0910AW 同主题写作第六期 ISSUE157 by Cs --- 批改DONE by irvine666

CsGREUID: 2646186

TOPIC: ISSUE157 - "There is no such thing as purely objective observation. All observation is subjective; it is always guided by the observer's expectations or desires."

提纲：
1.引入
2.人类的认知总是有限的，在对未知的探索时难免过于激动，急于下结论，科学界就不断有各种理论的进步随着科技带来的认知进步而进步。
3.人天生就带着感情，不可避免。同时一般人的描述总是有点目的。
4.综述
5.（后来补的。。可能啥都不沾边了。。）主观让世界精彩。
（其实是想到科学达到完美就失去意义了。。结果瞎写了一段= =）
感觉。。。好像偏题了。。。汗。。。。。。


We all share the experience in describing objects like an apple in our childhood. Not only should we describe the apple, but too often, we were encouraged by our parents to distinguish an apple form a pine. Based on the pictures and our little knowledge about a few apples, we may assert an apple as "round, red, sweet", a pine, on the contrary, as "not round, yellow, watery". Such description evolves alongside our understanding of the world. Today, as was shown in a "describing-and-guessing" test, one described an apple to his spouse as "fruit, Newton-related, what you like most".

This is not typical. As the young are growing all the way from self-centered mentalist to society-concerned materialism, together as scientists conclude the growth of one as a microscopic view of all human evolution, thus even when one is mature enough, s/he may be less subjective with the growing of understanding, which is however still distant from objective, even when considering in fields of expert and ordinary people.

In the academic fields, scientists are trying to get themselves totally objective. Many of us may still remember the exploding news from Nature that dinosaurs' DNA chains successfully acquired from in petrified eggs. Questioned by tides of scientists, it turned out that the writer gave hasty generalization from a group of eggs which may be infected by bacteria through the porous structures of eggshell. Because human's understanding to the whole world is limited by the short life and finite energy, scientists who give a conclusion through a set of typical experiments can not be all right in the observation. They may be too exhaling to discover such big Discovery that when doing later experiments they already inclined to test the result rather than to challenge it.
To their despair, it is such the exciting outcomes that make them fall at those eggshell porosity. Fortunately, we are accompanied by excellent colleagues, and armed with technology helping provide data for improvements. All along the way, those wrong and limited theories set the base stone for human evolution to go one step further. From the earth-centered to sun-centered and to now the whole scope of Milk Galaxy, it comes to our knowledge of the nearly subjective structure constructing on the basis of Newton Laws. Science is know to tell truth, but the truth is to be testified and modified for many years no matter how they are closely to truth, the limited knowledge should be fulfilled through time. There could always be unknown counterexamples.

Meanwhile in our daily life, the observations are done in a manner for some reason. When something unknown like the circles in cornfield came into the view, everyone nearby seemed knew some details, they assumed the circles made by ET with then they showed the "proof" as some blast of wind and a burst of sounds or any other phenomenon. Same stories happened in Nessy. Even now we proved the artificial process in the photo and by-catching all the lake, there are still rumors around world about the experience of water monsters. Frightened to the hidden power, one may connect some scenes to imagination without awareness. By describing the stories, in a trail to communicate through an impressive way, people frequently use words about their own feelings that cause the observation to be more of personal and subjective.

Admittedly, the observation, especially done by experts, is wanted to be factual. The problem is our confined knowledge and the infinite emotions. We are curious, frightened, misery, desperate or crazy about observing. We want to communicate with all these things and feelings to others. We can not reach the status of totally objective since limited knowledge and all the emotions related to the unknown, and also because the purpose we want to reach through it.

One day in the future, the pure objectiveness could be reached through the computer programming, judging all with only right and wrong, without any mediation. But is it a misery of humanity? Subjectiveness makes us particular in this world and enlivens us with so many colorful ideas. Objectiveness is what we are chasing for, but it is never what we can achieve.

irvine666UID: 2575525

1# CsGRE

TOPIC: ISSUE157 - "There is no such thing as purely objective observation. All observation is subjective; it is always guided by the observer's expectations or desires."

