issue 70 菜鸟第一次写。。求狠批！
70 Claim: Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's major field of study.Reason: Acquiring knowledge of various academic disciplines is the best way to become truly educated.
It is true that learn more knowledge will never be a bad thing, but forcing undergraduates to take a variety of courses outside their major cannot lead to the result people are expected to. On the contrary encouraging students to sign up courses, outside their major, according to favor allows students to become truly educated.
Many subjects are closely related to another. Taking a variety of courses enables students to broaden their horizon and more importantly, a variety of knowledge gives students’ ability to analyze and tackle problem in different perspective and ways. For example, the literature class teaches students major in chemistry how to write a good dissertation. The theory, quantitative change leads to qualitative change, we learned in philosophy class teaches students in biology department to continue their experiments which seem to be tedious and useless, and they will finally make the progress when they get accurate results after numerous experiments.
Nonetheless, it may be impossible for some college to open a variety of courses for students. Some colleges like engineering college are not capable to open the course like philosophy and literature. These colleges may devote large amount money on increasing the facility in engineering experiment and inviting more professionals in specific realm, which provide the engineering major students a chance to learn in depth in their major. And thus to some extent, these engineering college lack the fund to open courses which has little relevance with engineering such as economy and history. Therefore, providing various courses for students may not be an easy thing for some colleges.
In addition, undergraduates spend only four years in university that they cannot even do well in their majors not to mention the courses which are outside their major. As we all know that students nowadays are already under considerable pressure and course load, extra courses will add their burden and also distract them from studying in major courses. Being required to take various classes will finally lead students only get to know the surface of all subjects, because they do not have time to study in depth in their major. After four-year-studying, students lack the comprehensive understanding of their major.
Furthermore, students, after graduated, will go on becoming professionals in their own field, is it justified for them to take out their precious time to study subjects that have no relevance to their career and major? For example, is it wise to force someone who major in biology to study art? As knowledge students learned in art classes will never be applied to their biology experiment, it is waste of time for those students who are forced to learn art.
There must be some way else that can let students to become truly educated in university. For example, university should encourage undergraduates to choose the subjects which are outside their major according to their interests in the first two years. Giving the right of choosing, students may have more interests when learning a subject when compared with forcing them to. A variety of knowledge learned in a variety of classes allows students to widen their horizon and analyze problems in different perspective. Furthermore, university should provide more freedom and chance of learning their major in depth after first two years, which benefits students to become professional in their realm.
Learning various subjects is not an ideal method for students to become truly educated, and combine the depth and width in students’ learning might be a good choice.
写的时候完全被托福附身了好么！！写的真是。。我写完都不想再看第二遍
求意见。。只是大概翻了下aw5,5。。对issue的了解很少。。。不知道这样写的布局，逻辑等等什么的对不对、、语言更挫。。求指正！！主要批下逻辑 布局 论证等方面！！多谢各路大神啊啊~~ 因为水平有限 不敢说回拍。。不嫌弃的话留下作文贴地址 我去学习下啊啊啊！！！多谢了！ 在写字板里面改的，格式不是很好，楼主凑活一看？:lol
搞定。 楼主凑活着看看，一点点小建议 本帖最后由 panmingming2008 于 2012-10-29 13:42 编辑
70 Claim: Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's major field of study.
Reason: Acquiring knowledge of various academic disciplines is the best way to become truly educated.
BEN补：Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the claim and the reason on which that claim is based.
BEN：原题理路（line of reasoning）：
大学应要求学生选修大量非专业课程（政策论点）-->获得众多学科的知识（理由）-->接受良好教育（预期后果）
可以问一下：选修课除了获得知识，还有什么？
答：还有思考方法、看待事物的角度。比如哈佛公正课，对待同样一件事，不同的人有不同的行为选择和理由；耶鲁死亡课，对待死亡会有种种不同的看法和思考角度。这些思考方法会很有用，有时比知识更重要。
针对题目要求，可以分别针对论点及理由提出自己的见解和理据。
学校应不应当要求学生选修大量非专业课--这可以从三个方面考虑。
0 这样的政策有没有必要？（比如说出实际难题，原来缺乏选修课学生视野狭窄等）
1 这样的做法会造成什么后果，有没有可能实现预期效果?
