独立写作 交作业

nn2qqUID: 2798193

第一篇托福作文，还没有找到门路，希望以后越来越好，如果哪位好心人给我改的话真是受累了
1、Why people attend college?





In China, about 70 percents of high school students end up with attending college nowadays and this rate tends to increase with the increased enrollment rate of university which is encouraged by the policy of government. There is no doubt that different people attend college for various reasons.

In the large societal environment of less job opportunities compared with much more labor force, the easiness of finding a job of course becomes the number one reason why Chinese students choose to attend college. Anyway, raising himself and becoming independent is the first need of each person. Not even to say that many Chinese students who came from rural area have the responsibility to provide their parents a better living condition and that depends largely on weather they can find a good job and get the income they desire. And a degree from college is one of the important elements, if not the most important one, to contribute to a decent income. Unfortunately ,the truth is in recent years, a bachelor degree in China can not guarantee a job opportunity any more and that is why nearly 40 percents of undergraduate students choose to pursue the advanced degree like master degree, even doctor degree.


Another reason why many Chinese students choose to attend college is kind of funny. They only reason they choose to attend college is that all the other people go to college. If you ask a high school student why you want to attend college.The probably answer you may get is like: Oh, I don't know. It just I have never thought about it at all. It is kind of like attending college is the only path we should choose after graduate from middle school and everyone is struggling to getting a better grade. We are so dedicated to achieve this goal-attending college, actually attending a better college, that we do not have time to think about the reason. This situation is actually my case when I was in high school. I did not know what I really wanted
to do and I chose a simple way to continue my live-to do the same thing as others do. Even my major in college is decided by my parents instead of myself.


While, besides the two reasons above, some people choose to attend college because they are interested in a specific field or they have a dream of becoming an expert in this field and they can absorb knowledge and get systematic training of this field such as medicine, engineering in college; other people choose to attend college because they can create their personal relationship and social circle during in college. It would be funny to join a group of people who are at your own age and have the same interest with you. You can share the same happiness and concern. And through a variety of activities, you can finally find which kind of person is suitable to you and which kind is not.

phoenix2011UID: 3077553

1# nn2qq

nn2qqUID: 2798193

没有关系的，准备工作做的太少，也没怎么练习过就把作文发上去给我改得人填麻烦了我才觉得不好意思~

xiangtuoUID: 3047550

In China, about 70 percents of high school students end up(终结什么？学习生涯还是高中生活) with attending college nowadays（about 70 percent students attend college after graduation from high school更好些）and this rate tends to increase with the increased enrollment rate of university which is encouraged by the policy of government. There is no doubt that different（去掉，既然不是分不同的人写不同的理由，就不用特别强调） people attend college for various reasons.
In the large social environment of less job opportunities(less opportunities for jobs) compared with(and) much(可以去掉) more labor force, the easiness of（去掉）
finding a job easier of course becomes the number one(top) reason why Chinese students choose to attend college. Anyway, raising himself and becoming independent is the first need of each person.（要表达什么呢？而且好像和段落主旨找到好工作没关系，删） Not even to say（更不用说？say nothing of）
that many（ the）Chinese(没必要强调啊，删) students who came from rural area have the responsibility to provide their parents a better living condition and that（which）largely depends on whether they can（删） finding a good job and get the income they desire. And a degree from college （diploma更好） is one of the important elements, if not the most important one, （删）to contribute to a decent（satisfied）income. Unfortunately ,the truth is ,in recent years, the man with a bachelor degree in China are hardly to guarantee(get) a job opportunity any more(也不要太绝对嘛，删) and(没必要非连着上一句，删) That is why nearly 40 percent of undergraduate students choose to pursue the advanced degrees like master degree, even doctor degree.
Another reason why many Chinese students choose to attend college is kind of funny. They only reason they choose to attend college is （去掉吧）that all （去掉）the other people go to college. If you ask a high school student why you want（换成the reason）
to attend college，the probably answer you may get is like: Oh, I don't know. It just I have never thought about it at all. It is kind of like attending college is the only path we should choose after graduate from middle school and everyone is struggling to getting a better grade. We are so dedicated to achieve this goal-attending college, actually attending a better college, (是插入语吗？好奇怪啊！删)that we do not have time to think about the reason. This situation is actually my case when I was in high school. I did not know what I really wanted to do and I chose a simple way to continue my live（life）-to do the same thing as others do. Even my major in college is decided by my parents instead of myself.
While, (不是用在句首的，而且已经有besides了，足够了)besides the two reasons above, some people choose to attend college because they are interested in a specific field or they（前后主语一致，可以去掉）have a dream of becoming an expert in this field. And they can absorb knowledge and get systematic training of this field such as medicine, engineering in college; other people choose to attend college because they can create their personal relationship and social circle during in college. It would be funny（更多的是滑稽的意思。用在这里很不恰当，用attractive就好很多）
to join a group of people who are at your own age and have the same interest with you. You can share the same happiness and concern. And through a variety of activities, you can finally find which kind of person is suitable to you and which kind is not.（没必要再引出新观点）


可以看得出是第一次写，还有很大的进步的空间。先说逻辑框架。你分了三段，应该是三个观点对吧？第一个应该是要表达进入大学是可以找到好工作是吧？重点应该放在进入大学如何能帮助找到好工作，没必要写找到好工作的重要性什么的，养家糊口之类的。第二段是随波逐流是吧？第三段我很奇怪为什么写了三个观点呢？其实每一个观点都可以独立写一段的。
再说不只是例子，论述之类的也都是仅仅在中国范围内，这不是高考 46级作文，改你作文的是老美，他们不会关注中国高考现状之类的。例子还是要国际化一些。
作文不是越长越好的。你的很多论述都很罗嗦。罗嗦的语句叠加还不如一句一句都是简单句。作文的最高境界是用最短的词语表达出最多的意思，而不是为了使作文长二长。
最好有个结尾