提纲：
1.引入
2.人类的认知总是有限的，在对未知的探索时难免过于激动，急于下结论，科学界就不断有各种理论的进步随着科技带来的认知进步而进步。
3.人天生就带着感情，不可避免。同时一般人的描述总是有点目的。
4.综述
5.（后来补的。。可能啥都不沾边了。。）主观让世界精彩。
（其实是想到科学达到完美就失去意义了。。结果瞎写了一段= =）
感觉。。。好像偏题了。。。汗。。。。。。

从提纲上来看，你应该是选择的赞成立场，提出因为种种原因SUBJECTIVE不可避免；但是第二条里面“急于下结论和知识进步”，第一眼看来貌似和题目里面的主观和客观矛盾没有什么特别的联系，当然也有可能是你的新想法，具体到文章中再看你的解释是否足够清晰。
至于最后一段话，其实可以看作延伸性评论，虽然这段话本身是和题目无关的，但是可以使你的文章更加顺畅和完善，因此并非是绝对意义上的偏题。然而值得注意的是，不要写起劲了让延伸性评论抢了综合性评论的风头，不然就是真的偏题了。

We all share the experience in describing objects like an apple（额...单复数问题） in our childhood. Not only should we describe the apple, but too often, we were encouraged by our parents to distinguish an apple form a pine. Based on the pictures and our little knowledge about a few apples, we may assert an apple as "round, red, sweet", a pine（这是pear吧，pine是松树...）, on the contrary, as "not round, yellow, watery". Such description evolves alongside our understanding of the world. Today, as was shown in a "describing-and-guessing" test, one described an apple to his spouse as "fruit, Newton-related, what you like most". （我想你应该是很喜欢背景式开头，因此第一段想通过一个描述来引入你的论述，但是不幸的是，你在这整整一段话当中都没有提出你的任何观点出来，也就是说，这一段暂时和题目是没有啥联系的，这么大一段话在rater眼中，应该算是白写了。）

This is not typical. As the young are growing all the way from self-centered mentalist to society-concerned materialism, together as scientists conclude the growth of one as a microscopic view of all human evolution, thus even when one is mature enough, s/he may be less subjective with the growing of understanding, which is however still distant from objective, even when considering in fields of expert and ordinary people.

这一句话，够长，但是不够直白。从平铺直叙小孩慢慢长大的变化，然后又谦虚了一下虽然他们会变得不太subjective才说however distant from objective，最后还要让步一下even though...我估计你是为了表达你的说法足够客观，足够全面，然而这种软绵绵的全文TS句，实在是无法给读者留下什么好的印象。通常来说，ETS的RATER大概只有3-5分钟左右的时间要读完你的全文，但是直到120多个字以后，他才能看到这种及其隐晦的全文主旨句，是不利于他快速把握你的文章结构从而得出初步评分印象的。换言之就是：论述太罗嗦，语言太谨慎。ISSUE的文风和ARGUMENT截然不同，和GRE阅读的文风也是不同的：你只需要强硬简洁的说服读者就行了，RATER完全不会关心你的说法是否足够客观面面俱到，因此也就没有必要行文如此小心翼翼。

=======================================================================
我的建议是把这两段话合成一段话，把第一段内容直接浓缩成一句话的背景比如(供参考)：Even in our childhood, some immature subjective obervation is utilized in our daily lives to distinguish one thing from another. As the young are growing...
然后把第二段那些瞻前顾后的话都可以砍掉，用强硬的描述来点出你的全文主题：thus when one is mature enough，s/he still uses his/her knowledge in special region, along with his/her subjective judgment, to describe and interpret certain nature phenomenon.
最后来个更强硬和直接的总结，提出你的文章主题：So it is subjective observation -- not objective one -- that makes up the system of human cognition.
或许你不一定喜欢这种写法，但是从拿高分的角度来说，这种写法才是最有效的。
=======================================================================

In the academic fields, scientists are trying to get themselves totally objective. Many of us may still remember the exploding news from Nature that dinosaurs' DNA chains successfully acquired from in petrified eggs. Questioned by tides of scientists, it turned out that the writer gave hasty generalization from a group of eggs which may be infected by bacteria through the porous structures of eggshell. Because human's understanding to the whole world is limited by the short life and finite energy, scientists who give a conclusion through a set of typical experiments can not be all right in the observation. They may be too exhaling to discover such big Discovery that when doing later experiments they already inclined to test the result rather than to challenge it. To their despair, it is such the exciting outcomes that make them fall at those eggshell porosity. Fortunately, we are accompanied by excellent colleagues, and armed with technology helping provide data for improvements. All along the way, those wrong and limited theories set the base stone for human evolution to go one step further. From the earth-centered to sun-centered and to now the whole scope of Milk Galaxy, it comes to our knowledge of the nearly subjective structure constructing on the basis of Newton Laws. Science is know to tell truth, but the truth is to be testified and modified for many years no matter how they are closely to truth, the limited knowledge should be fulfilled through time. There could always be unknown counterexamples.

