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7月20的作业 烦请改的童鞋放肆批吧！！

Businessmen are only motivated by desire of money.doc (13 KB, 下载次数: 5)

2010-7-20 18:56:28 上传

下载次数: 5

伊儿柠檬UID: 2761139

who was one of the best-known magnates who succeed in his own microsoft corporation, he was （不要was）hold （has holden）more than 58 billion dollars by june,
Thus, it seems clear that there still existed something except money for Bill to chase, briefly, the concern for human welfare, especially as manifested through charities.用现在时比较好吧？
我觉得你的文章无论是用此还是句型都很好，我看了以后受益匪浅。但我觉得你的论点还不够，特别是in addtion后面，我觉得你这个过渡段有点偏题了。我们是反驳商人不仅仅是为了利益，但你这一段写的是商人不应该为了利益去经商，如果你还有其他的方面反驳的话，我觉得有这一段是可以，但是你只有中间那一段比尔盖茨的观点，容易让人误解。这只是我的观点，可能是我的理解错误。你觉得呢？

echoismeUID: 2845061

偶还是不能发附件，是在word里面改的，直接贴出来吧~~
很奇怪为什么是这么个难看的字体？

Businessmen are only motivated by desire of money

When it comes to definite businessmen, some people believe that businessmen are equal to who are only motivated by their insatiable hunger for wealth. As for me, I agree that the strong desire of money was one of their conspicuous characters, but careful weighing on mind, I find that doesnot categorically bear out this claim.


Firstly, there is no doubt that the ultimate goal of every business is to make profits, as the old saying goes, "no profit, no business!" Failed commerces can not only reduce profits in companies but to weak companies, which may finally lead to company bankruptcy.
第一段内容太少了，可以用example 说明阐释

However, we could also see that trademen were not only motivated by the desire of money, take Bill Gates for example, who was one of the best-known magnates succeed in his own microsoft corporation, he was hold more than 58 billion dollars by june,2008. After he offically retired, he deciared to pay 98% of his wealthy for the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation(a foundation which built for contributing to various kinds of philanthropy) in his will. Those who apply their highest strengths and virtues for the greater good, as through charity events like Bill Gates, as well as a trademan. (缺少主语)Thus, it seems clear that there still existed something except money for Bill to chase, briefly, the concern for human welfare, especially as manifested through charities.
Good这一段写的非常好，例子非常得当，更重要的是非常好的阐释了topic S

In addition, successful businessmen must consider something worldly, such as their benefits to employees(indeed, the staff wages play a complict role when compared to the total corporate income), to comply with laws and rules(this may sometimes limit the company profits in legally), and even their own beliefs, money will come and go, therefore it was not worth to all to fall off (什么意思？)one's faith for money.
这一段有些晦涩难懂，解释的不够清楚

In sum, relying the discussion above, i can conclude that businessmen are not only motivated by mercenary.

1.
红线、绿线我就不指出了，你自己修改吧
2.
个人觉得作文里还是不要有括号注释的好，直接定语或非限制定语从句或另起一句解释说明不是更好？还可以有效增加段落长度。
3.
本文论点非常好，需要积累更多的素材
4.
好多我不认识的单词和词组，学习了……有些词组看着挺别扭的，但是偶不能判断你用的是否正确orz
5.
你的论点非常好，语句很深刻，但是偶觉得T的作文还是以清楚阐释更为重要