2 有没有其他更好的做法（或将原方案改进，以便获得预期效果）？
这样围绕原题核心争议点来展开，才能中心明确、前后一贯，才不会造成前后矛盾、论点模糊的问题。
It is true that learn more knowledge will never be a bad thing, but forcing undergraduates to take a variety of courses outside their major cannot lead to the result people are expected to. On the contrary encouraging students to sign up courses, outside their major, according to favor allows students to become truly educated. （首句立论。但第二句表达不清晰。在不擅长复杂长句的情况下，不妨用简洁的短句把思想表达清楚。）
Many subjects are closely related to another. Taking a variety of courses enables students to broaden their horizon and more importantly, a variety of knowledge gives students’ ability to analyze and tackle problem in different perspective and ways. For example, the literature class teaches students major in chemistry how to write a good dissertation. The theory, quantitative change leads to qualitative change, we learned in philosophy class teaches students in biology department to continue their experiments which seem to be tedious and useless, and they will finally make the progress when they get accurate results after numerous experiments. （呼应中心论点：大量选修课有利于学生...。第二句是分论点，后面加上两个例子。简洁明了，没有废话。很好！）
Nonetheless, it may be impossible for some college to open a variety of courses for students. Some colleges like engineering college are not capable to open the course like philosophy and literature. These colleges may devote large amount money on increasing the facility in engineering experiment and inviting more professionals in specific realm, which provide the engineering major students a chance to learn in depth in their major. And thus to some extent, these engineering college lack the fund to open courses which has little relevance with engineering such as economy and history. Therefore, providing various courses for students may not be an easy thing for some colleges. （本段考虑到各个学校的具体情况：某些专科学校没有实力开设大量选修课。举例。这段与中心论点联系不大。应当思考的是：学校应不应当要求学生选修大量非专业课？有没有必要？会造成什么后果？有没有可能实现目标效果?）
In addition, undergraduates spend only four years in university that they cannot even do well in their majors not to mention the courses which are outside their major. As we all know that students nowadays are already under considerable pressure and course load, extra courses will add their burden and also distract them from studying in major courses. Being required to take various classes will finally lead students only get to know the surface of all subjects, because they do not have time to study in depth in their major. After four-year-studying, students lack the comprehensive understanding of their major.
（本段继续探讨：大量选修课会使学生从专业课程中分心。问题：没有举出具体的例子来证明。要补上。）
Furthermore, students, after graduated, will go on becoming professionals in their own field, is it justified for them to take out their precious time to study subjects that have no relevance to their career and major? For example, is it wise to force someone who major in biology to study art? As knowledge students learned in art classes will never be applied to their biology experiment, it is waste of time for those students who are forced to learn art.
(非常严重的问题：你的第二段已经证明选修课有利。为何本段又说不利呢？这犯了inconsistence即前后不一致的问题。）
There must be some way else that can let students to become truly educated in university. For example, university should encourage undergraduates to choose the subjects which are outside their major according to their interests in the first two years. Giving the right of choosing, students may have more interests when learning a subject when compared with forcing them to. A variety of knowledge learned in a variety of classes allows students to widen their horizon and analyze problems in different perspective. Furthermore, university should provide more freedom and chance of learning their major in depth after first two years, which benefits students to become professional in their realm.
（本段试图从原题reason角度来反驳。但是理由和例子都不如第二段明确和具体。什么才是实现良好教育的最佳办法？除了选修课，是否实际做事、检验所学理论知识也是不错的方法？可以发散来想，再举相应实例，要具体，不要笼统。）
Learning various subjects is not an ideal method for students to become truly educated, and combine the depth and width in students’ learning might be a good choice.
（对比下首段的中心论点，你的结尾段要表达的意思与首段一致吗？consistence的问题。
提示：偷换概念。题目要处理的是Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's major field of study是否合理。而你结尾段只是针对原因，并没有回应学校是否应当要求选修大量非专业课程。）
写的时候完全被托福附身了好么！！写的真是。。我写完都不想再看第二遍
求意见。。只是大概翻了下aw5,5。。对issue的了解很少。。。不知道这样写的布局，逻辑等等什么的对不对、、语言更挫。。求指正！！主要批下逻辑 布局 论证等方面！！多谢各路大神啊啊~~
BEN总评：
全篇文章，只有第二段分论点清楚，有具体的相关例子支撑。3分水平。
全文七段，太多了。造成的后果是后面的几个段落脱离了中心论点。要打的鸟儿太多，结果，一个都难打到。
需要重新梳理。首段中心论点--二到三个理由及其相应例子支撑中心论点--结尾段重述中心论点。
要问问自己：我写的这一段与中心论点有没有联系？如果没有，就不要浪费时间了--没有联系，就是多余的废话。
针对SYNCIA批改的批改 by BEN
SYNCIA 发表于 2012-10-25 11:03 static/image/common/back.gif搞定。
Comment:
果然是有托福文的痕迹。 Soda, 语法咱都不用说，段落上也OK。我们主要来说一下逻辑结构吧。
首段亮出了总论点：Encouraging students to sign up courses, outside their major, according to favor allows students to become truly educated.
