0910AW SPECTACULAR之【同主题写作】第五期ARGUMENT65 by wildrose800331

wildrose800331UID: 2602131

6. 14
6:05 a.m.
35 mins 457 words
The arguer, the president of a chain of American cheese stores, plans to stop stocking majority of imported cheese and focus on domestic cheeses instead. In support of this decision, the arguer elicits a fact of their newest store in which the five best-selling cheeses are all domestic ones. In addition, a recent survey is applied indicating a growing preference of one magazine subscribers for domestic cheeses. The conclusion reached in this argument, however, is hasty and incomplete.
First of all, a single annual sale of one store is hasty to justify chronicle trend or preference of consumers in all chain stores. As cited, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin last year. This citation does not include the geographic location of the newest store. Suppose it lies in Wisconsin, the cheeses produced there were fresher than other domestic ones due to less time allotted in transportation, let alone imported ones. If one core standard of consumers’ choice is freshness, the local people are apt to buy local production. Besides the geographic element, another factor is about the taste or flavor of the cheeses. If only the five cheeses are almond-flavored, while this kind of cheeses are the favorite ones for local people of the newest store. It is undoubted that they are top in the sales list. The advertising along with price is also an essential aspect. If commercial advertisement succeeds in informing and more importantly, convincing people of this five cheeses in the area of the newest store, people tend to buy these so-called reliable brands. Similarly, if the newest store promotes its sales by reducing the price dramatically for the five Wisconsin-made cheeses for a long period, there is no wonder people are likely to buy them.
Furthermore, a preference revealed by a recent survey of Cheeses of the World magazine is an incomplete evidence to prove the decision of the chain. Admittedly, the survey does indicate an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers, but the argument does not outline what kind of people the subscribers of the magazine are. In the case that the subscribers of Cheeses of the World magazine happen to be local people of the newest store, it is natural they would rather choose domestic cheeses than imported ones.
All in all, the conclusion of this argument is lack of its legitimacy and credibility. To make the relations of all chain stores and the newest one more tightened, the author need to list other key factors like geographic locations. To better evaluate the survey, it is necessary to identify the subscribers of the magazine and justify the subscribers are the customers or potential ones of the chain of cheese stores.

icyviolaUID: 2597126

一己之见，与楼主切磋，不妥之处多多指教。：）

The arguer, the president of a chain of American cheese stores, plans to stop stocking majority of imported cheese and focus on domestic cheeses instead. In support of this decision, the arguer elicits a fact (elicit a fact应该是引导别人讲出某事实的意思，在这里貌似不恰当，可用point out a fact) of their newest store in which the five best-selling cheeses are all domestic ones. In addition, a recent survey is applied indicating a growing preference of one magazine subscribers （subscribers of one magazine） for domestic cheeses. The conclusion reached in this argument, however, is hasty and incomplete.
First of all, a single annual sale of one store is hasty(上句话刚刚出现过，可否换个词，比如insufficient) to justify the chronicle trend (明白是什么意思，不过chronicle trend这个说法确切吗？)
or preference of consumers in all chain stores. As cited, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin last year. This citation does not include the geographic location of the newest store. Suppose it lies in Wisconsin, the cheeses produced there were fresher than other domestic ones due to less time allotted in transportation, let alone imported ones. If one core standard of consumers’ choice is freshness, the local people are apt to buy local production. (这一段的观点很赞！但我感觉貌似有个风险，就是local people prefer local production最终恰好支持了原文的结论。) Besides the geographic element, another factor is about the taste or flavor of the cheeses. If only the five cheeses are almond-flavored, while this kind of cheeses are the favorite ones for local people of the newest store. （貌似不应该用if only，是否就直接用if，然后和下一句合成一句。时态是不是应该和原文论述这个例子以及自己的上文相呼应，用were）It is undoubted that they are top in the sales list. The advertising along with price is also an essential aspect. If commercial advertisement succeeds in informing and more importantly, convincing people of this five cheeses in the area of the newest store, people tend to buy these so-called reliable brands. （这句话的观点很赞，受教！）Similarly, if the newest store promotes its sales by reducing the price dramatically for the five Wisconsin-made cheeses for a long period, there is no wonder people are likely to buy them. （这一段集中攻击一个论据，层层递进，读起来酣畅淋漓。不过作为first of all，感觉有点长，以致全文头重脚轻。本段开头点明a single annual sale of one store不足为证，似乎就暗示这段将围绕攻击时间和地理区域的代表性来展开。本段中已经涉及地理区域、口味<勉强也可归入一个地区的缘由中>、广告效应、降价等四个问题，后两个观点即使不在一个地区一家店里也是成立的，不妨另起段落论述。）
Furthermore, a preference revealed by a recent survey of Cheeses of the World magazine is an incomplete evidence to prove the decision of the chain.
（这句话比起上文的字字珠玑，显得没啥技术含量……仅仅是说啊这是个incomplete evidence，不妨和上文一样，把要批驳的核心在句首点出来。）Admittedly, the survey does indicate an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers, （这个admittedly也没啥技术含量……）
but the argument does not outline what kind of people the subscribers of the magazine are. In the case that the subscribers of Cheeses of the World magazine happen to be local people of the newest store, it is natural they would rather choose domestic cheeses than imported ones. （这个理由感觉很有问题，第一，这个survey result和sales of a newest store在原文中是作为两个分别的论据的，在批驳survey result时最好不要再把newest store之类牵扯进来，容易让人混淆。要证明杂志受众可能不具备代表性，有大把其他可能性可以列举，比如样本量不一定足够，比如杂志定位在某一个层面的受众等等。第二，为什么it is natural that local people of the newest store would rather choose domestic cheeses? 因为你上一段论述的观点？但那些仅仅是反驳前一个例证不够严密的可能性，并不能在这里直接就natural了，就一定了。）
All in all, the conclusion of this argument is lack of its legitimacy and credibility. To make the relations of all chain stores and the newest one more tightened, the author need to list other key factors like geographic locations. （感觉要把一个地区的一家新店和一个chain的总体情况联系在一起总是有点玄……是不是应该立足于参考更多家有代表性的店？）To better evaluate the survey, it is necessary to identify the subscribers of the magazine and justify the subscribers are the customers or potential ones of the chain of cheese stores.

