【Flyer杀G作文组】06月24日Issue130-By 潇

红绡UID: 2839171

ISSUE 130
130. "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
分类：教育




In this rapid developing society and the era of information explosion, the younger generations have experienced the huge impact brought by various kinds of the abundant information from countries in the world. The extent children are socialized today determines the development of society in future. However, when children grow up under the affect of society which cannot be ignored, a vital problem comes out that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a harmonious and well-off society. Obviously, the children have some weakness which would not be beneficial to development of our society on further step. However, we cannot overpass more shining points on them. If public and parents adopt reasonable and proper methods to guide and correct them in their growing course, future destiny of the world would be probably better and better under their creation.

Growing up under tremendous modernization of society, do children really comprehend the importance and principles of communication? Do they have respect for cultivating emotional quotient? Do they possess social responsibility and right sense of worth? Actually, we can learn many facts and gain some answers about these questions relied to the phenomenon appearing around us all over the world. Many children can hardly adjust to society and become egocentric. However, it is just society which does not only bring about enormous information and fortune, but also is filled with various thoughts in which competitive spirit occupies a leading position that is higher praised than team spirit because of current fierce competition. Irrefutably, a great majority of adults shuttling in earthliness has to get caught in the competitive treadmill for a living with becoming self-regarding/selfish increasingly. And there are many social phenomena which show individualism such as some characters in movies named Mahatma, Spider-Man and The Flash and so on. Consequently, children who touch the society frequently would be prone to form the same conception in their brains ineluctably.

Furthermore, it has been a tendency for both parents and instructors to develop children’s consciousness of competition. Teachers directed by school authority and yielded by atmosphere of the society would educate children to compete with each other on study work. As the manifesto—overall development of moral, intellectual, physical, aesthetics and labor, they pay more attention to intellectual compared with other four respects that almost everyone has touched and felt more or less. While parents generally irrigate thoughts and experiences which are formed in their own process of growing and expect to make up for flaws they held on their children without regard to/leaving out differences of eras and sign of the times today. The offspring would own their unique sights on the world and society with walking the steps on their own, so we do not need worry too much about that because in many ways children are enough excellent and do far better than adults.


Today the youth live in an open society which they can acquire any information as easy as blowing off dust. Compared with adults’ childhood, they know far more and earlier about the world. Although they may take in disadvantages from outside and display some weakness and cannot deal with affair in correct methods, they are still brilliant in many respects. Now that people worry about growing of children how to raise them to help bring along the society, then they need correct the erroneous views in proper methods. Nevertheless, people should offer space where the offspring can develop themselves freely and creatively. So they would have more chances to grow into various kinds of talents who are required by our society.
On the whole, I concede that children have some weak points, but every man has his weak side. So we need not have anxiety on this problem unduly. If people focus on and guide development of children consciously such as actual and international environment and prevent the youth from too much harmful content, I believe they would grow up healthily to be competent people who would take social responsibility and propel society onward to greater good.

yogurt4UID: 198389

In this rapid developing society and the era of information explosion, the younger generations have experienced the huge impact brought by various kinds of the abundant information from countries in the world. The extent children are socialized today determines the development of society in future. However, when children grow up under the affect of society which cannot be ignored, a vital problem comes out that we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a harmonious and well-off society. Obviously, the children have some weakness which would not be beneficial to development of our society on further step. However, we cannot overpass more shining points on them. If public and parents adopt reasonable and proper methods to guide and correct them in their growing course, future destiny of the world would be probably better and better under their creation.



