彼岸 12.10 issue130

banglowUID: 2969783

TOPIC: ISSUE130 - "How children are socialized today determines the destiny of society. Unfortunately, we have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society."
WORDS: 678          TIME: 01:00:00          DATE: 2010/12/10 19:37:33

As all we see, a society can never be based on some individuals or isolated groups, and it, as a whole, is a complex comfound contain not only those elements but also the relationship between them, making it as an integrety. However, I totally doubt that the level of children's socialization is the only consideration when judging the future of society. In the other place, I agree the latter part that there still a long way for us to raise children optimatically.

Having a hasty look at our society, we needn't much effort to figure out that our society is mostly based on those grown-ups. The leaders of international institutions, the figureheads of national government, and those most famous scientists are of a great part adults. Since they are neither too young to lack social experience and technical knowledge, nor too old to care about their physical health all day and count the days left, in another word suitable for the task of our society, they take the most responsibility of the destiny of our society. In this way, when it comes to many years later, those children becomes adults and they take the torch from the older generation, so their behavior represents the behavior of the sociaty and how they will be determine for most part the destiny of society.

When talking about the importance of socialization, we cannot deny that the relationship between social persons sometimes really keep sociaty's function well and work continuesly. Imagining if all the individuals work in their single room, not joining any parties or playing on the playground, never calling anyone or chatting with other on the Internet, what the sociaty will be? Relationship between individuals is just like the mutual affect between carbon atoms, being able to be diamond or graphit completely determined by the link between. In this case, when people can deal well with others, there must be positve influence on the destiny of sociaty. However, the destiny of sociaty does not only build on the link between people, but also be responded to how is the individuals' personality. Enstain, Ford, Zedong Mao for example, they all bring our sociaty a step further while almost based on their outstanding abilities, and nowadays I think Steven Jobs, CEO of Apple, more or less change our values and his contribution also deside the fate of sociaty. On the contray, Hitler during the World War Two began his aggressive invasion just because of his personal hatred of Jew, and his personal emtion brought catastrophy to the whole world. In that case, the destiny does not only based on the socialization but also refer to some individuals' personality.

When it comes to the way we raise our children in order to bring about a better sociaty, we should concede that we have not the ability to do so. First, society is changing everyday that one second it seems weathy and safe, and the next second it may trap into financial problem or under the attaction of terrorists. Therefore, we cannot predict concisely what the sociaty will be when children grow up and what only we can do it raise them as experience says, hoping this will also work in the following days. Second, the denifition of "better" is respond to the mainsteam of adults' value while we cannot ensure next generation will inherit the same value and make the similar judgement of whether the sociaty is really better or actually worse. Although we can irrigate the mind of ours and tell what the better sociaty is, changes are unpredictable. Last and most fundermental, lacking of educational resourse, expensive tuition fee still stopping students from classroom. Therefore, what we can do is quite limited and we really have not and cannot in the best way raise our children.

To sum up, everyone knows that children are our future and we should try out best to bring about a better sociaty. However, when we focus on the socialization of children, their personality should not be ignored and on the opposite, it should be pay at leat equal attention to.

choupgheadUID: 2969431

As all we see, a society can never be based on some individuals or isolated groups, and it, as a whole, is a complex comfound(compound) contain(s) not only those elements but also the relationship between them, making it as an integrety(integrity). However,（这个however转折的逻辑在哪里，感觉很模糊，前面没有表达出作者理解的社会化是什么样的，只是说社会的组成） I totally doubt that the level of children's socialization is the only consideration when judging the future of society. In the other place, I agree the latter part that there still a long way for us to raise children optimatically.（？）

Having a hasty look at our society, we needn't much effort to figure out that our society is mostly based on those grown-ups. The leaders of international institutions, the figureheads of national government, and those most famous scientists are of a great part adults.（表达有问题） Since they are neither too young to lack social experience and technical knowledge, nor too old to care about their physical health all day and count the days left, in another word suitable for the task of our society, they take the most responsibility of the destiny of our society. In this way, when it comes to many years later, those children becomes adults and they take the torch from the older generation, so their behavior represents the behavior of the sociaty and how they will be determine for most part the destiny of society.

