2。5 大作文

yuminjiaUID: 2659628

2.5 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? For future career success, is relate well to other people more important than studying hard at school?

As an old saying that the success of a prodigy should be owed to ninety-nine percent of hardworking and only one percent of individual's intelligence and helping from outside. Therefore, I agree with the statement that future career success is more related to studying hard at school than the helping of others.

To begin with, it is indisputable that we could cultivate a good learning skill by hardworking at school. Take tycoon Li Jiachen, the successful businessman in Hong Kong, for example. In one of his interview, he said that he contributed his success to the effort he paid off at school. It was at school that he learned how to think independently. In his spare time at school, he spent all his time in reading the economic essays he was interested in. Because of his hardworking, he gained a trainee opportunity in the investment bank as a good threshold, thus leading he to he great success in his career. From this case, it is obvious that hardworking at school is an indispensable factor for a successful businessman.

Furthermore, it is our school that taught us sorts of basic academic knowledge. Hence, it is undoubted that the career success needs such knowledge which should be attained by hardworking at school. Take a successful woman Yanlan in China for another instance. When she studied abroad in Columbia University, she wanted to learn the professional knowledge on mass communication and media. It is the academic courses in Columbia University that help her built her own media company in her career. In Columbia University, she also concentrated in studying rather than went out of campus to view the scenery in New York. Without hardworking, she couldn't be an outstanding graduator and master sophistic skill in mass communication field. So, she believes that the opportunity is only prepared for the person who is hardworking and skillful.

Finally, we had to admit that the helping from others also will have positive impact on our success. However, the virtues of helping from others couldn't preponderate the benefit brought by hardworking at school. There’s a vivid case. While hunting a job, a person has a recommendation from a famous professor will have competitive edge when compared with a normal person. But comparing with a hardworking person, he would still be less competitive to win the success.

Judging from what I mentioned above, the hardworking spirit cultivated at school and basic academic knowledge taught by professors are essential factors for people to win success. Those factors play a more superior role than the factor of gaining help from others.

miggerUID: 2276392

As an old saying （加goes），the success of a prodigy should be owed to ninety-nine percent of hardworking and only one percent of individual's intelligence and helping from outside（用external 或outside help 是否更简单些）. (谚语在这使用的太妙了，画龙点睛，点出主旨。) Therefore, I agree with the statement that future career success is more related to studying hard at school than the helping of （用from） others.

To begin with, it is indisputable that we could cultivate a good learning skill by hardworking at school. Take tycoon Li Jiachen, the successful businessman in Hong Kong, for example. In one of his interview, he said that he contributed his success to the effort he paid off(off 是否应该去掉？paid off似乎是不及物的。) at school. It was at school that he learned how to think independently. In his spare time at school, he spent all his time（与上文spare time有点重复，直接写he spent all his spare time） in reading the (the 去掉，似乎并没有特指)economic essays he was interested in. Because of his hardworking, he gained a trainee opportunity in the investment bank as a good threshold, thus leading he(him) to he great success in his career（有点奇怪，改成he gained an opportunity to be an trainee in the investment bank 这里加上银行名称，毕竟是特指and receive rigor professional training there, which helps him to cross the threshold and lead to his later great success,是否这样更好）. From this case, it is obvious that hardworking at school is an indispensable factor for a successful businessman（后面应再加一句，不仅仅是商人，其他职业的人也是这样）.

1 x$ V$ t4 k( b0 `
Furthermore, it is our school that taught us sorts of basic academic knowledge. Hence, it is undoubted that the career success needs such knowledge which should be attained by hardworking at school（把which 后面的删掉，与首句有点重复）. Take a successful woman Yanlan in China for another instance. When she studied abroad in Columbia University, she wanted（want短语删去，从后面内容看，她已经在学习了） to learn the professional knowledge on mass communication and media. It is the academic courses in Columbia University that help her built her own media company in her career. （It is …that…句式使用过多，可否考虑其他句式？这里可加一句，强调academic courses对她的作用，比如拓展视野，了解东西方媒体的价值观等等，而这些对日后她成立公司有很大帮助）In Columbia University, she also concentrated in studying rather than went（改成going） out of campus（为求简洁，of campus删去） to view the scenery in New York. Without hardworking, she couldn't be an outstanding graduator and master sophistic skill in mass communication field. So, she believes that the opportunity is only prepared for the person who is hardworking and skillful.（她相信…,但是这不代表你的观点，所以后面应该加一句，你也同意她的观点。）

Finally, we had to admit that the helping from others （改成gaining from outside help）also will（will删去） have positive impact on our success. However, the virtues of helping from others couldn't preponderate
（加上over） the benefit brought by hardworking at school. There’s a vivid case. While hunting a job, a person （加who，从句）has a recommendation from a famous professor will have competitive edge when compared with a normal person（不应该是normal personal，太泛指，可写成applicant without any）. But comparing with a hardworking person, he would still be less competitive to win the success.

