argument172 G-89-互助社-8月10日同主题写作 请拍

jason0926UID: 200697

G-89-互助社-8月10日同主题写作
今天就交一篇吧,还有一篇是在不敢交上来
172.The Mozart School of Music should obviously be the first choice of any music student aware of its reputation. First of all, the Mozart School stresses intensive practice and training, so that students typically begin their training at a very young age. Second, the school has ample facilities and up-to-date professional equipment, and its faculty includes some of the most distinguished music teachers in the world. Finally, many Mozart graduates have gone on to be the best known and most highly paid musicians in the nation.

In this argument, the arguer concludes that any music student who aware of the reputation of the Mozart School of Music should first choose it. To support the conclusion, the arguer points out that students typically are trained at a very young age. In addition, the arguer indicates that the school has ample facilities and up-to-date professional equipment. Furthermore, the arguer asserts that many Mozart graduates have good status and reputation. However, this alone neither constitutes a logical argument in favor of the conclusion nor provides compelling support making the argument sound. The arguer ignores certain important concerns, which must be addressed to prove. In my point of view, the argument includes three flaws.

First of all, whether can have some effects on the development of children if they are trained at a very young age? For example, children may be used to follow the teachers' orders and suggestions so that they can not have their own views and imaginations. Moreover, can the old children which are not contacted to music at a very young age study the music in this school? we do not know how many children would like to study music in their young age, so if the school only recruit students who is very young, the extension of students' choice will be very limited.

In addition, can students use these up-to-date professional equipments optionally or whether it only was permitted for teachers’ using? Moreover, since some teachers are the most distinguished music teachers in the world, do they have enough time to teacher the students--maybe some of them usually have many social activities such as performing at different countries? Furthermore, are these teachers all conscientious? Because these students are little children and they may be indocile or piquant, the teachers, possibly, have no patience to teacher them.

Finally, the arguer claims that many Mozart graduates have gone on to be the best known and most highly paid musicians in the nation. However, not all graduates will be successful finally just like not every musician can become another Beethoven since the music depends on the genius and endeavor of a person. So studying in the Mozart School of Music does not mean a success and children and parents do not believe the effect of this school blindly.


To sum up, though the argument seems to be plausible, in fact, it is neither sound nor persuasive. Not only does it leave out such key issues, but also cites in the analysis the evidence, which does not lend strong support to what the arguer claim. To make the argument more convincing, the arguer should have to take the following conditions into consideration: explain what kind of people can study in this school; ensure that all students can use these up-to-date professional equipments. If the argument includes the given factors discussed above, it would have been more thorough and adequate.

polymathUID: 179557

!顶！

vickycy6UID: 2107893

我来改!:)

vickycy6UID: 2107893

In this argument, the arguer concludes that any music student who aware of the reputation of the Mozart School of Music should first choose it（题目的意思不是说学生意识到声誉哦）. To support the conclusion, the arguer points out that students typically are trained at a very young age. In addition, the arguer indicates that the school has ample facilities and up-to-date professional equipment. Furthermore, the arguer asserts that many Mozart graduates have good status and reputation. However, this （不是单单一个啊，不能用这句，直接说all these have several ….这样也简单，又节省了时间）alone neither constitutes a logical argument in favor of the conclusion nor provides compelling support making the argument sound. The arguer ignores certain important concerns, which must be addressed to prove. In my point of view, the argument includes three flaws.

First of all, whether （there can have some）can have some effects on the development of children if they are trained at a very young age? For example, children may be used to follow the teachers' orders and suggestions so that they can not have their own views and imaginations. Moreover, can the old children which (who) are not contacted to music at a very young age study the music in this school(文中不存在这个问题啊)? we do not know how many children would like to study music in their young age, so if the school only recruit students who is very young, the extension of students' choice will be very limited.（该段应强调作者的“首先”那句，本身就存在逻辑问题，强化训练，与年龄小没有联系）

In addition, can students use these up-to-date professional equipments optionally or whether it only was permitted for teachers’ using? Moreover, since some teachers are the most distinguished music teachers in the world, do they have enough time to teacher the students--maybe some of them usually have many social activities such as performing at different countries? Furthermore, are these teachers all conscientious? Because these students are little children and they may be indocile or piquant, the teachers, possibly, have no patience to teacher them.

Finally, the arguer claims that many Mozart graduates have gone on to be the best known and most highly paid musicians in the nation. However, not all graduates will be successful finally just like not every musician can become another Beethoven since the music depends on the genius and endeavor of a person（好！！）. So studying in the Mozart School of Music does not mean a success and children and parents do not believe the effect of this school blindly. 还可以说说他们是之后继续深造的结果，而非学校的因素。


To sum up, though the argument seems to be plausible, in fact, it is neither sound nor persuasive. Not only does it leave out such key issues, but also cites in the analysis the evidence, which does not lend strong support to what the arguer claim. To make the argument more convincing, the arguer should have to take the following conditions into consideration: explain what kind of people can study in this school; ensure that all students can use these up-to-date professional equipments. If the argument includes the given factors discussed above, it would have been more thorough and adequate.

首段和末段太长了，显得累最，完全可以少写的哦！另外错误还是要再找准一点
不知道我的建议对不对
见凉了:handshake:p

jason0926UID: 200697

嗯,多谢了!!!!会改进的,呵呵,首段和末段因为是模板就不想再改了,毕竟快考了,换的话可能会影响心情,呵呵