toefl2009_cracking ibt 写作小组_wangxinfei_第九次作业

wangxinfeiUID: 2633557

we are now living in a wonderful world abounding with various and fantastic things, contrast with ancient era,we obtain more opportunities to discover the world of miracles, and these glory of world are all result from the big changes that happened in the 20th century , so there must be some great revolutions we must keep in our memory.


firstly,in my opinion,the greatest invention maybe is the computer and relative internet, it brings a whole new world in the manner of electric ,since the dissemination of mature technology of computer science, it become more and more easier for us to acquire the knowledge about outside world, for example, to look for the document files about the history of Japan, i can search and restore them on computer and there is no need to put our head in the numerous books in library and spend lots of time on taking notes.


secondly,the remarkable changes in medicine also  make effects on our world, the most obvious benefit is we can treat more diseases and the fact also prove this , we have saved more lifes with the developing medical technology, for instance ,in the old time ,a lot of people were suffering the pain of cancer, but in now days, we can partly control this terrorable diease and reduce the patients' affliction, though we can't absolutely conquer cancer now, but it's obvious progressed than before.


thirdly,the revolution of transport terms brings us a more quicking trip,and because of time saving, it apparently improves the efficiency of our working and living. give a simple example, if i was still in 17th century,maybe i won't had the chance to travel the world outside my town because travelling was only richman's privilege ,but now, thanks to the developed transport system,i can enjoy the campus life 500km away from home.


so ,all in conclusion,20th century had brought us a amazing access to the wonderful world, there borned lots of useful invention that greatly changed our world and life ,such as comupter,medicine techology,planes,and so on.

zhuyongchaochaoUID: 2616114

we are now living in a wonderful world abounding with （ 固定搭配 be aboundant in ) various and fantastic things. in contrast with ancient era,we obtain more opportunities to discover the world full of miracles, and these glory of world( the world's glories) are all result from the big changes that happened in the 20th century ,   so there must be some great revolutions we must keep in our memory.
     
    firstly,in my opinion,the greatest invention maybe去掉 is the computer and relative internet, it （ which )brings a whole new world in the manner of electric . Since the dissemination of mature technology of computer science, it becomes more and more easier for us to acquire the knowledge about outside world, for example, to look for the document files about the history of Japan, i can search and restore them on computer and there is no need to put(bury) our head in the numerous books in library and spend lots of time on taking notes.
   主题句宣明，还可以把例证更详细充分。网络让人们之间的联系更频繁更方便等。


    secondly,the remarkable changes in medicine also  make effects on our world, the most obvious benefit is we can treat more diseases and the fact also prove this , we have saved more lifes with the developing medical technology, for instance ,in the old time ,a lot of people were suffering the pain of cancer, but in now days, we can partly control this terriable diease and reduce the patients' affliction, though we can't absolutely conquer cancer now, but it's obvious progressed than before.
    以医药作为例子很好，但是例证不充分，建议以实例展开，如：人均寿命随医疗技术怎样变？身体素质怎样？
    不要一逗到底！！


    wthirdly,the revolution of transport terms brings us a more quicking trip,and because of time saving, it apparently improves the efficiency of our working and living. give a simple example, if i was still in 17th century,maybe i won't had the chance to travel the world outside my town because travelling was only richman's privilege ,but now, thanks to the developed transport system,i can enjoy the campus life 500km away from home.
    交通工具变革是另一项重要科技技术。缺少具体例子的支持，较空洞。如写有什么样的交通工具？在什么地方比较的方便？为为什么受人喜欢？最大的优点是什么？


     all in conclusion,20th century had brought us an amazing access to the wonderful world, there borned lots of useful invention (there are lots of useful inventions born) that greatly changed our world and life ,such as comupter,medicine techology,planes,and so on.
     优点：文章开头用的两个句式很好，三个论点有代表性，句式丰富，语言较流畅。
     缺点：1 不要一逗到底，注意大小写，否则扣分多。
              2 每个段落的主旨都没有充分展开，支持的例证过少，导致文章字数过少。大毛病！改！
                 建议多看范文，借鉴别人是怎样详细展开叙述观点的。平时多积累，多看机经看提纲。
     加油，xingfei~

lingyao1UID: 2467525

1# wangxinfei

1.第一段很棒，我能留下吗

2.楼主好像翻了低级失误楼上的没说，题目是要写one change

3.楼主在很多大词上极为有底蕴，affliction，abound with等等这些词在很多童鞋那里都是生僻写作词，但楼主真是逗号用到底啊，小词和转折句基本没有。however，nevertheless， on the other hand等类似转折词都没用。如果有时间，你可以去看看咱们小组“爱上秋刀鱼的猫”，她有很多连句我觉得很实用。

鞠躬～