argument117 决战830拍砖组！狂拍啊！

bythewayUID: 2120441

限时失败，感觉废话太多，郁闷ing。。。。大家狂拍吧！
Argument117  
Topic:
The following is a memo from the business manager of Valu-Mart stores.
'Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores.'

Argument:
The arguer declared that the Valu-Mart stores should increase both the stocks of home office machines and office supplies in order to improve the profits of the office-supply departments. To support his perspective, the arguer provide us a "recent survey" showing that there is a new trend of to work at home, the proposition seems reasonable at the first glance, but as we probe into the process of his demonstration, we could hardly failed to feel doubtful of several logical flows.
First of all, the credibility of the survey is doubtable. In the essay, the arguer claim that " Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that...." we should be suspicious that by what kind of institution does the survey be executed? Is it a nation-wild professional social survey or just an entertainment of an amateurish club that kills a boring Saturday afternoon? If the case is the latter one, both the scale of participants and the selection procedure come out to doubtful. It is possible that only a minority of people get involve to the survey, or that there are more home-working fans in the block where the survey had taken place. Moreover, admitted that the survey is objectively designed and executed by a trustworthy professional group, how many participants eventually respond to the survey is still unknown. It is possible that only a minority of participants aired their view, which means that the " 70 percent of the respondents" could stand for quite a tiny proportion of the whole group, which further undermine the credibility of the survey. So we could see that the survey, which has been the main evidence of the arguer, is neither relevant nor convincing. The arguer has to provide more decidable details to reach a strong enough illustration.
  If we neglect the vital fallacies of the survey, we should also find it hard to accept the arguer's point of view. For that in case that there is really a trends to work at home, is that means a growing market of home office machines? Maybe people who take some of their work home prefer to take the part which do not require machinery assistants. For example, John could write his draft resolution paper at home and leave others like faxing, coping and printing work to the his office. In this case, John, a home-worker, is not possibly going to be a customer of printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. So the trend to work at home and the market side of the home office machines is not logically related. Just assume that the potential market of home office machines is indeed growing, there is still another question: Is the market large enough to support the present stores? Is the competition still too cruel despite the growing market? And, most importantly, does our office-supply departments have the predominant of technology, quality or reputation to beat its components? In other word, a bigger market does not promise a certain profit for any company, a further investigation of the market, competitors and the office-supply departments before the arguer could sweep out the doubt and ambiguity.
  Let us suppose once again that the store could make profit owing to the development of the market, the arguer again failed to mention the increased cost of purchasing office-supplies and home office machines. If the profit is not going to support the cost, the store would also by no means earn more by the arguer's advise.
In sum, before any real commercial actions are taken, the company has to better its evaluations of the situation of its markets, competitors and most importantly, the competency of their own, if the company wants to make out a profitable plan and avoid undesirable risks.

zhizhiUID: 2123761

The arguer declared that the Valu-Mart stores should increase both the stocks of home office machines and office supplies in order to improve the profits of the office-supply departments. To support his perspective, the arguer provide us a "recent survey" showing that there is a new trend of to work at home, the proposition seems reasonable at the first glance, but as we probe into the process of his demonstration, we could hardly failed to feel doubtful of several logical flows.(开头蛮好 呵呵)

First of all, the credibility of the survey is doubtable. In the essay, the arguer claim that " Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that...." we should be suspicious that by what kind of institution does the survey be executed? Is it a nation-wild professional social survey or just an entertainment of an amateurish club that kills a boring Saturday afternoon? If the case is the latter one, both the scale of participants and the selection procedure come out to doubtful. It is possible that only a minority of people get involve to the survey, or that there are more home-working fans in the block where the survey had taken place. （ 真强悍阿survey 算是被你批到极致了 呵呵 不过要是考试的话 为了节约时间 重点还是放在其他逻辑错误上 好像很多人都认为survey 相对比较次要一些 至少从逻辑上面应该不算重点）Moreover, admitted that the survey is objectively designed and executed by a trustworthy professional group, how many participants eventually respond to the survey is still unknown. It is possible that only a minority of participants aired their view, which means that the " 70 percent of the respondents" could stand for quite a tiny proportion of the whole group, which further undermine the credibility of the survey. So we could see that the survey, which has been the main evidence of the arguer, is neither relevant nor convincing. The arguer has to provide more decidable details to reach a strong enough illustration.（后面的部分很赞:)）

  If we neglect the vital fallacies of the survey, we should also find it hard to accept the arguer's point of view. For that in case that there is really a trends to work at home, is that means a growing market of home office machines? Maybe people who take some of their work home prefer to take the part which do not require machinery assistants. For example, John could write his draft resolution paper at home and leave others like faxing, coping and printing work to the his office. In this case, John, a home-worker, is not possibly going to be a customer of printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. So the trend to work at home and the market side of the home office machines is not logically related.（这个例子蛮不错的 感觉很有说服力） Just assume that the potential market of home office machines is indeed growing, there is still another question: Is the market large enough to support the present stores? Is the competition still too cruel despite the growing market? And, most importantly, does our office-supply departments have the predominant of technology, quality or reputation to beat its components? In other word, a bigger market does not promise a certain profit for any company, a further investigation of the market, competitors and the office-supply departments before the arguer could sweep out the doubt and ambiguity.（很充分！）
  Let us suppose once again that the store could make profit owing to the development of the market, the arguer again failed to mention the increased cost of purchasing office-supplies and home office machines. If the profit is not going to support the cost, the store would also by no means earn more by the arguer's advise.
（整体感觉很赞 层层逼近 从逻辑结构上讲 真的很不错 语言也挺好的 句子结构可能还需要改进 嗯 还是挺出色的 第一段里面可以删掉一些东西 毕竟考试时是限时的 :) ）
In sum, before any real commercial actions are taken, the company has to better its evaluations of the situation of its markets, competitors and most importantly, the competency of their own, if the company wants to make out a profitable plan and avoid undesirable risks.

