寄托家园留学论坛

标题: 【Daily Writing作文特训小组】蜂鸟的作文贴！TOEFL之旅已结束，谢谢大家！ [打印本页]
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-6-27 14:52:01     标题: 【Daily Writing作文特训小组】蜂鸟的作文贴！TOEFL之旅已结束，谢谢大家！

本帖最后由 冰雪蜂鸟 于 2011-9-14 14:28 编辑

我与托福：
一战：10年2月7日    悲催的86——R21  L23  S18  W24
再战：11年9月18日  目标100+      作文目标26+

一战因为要去美国交换，急急忙忙的考了个托福，没有考过四级，没背单词。
期间考了GMAT，分数平平，最终高还是决定回来先提高英语。
听说作文特训小组很牛~慕名来参加~希望取得好成绩，大家互相监督，共同努力！
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加场：11年8月28日   总分101       作文24

作文分不高，但是对总分满意了，于是不打算再考了><
感谢作文小组~~希望大家都参与进来~~尤其是写作水平比较好的同学~~
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-6-27 23:21:08

本帖最后由 冰雪蜂鸟 于 2011-8-15 08:52 编辑

6月27日作业：在家利用电脑和电话（work at home by using computer and telephone)工作，还是去公司的办公室（company’s office）工作。5/22/2010。

距离上次考T已经有一年半的时间，第一次写大作文，感觉有些吃力，而且例子用的好幼稚。望各位T友多多帮助啦！谢谢！
作者: kaijuncc    时间: 2011-6-28 08:00:45

文章写得还不错，如果这是在考试规定时间做出来的一篇文章那么已经比较okay了，但如果是花了很长时间做出来的，那就还有相应的提升空间了。

首先It cannot deny that a suitable workplace can stimulate better work. However, the debate on whether works at home by using computer and telephone or at company’s office never stops.这两句话的转折比较有问题，诚然楼主希望第一句话能和后面的话构成逻辑上的转折，但是仔细想想，还是有问题的，争论继续和合适的工作环境有什么样的转折联系呢？怎么样就好了很多呢？那就是改成
The debate on whether works at home by using computer and telephone or at company’s office never stops. However，from my point of view, I am inclined to believe that people should work at their office. It's true that working at home （不是home，而是working at home）can effectively（比properly要更准确一些） avoid the pressure and provide a relaxable(relax是动词) environment for people. And we also know that a suitable workplace can generate working incentive(stimulate better work.说法有点不恰当，刺激了更好的工作？只能说stimulate people to work better，你的说法better work是stimulate的承受者了). But what, as far as I concern, more important is that company’s office is always the most formal and efficient place for work.

看完第一段，小提下建议要去睡觉了。。。。希望你加油。。。。。
我对你的表述能力还是很满意的，但是有一点要记住，开头一定要开门见山。在考试的时候如果不开门见山，很容易照成逻辑混乱，照成逻辑连词使用不恰当，也照成老师阅卷的困难。^^望你进步神速！！！
小腐警棍YY帝
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-6-28 17:49:24

本帖最后由 冰雪蜂鸟 于 2011-8-15 08:50 编辑

6月17日作业修改版
我总结一下我的问题：
1、单词使用不当：动词形容词混用，形容词修饰不当，动词发起者不精确等。应当背单词的时候注意词性和精确的意思。
2、第一段背景句和观点关系不紧密，没有开门见山。应当避免乱加背景句，以自己观点阐述明确为佳。
3、把反方观点说的太多太确定，削弱了自己的论点，并且不好反驳。应该多注意文章重心，以说反方不好，和正方的好为主。

在此感谢小腐老师的修改和指正，以下为修改版（我感觉有一半都是小腐老师的知识产权><）!
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-6-28 17:51:07

