独立作文小组—tmdxlp作文贴

tmdxlpUID: 2745223

第一次的托福作文，常常被老师说作文写得很小学生，但是真的不知道怎么才能提高··请大家多提意见
6.19
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
iIt is better to spend money on traveling and vacation than to save money for the future?

How much people have earned is not so important, it is more important that the way people use their money. Which way is better, spend money on traveling and vacation, or save money for the future? In my point of view, spend money on traveling and vacation is a better choice.

Firstly, traveling and vacation could make our life more colorful, and we can also get lots of fun and learn something that we never notice before in them. For instance, when we visit the great wall or pyramid, we will notice that how amazing work the ancient people did. Also, when we have a vacation on a beautiful island or beach, we relax ourselves and feel grateful for the universe.
Hence, it is worth for people to spend money on traveling and vacation.

Further more, people can not predict what the future will be. If there is nothing serious happen in our future, it is in vain that we save so much money. And what the worse is that we can only see the beautiful scenery on TV or pictures, but in real. My grandma was that kind of person who save the money for the future, she has more than one million on her account, however, she never travel to any place once, even though she really desire to visit Tiananmen square.

At last, even though we may suffer some terrible things in our future, it does not mean people should save money for it. Firstly, the money we save may not afford it. Secondly, we can purchase some kinds of insurance which can help us when we are suffering. Suppose there is a middle class family, one of their member get lung cancer, there is no doubt, not matter how hard they work, the money they save still can not pay the bill for treatment.. In a word, save money for the future is not a wise choice.

To sum up, people can learn much and get happiness on traveling and vacation, also, save money for the future is not so useful. So it is a better choice that we spend money on traveling and vacation than save money for the future.

junedreamjuneUID: 2700743

How much people have earned is not so important, it is more important that the way people use their money. Which way is better, spend money on traveling and vacation, or save money for the future? In my point of view, spend money on traveling and vacation is a better choice.

Firstly, traveling and vacation could make our life more colorful, and we can also get lots of fun and learn something that we never notice before in them. For instance, when we visit the great wall or pyramid, we will notice that (delete) how amazing work the ancient people did. Also, when we have a vacation on a beautiful island or beach, we relax ourselves and feel grateful for the universe. Hence, it is worth for people to spend money on traveling and vacation.

Further more, people can not predict what the future will be. If there is nothing serious happen in our future, it is in vain that we save so much money. And what the worse is that we can only see the beautiful scenery on TV or pictures, but in real (rather than at present). My grandma was that kind of person who save the money for the future; she has more than one million on her account, however, she never travels (has never traveled) to any place once (ever before), even though she really desires to visit Tiananmen square.

At last, even though we may suffer some terrible things in our future, it does not mean people should save money for it. Firstly, the money we save may not afford it. Secondly, we can purchase some kinds of insurance which can help us when we are suffering. Suppose there is a middle class family, one of their member get lung cancer (in a middle class family, one member gets lung cancer). There is no doubt, not matter how hard they work, the money they save still can not pay the bill for (afford the) treatment. In a word, save (saving) money for the future is not a wise choice.

To sum up, people can learn much and get happiness on traveling and vacation; also, save money for the future is not so useful. So it is a better choice that we spend money on traveling and vacation than save money for the future.

Basically,我觉得这篇文章的结构很清晰，论证也充分，有说理也有具体例证，这点很值得我学习~~但感觉句式、词汇稍微少了一点变化并且不够精确，也有一些语法错误，具体的我在上文改了一些，希望可以有帮助。一起加油:)

tmdxlpUID: 2745223

谢谢你了··互改真的能发现挺多问题···学习了好多··

tmdxlpUID: 2745223

6.22 Sometimes, if you can not say anything nice to someone, you should say nothing at all.

There are many turns of expression we can use when we talk to someone. Friendly, nicely, or even strictly, in order to point out someone’s mistake. But can we say nothing at all if we can not say anything nice to someone? I cannot agree that, because say something nice to people may mislead them, on the other hand, there is not thing wrong but righteousness to speak strictly in order to disabuse someone’s fanciful notion

Admitly, saying something nice to others may make them feel comfortable, also can encourage them to do things better. But it should be s/he is doing the right thing. When s/he is doing the terrible thing, of course, we cannot say anything nice to her/him, but it does not mean that we should keep silence. Because keeping silence may result in a horrible outcome. For instance, suppose a child has stolen someone’s purse, when child’s parents found that out, they do not say a word. There is no doubt, that child will continue be a thief until s/he is put into prison. Hence, from the example, we can understand that if we can not say something nice, say nothing is not a good way to deal with the problem.

