0910AW 同主题写作第五期 ARGUMENT65 by tmytgzzxy

tmytgzzxyUID: 2628459

The author recommends that all the stores should discontinue stocking many of the varieties of imported cheeses and concentrate primarily on domestic cheese in order to increase profits. To strengthen the conclusion, he cites the facts that the five-best selling cheeses at their new stores were all domestic cheddar cheese from Wisconsin(W) last year. Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine shows an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. And reducing the storage space can enhance the profits. The author’s recommendation seems to have many merits at the first glance, close scrutiny of the facts reveals that none of the reasons lend credible support to the conclusion.
First, the author’s conclusion bases on the known correlation between the high sales volume of domestic cheddar cheeses and the preference to them that the latter is attributable to, at least partly, to the former. However, there is no sufficient evidence to support this cause-and–effect relationship. Perhaps the domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin were just on sale for newly opening and were very cheap, so customs select it. If so, the sales volume would go down with the end of the sale promotion and then the author’s recommendation has no merit whatever.
Secondly, even if people’ choosing the domestic cheddar cheeses from W is due to their preference. The recommendation is based on what might be a false analogy between the newest store and all the other stores. The new stores might happen to locate in W or in some cities which closely connected with W, so people there prefer to the cheese from W, or the hauling charges is lower that the cheese from W is cheaper. however , other stores do not have the advantages. The place of the newest store might be different from others in culture, economic and the like. People there might be so patriotic that they prefer to the domestic cheese, however this does not represent people in other places. Unless the author provides evidence that all the factors relevant to sale of the newest stores and

the other stores are the same, the recommendation would be unconvincing.
Thirdly, the claim unfairly infers from the fact that all the domestic cheddar cheeses from W were in active demand last year that they are still the favorite this year. Absent evidence is to support this inference. Perhaps a patriotic movement just happened last year, which encouraged people to buy domestic cheese; or W is the hometown of a superstar who became famous last year that his fans prefer to the cheese from W. All the possibilities, if true, would serve to undermine the author’s conclusion.
Finally, the survey by the Cheeses of the World magazine is doubtful as well. The number and features of the respondent are not provided which makes the survey unconvinced. If few people participated the survey, the survey can not be representative. It is entirely possible that most of respondents are researchers of domestic cheeses, their preference is not typical anyway. Until the author substantiates the typicality of the survey I would remain unconvinced.
To sum up, the author’s recommendation is logically flawed and unconvincing as it stands. To bolster the conclusion the author should provide sufficient evidence-the high sales results is due to people’s preferences and the condition of the newest stores and other stores are nearly the same, and the survey is credible and representative. To improve profits, the author can enhance the staffs’ efficiency or improve service as well.

iloveusa2009UID: 2650557

The author recommends that all the stores should discontinue stocking many of the varieties of imported cheeses and concentrate primarily on domestic cheese in order to increase profits. To strengthen the conclusion, he cites the facts that the five-best selling cheeses at their new stores were all domestic cheddar cheese from Wisconsin (W) last year. Furthermore, a recent survey by Cheeses of the World magazine shows an increasing preference for domestic cheeses among its subscribers. And reducing the storage space can enhance the profits. The author’s recommendation seems to have many merits at the first glance, close scrutiny of the facts reveals that none of the reasons lend credible support to the conclusion.
开头模版化太严重，不过比这个问题更严重的是开头过于啰嗦，没必要在开头浪费过多的字数，开头要力争简练直接。这方面的详细叙述参考论坛相关帖子，在此不多赘述。

First, the author’s conclusion bases on the known correlation between the high sales volume of domestic cheddar cheeses and the preference to them that the latter is attributable to, at least partly, to the former. （这样说是不是有点太绕弯子了？直接说conclusion is based on assumption that A is attribute to B）However, there is no sufficient evidence to support this cause-and–effect relationship. Perhaps the domestic cheddar cheeses from Wisconsin were just on sale for newly opening and were very cheap, so that customs select it. If so, the sales volume would go down with the end of the sale promotion and then the author’s recommendation has no merit whatever.

Secondly, even if people’ choosing the domestic cheddar cheeses from W is due to their preference. The recommendation is based on what might be a false analogy between the newest store and all the other stores. The new stores might happen to locate in W or in some cities which closely connected with W, so people there prefer to the cheese from W, or the hauling charges is lower that the cheese from W is cheaper. However, other stores do not have the advantages. The place of the newest store might be different from others in culture, economic and the like. People there might be so patriotic that they prefer to the domestic cheese, (我不明白你这句话的意思，不过我觉得你是否可以直接删掉？因为前后之间的逻辑关联真的不大。) however this does not represent people’s purchasing behavior in other places. Unless the author provides evidence that all the factors relevant to sale of the newest stores and the other stores are the same, the recommendation would not
(按照你前面unless的逻辑，后面这里必须用否定，或者后面不变，前面用If引导。不过不管怎样，我觉得最后这句话都可有可无。因为其中已经没有什么信息量了)be unconvincing.

Thirdly, the claim unfairly infers from the fact that all the domestic cheddar cheeses from W were in active demand last year that they are still the favorite this year. Absent evidence is provided to support this inference. Perhaps a patriotic movement just happened last year, which encouraged people to buy domestic cheese; or W is the hometown of a superstar who became famous last year that his fans prefer to the cheese from W. (前半部分的反例举的不错，但是后半部分这个，有点缺乏说服力。刚刚去世的MJ的fans会特别关爱他的家乡所生产的cheese, beer or condom吗？) All these possibilities, if true, would serve to undermine the author’s conclusion.

Finally, the survey by the Cheeses of the World magazine is doubtful as well. The number and features of the respondent are not provided which makes the survey unconvinced. If few people participated the survey, the survey can not be representative. It is entirely possible that most of respondents are researchers of domestic cheeses and their preference is not typical anyway. Until the author substantiates the typicality of the survey I would remain unconvinced.

To sum up, the author’s recommendation is logically flawed and unconvincing as it stands. To bolster the conclusion the author should provide sufficient evidence--the high sales results is due to people’s preferences and the condition of the newest stores and other stores are nearly the same, and the survey is credible and representative. To improve profits, the author can enhance the staffs’ efficiency or improve service as well. (最后这句话特别说一下，你这个说话的对象变成cheese store的经营者了，不过本文的作者似乎并不能确认为该店的经营管理者。其实，你针对上述文章的建议，更应该着眼于该文的论述的内容和得出的结论。至于他们应当怎样做才能真正盈利，似乎不是你应当过分关心的问题)