独立作文，求改之~~谢~

屋顶的眼睛UID: 2730078

Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible.

Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these

situations do you think is better? Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

Independence, as one of the basic rights of people, means someone has the freedom to choose whatever he or she likes. Anyone, when at his or her twenties, has the right of being independent. However, nowadays, it appears the tendency that more and more young adults prefer living with their families to being independent. They try to get rid of the pressure and competition of stepping into the society by hiding behind their parents. It is what just called “refuse to grow up”. From my point of view, I don’t think it’s a wise choice for those young adults, who still refuse to face what they should. As adults, though young, the preference of independence from their parents as soon as possible should be understood and encouraged, which can not only benefit themselves, but also their relatives and the society.

For the young adults, who have reached their legal age to be independent, it does a great deal of good to them to undertake this kind of right as soon as possible. Firstly, it reflects their sense of aggressive and responsible. You know, the young are always eager to do something big to show their talent and make the families take pride of them. Meanwhile, it stimulates their intelligence and energy. Living without parents, these adults won’t always turn to the parents the moment they are in trouble, but force themselves to solve problems. In this way, their capabilities are gained naturally.

Also, their choice of independence gives convenience to the parents. Take my parents for example, it is not until I moved from home that they really have their own time. Now, they wake up early in the morning to take exercise in the park nearby. After the breakfast, they gather with some old friends to chat, to play chess or have a walk upstairs. And then, do some reading or watch TV in the afternoon. The most important is that they can sleep early without worrying the noise I make. What’s more, I lighten their burden of supporting me. They feel at ease now and really enjoy the peaceful life after I move out and become independent.

Besides, the young adults are the labors of high quality for the society. As long as more young adults prefer independence, there will be more new energy injected into the society. It is the first step for the young to stop relaying on the families. This behavior makes it possible that the young adults devote their talent and passion to the development of technology and science.

View from above aspects, it is clear that the young adults wanting independence as soon as possible will bring about varied kinds of benefits. Whatever for the young adults themselves or for their parents and the society, I believe, those who prefer independence should be encouraged,

mpromanusUID: 2565872

Independence, as one of the basic rights of people, means that someone has the freedom to choose whatever he or she likes. (Judging from the way this question is phrased, the 'independence' you're expected to discuss is the independence from parents/families - that children will become socially and financially responsible adults and leave their families to live on their own. It's not about the freedom of choice.) Anyone, when at his or her twenties, has the right (FYI: I'm not exactly sure what you think 'right' means..this term often means a choice that is legally protected and/or enforced. But 'being independent' is more of a personal choice rather than a legal one for the young.) of being independent . However, nowadays, it appears the tendency that more and more young adults prefer living with their families to being independent. They try to get rid of the pressure and competition of stepping into the society by hiding behind their parents (This is not necessarily a fact, but a judgement based on the action of 'living with families' itself. Avoid giving such absolute, straight conclusions in the opening paragraph when you haven't established any argument. Keep to the descriptive side. Keep conclusions to a minimum.). It is what is just called “refuse to grow up”. From my point of view, I don’t think it’s a wise choice for those young adults, who still refuse to face what they should (Again, you're already making conclusions about the young adults who live with families. At the very least, you should take a safer step back by saying that you think their reason for living with families is such and such, instead of making such an absolute qualification on them.). As adults, though young, the preference of independence from their parents as soon as possible should be understood and encouraged, which can not only benefit themselves, but also their relatives and the society. (The question in discussion is which choice is BETTER. Whether any of these choices should be encouraged or not is an implication of the choice's quality. You need to stay on the question. Do not jump through the logic and miss the topic.)

For the young adults, who have reached their legal age to be independent, it does a great deal of good to them to undertake this kind of right as soon as possible. Firstly, it reflects their sense of aggressiveness ('Aggressive' usually has a negative tone in the sense of 'being inclined to attack others', often violently. I'm not sure if it's really what you want to express.) and responsibility. You know (This is too casual for a formal essay.), the young are always eager to do something big to show their talents and make the families take pride of them. Meanwhile, it (What?) stimulates their intelligence and energy. Living without parents, these adults won’t always turn to the parents the moment they are in trouble, but force themselves to solve problems. In this way, their capabilities are gained naturally. (Each sentence in this paragraph seems to be talking about a different idea, and I can't see how they are connected or related to each other. Therefore readers have no clue if there's any central idea to focus on. They'll start to guess whether each of these sentences is actually trying to illustrate one good of the 'great deal of good' you mentioned in the very first sentence. Yes, you orobably intend to express this, but because your ideas are not closely knit together, the first sentence gradually loses its governance over sentences that are further away from it. Therefore you need to keep the focal point clear throughout a paragraph. The least you can do is that if you start using 'firstly', then please continue the numbering.)

Also, their (Whose?) choice of independence gives convenience to the parents. Take my parents for example: it is not until I moved away from home that they really started to have their own time. Now, they wake up early in the morning to take exercise in the park nearby. After the breakfast, they gather with some old friends to chat, to play chess or have a walk upstairs (Americans, in generally, have no idea of 爬楼梯 as a necessity - because many of them live in houses where stairs is just a divider between the living room and the bedrooms. Walking upstairs, to them, is an indoor activity that's almost not worth mentioning.). And then, they do some reading or watch TV in the afternoon. The most important is that they can sleep early without worrying about the noises I make. What’s more, I lighten their burden of supporting me. They feel at ease now and really enjoy the peaceful life after I move out and become independent. (This is a better paragraph because you go back to the topic sentence and relate the whole example back to the question at the end of the paragraph. Readers then know where the focus of this paragraph is.)

Besides, the young adults are the labors of high quality for the society? (I thought you meant 'elites', but not every yound adult must be a 'high-quality laborer', yes?). As long as more young adults prefer independence, there will be more new energy injected into the society (The logic here is absurd. Living with families doesn't necessarily mean cutting off from the society.). It is the first step for the young to stop relaying on the families. This behavior makes it possible that the young adults devote their talents and passion to the development of technology and science. (And not the arts or politics, as if those aren't parts of 'the society'? I have the strange feeling that you aren't really sure what you're talking about here.)

Viewing from above the aspects above, it is clear that the young adults wanting independence as soon as possible will bring about various kinds of benefits, Whatever whether for the young adults themselves or for their parents and the society. (Yes, it's good, but the question is about which one is BETTER. Some kind of comparison needs to be in your essay.) I believe, those who prefer independence should be encouraged. (You didn't discuss this in the essay, so might as well scrap this point. As said in the comments for the first paragraph, the encouragement thing is only an implication of the benefits, and is secondary in terms of relevance to the question.)

总结：

语法和词汇方面问题不是很大，要注意一下定冠词的使用，和中式语法的表达。。

逻辑方面一个是如第二段中所指出的，整个段落的句子之间的逻辑要紧凑，不然你写了论点却不能让人看出你的论证是在讲这个论点。。第二个就是第一段中指出的，在没有论述之前，最好避免给反方定性 - 你可以说他们怎么不好，但最好描述一下他们具体做的事情/想法，让步一点说是你觉得他们这样那样不好。又不描述论据又完全不让步的情况下直接给反方下负面结论，尤其是在开头段，是很容易激起负面情绪的。。尤其这个题目本身还是比较性的，你最终要说明的是A>B，光说A好不说B是没有足够说服力的，而且你这样子上来就一棒子把反方打死了那你全篇基本就更不是用比较的态度在写了。。=.=