独立写作练习贴 by gavinfeng

gavinfengUID: 2720524

请大家多多指教，狠狠批！thx~

7.20 Businessmen are only motivated by desire of money

In the world of business, profits play a significant role in it. Without the money from profits, there is no way for the corporation to develop, to enlarge the plants and to improve the conditions for the workers, not to mention gaining more profits from it. It could be said without exaggeration that money gained from profits is the end of the business world. Thus, I share the same opinion with the issue above.

The businessmen are not working for charity, and all they have to do is to maximize the profits of their companies. Money leads a prior role in the business field, which could be used to purchase the raw materials, improve the manufacturing skills and hire skillful workers who could lessen the cost and increase the profits, in order to bring the company to a higher and stronger level. But what if a company without money? It is probable that it could not buy any materials to manufacture, hire no workers and sell no goods, which in the end would bring no money at all and lead to company towards a negative dimension until bankruption. Thus, money is the key for the company to continue.

It is true that some of the corporations would behave less motivated by money than others, but as far as I am concerned, behind the surface, the aim of them are enlarging their profits and to gain money. We could find that in some of the companies, the leaders will play an active role in the charity activities and offer some money for people in emergeny and the poor people and some might argue that this is the fact that money is not an end for every company. Whereas in my point of view, the aims of these companies for doing so are to raise their images and more or less gain some benefits from the government, such as the decreasing of tax, which would bring them more benefits in the end.

In the final analysis, businessmen are stimulated by money more or less, though some of them would act directly towards money pursuing, and others behave less aggressively.

dy008UID: 2284812

In the world of business, profits play a significant role （in it删去？）. Without （the money from删去） profits, there is no way for the corporation to develop, to enlarge the plants and to improve the conditions for the workers, not to mention finally gaining more profits from it. It could be said without exaggeration that money obtained from profits is the end of the business world. Thus, I share the same opinion with the issue above.

The businessmen are not working for charity, and all they have to do is to maximize the profits of their companies. Money leads a prior role in the business field, which could be used to purchase the raw materials, improve the manufacturing skills and hire skillful workers who could lessen the cost and increase the profits, in order to bring the company to a higher and stronger level. But what if a company without money? It is probable that it could not buy any materials to manufacture, hire no workers and sell no goods, which in the end would bring no money at all and lead to company towards a negative dimension until bankruptcy. Thus, money is the key for the company to continue
这一段是不是可以加一个例子？比如说微软公司，一切围绕它来，如果它不怎么样，那么发不了工资，雇不了最顶尖的IT工作者，维护不了windows软件的市场地位，被苹果等公司赶上，这样更好写更好想。

There is no denying that some of the corporations would behave less motivated by money than others, but as far as I am concerned, behind the surface, the aim of them are enlarging their profits and to pursue(不能都用gain…) money. 这句话放第二段，做一个让步。第四段详细写它。


We could find that in some （of the）删 companies, the leaders will play an active role perform an active behavior in the charity activities and offer some money for people in emergence and the poor people and some might argue that this is the fact that money is not an ultimate target for every company. Whereas in my point of view, the goal of these companies for doing so are to raise their images and more or less gain some benefits from the government, such as the decreasing of tax, which would bring them more benefits in the end

In the final analysis, businessmen are stimulated by money more or less, though some of them would act directly towards money pursuing, and others behave less aggressively.

第一，        你的熟练运用词汇量和我一样惨，比这组那位差多了。
第二，        词汇不够，结构来凑，例子来补。第一段主旨，用不着写那么多空的，直接表明观点，第二段是人们通常认为商人支持了慈善事业等等不是被钱驱动，further examine easily find其实他们真正的目的还是利润，到这里略写两行，做个让步，不要多写，这里的例子第四段补。第三段写公司为了追求利润，商人早就资本化了Capitalization of businessmen 他们被资本推动drive，represent capital, capital has its own will不得不追逐更大的利润，举微软，然后你那些话全可以更准确的写到它头上，就有东西写了，软件云云。第四段写慈善事业，写公司交的慈善事业越多就可以冲税，social reputation, specific status in people’s eyes, 一种advertisement, a kind of sales strategy, final target is still……
第三，        最后结尾，搞个模板
第四，        总结，少讲空话，多谢例子，一个例子100字，两个例子两段就结束了。我们不能和那位比，他可以写的随性，我们必须有结构有模板。
第五，        例子例子例子！
第六，        我很多地方也没有做到……

gavinfengUID: 2720524

谢谢哟~哈哈~终于有人给我改喇~ 2# dy008

peggy890UID: 2812709

7.20 Businessmen are only motivated by desire of money)

In the world of business, profits play a significant role in it. Without the money from profits（这句的意思有点混乱？看不大明白）, there is no way for the corporation to develop, to enlarge the plants and to improve the conditions for the workers, not to mention gaining more profits from it. It could be said without exaggeration that（有点chiglish的感觉） money gained from profits is the end of the business world. Thus, I share the same opinion with the issue above.!