整段话给我的感觉不像是在论述科学研究中的主观和客观的偏重哪...倒像是在论述科学发展观...

首先是恐龙DNA那个例子，是一个典型的因为考虑欠周而得出错误推论的研究反例，尤其是这句陈述：scientists who give a conclusion through a set of typical experiments can not be all right in the observation.将读者引向了一个科学结论中“right & wrong”的话题。

段落中间的小结：They may be too exhaling to discover such big Discovery that when doing later experiments they already inclined to test the result rather than to challenge it.看起来更像是为了说明大多数实验结果不正确是因为实验者无法保持冷静和清醒，硬要说和subjective observation有联系的话，就只有incline这一个词略有那么点感觉，显然过于牵强了。

然后是下一句话：it comes to our knowledge of the nearly subjective structure constructing on the basis of Newton Laws.很明显，你强调的是our knowledge constructing on the basis of Newton Laws, 而非subjective structure.

感觉你是希望行文达到一种境界：“不明确的提出objective或者subjective,但是读者读完段落以后，能够自然的理解你的观点是紧扣主题的”。想法很好，但是在本段的行文当中，却因为开始的例子发展的就有些偏导致发散的过远，最后话题拉不回来了，强行的扯了一些话回主题却为时已晚。

Meanwhile in our daily life, the observations are done in a manner for some reason. When something unknown like the circles in cornfield came into the view, everyone nearby seemed knew some details, they assumed the circles made by ET with then they showed the "proof" as some blast of wind and a burst of sounds or any other phenomenon. Same stories happened in Nessy. Even now we proved the artificial process in the photo and by-catching all the lake, there are still rumors around world about the experience of water monsters. Frightened to the hidden power, one may connect some scenes to imagination without awareness. By describing the stories, in a trail to communicate through an impressive way, people frequently use words about their own feelings that cause the observation to be more of personal and subjective.

这一段刚开始存在和上一段同样的问题，everyone nearby seemed knew some details, they assumed...这句话更多是为了表示“人是如何认知，解释自然现象的”。离开“objective & subjective observation”话题过于远了一些。
但是从Even now这句话开始，拉回主题就很成功，让人很清楚的理解到subjective observation到底是在你的理解当中是个什么玩意，有什么作用，为什么说无法避免。

Admittedly, the observation, especially done by experts, is wanted to be factual. The problem is our confined knowledge and the infinite emotions.（这句啥意思？） We are curious, frightened, misery, desperate or crazy about observing. We want to communicate with all these things and feelings to others. We can not reach the status of totally objective since limited knowledge and all the emotions related to the unknown, and also because the purpose we want to reach through it. （叙述的挺好）

One day in the future, the pure objectiveness could be reached through the computer programming, judging all with only right and wrong, without any mediation. But is it a misery of humanity? Subjectiveness makes us particular in this world and enlivens us with so many colorful ideas. Objectiveness is what we are chasing for, but it is never what we can achieve.（结尾很爽！如果开头也这么爽就更好了）

整篇文章来看，语言没问题了，语法也没问题，句式单一了些不过不是啥问题，最大的问题是控制你的思想颠簸的幅度。要知道即使ISSUE行文风格相对A来说更加发散，也不能离题过远。

CsGREUID: 2646186

完全服改。。
开头总想做到第一篇范文那种即背景又扣题的东西。。每次写都做不到。。只能松拉稀的给个看似相关的东西。。其实自己写的又不是很爽。。但就是找不到更好的改变方法。于是长期以来开头一直软绵绵的。。
看来要适当的考虑转型。。
强硬派。嗯。

后面那段科学的，实在是由于一个瞬间脑袋里蹦出无数个例子。。觉得太好说了就写飘了。。
而且想了想，应该放到后面一段。毕竟科学家也是有普通人感情的。

至于最后一段。。是改的时候加上去的。。早上用AW限时写了大半后急匆匆写完就去上课了。。所以前面的观点很散。。因为我没想好这题怎么写。。都是现想。。写到后来（大概把科学那段写了一半猜想清楚怎么写。。）。。

入题慢，语言不够强硬，句法单调。。嗯
感谢斑斑批改~我会在修改修改滴~~~
many many thx~~~~

442371236UID: 2636160

2# irvine666
其实文章是不错，也不乏很多小错误，像标点，还有单词的使用，像miserable写成了misery，还有就是有写词用得不怎么pertinent。