（part一词用的较多）（感觉论证的有点乱，说承认对社会命运有大部分责任，而儿童终将成长为成人，所以how they will be决定了社会命运的大部分，这里和socialization有什么关系，好像都没有提到，还是作者默认了how they will be就是社会化？）

When talking about the importance of socialization, we cannot deny that the relationship between social persons sometimes really keep sociaty's function well and work continuesly. Imagining if all the individuals work in their single room, not joining any parties or playing on the playground, never calling anyone or chatting with other(s) on the Internet, what the sociaty will be?(这一堆例子太绝对了吧，全部都是极端例子。。。还all the individuals。。) Relationship between individuals is just like the mutual affect between carbon atoms, being able to be diamond or graphit completely determined by the link between. In this case, when people can deal well（别扭啊） with others, there must be positve （positive）influence on the destiny of sociaty. However, the destiny of sociaty does not only build on the link between people, but also be responded to how is the individuals' personality. Enstain, Ford, Zedong Mao for example, they all bring our sociaty a step further while almost based on their outstanding abilities, and nowadays I think Steven Jobs, CEO of Apple, more or less change our values and his contribution also deside the fate of sociaty（why say so？理由在哪里。。不要光给结论而不具体论述，缺少说服力）. On the contray, Hitler during the World War Two began his aggressive invasion just because of his personal hatred of Jew, and his personal emtion brought catastrophy to the whole world. In that case, the destiny does not only based on the socialization but also refer（前后时态不一样） to some individuals' personality.（具体点呗 怎样的personality，some这个词太空了）

When it comes to the way we raise our children in order to bring about a better sociaty, we should concede that we have not the ability to do so. First, society is changing everyday that one second it seems weathy and safe, and the next second it may trap into financial problem or under the attaction（attack） of terrorists. Therefore, we cannot predict concisely what the sociaty will be when children grow up and what only we can do it raise them as experience says, hoping this will also work in the following days. Second, the denifition of "better" is respond to the mainsteam of adults' value while we cannot ensure next generation will inherit the same value and make the similar judgement of whether the sociaty is really better or actually worse. Although we can irrigate the mind of ours and tell what the better sociaty is, changes are unpredictable. Last and most fundermental, lacking of educational resourse, expensive tuition fee still stopping students from classroom. Therefore, what we can do is quite limited and we really have not and cannot in the best way raise our children.(作者这一段的论述空洞而无力，无论在任何时候，我们都无法保证今天教授的知识在以后会一直正确，而仅仅因为世界在变化就可以证明我们没有找到相对好的教育方法么。。。缺少教育资源这里一笔带过，我没觉得缺少教育资源啊。你得让看你文章的人感觉到确实缺少教育资源了，你需要论证)

To sum up, everyone knows that children are our future and we should try out best to bring about a better sociaty. However, when we focus on the socialization of children, their personality should not be ignored and on the opposite, it should be pay at leat equal attention to.
（文章字数可以说超标了，但是内容比较空泛，逻辑衔接较差。
而且，出现数十处拼写和语法错误，这是一个致命伤，包括society这一题目中的词语，希望以后可以检查完拼写和语法错误并且自己改完一遍之后再上交，这是基本的态度）

choupgheadUID: 2969431

有一些字体没有相应的变红，观看辛苦了，谁懂得怎样从word上粘贴过来的颜色不被改变请回复，谢谢

McNeilUID: 2272415

确实像组长说的，很多的拼写问题，我要是在重新改一遍，浪费时间了就，在组长的基础之上改吧，也算是一种讨论吧
我的意见为蓝色字体

As all we see, a society can never be based on some individuals or isolated groups, and it, as a whole, is a complex comfound(compound) contain(s) not only those elements but also the relationship between them, making it as an integrety(integrity). However,（这个however转折的逻辑在哪里，感觉很模糊，前面没有表达出作者理解的社会化是什么样的，只是说社会的组成） I totally doubt that the level of children's socialization is the only consideration when judging the future of society. In the other place, I agree the latter part that there still a long way for us to raise children optimatically.（？）（没有太读懂）

Having a hasty look at our society, we needn't much effort to figure out that our society is mostly based on those grown-ups. The leaders of international institutions, the figureheads of national government, and those most famous scientists are of a great part adults.（表达有问题） Since they are neither too young to lack social experience and technical knowledge, nor too old to care about their physical health all day and count the days left, in another word suitable for the task of our society, they take the most responsibility of the destiny of our society. In this way, when it comes to many years later, those children becomes adults and they take the torch from the older generation, so their behavior represents the behavior of the sociaty and how they will be determine for most part the destiny of society.

