0910AW 同主题写作第二期 ARGUMENT173 by [NI]wshp90

ecosoft2009UID: 2608344

ARGUMENT173
The following is a memorandum issued by the publisher of a newsmagazine, Newsbeat, in the country of Dinn.

'Our poorest-selling magazine issues over the past three years were those that featured international news stories on their front covers. Over the same period, competing news-magazines have significantly decreased the number of cover stories that they devote to international news. Moreover, the cost of maintaining our foreign bureaus to report on international news is increasing. Therefore, we should decrease our emphasis on international news and refrain from displaying such stories on our magazine covers.'

    In this argument, the author concludes that the emphasis on international news and displaying such stories on the magazine covers lead to the poor-selling magazine issues. To support this conclusion, the arguer points out three reasons. At first glance, the author's reasoning seems to be appealing, while clearly examining the author's reasoning, we may find that it is unconvincing . The argument contains several facets that are questionable.
     First of all, the argument doesn't tell us that how much the cover stories count in the process of selling. If it's not the main factor, then the international stories cannot contribute to the poor-selling. Besides, there are many other factors which can influence the selling, such as the unemployment ratio, the international environment and the selling strategy. Also we do not know the whole scope selling status in the past three years.  
     Second, the fact that the competing magazine decrease the number of international story covers does not imply that the action is suitable for us. It is possible that they decreased just by the lack of fund, commercial transformation and the like. Also, the result of their decreseing is unknown. In addition, their status is not as same as us. Even if they get great profit from this reform, we do not always got the same feedback as we assumed.
     Finally, the arguer hints that the foreign bureaus' funding is increasing , but he fails to analyze the causes. Is it because they speed the funds in an irrational way or because there are too many employees in these institutions ? Also, he fails to concern the profits they get from these departments.
     To sum up, the conclusion lacks credibility because the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the arguer maintains. To strengthen the argument, the arguer would have to provide more evidence concerning the international story covers' infullences.

大洋彼岸之风UID: 2644427

OK了

wshp90UID: 2509845

小女不才～  初改作文，，水平有限，还希望多多指教哦！！   


ARGUMENT173
The following is a memorandum issued by the publisher of a newsmagazine, Newsbeat, in the country of Dinn.

'Our poorest-selling magazine issues over the past three years were those that featured international news stories on their front covers. Over the same period, competing news-magazines have significantly decreased the number of cover stories that they devote to international news. Moreover, the cost of maintaining our foreign bureaus to report on international news is increasing. Therefore, we should decrease our emphasis on international news and refrain from displaying such stories on our magazine covers.'   


In this argument, the author concludes that the emphasis on international news and displaying such stories on the magazine covers lead to the poor-selling magazine issues. To support this conclusion, the arguer points out three reasons. At first glance, the author's reasoning seems to be appealing, while clearly examining the author's reasoning, we may find that it is unconvincing . The argument contains several facets that are questionable.(是不是有一点模板化？实质性的内容应该多一些？）
     First of all, the argument doesn't tell us that how much the cover stories count in the process of selling. If it's not the main factor, then the international stories cannot contribute to the poor-selling. Besides, there are many other factors which can influence the selling, such as the unemployment ratio, the international environment and the selling strategy. Also we do not know the whole scope selling status in the past three years.（这段不错哈，，向你学习）  
     Second, the fact that the competing magazine decrease the number of international story covers does not imply that the action is suitable for us. It is possible that they decreased just by the lack of fund, commercial transformation and the like. Also, the result of their decreseing is unknown. In addition, their status is not as same as us. Even if they get great profit from this reform, we do not always got the same feedback as we assumed.（这段也很好，学习！）
     Finally, the arguer hints that the foreign bureaus' funding is increasing , but he fails to analyze the causes. Is it because they speed the funds in an irrational way or because there are too many employees in these institutions ? Also, he fails to concern the profits they get from these departments.[/color]（这是否能多说一点……）
     To sum up, the conclusion lacks credibility because the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the arguer maintains. To strengthen the argument, the arguer would have to provide more evidence concerning the international story covers' infullences. [/color]（建议再详细提下，，，）

字数上再多一点 内容上在充实一下…………大家共同努力啊！！

彩虹沙漠UID: 2328322

小女不才～  初改作文，，水平有限，还希望多多指教哦！！   


ARGUMENT173
The following is a memorandum issued by the publisher of a newsmagazine, Newsbeat, in the country of Dinn.

'Our poorest- ...
wshp90 发表于 2009-5-31 18:49

弱问一下，这个同主题写作是不是谁都可以参加啊？我目前还没加入小组，是个散兵。按照题目要求也写了篇作文。是不是发上去就可以了。是会有人改的吧？

LovellaUID: 2616552

来迟了，道歉！
In this argument, the author concludes that the emphasis on international news and displaying such stories on the magazine covers lead to the poor-selling magazine issues. To support this conclusion, the arguer points out three reasons（仅仅只说了有三个原因，最好要概括性展开）. At first glance, the author's reasoning seems to be appealing, while clearly examining the author's reasoning, we may find that it is unconvincing（有些啰嗦了） . The argument contains several facets that are questionable.

     First of all, the argument doesn't tell us that how much the cover stories count in the process of selling. If it's not the main factor, then the international stories cannot contribute to the poor-selling. Besides, there are many other factors which can influence the selling, such as the unemployment ratio, the international environment and the selling strategy. Also we do not know the whole scope selling status in the past three years.  （逻辑错误找了，但是具体的论证都只是点到为止，Argu和issue注重的都是position和evidence，对于列举他因和加条件讨论部分要深入，显示出自己的思想才行）

     Second, the fact that the competing magazine decrease the number of international story covers does not imply that the action is suitable for us. It is possible that they decreased just by the lack of fund, commercial transformation and the like. Also, the result of their decreseing is unknown. In addition, their status is not as same as us（ours吧，小miss呵呵）. Even if they get great profit from this reform, we do not always got the same feedback as we assumed.（总体还行，同上）

     Finally, the arguer hints that the foreign bureaus' funding is increasing , but he fails to analyze the causes. Is it because they speed the funds in an irrational way or because there are too many employees in these institutions ? Also, he fails to concern the profits they get from these departments.（这一段就更加简略了，只有模板型的话而不能充分体现思想）

     To sum up, the conclusion lacks credibility because the evidence cited in the analysis does not lend strong support to what the arguer maintains. To strengthen the argument, the arguer would have to provide more evidence concerning the international story covers' infullences.
（把简略发挥到极致了，呵呵~~~）

第一篇嘛，模板的使用不会是主要的问题（23楼的作文有我主要对模板方面的建议哈），现在主要问题是，其实可以看出来作者的思路是有主线的，而且有些地方若能深挖下去思想还是挺不错的，主要就是像填空写作法似的只把面上的东西都摆出来了，而让人看不到深度是怎么思考的，哪些更多的例子可以支持你的攻击，这也造成篇幅太少啦~思想，思想，挖地三尺。。。。。一起加油！