第二篇，issue50，请帮我看看结构问题以及chinglish问题

mitchelllcUID: 2793083

谢谢诸位了~~


ISSUE50 - "In order to improve the quality of instruction at the college and university level, all faculty should be required to spend time working outside the academic world in professions relevant to the courses they teach."



Asked what faculty will do to improve the quality of instruction at the college and university level, offices always have a similar answer: the great contribution of faculty spending time working non-academic world in professions relevant to their major will be to ensure students acquire better education.In general,I agree with the assertion that faculty spending time working ouside the academic world in professions could improve the quality of instruction.Moreover, since the quality of instruction is complex,in my observation there are other key factors that contribute to the quality of instruction.



The chief reason why I generally agree with the statement has to do with the working experiece in relevant professions that could put faculty in a better position to help students adjust from campus to the job market.In technical sense,instruction is the process by which society deliberately transmits its accumlated knowledge,skills and values from one generation to another.However,these skills and knowledge in campus are very different from that in society.For instance,a Law School student,who has learned every legal issue by heart,could not handle well in court,for the unexpected always happens.And because of rich experience,the Supreme Court justices could be up to their work.Therefore,the faculty with working experience in relevant professions could help students have better education and well prepare for job.


A second reason for my agreement with the statement is that, the pace of academic progress and technological advancement is so quick that knowledge contained in textbooks always legs current developments.Consider the technology of computer science,although its history is less than 60 yeas,it has been making great achievements especially in reaent decades.Every year,every month,or even every day,the scientist make progress in the field of computer science.If the faculty could not know the neweat technology or idea,how could the student do?And when students graduate,they will find that what they have learned in university have been out of date.Therefore,faculty working outside the academic world in professions is necessary.



On the other hand,in terms of the complexity of instruction,we could take other methods to improve the quality except requiring faculty to work non-academic world in professions.One of these methods is to invite someone who has rich working experience to make lectures for students.For example,the Peking University have been developed cooperation with Microsoft Corporation in instruction,which make students have access to the newest technology in computer science.Another efficient method is to encourge students to attend social practice.In these practice,what students have learned in class could serve the practical issue.And student will make great progress in these social practice.



The quality of instruction is so significant that it determines not only the future of students,but of society.To require faculty to work non-academic world in professions is a efficient way to improve the quality of instruction.However,other methods is also useful and the university should take various measures in order to grarantee improving the quality of instruction.

mitchelllcUID: 2793083

还是自己顶一下。。。

doraliuUID: 2842061

简单看了一篇，观点是赞同，因为一帮助学生步入社会，二，跟进时代，但是我觉得例子不大好，因为计算机老师在学校也可以跟进新技术的，并不用work outside academic world.第三部分给出还有其他的方法可以improve quality 的，不知道这个叫升华还是叫偏题？如果 你是要argue 教师不用work outside，因为有其他方法，这个是值得提的，我觉得。。。
浅显易懂，但是你想大部分人都在说这个。。。就没新意了

mitchelllcUID: 2793083

3# doraliu 对与这个是不是偏题，我也不好说。。。
观点确实大众化，但不敢写自己独特的观点，怕掌握不好。。。

mitchelllcUID: 2793083

希望更多的人改这篇作文~~

hugeseaUID: 190158

谢谢诸位了~~


ISSUE50 - "In order to improve the quality of instruction at the college and university level, all faculty should be required to spend time working outside the academic world in professions relevant to the courses they teach."



Asked what faculty will do to improve the quality of instruction at the college and university level, offices always have a similar answer: the great contribution of faculty spending time working non-academic world in professions relevant to their major will be to ensure students acquire better education.（读起来很aweful，不要刻意的去写长句，特别是文章开头的句子一定要没有语法错误，读起来通顺）In general,I agree with the assertion that faculty spending time working ouside the academic world in professions could improve the quality of instruction.Moreover, since the quality of instruction is complex,in my observation there are other key factors that contribute to the quality of instruction.（since....我觉得多余,第一段是给背景，摆自己的观点，我觉得不需要任何的论述，不需要给任何的原因；开头第一段的每一句话，我觉得都可以是判断句。）

（总的来说，开头还算是开头，提出了自己的观点）




The chief reason why I generally agree with the statement has to do with the working experiece in relevant professions that could put faculty in a better position to help students adjust from campus to the job market.（天啦，这句的结构该如何分析？尽管我可以看明白，我可以相信，老外以及机器基本上是看不懂你这句）In technical sense,instruction is the process by which society deliberately transmits its accumlated knowledge,skills and values from one generation to another.（在技术领域是这样麽？人类教育的所有领域都是transmit accumlated knowledge generation to generation的吧）However,these skills and knowledge in campus are very different from that in society.For instance,a Law School student,who has learned every legal issue by heart,could not handle well in court,for the unexpected always happens.And because of rich experience,the Supreme Court justices could be up to their work.Therefore,the faculty with working experience in relevant professions could help students have better education and well prepare for job.（你的论述的逻辑，我基本没看懂，而且你最后一句的落脚点也不是在improve the quality of instruction，而变成了help students have better education and well prepare for job。所以我觉得你的论述是混乱的，逻辑是没有的；什么样的论述是好的论述呢？其实就是回答两个问题：why and how。具体到你这一个论点的论述，也就是回答：为什么工作经历能improve the quality of instruction at the college and university level，以及工作经历怎么样improve the quality of instruction at the college and university level。试着按回答why&how两个问题写一写，你会发觉你的论述insighful许多）  

