ISSUE131 又是一个晚上才磨出来，快绝望了！！

duckyl35UID: 201612

131"The arts (painting, music, literature, etc.) reveal the otherwise hidden ideas and impulses of a society."

      The speaker assets that the arts is the way to reveal the otherwise hidden ideas and impulses of a society. While I agree with the speaker because it is true that to some extent, the arts really expose the otherwise unseen ideas and impulses of a society, but there still has other ways to express our thoughts which the speaker neglects.
As the speaker cites, in the fields of arts, we can express our thoughts and feelings well, no matter happiness, sadness, anger etc. Then a famous painter comes to my mind-Picasso, who had experienced the Spanish Civil War, the First World War also the Second World War. As a painter, paintings were his weapon against the war. In his inner heart, human peace was the most important thing, but as a common person, he had no power to fight against the enemy, then the art became the only expression of his anger and condemnation of Franco and Fascists those who hated by peaceful longing civilians. However, the same is in music. During the slavery time, all slaves were forced to do heavy work in the farm no matter day or night, freedom was the only desire but deprived by white people, then a kind of music was born-black music which was used to weaken their tire and bring happiness to them while also convey their dissatisfaction to those unfair slavery  system. However when it comes to the field of literature, which is also can illustrate my opinion well. For example, the famous and popular American humorist, writer and lecturer-Mark Twain, who has been honored as ‘Lincoln in the field of literature’ by nowadays critics is a paragon. One of well-known American writers William Faulkner wrote he was “the first truly American writer, and all of us since are his heirs”. Mark Twain can win so highly reputation and admire all because he can express the real American world in his works no matter election or racial discrimination at that time.
  All above mentioned can demonstrate that the arts is the way to reveal the other hidden ideas and impulses of a society, however, we can not neglect other methods which have the same function. In contemporary society, all our nations have systematic legislation. If we have any different suggestion or advice which is beneficial to our nation, we can express our thoughts by a new legislation. In modern times, every resident has freedom of speech, that is to say they can express their minds freely-a way improves their life in every aspects. Except all that, in this era-the development of technology and information accelerates rapidly, media and internet has become a powerful weapon against unfair phenomenon of the society. All these methods can impulse our society effectively.
  To sum up, the arts can not be the only way to reveal the otherwise hidden ideas and impulses of a society, there also have too many other ways, which I have just mentioned.

  
:confused:

sebarinaUID: 2108158

The speaker assets拼写错误请先自己纠正 that the arts is the way to reveal the otherwise hidden ideas and impulses of a society. While I agree with the speaker because it is true that to some extent, the arts really expose the otherwise unseen ideas and impulses of a society, but there still has 这个语法错误太糟糕了吧~other ways to express our thoughts which the speaker neglects.

As the speaker cites, in the fields of arts, we can express our thoughts and feelings well, no matter happiness, sadness, anger etc. Then a famous painter comes to my mind-有点主观~Picasso, who had experienced the Spanish Civil War, the First World War also the Second World War. As a painter, paintings were his weapon against the war. In his inner heart, human peace was the most important thing, but as a common person, he had no power to fight against the enemy, then the art became the only expression of his anger and condemnation of Franco and Fascists those who hated语法错误~ by peaceful longing civilians. However, the same is in music. The same example exists in musicDuring the slavery time, all slaves were forced to do heavy work in the farm no matter despit of day or night, freedom was the only desire but deprived by white people, then a kind of music was born-black music which was used to weaken their tire and bring happiness to them while also convey 不能忍了~their dissatisfaction to those unfair slavery  system. However when it comes to the field of literature, which is also can illustrate my opinion well. For example, the famous and popular American humorist, writer and lecturer-Mark Twain, who has been honored as ‘Lincoln in the field of literature’ by nowadays critics is a paragon. One of well-known American writers William Faulkner wrote he was “the first truly American writer, and all of us since are his heirs”. Mark Twain can win so highly reputation and admire all because he can express the real American world in his works no matter election or racial discrimination at that time.
  All above mentioned can demonstrate that the arts is the way to reveal the other hidden ideas and impulses of a society, however, we can not neglect other methods which have the same function. In contemporary society, all our nations have systematic legislation. If we have any different suggestion or advice which is beneficial to our nation, we can express our thoughts by a new legislation. In modern times, every resident has freedom of speech, that is to say they can express their minds freely-a way improves their life in every aspects. Except all that, in this era-the development of technology and information accelerates rapidly, media and internet has become a powerful weapon against unfair phenomenon of the society. All these methods can impulse our society effectively.
  To sum up, the arts can not be the only way to reveal the otherwise hidden ideas and impulses of a society, there also have too many other ways, which I have just mentioned.