bythewayUID: 2120441

呵呵，谢谢！咦， 咱都是8.26考哦。
不如以后咱结盟互拍吧，感觉我们水平比较相近，呵呵。

yxepochUID: 2124411

The following is a memo from the business manager of Valu-Mart stores.
'Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that they are required to take more work home with them from the workplace than they were in the past. Since Valu-Mart has not seen impressive sales in its office-supply departments in the past, we should take advantage of this work-at-home trend by increasing at all Valu-Mart stores the stock of home office machines such as printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. We will also increase stock of office supplies such as paper, pens, and staplers. With these changes, our office-supply departments will become the most profitable component of our stores.'

Argument:
The arguer declared that the Valu-Mart stores should increase both the stocks of home office machines and office supplies in order to improve the profits of the office-supply departments. To support his perspective(这个词似乎不恰当), the arguer provide(s) us a "recent survey" showing that there is a new trend of to work at home, the proposition seems reasonable at the first glance, but as we probe into the process of his demonstration, we could hardly failed to feel doubtful of several logical flows.(最后这一句是不通的吧)

First of all, the credibility of the survey is doubtable. In the essay, the arguer claim(时态要注意哦,你的文章里这样的错误还挺多的) that " Over 70 percent of the respondents to a recent survey reported that...." we should be suspicious that by what kind of institution does the survey be executed? Is it a nation-wild professional social survey or just an entertainment of an amateurish club that kills a boring Saturday afternoon? If the case is the latter one, both the scale of participants and the selection procedure come out to (be) doubtful. (其实我觉得这个部分可以不要,是什么组织组办的)It is possible that only a minority of people get involve(d) to(in) the survey, or that there are more home-working fans(fans is not proper) in the block where the survey had taken place. (我觉得这句不是很好)Moreover, admitted that the survey is objectively designed and executed by a trustworthy professional group, how many participants eventually respond to the survey is still unknown. It is possible that only a minority of participants aired (这个词是什么意思?)their view, which means that the " 70 percent of the respondents" could stand for quite a tiny proportion of the whole group, which further undermine the credibility of the survey. So we could see that the survey, which has been the main evidence of the arguer, is neither relevant nor convincing. The arguer has to provide more decidable details to reach a strong enough illustration.
(我觉得这段罗嗦了,可以大量地删,另外时态小错误较多,我没有一个个都改出来,比如少个s,少个d之类的,这可是闷亏啊,要注意哦)

If we neglect the vital fallacies of the survey, (这里最好是假设如上的猜疑都不存在,即survey 是值得相信的, 而不是忽略那些错误,否则就不严谨了)we should also find it hard to accept the arguer's point of view. For that in case that there is really a trends to work at home(这句话有点不通), is that means a growing market of home office machines? Maybe people who take some of their work home prefer to take the part which do not require machinery assistants. For example, John could write his draft resolution paper at home and leave others like faxing, coping and printing work to the his office(to his workmates好点吧). In this case, John, a home-worker, is not possibly going to be a customer of printers, small copy machines, paper shredders, and fax machines. So the trend to work at home and the market side of the home office machines is not logically related. Just assume that the potential market of home office machines is indeed growing, there is still another question: Is the market large enough to support the present stores? Is the competition still too cruel despite the growing market? And, most importantly, does(do) our office-supply departments have the predominant of technology, quality or reputation to beat its(our) components? In other word, a bigger market does not promise a certain profit for any company, a further investigation of the market, competitors and the office-supply departments before the arguer could sweep out the doubt and ambiguity.
我觉得论据可以集中讲几点,不一定要面面具到的,一是时间不够,第二看上去有点散
  Let us suppose once again that the store could make profit owing to the development of the market, the arguer again failed to mention the increased cost of purchasing office-supplies and home office machines. If the profit is not going to support the cost, the store would also by no means earn more by the arguer's advise.
(这一段相对上面两段就太单薄了,难免有点头重脚轻的味道,中和一下吧)

In sum, before any real commercial actions are taken, the company has to better its evaluations of the situation of its markets, competitors and most importantly, the competency of their own, if the company wants to make out a profitable plan and avoid undesirable risks.

总结两个最大的失误吧: 一是有点罗嗦,而是小错误不断,建议你在写文章的时候要细心一点哦,可以开着金山词霸写,看到红线出现就及时改正, 我就是这样纠正自己的语法错误的,还挺有效的

bythewayUID: 2120441

高手！ 多谢多谢！