Issue207 同主题 5天倒计时 欢迎互拍

zjcq2002UID: 2113577

207"Rituals and ceremonies help define a culture. Without them, societies or groups of people have a diminished sense of who they are."

Every culture has its own ceremonies and rituals, which make it different from the other. When we say Spring Festival and Moon Night, there is no doubt that we are talking about the Chinese culture, when we say Christmas Day, every one will have the impression of Christmas tree, presents and father-Christmas. There is no doubt that without the traditional ceremonies and rituals, people or societies may have a diminished sense of who they are, which is asserted by the author.

The rituals and ceremonies are the typical character of the culture, which is formed in a long period and based on the accumulation of traditional civilization. Only the groups of people who are brought up and take part in the culture can understand the meaning of the ceremonies. As we know, we will eat moon cake on mid-autumn festival. When we give the moon cake to the foreigners, they can only say it is delicious, however, it is not just a food to eat, but a ceremony to miss parents, friends and relatives not around us and a wish to live healthily and happily with them. It is through the ceremonies and the meaning included in that we can distinguish us from the other people in a different culture.

Further more, without traditional rituals and ceremonies, it is hard for people to find his root and remember who he is. There are many Chinese people in America, some of them has been there for thirty years or more. Though they have the Green Cards or nationality of America, they are still Chinese. We can see them celebrating through the TV in Spring Festival to wish our nation thriving and prosperous. Across the mountains and the sea, though we do not know each other, we are tied by a line, the ceremony and the same hope of the future, which make us know that no matter where we are, what status we have, and which language we speak, we are Chinese. If there is no such ceremony, it is hard for the people who lives in a different country , speak a different language, contribute to a different society to remember who they are and where the root is.

Admittedly, there is a globalization through the whole world. It is ordinary to see Chinese and Americans celebrate Spring Festival and Christmas Day together. It is also ordinary for an Indian to take part in the German beer ceremony. The internet, television and airplane have make the world smaller and smaller. Cultures overlap and influence each other. The most significant change is that a traditional ceremonies are introduced to a country which has a total different geographic and cultural pattern. However, it does not mean that the ceremonies and rituals have lost the function of distinguishing. The value of the traditional ceremonies still exists .It is our duty to make more effort to protect our culture, to tell the children what the ceremony means and make the traditional ceremonies the typical activities of our nation. It is our duty to perpetuate our culture and give the priceless property--our traditional ceremonies to the latter generations.

In sum, the value of the traditional rituals and ceremonies are priceless. They are the typical representation of the culture. It is the rituals and ceremonies existed to make people know who they are and where they belong to. It is also the rituals and ceremonies to give us a clear sense of our traditional culture and civilization.

翦瞳UID: 184872

占座！等一下马上来！

翦瞳UID: 184872

我的请指正！
https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=303056

翦瞳UID: 184872

207"Rituals and ceremonies help define a culture. Without them, societies or groups of people have a diminished sense of who they are."

Every culture has its own ceremonies and rituals, which make it different from the other. When we say Spring Festival and Moon Night, there is no doubt that we are talking about the Chinese culture, （and） when we say Christmas Day, every one will have the impression of Christmas tree, presents and father-Christmas. There is no doubt that without the traditional ceremonies and rituals, people or societies may have a diminished sense of who they are, which is asserted by the author.(开头挺好的)