本帖最后由 冰雪蜂鸟 于 2011-8-15 08:53 编辑

6月28日作业：3/6/2010 which is better, challenging plans about one's future or practical plans about one's future?
这一篇和我之前背过的一篇差不多，不太能反映本人真是水平><
作者: kaijuncc    时间: 2011-6-28 19:11:52

6# 冰雪蜂鸟
Those who hold that they tend to work at home and communicate with colleagues and clients by using computer and telephone instead of at office may have two possible reasons. For one thing, as for their flexible working schedule, some people chose working at home to save more time, plan their day more flexible, and work more efficiently. For another thing, home, which is more familiar to its owner, give people more personal space which is less interrupt to perform well. Specifically, a worker may be reluctant to speak in public can express his or her well by using typing word on computer and voice in telephone. Therefore, these reasons are why some people prefer to work at home.' T+ k2 u' Y5 R0 ]9 }6 a
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However, communicate with colleagues and clients face to face in office rather than through computer and telephone is more direct and effective. Working in a project is a good example, if every project member work at home and convey themselves through electronic equipment, the coherent-need project group seems to be undisciplined. On the contrary, the project group with daily communication in the office seems to be more formal and at least encourage the morale of the group members. Thus, I am tending to believe that the insurmountable flaws that occur when working at home can be avoided by working at office.
对于这两段，在遣词造句上我并没有什么太多的话好说，因为做得已经很好了，再要求那就是吹毛求疵，所以你应该对自己有自信。当然提升是要继续的，对词汇的要求永无止境，对短语永无止尽，但是前提是准确，不准确的话不如不用，这个要记住哦。
唯一的问题，就是，在结构上我本人更倾向于不要在一段里面全部是在家工作的好处，而应该每一段都主要在谈在单位工作的好处。
假设你是用+A/-A+B法：说A好，其实A没那么好，B更好，则应该这样来写：
Those who tend to work at home and communicate with colleagues and clients by using computer and telephone may argue that it offers great flexibility which consequently promots the working efficiency. But is it really how the story goes?  Actually many surveys conducted by sociologists indicate that too much flexibility means lack of supervision and undermines the working efficiency. What they've found is more fevorable to working at office. They state that the office creats a "feeling of work" that initiate people to work hard and effective, rather than to lay back and relax as they probably do at home. Moreover, communicating(非communicate) with colleagues and clients face to face in office rather than through computer and telephone is more direct and human（这里直接说efficient不妥）.  balabalabala~~~~
也就是说，最好是说一个在家好，然后立刻把它否定，大篇幅地否定。这样看起来好爽啊，因为感觉一直在批判它。而且可以假设有社会学家、人类学家调查什么之类的，或者科学家实验，其实就是瞎编。
如果要举例子，那么可以举名人的，如果是中国名人，反正老外不认识，瞎编就可以了。比如
接上面For example，Wang Shi，the most successful real estate businessman in China, has once said that he prefers working with his colleagues. A guy with his wealth can choose to work at home and relax since he just need to make a few decisions everyday and leaving other complex and basic work to his executive groups. But Wang Shi stressed that he enjoy the feeling of contacting with real people in office, which makes him closer with his fellows.
差不多就是这个例子了，你准备一些名人，然后写作文的时候就往上面套一些话就好了。每个论点都有例子支撑的话，文章很容易达到字数要求。
还有一点，复杂句好是好，但是再好也好不过简单句但是表意丰富，写作时千万不能有卡壳的感觉，一定要一气呵成。

必须要一个A之后马上BBBBBBB，要不是的话思路混乱不说，还容易使结构松散。

小腐警棍YY帝    看一段好累好累啊~~~   我就先只看一段先，要是不满意我们再磋商~~祝进步
作者: kaijuncc    时间: 2011-6-28 19:27:26