最后，让我对楼主你在35min里面写出此篇顶礼膜拜一下！很显然你有不错的英文写作功底，而且没有受那些Argument模版的过度毒害，用词行文自然顺畅而没有生搬硬套的匠气。（相比之下，开头和结尾稍微平凡了一点。）细读此篇以后受教良多。：）

wildrose800331UID: 2602131

太谢谢你了  我是先受毒害 后被斑竹们解救出来的 我还是觉得不能模式化  偶也是老师 改作文有心得滴  偶会努力的  晚些发偶的修改稿哈 :loveliness:

wildrose800331UID: 2602131

The arguer, the president of a chain of American cheese stores, plans to stop stocking majority of imported cheese and focus on domestic cheeses instead. In support of this decision, the arguer points out a fact of their newest store in which the five best-selling cheeses are all domestic ones. In addition, a recent survey is applied indicating a growing preference of
subscribers of one magazine for domestic cheeses. The conclusion reached in this argument, however, is hasty and incomplete.
First of all, a single annual sale of one store is insufficient to justify the general consecutive trend or preference of consumers in all chain stores. As cited, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin last year. This citation does not include the geographic location of the newest store. Suppose it lies in Chicago where residents there like almond-flavor cheeses, and coincidently, only the five cheeses produced in Wisconsin were almond-flavored, it is undoubted that those five were top in the sales list.
Additionally, there are more considerations that should be taken. The advertising along with price is also an essential aspect. If commercial advertisement succeeded in informing and more importantly, convincing people of this five cheeses in the area of the newest store, people tended to buy these so-called reliable brands. Similarly, if the newest store promoted its sales by reducing the price dramatically for the five Wisconsin-made cheeses for a long period, there is no wonder people are likely to buy them.
Furthermore, a preference revealed in a recent survey of Cheeses of the World magazine is not a forceful evidence to prove the decision of the chain, since the survey does not outline what kind of people the subscribers of the magazine are. In the case that the subscribers the magazine reached mainly belonged to an upper class in a limited area, and these people choosing domestic cheeses only account for a tiny percentage of all cheese consumers, their preference means little to the decision for other stores all over the country.
All in all, the conclusion of this argument is lack of its legitimacy and credibility. To make the newest store more representative for the chain of all stores, the author need to list other key factors like geographic locations. To better evaluate the survey, it is necessary to identify the subscribers of the magazine and justify the subscribers are the customers or potential ones of the chain of cheese stores.

icyviolaUID: 2597126

改出不少好词好句呀。那个account for a tiny percentage，正是我不知道怎么表达精炼的地方，多谢。：）

wildrose800331UID: 2602131

改出不少好词好句呀。那个account for a tiny percentage，正是我不知道怎么表达精炼的地方，多谢。：）
icyviola 发表于 2009-6-14 22:27

大家一起进步嘛

qtangtangsUID: 2630008

The arguer, the president of a chain of American cheese stores, plans to stop stocking majority of imported cheese and focus on domestic cheeses instead. In support of this decision, the arguer points out a fact of their newest store in which the five best-selling cheeses are all domestic ones(这个地方我认为不要放大比较好，文章里面就是说的是cheddar cheese，不是domestic ones,而cheddar cheese是不能代表所有domestic 的，所以这里实际上是一个攻击点.). In addition, a recent survey is applied indicating a growing preference of
subscribers of one magazine for domestic cheeses. The conclusion reached in this argument, however, is hasty and incomplete.