The rituals and ceremonies are the typical character of the culture, which is formed in a long period and based on the accumulation of traditional civilization. Only the groups of people who are brought up and take part in the culture can understand the meaning of the ceremonies. As we know, we will eat moon cake on mid-autumn festival. When we give the moon cake to the foreigners, they can only say it is delicious, however, it is not just a food to eat, but a ceremony to miss parents, friends and relatives not around us and a wish （ a family reunion ）to live healthily and happily with them. It is through the ceremonies and the meaning included in that (include in that 觉得不好，尤其 in that, 我也没有更好的) we can distinguish us from the other people in a different culture.(讲它们与 culture 的关系吧？)
Further more, without traditional rituals and ceremonies, it is hard for people to find his root and remember who he is. There are many Chinese people in America, some of them has been there for thirty years or more. Though they have the Green Cards or nationality of America, they are still Chinese. We can see them celebrating through the TV in Spring Festival （中国的英语，celebrate都没有宾语）to wish our nation thriving and prosperous. Across the mountains and the sea, though we do not know each other, we are tied by a line, the ceremony and the same hope of the future, which make us know that no matter where we are, what status we have, and which language we speak, we are Chinese. （这句话估计美国佬也要仔细读，当然主从句也看的出来）If there is no such ceremony, it is hard for the people who lives in a different country , speak a different language,（and) contribute to a different society to remember who they are and where the root is.

Admittedly, there is a globalization through the whole world. It is ordinary to see Chinese and Americans celebrate Spring Festival and Christmas Day together. It is also ordinary for an Indian to take part in the German beer ceremony. (美国佬喜欢这样的例子)The internet, television and airplane have make the world smaller and smaller. Cultures overlap and influence each other. The most significant change is that a traditional ceremonies are introduced to a country which has a total different geographic and cultural pattern. However, it does not mean that the ceremonies and rituals have lost the function of distinguishing. The value of the traditional ceremonies still exists .It is our duty to make more effort to protect our culture, to tell the children what the ceremony means and make the traditional ceremonies （be)the typical activities of our nation. It is our duty to perpetuate our culture and give the priceless property--our traditional ceremonies to the latter generations.(这一段意思有些混乱，前后不联系，有点矛盾的样子，我很弱，请担待)

In sum, the value of the traditional rituals and ceremonies are priceless. They are the typical representation of the culture. It is the rituals and ceremonies existed to make people know who they are and where (what?)they belong to. It is also the rituals and ceremonies to (that)give us a clear sense of our traditional culture and civilization.(结尾意思很明白，也提出了以后该做的，句子有些单一，精益求精嘛！)

写的比我好多了，有中外的例子。我给的话至少4分，基本是5分，加油！
顺便帮我看看！多谢！

shengzhongbellUID: 199083

207"Rituals and ceremonies help define a culture. Without them, societies or groups of people have a diminished sense of who they are."
[考试要有这篇，我估计就不会选，我还是对科技，教育类的感冒]
Every culture has its own ceremonies and rituals, which make it different from the other. When we say Spring Festival and Moon Night[什么是Moon Night啊？mid-autumn festival？], there is no doubt that we are talking about the Chinese culture, when we say Christmas Day, every one will have the impression of Christmas tree[也不知道为什么这句总觉得读着优点别扭when talking to Christmas Day, the Christmas tree may emerge in people’s mind.], presents and father-Christmas. There is no doubt that without the traditional ceremonies and rituals, people or societies may have a diminished sense of who they are, which is asserted by the author.[开头不错]

The rituals and ceremonies are the typical character of the culture, which is formed in a long period and based on the accumulation of traditional civilization. Only the groups of people who are brought up and take part in the culture can understand the meaning of the ceremonies. As we know, we will eat moon cake on mid-autumn festival. When we give the moon cake to the foreigners, they can only say it is delicious, however, it is not just a food to eat, but a ceremony to miss parents, friends and relatives not around us and a wish to live healthily and happily with them. It is through the ceremonies and the meaning included in that we can distinguish us from the other people in a different culture. [身边的例子用得不错]

Further more, without traditional rituals and ceremonies, it is hard for people to find his root and remember who he is. There are many Chinese people in America, some of them has been there for thirty years or more. Though they have the Green Cards or nationality of America, they are still Chinese. We can see them celebrating through the TV in Spring Festival to wish our nation thriving and prosperous. Across the mountains and the sea, though we do not know each other, we are tied by a line, the ceremony and the same hope of the future, which make us know that no matter where we are, what status we have, and which language we speak, we are Chinese. If there is no such ceremony, it is hard for the people who lives in a different country , speak a different language, contribute to a different society to remember who they are and where the root is. [这段虽然感觉语言不是很地道，但是例子还是选得不错，支持了分论点]