6# 冰雪蜂鸟
这篇文章的开头虽然不是第一句就是中心句，而是把中心句放在了最后，但是却很开门见山，因为很短很简练，所以很好很好。总之，开门见山一定是开头段的要求！！
看到你的这一篇，却感觉你先说A好，再说B好B好也是可以的，为什么会这样呢？那是因为你说A好的时候用词很恰当，是有保留的再说好，实际上其实还是不好，这和你的第一篇情况不一样。第一片里面说在家好，真的感觉在家好啊，其实是削弱了你的论点。所以第一篇要花大量时间去否定在家好的观点。而第二篇，虽然那一段说practical plans 好，但是其实是真的好么？并不是，因为你说了，那是routine life，其实还是支撑你的观点的，和后面也很和谐。

总之，一定要做到的是A有好处，但是好处很少很可怜很站不住脚。

比如假设你第一篇写，在家工作的好处是很放松，很轻松，没有上班那么累，想干嘛干嘛，那么这单独一段完全没问题，因为后文很好反驳，因为这些好处都不是真正的好处。
然而你第一篇在家工作又提到了效率，提到了很多其他东西，这些反驳起来就很麻烦很费时间，而且efficiency重复很多次的话在文章读的时候就很累赘，还不如不说在家有efficency，而把它唯一作为在工作中的好处。

你说呢？

小腐警棍YY帝
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-6-28 21:04:04

本帖最后由 冰雪蜂鸟 于 2011-6-30 14:28 编辑

8# kaijuncc

再次感谢小付老师~~对我的帮助非常的大！

我一向用的结构是：
第一段：背景一句+主体（也就是debate）+原因+自己的观点。
第二段：一些人觉得A（我反对的）的好的地方+原因+我认为不好的地方。（第二篇是个比较好的范例）
第三段：B(我支持的)的好的地方+原因+例子
第四段：B(我支持的)更深层次的好的地方+原因+例子；如果想不出深层次的就找个平行的。
第五段：总结。

所以有几个问题要问小腐老师：
1、第一篇没有开门见山是因为背景句和自己观点衔接的不好嘛？我也发现了这个问题，感觉我描述的背景和我的观点好像没有关系。应该如何改呢？因为我觉得如果一上来就说那个debate的话很唐突。
2、第一篇确实有削弱自己观点的嫌疑，把A（在家）说的太确凿的好了！这是不对的！有些时候我也很想说A之后马上在第二段说A不好或者B好，但是想不出那么多理由了，而且第三四段还要展开细说。可以不可以吧第二篇的第二段当做范例，只在最后一句说出不好的潜在危险？
3、我现在问题比较大的应该就是文章结构，逻辑上的相互关系了。而且我觉得我用的例子不够丰富，比如就想不出王石的例子，虽然我知道你这个也是编的，但是怎么样才能用好例子呢~~

再次感谢小腐老师，如果有时间再看看后两段吧，然后我改好贴上来！
作者: kaijuncc    时间: 2011-6-28 21:56:11

9# 冰雪蜂鸟

关于开头：
It is no exaggeration to say that challenge is to people what water is to fish. Some may plan their lives practical things and maintain the stability they enjoy. However, if I was asked whether challenging plans is always a good thing, my answer is positive.这是你的第二篇开头。
其实虽然说有背景句，但是感觉和没有背景句是一样的，所以说是开门见山了。
比如举一个很俗套的例子：
The opinion towards A varies from person to person. Some XX, some XX. But in my opinion, B is my choice.
感觉到了吧，基本上背景句的作用就真的是背景，完全没有存在感的，你读了之后发现，真正说话的就只有主题句。

再看看你的第一篇开头
It cannot deny that a suitable workplace can stimulate better work. However, the debate on whether works at home by using computer and telephone or at company’s office never stops. As far as I know, although home can properly avoid the pressure and provide a relax environment for people, company’s office is always the most formal and efficient place for work. From my point of view, I am inclined to believe that people should work at their office.
你这里有转折有议论了，显得其它部分比主题句要引人注目，这就会有不均衡的感觉，该大的地方没有大。

