My litter brother, a freshman in university, regarded plans as negligible matter in his first term and piled up all of his homework to for the final weeks. Since he handed in most of his papers after deadlines, he was flunked in 3 majors, which taught him a good lesson. (Nice example.) To say that being a methodical person with the ability to arrange and organize is vital for young people does not seem to be an overstatement.

Second, not only can the ability of planning and organizing spare (Do you mean 'save'?) time, but it also cansave energy for us. Yang Yuan, the one who won the first prize in National English Speech Competition (Of which country?) in 2004, is the typical example who can to back the view above. Her success can be attributed to her good plan for learning English. Ebbinghaus’ learning curve is employed (Ebbinghaus' curve is not a device to aid study. It's a theory that explains a particular feature about the process of knowledge acquisition. The acutal benefit to study comes from understanding this theory and applying it.) in her plan so that she can study more efficiently and effectively. For the people in office (Do you think 办公室里的人 is actually a correct phrase for 'office workers', even in Chinese? Yes, we all know what it means, but that doesn't mean it's grammatically okay.), terrific (This is a very casual word. Unless you're trying to establish a style, avoid such words.) planning also benefits them greatly, since it helps to distinguish the importance (You can't 'distinguish importance' of different things. This is such an obvious direct translation from Chinese. If you must use 'importantce', you'd more likely 'rank the importantce' of things, but I'd rather just use 'prioritize tasks'.)of diverse affairs so that the more significant affairs can be concentrated on, and trifles won’t be paid on much vigor and time (If you must use 'pay', you can only 'pay attention'). So to speak, a scientific (What does 'scientific' suddenly has to do with planning?) plan plays a crucial part in academic and office life.

To draw a fair picture, I’m going to point out that we need not only the organization ability, but also some other qualities in the road leading to success, such as honesty, faithfulness and good manners (It's better to move these closer to 'some other qualities'. Plus, these are characteristics, not abilities, so I don't find them comparable with 'organize and plan' at all.). However, by contrasting the pros and cons (Pray tell me where in the essay you did this.) , I hold that the ability to plan and organize ought to be emphasized strongly.* T. o% b- q0 r5 l7 d

As a conclusion, I will restate my view that I agree with the assertion that the capability of planning and organizing (Again, gerunds are absolutely not necessary here.) is fundamental for us who is are in the a drastic atmosphere of competition (Where did you talk about this 'drastic atmosphere of competition' in the essay?).

总结：

You actually started off pretty well on the right direction, but lost your cool in the middle of the 3rd paragraph.

语法：句法有很多处累赘拗口，需要注意可读性，参见灰色字标。单复数和冠词的使用要稍微小心一点。
词汇：词汇量很好但正确有效的使用率不高。有些地方完全是中式翻译的请注意。
逻辑：题目特别指出young people，所以需要在论述的时候注意照顾这一点。倒数第二段的用意很好，但是逻辑完全没有说服力。总结段注意不要提出新论点。