Admittedly, there is a globalization through the whole world. It is ordinary to see Chinese and Americans celebrate Spring Festival and Christmas Day together. It is also ordinary for an Indian to take part in the German beer ceremony.[这个例子太牵强了，好象和文章的主题societies may have a diminished sense没多大关系，我也经常写着写着就偏题了，不过主要是这个题目不太好写，不会分出好几个明确的论点] The internet, television and airplane have make the world smaller and smaller. Cultures overlap and influence each other. The most significant change is that a traditional ceremonies are introduced to a country which has a total different geographic and cultural pattern. However, it does not mean that the ceremonies and rituals have lost the function of distinguishing. The value of the traditional ceremonies still exists .It is our duty to make more effort to protect our culture, to tell the children what the ceremony means and make the traditional ceremonies the typical activities of our nation. It is our duty to perpetuate our culture and give the priceless property--our traditional ceremonies to the latter generations.[本段好象都是些主张可以挪到最后一段去写，原作者对society有意义的观点分析还不够]

In sum, the value of the traditional rituals and ceremonies are priceless. They are the typical representation of the culture. It is the rituals and ceremonies existed to make people know who they are and where they belong to. It is also the rituals and ceremonies to give us a clear sense of our traditional culture and civilization.
[总的来说还是很不错的，能写将近600字，但感觉你好象是拿来文章就赶紧写生怕字数不够似的，我觉得因该跟多的分析一下文章，写出有力的论点和论据，其实450-500字也足够可以拿高分了，这就是我的一点建议，其他的都挺不错了，我现在最好也就500出头，正在找状态~]

shengzhongbellUID: 199083

还有建议你每词把你的TP也帖在前面

neithernorUID: 2103606

你给我拍得真好:)大有收获的说~先谢一下^_^。本来想改你的argument的，看了一下问题主要是一些句子的用法不太对,比如it is sure to increase the sales..改成the sales of ...is sure to increase,或it is sure that the sales of ...will increase...会比较好一点,还有后面的it is doubtful when,要注意大部分时间it 都是有所指的:)
Every culture has its own ceremonies and rituals, which make it different from the other. When we say Spring Festival and Moon Night, there is no doubt that we are talking about the Chinese culture, when we say Christmas Day, every one will have the impression of Christmas tree, presents and father-Christmas. There is no doubt that without the traditional ceremonies and rituals, people or societies may have a diminished sense of who they are, which is asserted by the author.(蓝色部分有点突兀，前面主要说every culture has its own ceremonies and rituals，后面突然无凭无据加上一句there is no doubt that without the traditional ceremonies and rituals, people or societies may  have diminished sense of who they are，影响了连贯性哦，especially the use of "no doubt" here)
The rituals and ceremonies are the typical character of the(if not specifically referring to a certain culture, "a" would be better) culture, which is formed in a long period and based on the accumulation of traditional civilization. Only the groups of people who are brought up and take part in the culture can understand the meaning of the ceremonies. (数数用了几个the 啊,呵呵,consider: "...Only people brought up by, and thus immersed in a culture can truly understand the meaning of its ceremonies" )As we know, we will eat moon cake on mid-autumn festival. When we give the moon cake to the foreigners, they can only say it is delicious, however, it is not just a food to eat, but a ceremony to miss parents, friends and relatives not around us and a wish to live healthily and happily with them. It is through the ceremonies and the meaning included in that we can distinguish us from the other people in a different culture.(第一段主题句吧，觉得关于meaning的一半不是很好理解哦．嗯．．．)
Further more, without traditional rituals and ceremonies, it is hard for people to find his root and remember who he is. There are many Chinese people in America, some of them has been there for thirty years(why thirty years?) or more. Though they have the Green Cards or nationality of America, they are still Chinese. We can see them celebrating through the TV in Spring Festival to wish our nation thriving and prosperous. Across the mountains and the sea, though we do not know each other, we are tied by a line, the ceremony and the same hope of the future, which make us know that no matter where we are, what status we have, and which language we speak, we are Chinese. (读来暖暖的...赞...)If there is no such ceremony, it is hard for the("the" should be omitted) people who lives in a different country , speak a different language, contribute to a different society to remember who they are and where the root is.第二段，ceremonies跟我们对自己的文化认同有关.不错哦．不过要突出一下ceremony就更好啦