First of all, a single annual sale of one store is insufficient to justify the general consecutive trend or preference of consumers in all chain stores. As cited, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin last year. This citation does not include the geographic location of the newest store. Suppose it lies in Chicago where residents there like almond-flavor cheeses, and coincidently, only the five cheeses produced in Wisconsin were almond-flavored, it is undoubted that those five were top in the sales list. (原因再多一点，blah blah blah…)

Additionally, there are more considerations that should be taken. The advertising along with price is also an essential aspect. If commercial advertisement succeeded in informing and more importantly, convincing(convince what?解释一下我觉得好些) people of this five cheeses in the area of the newest store, people tended to buy these so-called reliable(为什么一打广告就reliable了？是想说人们被广告骗了??) brands. Similarly, if the newest store promoted its sales by reducing the price dramatically for the five Wisconsin-made cheeses for a long period, there is no wonder people are likely to buy them.

Furthermore, a preference revealed in a recent survey of Cheeses of the World magazine is not a forceful evidence to prove the decision of the chain, since the survey does not outline what kind of people the subscribers of the magazine are. In the case that the subscribers the magazine reached mainly belonged to an upper class in a limited area, and these people choosing domestic cheeses only account for a tiny percentage of all cheese consumers, their preference means little to the decision for other stores all over the country.

All in all, the conclusion of this argument is lack of its legitimacy and credibility. To make the newest store more representative for the chain of all stores, the author need to list other key factors like geographic locations. To better evaluate the survey, it is necessary to identify the subscribers of the magazine and justify the subscribers are the customers or potential ones of the chain of cheese stores.

逻辑很清楚的，但是我还是觉得段落攻击的不充分，哪怕一个点攻击的充分也是很好的。

wildrose800331UID: 2602131

The arguer, the president of a chain of American cheese stores, plans to stop stocking majority of imported cheese and focus on domestic cheeses instead. In support of this decision, the arguer points out a fact of their newest store in which the five best-selling cheeses are all domestic cheddar cheese. In addition, a recent survey is applied indicating a growing preference of subscribers of one magazine for domestic cheeses. The conclusion reached in this argument, however, is hasty and incomplete. First of all, a single annual sale of one store is insufficient to justify the general consecutive trend or preference of consumers in all chain stores. As cited, the five best-selling cheeses at our newest store were all domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin last year. This citation does not include the geographic location of the newest store. Suppose it lies in Chicago where residents there like almond-flavor cheeses, and coincidently, only the five cheeses produced in Wisconsin were almond-flavored, it is undoubted that those five were top in the sales list. Moreover, mere data of sales last year count little for the trend of the newest store, needless to say all chain stores. If Chicago residents in vague begin to prefer exotic Greece cheese this year, the five cheese will not be well sold as they were last year. Additionally, there are more considerations that should be taken. The advertising along with price is also an essential aspect. If commercial advertisement succeeded in informing and more importantly, convincing people of (convince 的内容就是)this five cheeses in the area of the newest store, people tended to buy these so-called reliable(因为convince了啊?) brands. Similarly, if the newest store promoted its sales by reducing the price dramatically for the five Wisconsin-made cheeses for a long period, there is no wonder people are likely to buy them. Furthermore, a preference revealed in a recent survey of Cheeses of the World magazine is not a forceful evidence to prove the decision of the chain, since the survey does not outline what kind of people the subscribers of the magazine are. In the case that the subscribers the magazine reached mainly belonged to an upper class in a limited area, and these people choosing domestic cheeses only account for a tiny percentage of all cheese consumers, their preference means little to the decision for other stores all over the country. All in all, the conclusion of this argument is lack of its legitimacy and credibility. To make the newest store more representative for the chain of all stores, the author need to list other key factors like geographic locations. To better evaluate the survey, it is necessary to identify the subscribers of the magazine and justify the subscribers are the customers or potential ones of the chain of cheese stores. 小改了一下 看行不？