所以说，背景句可以有，毕竟一上来就说In my opinion,XXXX. 似乎不是你的风格。但是一上来就主题句并无不妥，你可以尝试几篇一上来就In my opinion的，相信会找到一些平衡感。

还有，背景句可以放在主题句后面，也就是说一开头，In my opinion，B is much better than A. Of course, some may hold different point of view because they think A have many merits. However, as far as I concern, B has even more merits than A does in the following aspects.我想，这样写也可以接受对吧？而且你也比较安心，第一句话就很明确表明观点了，写起来也顺一些。

当然这只是个人观点，你可以尝试之后决定。


关于你的结构，是可以的，但是一定要在五分钟构思阶段将结构完整化，也就是说将A好的程度方面决定下来，以免写的太多（很容易出现，因为有可能感觉字数不够多写了几句话后来发现这几句话写上去了很难反驳）。你的第二篇的第二段写的不错，要保持此状态，那就必须在头脑风暴的时候想清楚选择好切入点，写的时候要按照提纲来，不能多观点，可以多细节描述。这样可以做到不会把自己削弱了。

不过你也可以构思一下我建议的结构，后面几段先说A好一两句话，然后全盘否定三句话，再加一个例子两句话为一段。
这样写的话感觉很顺，唯一缺点是不会太出彩，但是可掌控性高，稳定度高，考场适应度强。

关于头脑风暴，提醒你可以这样来弄。想一个东西的影响和原因的时候，分为经济、文化、政治、生物、生活这几个大块来想。比如第一篇里面，去单位还是在家，你就不局限于有效率没效率了，而可以说，所有人都在家工作了，人们更少出门了，本来以前只有工作的时候才出门，现在一直不出门，身体变差。可以说，都不去公司上班了，那么没人买车了，每人乘坐公共交通工具了，每人买办公楼了，对经济不好。政府官员都在家里工作，不去办公室，人们有可能不相信他们真的在工作，他们的公信力会下降。去单位工作是一直以来的文化传统，应该保留下去。等等等等

只有你想不到没有不能写，毕竟这不是gmat，不考逻辑缜密性，考得是语言不是么。

还有，要是想要别人改作文，可以参加Gter的作文camp，他们每天都有作业的。

小腐警棍YY帝
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-6-29 09:57:37

本帖最后由 冰雪蜂鸟 于 2011-6-29 10:02 编辑

9# kaijuncc
再次感谢小腐老师~我这个帖子就是camp的作业帖哈，第一天交作业就遇到了你，真是很幸运呢~这些天老师给了我很多的建议，已经够我消化几天了，我也会按照小腐老师的建议来练习！不敢耽误你太多时间，等过几天我有长进了继续求教！
另外，你也是考GAMT的么？

把听力的建议贴过来：
”我觉得吧，一天做一篇，而且非常认真的做是在一开始基础没打牢的时候弄的，如果你的基础已经比较好了，那就应该把量提上去，同时可以把要求降低。比如你听的时候做完了听翻，听翻也可以不需要很精准，然后后面的听写做的时候，如果你听着觉得简单的句子你就不用写了，难的句子再听写。这样可以节省很多时间，所以你就可以做很多篇了，一天做个三篇吧。

原则是，水平越高越不用要求严。这样就可以分阶段提升你的能力。0 [; P2 F3 s& r' K; S0 v
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如果你听力水平已经不错了，但还是一天认真弄一篇，那基本上是进步很小的。   水平越高，每天做越多，越不要那么仔细到每句话每个字。我甚至与建议你，到后期，有时间就听听力，每句话都要听清楚，单词听不懂，你就上translate.google.com.hk然后按照你听到的音拼出来，一般下面就会出现正确的单词。新闻也是很好的，你把每个新闻也当成材料来听（但是新闻一定要短，比如三四分钟的，我不知道国内能不能上CNN，里面的都很好，还可以看看放松自己）
7 v4 x2 I' c; t7 t