Further more, speaking strictly in order to disabuse someone’s fanciful notion is righteousness. It could help people to realize how huge mistakes they made, and come back to the right way. As the example I mention above, if the child’s parents point out the child did the wrong thing strictly, it would help that child become a righteous person again. Also, do we always say nice thing to our friends? Or do we say nothing when we cannot say nice to our friends who are doing something bad? Of course not, we would warn them seriously to make sure they are not go too far. In a word, using other expressions would also help someone.

To sum up, when we can not say nice to someone, keep silence is not the only way we can use. As a matter of fact, keeping silence may lead some terrible result. Instead, speaking strictly to point out someone’s fanciful notion is better than keeping silence.

KeeeeenWUID: 2592937

There are many turns ofexpression we can use when we talk to someone,such as friendly, nicely, or evenstrictly expression, in order to point out someone’s mistake. But can we say nothing atall if we can not say anything nice to someone? I cannot agree that, becausesay something nice to people may mislead them, on the other hand, there is nothingwrong but righteousness to speak strictly in order to disabuse someone’sfanciful notion

Admittedly, sayingsomething nice to others may make them feel comfortable, also can encouragethem to do things better. But it should be s/he is doing the right thing. Whens/he is doing the terrible thing, of course, we cannot say anything nice toher/him, but it does not mean that we should keep silence, because keepingsilence may result in a horrible outcome. For instance, suppose a child has stolensomeone’s purse, when child’s parents found that out, they do not say a word.There is no doubt, that child will continue be a thief until s/he is put intoprison. Hence, from the example, we can understand that if we cannot saysomething nice, say nothing is not a good way to deal with the problem.

Further more, speakingstrictly in order to disabuse someone’s fanciful notion is righteousness.(我有点没理解这句话的意思) It could help people to realize how huge mistakes theymade, and come back to the right way. As the example I mention above, if thechild’s parents point out the child did the wrong thing strictly, it would helpthat child become a righteous person again. Also, do we always say nice thingto our friends? Or do we say nothing when we cannot say nice to our friends whoare doing something bad? Of course not, we would warn them seriously to makesure they are not go too far. In a word, using other expressions would alsohelp someone.
( ~4 Y% Y/ x  I
To sum up, when we can not say niceto someone, keep silence is not the only way we can use. As a matter of fact,keeping silence may lead some terrible result. Instead, speaking strictly topoint out someone’s fanciful notion is better than keeping silence. 最后一段写的很清楚，观点明确

我觉得整体来说写的挺不错，例子写的很有代表性。只是有些语言的表达有点模糊。比如“disabuse someone’s fancifulnotion”。你的意思可能是说“帮助他人面对现实，面对自己的错误”？建议改为People should speaking strictly to extricateothers from fantasy?这样更直接。