开头写的很长，OK。问题是写这么长，到However, we cannot之前都是在扩写题目，我觉得没有什么必要，因为除掉题目提供的内容，你自己附加进去的新信息很少。对于重视逻辑的作文考试来说，这样扩写不是很讨好。最后一句If public and parents adopt reasonable and proper methods，IF放到这里，那你还是同意题目，现在孩子没养好，家长跟社会对孩子的教育可以更上一层楼。我看了一下后面好像正文又不是这么发展的@_@?

yogurt4UID: 198389

PS 赞头像:D

红绡UID: 2839171

2# yogurt4


The extent children are socialized today determines the development of society in future. While as the topic saying, when children grow up under the affect of society which cannot be ignored, a vital problem comes out that people have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a harmonious and well-off society. Obviously, the children have some weakness which would not be beneficial to development of our society on further step. However, I consider that we cannot overpass more shining points on them.
呵呵，稍改了下，之前的开头的确太赘述，态度也表达的不明确，谢谢yogurt4的点评~会继续改进的^-^

师大菜菜UID: 2838404

The extent children are socialized today determines the development of society in future. While as the topic saying, when children grow up under the affect of society which cannot be ignored, a vital problem comes out that people have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a harmonious and well-off society. Obviously, the children have some weakness which would not be beneficial to development of our society on further step. However, I consider that we cannot overpass more shining points on them.


Growing up under tremendous modernization of society, do children really comprehend the importance and principles of communication? Do they have respect for cultivating emotional quotient? Do they possess social responsibility and right sense of worth? Actually, we can learn many facts and gain some answers about these questions relied to the phenomenon appearing around us all over the world. Many children can hardly adjust to society and become egocentric. However, it is just society which does not only bring about enormous information and fortune, but also is filled with various thoughts in which competitive spirit occupies a leading position that is higher praised than team spirit because of current fierce competition. Irrefutably, a great majority of adults shuttling in earthliness has to get caught in the competitive treadmill for a living with becoming self-regarding/selfish increasingly. And there are many social phenomena which show individualism such as some characters in movies named Mahatma, Spider-Man and The Flash and so on. Consequently, children who touch the society frequently would be prone to form the same conception in their brains ineluctably.
//这段主要写,很多孩子无法适应环境, 原因有人们过分强调竞争而忽视合作精神, 另外,还有过分强调个人主义


Furthermore, it has been a tendency for both parents and instructors to develop children’s consciousness of competition. Teachers directed by school authority and yielded by atmosphere of the society would educate children to compete with each other on study work. As the manifesto—overall development of moral, intellectual, physical, aesthetics and labor, they pay more attention to intellectual compared with other four respects that almost everyone has touched and felt more or less. While parents generally irrigate thoughts and experiences which are formed in their own process of growing and expect to make up for flaws they held on their children without regard to/leaving out differences of eras and sign of the times today. The offspring would own their unique sights on the world and society with walking the steps on their own, so we do not need worry too much about that because in many ways children are enough excellent and do far better than adults.
//这段讲家长过于强调智力, 另外,我们不需要担心,感觉这段东西有点杂乱, 你是想写一个过渡段么?

1.这里貌似应该用被动语态:
Which may have been touched and felt more or less by everyone.
2.enough一般放到形容词后面,我查了一下句酷

http://www.jukuu.com/search.php?q=enough+
或者可以把两句合并, in many ways children are excellent enough to do far better than adults.



Today the youth live in an open society which they can acquire any information as easy as blowing off dust. Compared with adults’ childhood, they know far more and earlier about the world. Although they may take in disadvantages from outside and display some weakness and cannot deal with affair in correct methods, they are still brilliant in many respects. Now that people worry about growing of children how to raise them to help bring along the society, then they need correct the erroneous views in proper methods. Nevertheless, people should offer space where the offspring can develop themselves freely and creatively. So they would have more chances to grow into various kinds of talents who are required by our society.

//这段讲前途还是光明的, 感觉论证不是很有力,比如讲, 可以很快很方获得信息,可以举一下Internet


On the whole, I concede that children have some weak points, but every man has his weak side. So we need not have anxiety on this problem unduly. If people focus on and guide development of children consciously such as actual and international environment and prevent the youth from too much harmful content, I believe they would grow up healthily to be competent people who would take social responsibility and propel society onward to greater good.

语言很好, 字句都很不错,学到很多词句....
给一点建议就是： 稍加组织一下,每段写一个比较明确的Topic sentence.会更好.
另外, 第一段举了几个例子,还不错,其余段落都感觉叙述偏多,论证偏少, 多举一些例子会更好