至于复习计划，相信我，“单词书”如果要准备，必须在4天内拿下，然后以后就是时不时花一天复习一本书一遍，要求是不求完全掌握，但求尽量多的有印象。能记住一些就当是成功，当做赚了，而不要要求自己完全记住单词书中的单词。 ^  ], h4 u$ 单词更重要的，是听力里面听得出来，所以，更重要的是你的积累，是你的听力分学科积累。  如果你四天没有弄完单词书，果断不用理它了，而是要把单词时间花在积累听力中的分学科单词上和作文的同义词改写积累上（关于作文将会在下一期推出）。

重中之重试听力，很多时候，听力单词认识，但是听力的时候，听一遍的情况下怎么都分辨不出来，特别是对多音节的词，你要特别对这些词注意，要多听几遍它们的发音。关于你的复习重点，应该是听力每天，作文每天，口语每天，阅读每天，重要性也依次递减。 作文有作文的积累，重点我会在下一期介绍；口语贴里面也介绍了做题时的技巧和你需要准备的话题，还有一点，口语答题时一定要流利，不能有顿音，快慢自己把握来做到这一点，不要有e~~的停顿。阅读相对来说没有容易准备得多，关于阅读的资料和方法网上有很多，阅读你只要突击一下就好了，如果哪天没有时间，那不做阅读也是没有太大关系的。
总之，听力听力听力！！作文作文作文！！口语口语口语！！
小腐警棍YY帝  很高兴和你交流  很高兴和你成为朋友“
作者: 佳佳LOVE舞    时间: 2011-6-29 11:43:44

10# 冰雪蜂鸟

哇哇哇。。肿么有个这么高级的人！！  我改出来的岂不是-0-  (拽衣角。。。)
作者: kaijuncc    时间: 2011-6-29 14:23:09

10# 冰雪蜂鸟

不麻烦不麻烦。

没错，小腐警棍YY帝，也是要考GMAT的人，只是上过了培训班，但是还没有开始准备。望以后可以一起交流GMAT的经验。^^

小腐警棍YY帝
作者: kaijuncc    时间: 2011-6-29 14:28:44

11# 佳佳LOVE舞

哪里哪里，我也是抱着学习的心态来参加讨论的，很欢迎你改作文，这样我也可以学习了，因为每个人的风格都不一样，广而看之有助于提高思路啊。

小腐警棍YY帝
作者: 佳佳LOVE舞    时间: 2011-6-29 15:33:46

13# kaijuncc

我是小白一只-0- 才发现你改的是第一篇 还好还好我改第二篇去了~
作者: kaijuncc    时间: 2011-6-29 17:17:00

14# 佳佳LOVE舞

^^

小腐警棍YY帝
作者: 佳佳LOVE舞    时间: 2011-6-29 22:05:06

5# 冰雪蜂鸟

It is no exaggeration to say that challenge is to people what（可以用what连接这个类比吗？ 我不晓得哈） water is to fish. Some may plan their lives practical things and maintain the stability they enjoy. However, if I was asked whether challenging plans is always a good thing, my answer is positive.

Those people who avoid planning a challenging future may assert that living in a familiar environment, they feel satisfied, stable and enjoy（enjoy是动词，enjoyable）. In such an environment, they never have to devise other ways to fulfill themselves. What they should do is doing routine things, working without threaten（threats） and liveing happily. To be true, this kind of life seems to be fascinating and eye-catching. Nevertheless, cannot we draw a telling conclusion that it is this life that thoroughly destroys people’s ambition and barricades people’s steps?#

As for me, a challenging plan about my future is more breath-taking than stability. The individual challenge should be first factor to be outlined. Making the individual challenge means that people are blessed with a golden opportunity to develop the potential, expand the horizon of knowledge and cultivate the logical thinking. Suppose, one is forever doing the same job and avoiding challenge, one will never know what else he or she can do(l两个句子之间没有连接词啊~动词会打架的), thus making it impossible for him or her to develop his or her potential. Not come singly but in pairs, a celebrity used to say that doing difficult things that you feel challenging can make progress.

