【Dark_Tournament TOEFL-ibt作文小组angelmuziflyer第七次作业

angelmuziflyerUID: 2548676

第七次作业：Do you agree with the following statement: nowadays people spend too much time on personal enjoyment –things they like to do—rather than the things they should do.

When my friend Lily took TOEFL examination the first time, last year, she failed seriously. The most significant reason to account for her failure is because she loves reading but hates speaking and she just prepared reading as much as possible, on the contrary , barely speaking. The major number of people act similar as Lily did, which, making great opportunities lost. I strongly agree with the statement that people spend more time on personal enjoyment than things they should do.

Obviously, we perform better in what we appreciate due to interest enhancing the potential ability of us, as a result, we choose things which delight us instead of things what we should do. Some students are addicted into on-line games all day long because of the irritation and fun, without enough time spent on the right thing, study, they can hardly pass the examination. Some businessmen are so eager for the profit that they are indifferent to the quality even intentionally replacing the good with the bad. Some government officers are indulged in the power and finance benefit the pose offers. Corrupting arbitrarily, they forget about the responsibility and laws. These people clearly understand what they should do but refuse to do it.

We ordinary people, Admit or not, would rather spend a great deal of time on things we enjoy but things of our responsibility. Sometimes, it is not too late until we realize what we should do. that is also the reason why students always finish their homework the last day of the vacation.

As the saying goes, the difference between genius and ordinary people is whether or not can you persevere on what you should do. We are eager for success, but seldom follow the golden policy. Imagine how harmorious our society will be if everyone can bear things what the should do.

It is a pity that numerous people do what they should do, or the world would have a quite different face.

angeloolUID: 166036

Do you agree with the following statement: nowadays people spend too much time on personal enjoyment –things they like to do—rather than the things they should do.

When my friend Lily took TOEFL examination for the first time, last year, she failed seriously. The most significant reason to that accounts for her failure is because she loves reading but hates speaking and she just prepared reading as much as possible, on the contrary , barely speaking. The major number of people act similarly as Lily did, which, making makes great numbers of opportunities lost. I strongly agree with the statement that people spend more time on personal enjoyment than things they should do.

Obviously, we perform better in what we appreciate due to interest enhancing the potential ability of us and, as a result, we choose things which delight us instead of things what we should do. Because Ssome students are addicted into on-line games all day long because of the irritation and fun, without enough time spent on the right thing, study, they can hardly pass the examination. Some businessmen are so eager for the profit that they are indifferent to the quality even intentionally replacing the good with the bad. Some government officers are indulged in the power and finance benefit the pose offers. Corrupting arbitrarily, they forget about the responsibility and laws(感觉这个表达不地道). These people clearly understand what they should do but refuse to do it.(这个例子感觉有一点点跑题，作者自己体会吧。J)

We ordinary people, Admit or not, would rather spend a great deal of time on things we enjoy but things of our responsibility. Sometimes, it is not too late until we realize what we should do. that is also the reason why students always finish their homework the last day of the vacation.（没有具体的论述，那个是否too late的论述及例子感觉和论题没有任何相关性）

As the saying goes, the difference between genius and ordinary people is whether or not can（这个can是否应该提前？） you persevere on what you should do. We are eager for success, but seldom follow the golden policy. Imagine how harmorious our society will be if everyone can bear things what the should do.

It is a pity that numerous people do what they should do, or the world would have a quite different face.（这样的结论段太另类了，呵呵。J）
小评：
1.
作者的一些用于还有待商榷，再增加复杂度的同时应该注意一些小语法问题；
2.
本文的分论点不明确，最关键的是所举的例子大多数都很诡异，作者可以把每一个例子挑出来看看是否能支持自己的分论点；
3.
不应花大量篇幅在论述该干什么上，因为题目是说”是否”而不是说”是否应该”。
4.
不同观点相互探讨，可以pm我。J

angelmuziflyerUID: 2548676

2# angelool 呵呵，谢谢哈~很受用，因为限时写的，自己写完也觉得挺垃圾的~~共同进步~~

angeloolUID: 166036

3# angelmuziflyer

哈哈，共同进步啦。:)

水龙娃娃UID: 2359238

When my friend Lily took TOEFL examination the first time, last year, she failed seriously. The most significant reason to account for her failure is because she loves reading but hates speaking and she just prepared reading as much as possible, on the contrary , barely speaking. The major number of people act similar as Lily did, which(which在这里做什么成分呢？句子的结构有点问题), making great opportunities lost. I strongly agree with the statement that people spend more time on personal enjoyment than things they should do.（这一段的开头的例子用的并不是太贴切，比较牵强）

Obviously, we perform better in what we appreciate due to interest（in）enhancing the potential ability of us,（这里应该是句号吧。） as a result, we choose things which delight us instead of things what we should do. Some students are addicted into on-line games all day long because of the irritation and fun, without enough time spent（spending enough time） on the right thing, study, （这里没有连接词，两个句子不能连城一个句子）they can hardly pass the examination. Some businessmen are so eager for the profit that they are indifferent to the quality even intentionally replacing the good with the bad. Some government officers are indulged in the power and finance benefit the pose offers. Corrupting arbitrarily, they forget about the responsibility and laws. These people clearly understand what they should do but refuse to do it.（enjoyment作为表示use or benefits的用法不太常见，开头明确一下，use和benefit也是一种enjoyment，例如～～【加上你举的那几个例子】，逻辑的紧密性就会好很多。）

We ordinary people, Admit or not, would rather spend a great deal of time on things we enjoy but things of our responsibility. Sometimes, it is not too late until we realize what we should do. that is also the reason why students always finish their homework the last day of the vacation.

As the saying goes, the difference between genius and ordinary people is whether or not can you（whether后不用倒装吧，直接 you can就可以了） persevere on what you should do. We are eager for success, but seldom follow the golden policy. Imagine how harmorious（你是想说和谐么？harmonious） our society will be if everyone can bear things what the should do.

It is a pity that numerous people do what they should do, or the world would have a quite different face.（结尾怎么跟开头正好反着。。。。。）

总的来说，这篇文章完成的不是太好，可能也是限时的原因。
1.句子的运用不是很熟练，有些地方不注意连接或是句子的完整性。有人为想加长的嫌疑。。建议模仿一些经典用于作文的长句。
2.本篇开头的观点很明了，很好。但是其后的逻辑结构不是很清晰，勉强只有两个分论点，后一个并没有充分的论证。同时列举的例子跟论点的关系也不是太紧密。
作者这篇文章如果是想要修改好，应该是需要比较大的变动及调整。
angelmuziflyer加油～

angelmuziflyerUID: 2548676

恩恩谢谢谢谢！！我写完也吐得一塌糊涂啊，会好好努力的！ 5# 水龙娃娃