tmdxlpUID: 2745223

disabuse someone’s fanciful notion

这个想表达的是纠正某人错误的想法

学习了···谢谢啊··

KeeeeenWUID: 2592937

7# tmdxlp

哦，那你第一段提出观点的时候一定要说清楚，用简单句阐明观点就可以了。

懒人一枚UID: 2838780

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! Y+ X4 P7 l- |- D# nThere are many turns of expression we can use when we talk to someone. Friendly, nicely, or even strictly, in order to point out someone’s mistake. But can we say nothing at all if we can not say anything nice to someone? I cannot agree that, because say something nice to people may mislead them, on the other hand, there is not thing wrong but righteousness to speak strictly in order to disabuse someone’s fanciful notion(不大明白，有这种搭配吗？查了下字典是disabuse sb (of sth) (formal))7 C! d: b5 F( g8 z8 ~' g% S
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Admitly (Admittedly), saying something nice to others may make them feel comfortable, also can encourage them to do things better. But it should be s/he is doing the right thing. When s/he is doing the terrible thing, of course, we cannot say anything nice to her/him, but it does not mean that we should keep silence. Because keeping silence may result in a horrible outcome (好像一般不这么搭配，v+outcome一般用的动词有affect, influence | decide, determine | achieve, have, produce ). For instance, suppose （supposing?） a child has stolen someone’s purse, when (the?)child’s parents found that out, they do (did?) not say a word. There is no doubt, that child will continue (to?) be (感觉用continue有点怪) a thief until s/he is put into prison （这一段假设是否应该用虚拟语气？）. Hence, from the example, we can understand that if we can not say something nice, say nothing is not a good way to deal with the problem.) P  r( ~; |. f% Q

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Further more, speaking strictly in order to disabuse someone’s fanciful notion is righteousness. It could help people to realize how huge mistakes they made （how huge they made mistakes? or what huge mistakes they made?）, and come back to the right way. As the example I mentioned above, if the child’s parents point out the child did the wrong thing strictly, it would help that child become a righteous person again. Also, do we always say nice thing to our friends? Or do we say nothing when we cannot say nice to our friends (them) who are doing something bad? Of course not, we would warn them seriously(搭配问题，warn+adj) to make sure they are not go too far. In a word, using other expressions would also help someone.: D/ {0 F) }% }6 A8 |
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To sum up, when we can not say nice to someone, keep silence is not the only way we can use. As a matter of fact, keeping silence may lead some terrible result. Instead, speaking strictly to point out someone’s fanciful notion is better than keeping silence.

感觉in order to 用了好几次。没事多看看搭配词典会更好。

tmdxlpUID: 2745223

这次限时写的··觉得写得很没层次··时间不够啊··还得加快速度

6.24

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? A job with more vacation time is better than a job with high salary but less vacation time.

Life is not a bed of roses. Sometimes we get a job with high salary, it will be less vacation time offer us. Reversely, if the job offer more vacation time, there are less salary we could get. It is a dilemma that most of us are facing. So, how can we make a decision in this situation? For me, I will choose the job with vacation time but less salary.

Admittedly, the job with high salary but less vacation time is attractive, because in the short run, higher salary means we can purchase many things that we want, such as expensive cars, beautiful houses, exquisite jewels and so on. However, we should not ignore that higher pay also means higher stress. How can we enjoy our lives if we are under pressure all the time? In the mean time, less vacation time result that we do not have much time spend with our family. Because of that, some domestic problems may happen. Hence, this kind of job may lead many problems that we do not expect.

Further more, it is wise to choose a job with less salary but more vocation time. Thought the lower salary cannot satisfy our desire which go to travel, purchase expensive goods, we have more time to spend with our family, and enjoy our lives. My mother, who get less salary, but more vacation time, so she has much time stay with me. However, my father has higher salary, but always very busy all the day. To be honest, I love my mother more than my father. I know how hard my father works, and what he have done is for provide a better living condition for our family, But I just do not like him, I suppose the most important reason is that work keeps him away from me, although the pay looks well.

To sum up, it is no wise to sacrifice so many things to exchange the higher salary, as we know, higher salary is not the only goal that we work for, The aim that we work for is because we need a better life.

ilnlhUID: 2641884

最后一段最好总结前文吧，现在这样感觉又提出了一个新观点一样

FFFMZJBUID: 2479141

这次限时写的··觉得写得很没层次··时间不够啊··还得加快速度

6.24

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? A job with more vacation time is better than a job with high salary bu ...
tmdxlp 发表于 2010-6-24 13:29

请把WORD版本传上来

KeeeeenWUID: 2592937

请见附件。

tmdxlpUID: 2745223

12# FFFMZJB

不好意思，已经把word上传了··谢了··

FFFMZJBUID: 2479141

12# FFFMZJB  

不好意思，已经把word上传了··谢了··
tmdxlp 发表于 2010-6-25 17:50

修改文件见附件，一起加油。