The businessmen are not working for charity, and all they have to do is to maximize the profits of their companies. Money leads a prior role in the business field, which could be used to purchase the raw materials, improve the manufacturing skills and hire skillful workers who could lessen the cost and increase the profits, in order to bring the company to a higher and stronger level. But what if a company without money? It is probable that it could not buy any materials to manufacture, hire no workers and sell no goods, which in the end would bring no money at all and lead to company towards a negative dimension until bankruption. Thus, money is the key for the company to continue.（最后建议再加一句，without money to support the function of company,如何如何）
这一段楼主应该是在使用分析法，但是建议你把为什么这样、这样的后果、怎么解决一系列都包括进去就不会显得空洞了~

It is true that some of the corporations would behave less motivated by money than others, but as far as I am concerned, behind the surface（chiglish的词组，建议删除）, the aim of them are enlarging their profits and to gain money. We could find that in some of the companies, the leaders will play an active role in the charity activities and offer some money for people in emergency and the poor people （此处可以扩展一下，people in need还有很多可写）and some might argue that this is the fact that money is not an end for every company. Whereas in my point of view, the aims of these companies for doing so are to raise their images and more or less gain some benefits from the government, such as the decreasing of tax, which would bring them more benefits in the end.

In the final analysis, businessmen are stimulated by money more or less, though some of them would act directly towards money pursuing, and others behave less aggressively.
整个看来，楼主的结构不错，但就是内容上略显空洞、单薄，建议多写一些具体的例子，在阐述上更加specific、深入具体一些更好，加油~

gavinfengUID: 2720524

4# peggy890 谢谢~

peggy890UID: 2812709

5# gavinfeng
记得评我的哦~~
要互评的嘛

gavinfengUID: 2720524

6# peggy890 你好迅速哟~今天的作业我还没写呢...

gavinfengUID: 2720524

8.2独立写作作业
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Young people should try several different jobs before they take a long term career.


Job choosing is always a big deal for young people. Some of them would wish a career with high salary and care nothing about the working strength and their interests. The perfect jobs for the others might have to be compatible with their requirement for interests and comfortable working environment. Depending on the various conditions in different jobs, I agree with the statement that young people should have a try on a variety of jobs before they settle down on a particular career, which is both responsible for their future lives as well as their personal development.

It is true that the youngsters always changing jobs could not help them establish a firm foundation on their settled career, whereas this would not be the reason for the young to choose a long term career too early. With their creativity and ability to learn in a short time, the young people are able to handle their jobs in a short period, which would decrease the negative impacts on their future career by changing too much. What’s more, with different experience, the youngsters are able to combine the experience together in the later jobs, and this might make unpredictable success in the end.

Nevertheless, in an environment with different jobs, the young people would have the chance to find out what interests them most and what they would be willing pursue in the rest of their lives. If they settle down on a career too early, they might be unable to recognize their interests and what they actually want to be since they have become used to their first long term jobs. And the path of searching for interests would be long, if they could not find out their career of interests when they are young, it would be a pity for them or it might lead to an interruption of their career when they get older. And that would be irresponsible for themselves and their careers.

Moreover, after staying in various working conditions, the youngsters would have an overall idea on the different working places, which would lessen their future compliant on their long term jobs, since they realize that there exit difficulties everywhere. But if they don’t experience these in other jobs, when their perfect jobs come to them, they might care too much on the negative side of the career and loose the chance to enjoy their jobs.

In the final analyze, changing jobs in the early stage would help the young people to recognize their dream careers and know the inevitable difficulties in their jobs, which would lead a better career development for them.

jiangskyskyUID: 2478960

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Young people should try several different jobs before they take a long term career
Job choosing is always a big deal for young people. Some of them would wish a career with high salary and care nothing （用without caring 更好一些）about the working strength and their interests. The perfect jobs for the others might have to be compatible with their requirement for interests and comfortable working environment. （最好用working condition）Depending on the various conditions in different jobs, I agree with the statement that young people should have a try on a variety of jobs before they settle down on a particular career, which is both responsible for their future lives as well as their personal development.
It is true that the youngsters always changing jobs could not help them establish a firm foundation on their settled career, whereas this would not be the reason for the young to choose a long term career too （so）early. With their creativity and ability to learn （改为learnt）in a short time, the young people are able to handle their jobs in a short period, which would decrease the negative impacts on their future career by changing too much. What’s more, with different experience, the youngsters are able to combine the（difference） experience together in the later jobs, and this might make unpredictable success in the end（in the future）.0
Nevertheless, in an environment with different jobs（不同的job环境应该不一样吧）, the young people would have the chance to find out what interests them most and what they would be willing pursue in the rest of their lives. If they settle down on a career too early, they might be unable to recognize their interests and what they actually want to be since they have become used to their first long term jobs. And the path of searching for interests would be long（其实zigzag更形象）, if they could not find out their career of interests when they are young, it would be a pity for them or it might lead to an interruption of their career when they get older. And that would be irresponsible for themselves and their careers.'

Moreover, after staying in various working conditions, the youngsters would have an overall idea on the different working places, which would lessen their future compliant on their long term jobs, since they realize that there exit difficulties everywhere. But if they don’t experience these in other jobs, when their perfect jobs come to them, they might care too much on the negative side of the career and loose （lose）the chance to enjoy（这个词不恰当吧 get more fun from） their jobs.

In the final analyze, changing jobs in the early stage would help the young people to recognize their dream careers and know the inevitable（这次用的不错） difficulties in their jobs, which would lead a better career development （development in career）for them.
总体来说写的不错，词用的也挺好的，加油