A second reason for my agreement with the statement is that, the pace of academic progress and technological advancement is so quick that knowledge contained in textbooks always legs current developments.Consider the technology of computer science,although its history is less than 60 yeas,it has been making great achievements especially in reaent decades.Every year,every month,or even every day,the scientist make progress in the field of computer science.If the faculty could not know the neweat technology or idea,how could the student do?And when students graduate,they will find that what they have learned in university have been out of date.Therefore,faculty working outside the academic world in professions is necessary.



On the other hand,in terms of the complexity of instruction,we could take other methods to improve the quality except requiring faculty to work non-academic world in professions.One of these methods is to invite someone who has rich working experience to make lectures for students.For example,the Peking University have been developed cooperation with Microsoft Corporation in instruction,which make students have access to the newest technology in computer science.Another efficient method is to encourge students to attend social practice.In these practice,what students have learned in class could serve the practical issue.And student will make great progress in these social practice.



The quality of instruction is so significant that it determines not only the future of students,but of society.To require faculty to work non-academic world in professions is a efficient way to improve the quality of instruction.However,other methods is also useful and the university should take various measures in order to grarantee improving the quality of instruction.mitchelllc 发表于 2010-7-27 17:19

改了前两段，改不下去了，下面几段的问题，基本上和上面的问题差不多，楼主好好揣摩揣摩

一家之言，可以忽视我

mitchelllcUID: 2793083

6# hugesea
恩~非常感谢啊~
今天累了，明天好好看看~
有不懂得地方还要向您多请教啊~~
话说ETS真就是敢让机器判分？不让人来判？虽然我觉得很有可能吧，但还是不确定。。。

hugeseaUID: 190158

谢谢诸位了~~


ISSUE50 - "In order to improve the quality of instruction at the college and university level, all faculty should be required to spend time working outside the academic world in prof ...
mitchelllc 发表于 2010-7-27 17:19

另外我想就你的论点及行文说两句

你的论点是：你同意the speaker的claim，同时你还觉得提高教学质量还有其他的办法。（其实我觉得这个逻辑很奇怪）

那么你的文章的development就应该是这样的（理论上）：

body 1，论述claim的前提：工作经验有助于大学老师提高教学质量

body 2，论述claim的结论，为了提高教学质量，所有的大学老师都必须要求有相关领域的实际工作经验

body 3，论述提高教学质量还有其他的办法

仔细第一度，这样的development（理论上的）是多么的不顺溜.....

然后我们再看看你的文章的development（实际的）：

body 1， 我可以当做是在论述claim的前提，也就是工作经验有助于提高教学质量

body 2， 通观全段，还是在论述和body1一样的问题

body 3，提高教学质量还有其他的办法

我想，不用我多说什么，你就能明白，你写得偏题了吧，你对题目中最重要的一个词没有回应：就是all这个词

hugeseaUID: 190158

6# hugesea
恩~非常感谢啊~
今天累了，明天好好看看~
有不懂得地方还要向您多请教啊~~
话说ETS真就是敢让机器判分？不让人来判？虽然我觉得很有可能吧，但还是不确定。。。
mitchelllc 发表于 2010-7-27 22:42

不用怀疑，ETS的判分肯定全部是机器判
想想，要是用人判卷得多少银子啊

mitchelllcUID: 2793083

9# hugesea 这要是这样，那也没办法，人为刀俎我为鱼肉。。。。。。

mitchelllcUID: 2793083

8# hugesea
刚看到您的这个评论，再次感谢，我会好好琢磨的~~

mitchelllcUID: 2793083

8# hugesea
另外，我问一下，这篇文章我确实是没有写到all，all也只是文章的一点，没有写到，这个算偏题吗？我发觉ISSUE的主题越来越不好把握了。。。。

美丽太阳花UID: 2798404

我同意上面有个同学的看法，最好不要在一开始就写长句子，尤其是表达观点的时候，容易读不懂，刚才我就没读懂。
Consider the technology of computer science,although its history is less than 60 yeas,it has been making great achievements especially in reaent decades
这句话里有语法错误，应该是considering，有个拼写小错误。

美丽太阳花UID: 2798404

在a second reason里面，学生说他们学的技术落后时代潮流了，对他们最大的影响应该是不容易找到工作，很难适应社会，我觉得这个可以进一步提出来，使得影响更加具体和形象。
至于思路，我也是新手，可能对这个的把握还不是很好，所以不敢贸然提意见。
也谢谢你的修改，一起努力吧，加油，多练练就好了:)

mitchelllcUID: 2793083

14# 美丽太阳花 恩，非常感谢~