Judging from what I mentioned above, the hardworking spirit cultivated at school and basic academic knowledge taught by professors are essential factors for people to win success. Those factors play a more superior（优等的作用？好像不通） role than the factor of gaining help from others.（最后一句意思和前一句有点重复，用without反义强调是否更好？）

行文结构很清楚，逻辑也很连贯，文章分两个分论点强调认真学习的重要性。1，培养独立学习思考的技能。并用李嘉诚例句论证他独立学习钻研经济学论文获得机会。但是论证不够鲜明。逻辑关系似乎应该是通过努力，培养了独立学习思考的能力，而这种能力应是对职业发展起至关重要作用的。李的例子中认真学习与独立思考之间的关系，独立思考与职业发展之间的关系显得有些凌乱。2，专业知识，杨澜例子中所缺失的部分已在文中给出，重点应在专业知识怎么对职业发展有所帮助上。

呵呵，能看到就这么多了，如有不对，见谅啊！

miggerUID: 2276392

明明打了红色的，怎么看不出来，再发。

As an old saying （加goes），the success of a prodigy should be owed to ninety-nine percent of hardworking and only one percent of individual's intelligence and helping from outside（用external 或outside help 是否更简单些）. (谚语在这使用的太妙了，画龙点睛，点出主旨。) Therefore, I agree with the statement that future career success is more related to studying hard at school than the helping of （用from） others.

To begin with, it is indisputable that we could cultivate a good learning skill by hardworking at school. Take tycoon Li Jiachen, the successful businessman in Hong Kong, for example. In one of his interview, he said that he contributed his success to the effort he paid off(off 是否应该去掉？paid off似乎是不及物的。) at school. It was at school that he learned how to think independently. In his spare time at school, he spent all his time（与上文spare time有点重复，直接写he spent all his spare time） in reading the (the 去掉，似乎并没有特指)economic essays he was interested in. Because of his hardworking, he gained a trainee opportunity in the investment bank as a good threshold, thus leading he(him) to he great success in his career（有点奇怪，改成he gained an opportunity to be an trainee in the investment bank 这里加上银行名称，毕竟是特指and receive rigor professional training there, which helps him to cross the threshold and lead to his later great success,是否这样更好）. From this case, it is obvious that hardworking at school is an indispensable factor for a successful businessman（后面应再加一句，不仅仅是商人，其他职业的人也是这样）.

1 x$ V$ t4 k( b0 `
Furthermore, it is our school that taught us sorts of basic academic knowledge. Hence, it is undoubted that the career success needs such knowledge which should be attained by hardworking at school（把which 后面的删掉，与首句有点重复）. Take a successful woman Yanlan in China for another instance. When she studied abroad in Columbia University, she wanted（want短语删去，从后面内容看，她已经在学习了） to learn the professional knowledge on mass communication and media. It is the academic courses in Columbia University that help her built her own media company in her career. （It is …that…句式使用过多，可否考虑其他句式？这里可加一句，强调academic courses对她的作用，比如拓展视野，了解东西方媒体的价值观等等，而这些对日后她成立公司有很大帮助）In Columbia University, she also concentrated in studying rather than went（改成going） out of campus（为求简洁，of campus删去） to view the scenery in New York. Without hardworking, she couldn't be an outstanding graduator and master sophistic skill in mass communication field. So, she believes that the opportunity is only prepared for the person who is hardworking and skillful.（她相信…,但是这不代表你的观点，所以后面应该加一句，你也同意她的观点。）

Finally, we had to admit that the helping from others （改成gaining from outside help）also will（will删去） have positive impact on our success. However, the virtues of helping from others couldn't preponderate
（加上over） the benefit brought by hardworking at school. There’s a vivid case. While hunting a job, a person （加who，从句）has a recommendation from a famous professor will have competitive edge when compared with a normal person（不应该是normal personal，太泛指，可写成applicant without any）. But comparing with a hardworking person, he would still be less competitive to win the success.

Judging from what I mentioned above, the hardworking spirit cultivated at school and basic academic knowledge taught by professors are essential factors for people to win success. Those factors play a more superior（优等的作用？好像不通） role than the factor of gaining help from others.（最后一句意思和前一句有点重复，用without反义强调是否更好？）

行文结构很清楚，逻辑也很连贯，文章分两个分论点强调认真学习的重要性。1，培养独立学习思考的技能。并用李嘉诚例句论证他独立学习钻研经济学论文获得机会。但是论证不够鲜明。逻辑关系似乎应该是通过努力，培养了独立学习思考的能力，而这种能力应是对职业发展起至关重要作用的。李的例子中认真学习与独立思考之间的关系，独立思考与职业发展之间的关系显得有些凌乱。2，专业知识，杨澜例子中所缺失的部分已在文中给出，重点应在专业知识怎么对职业发展有所帮助上。

呵呵，能看到就这么多了，如有不对，见谅啊！

yuminjiaUID: 2659628

多谢楼上的改正 真是仔细！