（part一词用的较多）（感觉论证的有点乱，说承认对社会命运有大部分责任，而儿童终将成长为成人，所以how they will be决定了社会命运的大部分，这里和socialization有什么关系，好像都没有提到，还是作者默认了how they will be就是社会化？）

When talking about the importance of socialization, we cannot deny that the relationship between social persons sometimes really keep sociaty's function well and work continuesly. Imagining if all the individuals work in their single room, not joining any parties or playing on the playground, never calling anyone or chatting with other(s) on the Internet, what the sociaty will be?(这一堆例子太绝对了吧，全部都是极端例子。。。还all the individuals。。)（他前面有个imaging，说的应该就是极端的例子吧） Relationship between individuals is just like the mutual affect between carbon atoms, being able to be diamond or graphit completely determined by the link between.（这个比喻蛮好的） In this case, when people can deal well（别扭啊） with others, there must be positve （positive）influence on the destiny of sociaty. However, （这里选用递进的逻辑关系可能比较好一些吧）the destiny of sociaty does not only build on the link between people, but also be responded to how is the individuals' personality. Enstain, Ford, Zedong Mao for example, they all bring our sociaty a step further while almost based on their outstanding abilities, and nowadays I think Steven Jobs, CEO of Apple, more or less change our values and his contribution also deside the fate of sociaty（why say so？理由在哪里。。不要光给结论而不具体论述，缺少说服力）. On the contray, Hitler during the World War Two began his aggressive invasion just because of his personal hatred of Jew, and his personal emtion brought catastrophy to the whole world. In that case, the destiny does not only based on the socialization but also refer（前后时态不一样） to some individuals' personality.（具体点呗 怎样的personality，some这个词太空了）
（这一段的逻辑相对比较明朗，最后部分的个人层面的正面和负面的影响确实应该稍微明确一下，论述的有些模糊）
When it comes to the way we raise our children in order to bring about a better sociaty, we should concede that we have not the ability to do so. First, society is changing everyday that one second it seems weathy and safe, and the next second it may trap into financial problem or under the attaction（attack） of terrorists. Therefore, we cannot predict concisely what the sociaty will be when children grow up and what only we can do it raise them as experience says, hoping this will also work in the following days. Second, the denifition of "better" is respond to the mainsteam of adults' value while we cannot ensure next generation will inherit the same value and make the similar judgement of whether the sociaty is really better or actually worse. Although we can irrigate the mind of ours and tell what the better sociaty is, changes are unpredictable. Last and most fundermental, lacking of educational resourse, expensive tuition fee still stopping students from classroom. Therefore, what we can do is quite limited and we really have not and cannot in the best way raise our children.（in the best way 放在最后比较好）(作者这一段的论述空洞而无力，无论在任何时候，我们都无法保证今天教授的知识在以后会一直正确，而仅仅因为世界在变化就可以证明我们没有找到相对好的教育方法么。。。缺少教育资源这里一笔带过，我没觉得缺少教育资源啊。你得让看你文章的人感觉到确实缺少教育资源了，你需要论证)（这一段实际上第二点跟第一点有很大相同的部分，都是时代变化造成的这种结果，根本原因可以看作是时代变化）
（另外，作者写这一段的目的我觉得不太明确）

To sum up, everyone knows that children are our future and we should try out best to bring about a better sociaty. However, when we focus on the socialization of children, their personality should not be ignored and on the opposite, it should be pay at leat equal attention to.（结论跟前面有些脱节）
（文章字数可以说超标了，但是内容比较空泛，逻辑衔接较差。
而且，出现数十处拼写和语法错误，这是一个致命伤，包括society这一题目中的词语，希望以后可以检查完拼写和语法错误并且自己改完一遍之后再上交，这是基本的态度）

希望作者能把这篇文章的整体思路重新整理一下，每一个小段的思路我基本了解，但是整体衔接起来，我觉得有一些问题吧，欢迎后续讨论，本人水平有限