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可能严厉了一点~你的语法错误太多~自己要先读先改~没有word纠错也没关系，自己总是知道语法怎样使对的吧
后面没有详细改~觉得however表示大负小正，应该强调转折部分，段落分额就有问题了。
duckyl35还要努力哦！！
ps.你的例子还是很好的， 我的思维没有你的开阔~学习之

foreveraUID: 202035

131"The arts (painting, music, literature, etc.) reveal the otherwise hidden ideas and impulses of a society."

      The speaker assets that the arts is the way to reveal the otherwise hidden ideas and impulses of a society. While I agree with the speaker because it is true that to some extent, the arts really expose the otherwise unseen ideas and impulses of a society, but there still has other ways to express our thoughts which the speaker neglects.
As the speaker cites, in the fields of arts, we can express our thoughts and feelings well, no matter (including) happiness, sadness, anger etc. Then a famous painter (artist下同) comes to my mind-Picasso, who had experienced the Spanish Civil War, the First World War also the Second World War. As a painter, paintings were his weapon against the war. In his inner heart, human peace was the most important thing, but as a common person, he had no (physical) power to fight against the enemy, then the art became the only expression of his anger and condemnation of Franco and Fascists those who (were) hated by peaceful longing civilians. However(这里不是转折,应该用顺承连词), the same is in music. During the slavery time, all slaves were forced to do heavy work in the farm no matter day or night, freedom was the only desire but deprived by white people, then a kind of music was born-black music which was used to weaken their tire and bring happiness to them while also convey their dissatisfaction to those unfair slavery  system. However when it comes to the field of literature, which is also can illustrate my opinion well(语法错误,没有主句). For example, the famous and popular American humorist, writer and lecturer-Mark Twain, who has been honored as ‘Lincoln in the field of literature’ by nowadays critics is a paragon. One of well-known American writers William Faulkner wrote he was “the first truly American writer, and all of us since are his heirs”. Mark Twain can win so highly(high) reputation and admire(admiration) all because he can express the real American world in his works no matter election or racial discrimination at that time.
  All above mentioned can demonstrate that the arts is the way to reveal the other hidden ideas and impulses of a society,(这一句没有必要,与这段的内容没有关系) however, we can not neglect other methods which have the same function. In contemporary society, all our nations have systematic legislation(mature legislating system). If we have any (different删除) suggestion or advice which is beneficial to our nation, we can express our thoughts by a new legislation. In modern times, every resident has freedom of speech, that is to say they can express their minds freely-a way improves their life in every aspects. Except (for) all that, in this era-the development of technology and information accelerates rapidly, media and internet has become a powerful weapon against unfair phenomenon of the society. All these methods can impulse our society effectively.
  To sum up, the arts can not be the only way to reveal the otherwise hidden ideas and impulses of a society, there also have too many other ways, which I have just mentioned.


个人觉得问题还是比较多的,首先你首段BUT是重点,行文的重点也就应该在BUT的上面,第2段还是不错的,例子都不错,不过缺点连接和过渡,还有最后的分析总结.而BUT上的内容太少了,应该再补充一点内容和分析.最后结尾最好不要和开头太一样了,应该有所发展.

有些字句略微改了一下,你可以稍微借鉴一下.还可以用词典查一下,俺的也不是太确切的.

哈哈....很不客气的哦.....不过要加油了啊.....