Admittedly, there is a globalization through the whole world. It is ordinary to see Chinese and Americans celebrate Spring Festival and Christmas Day together. It is also ordinary for an Indian to take part in the German beer ceremony(beer ceremony? 我认识的GermanySSGG说ms没有这个ceremony的．．．beer 是ceremony不可少的一部分,但只有beer gathering ,没有beer ceremony哦). The internet, television and airplane have make the world smaller and smaller. Cultures overlap and influence each other. The most significant change is that a traditional ceremonies are introduced to a country which has a total different geographic and cultural pattern. However, it does not mean that the ceremonies and rituals have lost the function of distinguishing. ( 这个转折很好的说：）)The value of the traditional ceremonies still exists .(啊呀，真可惜，怎么下面不继续证明一下为什么the value still exist呢，会更eloquent的，甩下一句就跑可不好)It is our duty to make more effort to protect our culture, to tell the children what the ceremony means and make the traditional ceremonies the typical activities of our nation. It is our duty to perpetuate our culture and give the priceless property--our traditional ceremonies to the latter generations.(嗯．．．这一段后面的redirection towards our duty to preserve the culture有点可惜了,不该丢下没证完的论点另开一灶的哦 :(前面说得很好的)

In sum, the value of the traditional rituals and ceremonies are priceless. (the value...are priceless，主谓要注意一致啦)They are the typical representation("typical representation" amounts to "famale women",呵呵,是从中文的"典型代表"来的吧) of the culture. It is the rituals and ceremonies existed to make people know who they are and where they belong to. It is also the rituals and ceremonies to give us a clear sense of our traditional culture and civilization.(没证without them, people's sense of who they are will deminish,虽然说 c&r give us a clear sense of our traditional culture and civillization,但还是没明确没有它们,人们会不会迷失呀)

总的来说,写得蛮不错的:) 加油加油!不要被我的红字吓到了哦,拍砖嘛,呵呵,要心狠手辣的.我现在issue都放弃了,看到题目一脑子的想法打架,呵呵.

esmeirasUID: 202885

esmeirasUID: 202885

插一句, 讲中国月饼的那一段在老美看来反映会是怎么样啊?  这样写主观性强了一些. 例子如果用客观点的句子效果会更好吧?
其他的都改了,俺就不多说了^_^

neithernorUID: 2103606

可是总不能糊弄过关吧，我希望我改过能有一点点用的。。。。
我改了一个小时呢，也很累的，我也想少些一点啊。好像拍重了。。。
楼主千万不要受影响啊，只是我乱下砖头，估计大牛的文章我都能挑出一堆刺来。我老大说我完美主义的。。。。。

zjcq2002UID: 2113577

抱抱shengzhongbell ，neithernor (neithernor) 和esmeiras，多谢拍砖！
neithernor：没事，砖头来的越大越好：）谢谢了！！！还有，那个例子我本来想写啤酒节的，汗，不知道正确的用法......

esmeiras: 月饼的例子我会改过，改成老外第一次吃月饼时如何？

esmeirasUID: 202885

neithernor,别误会啊, 我是很惊讶你会这么仔细地拍啦! 向你学习呢!

esmeirasUID: 202885

neithernor,  我也写了这一篇,不过角度有些不同,有空也请帮我拍拍啦 :) 谢谢!

有详细提纲

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