yezi的作文

yezi2010UID: 2722638

写的不好，请狠批！谢谢~~~

frlenderUID: 2629962

已经修改好了。

longxue26UID: 2687755

yezi同学 你的作文那我已经看好了 给你附件过去

不要忘了点评我的哦

呵呵 大家一起加油!

yezi2010UID: 2722638

8.3作文，谢谢大家拍砖！

darkathrunUID: 2813505

先说声抱歉迟到了。。。

darkathrunUID: 2813505

改好，请验收~

zungeUID: 2660136

When it comes to the question that which is the better job, a job with more vacation time but a low salary or a job with a high salary but less vacation time.(这句话有模板情结…慎) Some people may support to choose the former job, while others will make the opposite choise. As far as I am concerned, I will definitly choose the latter job, and my arguments are listed as follows.

To begin with, a job with a high salary will bring me more money than a low salary job do undoubtedly and it can make us fill with satisfaction. With enough money, my family and I can live a abundance life without racking our brains to save money. Take one of my friends Jack as an example, he is an engineer and works in a big company, which gives him high salary but less holidays. He lives comfortable and relax because he can do everything he likes, such as he could have a holiday in any place if he wishes without considering money problem. Hence, a high salary job may bring us more stress and make us have more abilities, with which we can improve ourselves and feel more satisfied with ourselves.  

In addition, even a high salary job with less vacation, money can save time to some extent, while time can not save money. Therefore, I will choose the job with a high salary but less vacation not the job with a low salary but more vacation. For instance, when we brought vegetables in a food market, we do not need to quarrel with the seller for a bargain, which can save our time to do some other more meaningful things.

Admitted, there are some merits of taking a job with a low salary but more vacation time such as we have freedom to manage our spare time or we can spend more time with our families. However, the advantage of choosing a job with a high salary but less holidays out weights a low job with more vacation time.(此段相比较短，且无展开，可统筹一下篇幅安排)

To sum up, according to the reasons I mentioned above we can draw the conclusion that taking a job with a high salary but less vacation is better than a low salary job with more holidays since it can give us happiness.
(语言多样性较小，money可用多种说法替换)
(全篇感觉逻辑结构不是很清晰，加油)

yezi2010UID: 2722638

请狠批，谢谢~~~

matlab007UID: 2865031

8.5-comment by matlab add oil la.

littlekuoUID: 2860535

呵呵，看过啦

yezi2010UID: 2722638

8月10日作文，谢谢修改！

canoe03UID: 2786666

不好意思来晚了
8[1].10 yezi2010.doc (30 KB, 下载次数: 12)

2010-8-11 21:03:26 上传

下载次数: 12

jjooyyUID: 2704028

请查收~

yezi2010UID: 2722638

8.12作文，谢谢修改！

lanzhi_gjyUID: 2717147

When it comes to the(这里貌似不用加the) success, people have their own ways to obtain it. Whether we should make sure that other people， especially influential people or our employers ，（这里加两个逗号，变成插入成分，丰富句式，并且可以调整句子的长短节奏，我通篇看下来，觉得你的作文写得挺好的，很顺畅，只是有的时候句子缺少的变化）know about our ability, some people may support we should make others know that, while others would hold different point of views. As far as I am concerned, I agree with the former opinion, and my arguments are listed as follows.  

To begin with, only do other people know our strengths and accomplishments, they will give us some important tasks or urgent cases to handle. If they do not recognize our abilities (为什么不直接用otherwise呢？), they will not tsrut us. Without their trust, everything will be complicated, never mentioning success. （这里挺简单，但是很精彩）Take one of my classmates Amy as an example, she performed well at the beginning of her career and let her direct superior know her capability. After just one year, she acquired the appreciation and trust from her employer.(这里个人觉得有点罗嗦，建议把let her direct…capability，去掉,不过你要是想强调先know才appreciate也可以，只是个人觉得没有必要) Therefore, she promoted quicker than any other colleagues. Amy is successful in her career because she let others know her ability.  

Furthermore, when those who know our strengths and capabilities come up with problem, they would like to talk with us and wonder if they can get help from us. As everyone knows, helping others work out problems can promote ourselves at the same time. In addition, discussing with others can make us acquire others' opinions which may be useful in our future work. Hence, let others know our abilities can help us obtain more knowledge and it may lead us to the success.
（此段的衔接很紧密，这样的论证是楼主的亮点，但是这里看了很多遍，不知道为什么总是感觉这段写得有些牵强，别人知道了我的能力，于是遇到问题求助我们，于是我们在帮助别人的过程中进步…其实问题也不大，就是觉得怪怪的，你觉得呢？我有一个建议，觉得第二段可以写成“让别人认可了我们的能力，我们自己也能获得更多信心，从而工作学习都会更有动力…”这样的话，第一段是从“如题所述，别人会对我们如何如何”第二段是“如题所述，我们自己会如何如何”。不管正确与否，一点小建议。）

Admitted, there may be some minor disadvantages of showing off our strengths and accomplishments such as others' jealousness. However, the merits of exhibiting our capacity out weights the draw back of that.（我觉得如果这里不谈下我们应该如何克服这些小缺点会跟好一些）

To sum up, from what I mentioned above, we can safely draw the conclusion that make others especially influential people and employers know our strengths and accomplishments is necessary for us to obtain success.（结尾貌似很仓促）

总体来说，楼主的作文可能就是句式变化的问题，另外，似乎不是很生动，感觉多少有些平淡。你的优点是，语句通顺，简洁流畅，文章的结构啊，逻辑什么的也很清楚。我自己水平不高的，对你的批改很多都是鸡蛋里头挑骨头了，不过还是希望对你有帮助。