Besides, a challenging plan gives one an opportunity to try whatever he or she is fond of. Challenge may mean comparative instability, yet it is this that forces people to make wiser judgment, acquire more knowledge （这个点上文提过了呀肿么又出现了？后面这个解释和这句的能让人们尝试任何喜欢的东西不是非常贴切哇~）to concurred these obstacles and adapt to the ever-accelerated society. The most typical person always challenges his life and the world is（challenge 和is 打架了-0- 那从句或者分词连接一下下） Abraham Lincoln who is the most successful President in US. Every time he projected his future with a challenge and ambitious picture such as being a senate or an entrepreneur even the failure always knock his door（everytime 那个人****样了后面应该是结果啊社么的吧， even引的这个读起来乖乖的啊， 如果是即使会失败他也继续challenge那这句话这样用引导词就不恰当了，应该he still projected……even though....）. Therefore, planning a challenging future(这句话的主语是people's view， 那如果plan要伴随的话这个就奇怪了，这个plan的主语和这句话的主语不一致所以不能用伴随最好弄个从句什么的清晰), people’s view is expanded and their logical thinking can be cultivated.

As has been mentioned previously, we can see clearly that though taken by some people as unacceptable, however, taking more factors in to consideration（跟上面的语法问题一样， take 的主语和句子主语不一致~）, a challenging plan for one’s future is essential for individual development and is also an unavoidable trend.
我没改过大作文呢，第一改见谅啊~不同意的地方即使跟我交流恩，关于结构上我没有你了解的清楚，没法做多评价~ 就能改改语法啦， sat 考试语法做多了赫赫~~
作者: kaijuncc    时间: 2011-6-29 23:46:06

16# 佳佳LOVE舞

改作文也是学习的一种很好的方式呢。

我把我知道的东西交流交流。

第一句话的what用法很正确哦。

其他的改正都很正确  

Every time he projected his future with a challenge and ambitious picture such as being a senate or an entrepreneur even the failure always knock his door.  这一句话 出来你讲的还有一点要改Every time he projected his future with a challenging（要用形容词） and ambitious picture such as being a senate or an entrepreneur even the failure always knock his door.


觉得你的语法修改得很准确，加油！！！


小腐警棍YY帝
作者: kaijuncc    时间: 2011-6-30 04:11:08

16# 佳佳LOVE舞

我看着看着书，突然又觉得不放心，因为我今天上午看蜂鸟的作文太草率了，没有尽到责任，现在回来再看看，果然发现了一些东西。

Suppose, one is forever doing the same job and avoiding challenge, one will never know what else he or she can do(l两个句子之间没有连接词啊~动词会打架的), thus making it impossible for him or her to develop his or her potential.   这句话是对的，不需要改，注意到“Suppose,” 没有，这就和suppose that一样，所以是正确的。^^

Challenge may mean comparative instability, yet it is this that forces people to make wiser judgment, acquire more knowledge，这里加上一个“and” to concurred these obstacles and adapt to the ever-accelerated society. 这一句话里，challenge应该用复数，yet it is this that 应该改为yet it is what， concurred应该为conquer


其它都改得很对啦~~

小腐警棍YY帝
作者: 佳佳LOVE舞    时间: 2011-6-30 12:31:18

18# kaijuncc
啊你好高级！ 神马时候我也能慢慢接近你水平就好了。。
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-6-30 14:18:31

昨天有事没有上来，今天上来一看有惊喜呢！谢谢两位~~

看到自己“Everytime”和“acquire”那两句话，觉得好恶心，读了半天都不知道自己在说什么。谢谢两位了！还有逻辑主语的问题，在GMAT语法里面很典型的错误，我居然还会自己写出这种句子来，好恶心。学习了！