第二段：Many subjects are closely related to another.
第三段：Nonetheless, it may be impossible for some college to open a variety of courses for students.第四段：In addition, undergraduates spend only four years in university that they cannot even do well in their majors not to mention the courses which are outside their major.
第五段：Furthermore, students, after graduated, will go on becoming professionals in their own field, is it justified for them to take out their precious time to study subjects that have no relevance to their career and major?
第六段：There must be some way else that can let students to become truly educated in university.
题目：70 Claim: Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's major field of study. Reason: Acquiring knowledge of various academic disciplines is the best way to become truly educated.
具体来说，分论点比较散：
--第二段的主题句和第五段有些矛盾。 先说closely related to each another; 第五段又转过来说no relevance. 卖矛又卖盾。
--第四段的主题句把主语偏向了undergraduates,个人认为，既然题目的主题是Universities, 这个分论点有点偏。
--第六段可以把分论点直接亮出how to design the course table.
Soda,最关键的是：没有core. 感觉你东说了一点，西说了一点，没有把一个例子深深地说明白， 支撑分论点。 而你的总论点只在第六段有所体现。 其他分论点都让我觉得，和总论点失去了联系。
如果是我写。简单点说，我就会把题目conditioning;
70 Claim: Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student's major field of study. Reason: Acquiring knowledge of various academic disciplines is the best way to become truly educated.
我的破题点是every student. 我把student分为两类， 文科和理科。 以此立论。
总论点：学校应该根据学生专业的特点因材施教。
文科； 理科； 学校的责任是让文科生博学广识， 理科生专心研究；等等…
希望给soda一点点启发。
Issue的重点，也一定逻辑。逻辑。逻辑。
BEN总评：
1. Syncia抓到了原作者前后矛盾、分论点没有充分展开（用理由和例子支撑观点）的问题。
2. 破题点落在every student上并没有体现思考的深入。（这一点，请看我前面的批改点评）
3. ISSUE的重点不是逻辑。逻辑只是形式。重点还是对于题目涉及议题的深入了解和分析。
不少人会强调逻辑，其实掩盖了学生们相关信息（事实）的贫乏和思考的浅薄。
学校选修课政策与学生教育品质的联系究竟是怎么样的？如果我们缺乏对事实的了解，或者自己学校的选修课太少或流于形式，你就难以全面深入的了解什么样的选修课政策会更合理、更容易获得预期效果。
如果是这样，不妨上网或到图书馆做些research功课。
追根究底，Analytical Writing task 与托福写作的关注点不同。前者着眼于审慎思考能力，不只是批判了事，一定要提供有理有据的检验和证明；托福写作重视的是语言水平。
针对吴文超批改的批改 by BEN
吴文超 发表于 2012-10-25 11:17 static/image/common/back.gif楼主凑活着看看，一点点小建议
几点小小的comment：
（1）语法错误有点多，语法有待加强
（2）理由“有些学院没有能力开其他课”不够充分，因为题目说“是否要让学生学这些课”，这并不等同于这些课要学生所在的学院开，学生也可以选其他学院开的课。
BEN评：
关于第二点。该段落没有必要写。重点应放在学校选修课政策的原因及后果上（具体分析看前面的评改） panmingming2008 发表于 2012-10-29 11:50 static/image/common/back.gif
70 Claim: Universities should require every student to take a variety of courses outside the student ...
真的受宠若惊好么。。竟然得到那么多人的详细批改。
恩恩，我也知道自己的问题，也是写完这篇被批之后才意识到的前后矛盾与各论点之间没有任何关系，想到哪写哪的毛病。
隔了一周才又开始动笔，有吸取这篇的教训。
很感谢这位斑斑的详细批改，一定好好琢磨！
一定好好写issue。多思考。多想。多修改。
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