但是还要为自己申辩一下~ 一个是supposed那个，就像小腐老师说的，我觉得这种句型就像if...then...条件句一样，使用主将从现。另外一个是最后一段，我将taking more factors into consideration, 当做的是插入语，所以应该在句中不起到任何作用。不知道我这样理解对不对><，继续求教！
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-6-30 14:19:13

本帖最后由 冰雪蜂鸟 于 2011-8-15 08:50 编辑

6月28日作业修改版
总结一下我的问题：
1、语法问题。这绝对是写作时候不细心导致。写作的时候多注意逻辑主语，单复数等问题。
2、昨天的问题，如形容词、名词、动词词性不分。
3、语言不够地道。多看多读吧。

感谢佳佳和小腐老师:loveliness:。
作者: kaijuncc    时间: 2011-6-30 14:56:36

20# 冰雪蜂鸟

刚才看了一下你的最后一句哦
As has been mentioned previously, we can see clearly that though taken by some people as unacceptable, however, taking more factors into consideration a challenging plan for one’s future is essential for individual development and is also an unavoidable trend.+
句子是没有问题的，想要达到的表意也很好，但是呢，不符合老外的语言习惯，有一点点绕口，所以我帮你稍微修改下。

As has been mentioned previously, though taken by some people as unconvincing（这样比unacceptable语气轻点）, however, a challenging plan for one’s future is essential for individual development and is also an unavoidable trend, taking more factors into account（consideration也可以哦）.

这样写的话比较易懂吧^^     其实你的也没错啦

小腐警棍YY帝
作者: kaijuncc    时间: 2011-6-30 15:01:23

19# 佳佳LOVE舞

哪里哪里~~~^^

小腐警棍YY帝
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-6-30 17:29:50

12# kaijuncc

小腐老师~
第一篇文章已经改好，在“地板”楼。第四段按照你的头脑风暴理论，以排比的形式写了在办公室工作对社会的种种好处。这片文章全是你的知识产权耶！
第二篇文章也已改好在21楼。感谢小腐老师自己学习的时候还帮我看文章！
虽然我GMAT考的也不怎么样，但是我很爱这个考试，也算有些经验吧。我感觉以小腐老师的英语水平，看懂题后马上就能选出来了，700+不是问题。有一个小建议，因为你说你上过培训班了，如果你上的是XDF，XDF给的规律慎用，最好不用。做一些题之后你就明白了，很多都是错的，已经不适用于现在的题。
恕我再冒昧的问一句，你没有在国内吧，总感觉你的作息时间和我们不太一样的呀~~呵呵~~
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-6-30 17:33:12

16# 佳佳LOVE舞

谢谢佳佳~~
语法问题都是一针见血的，感谢指正！
原来你是考SAT的高中生啊，你作文写成这样已经非常不错了！这几天再多练练，考场上打多点字就好！
作者: kaijuncc    时间: 2011-6-30 18:04:54

24# 冰雪蜂鸟

我现在在德国交换呢~~~~   所以作息差了六个小时，郁闷郁闷啊~~~

有一个地方还需要提醒你哦，你写长句子的时候比较喜欢用and作动词连接，这是可以的，但是在同一篇文章中不要出现太多次哦，甚至把长句拆成短句也是好的哦，注意长短结合。就拿你改好的第一篇来说吧。
Actually many surveys conducted by sociologists indicate that too much flexibility means insufficient supervision and sluggish at work.

Working at office can retain the humanity culture through interacting with others meet, interchanging notions obtained and caring and helping others who need help. Working at office can promotethe development of creativity and technology by making full use of the resourcesand facilities in the company and integrate the intelligent of a group ofpeople.


让我们不要再纠结于同一篇，继续下一篇吧，前两篇到此为止啦~~~量变才有质变，体会才有进步。

小腐警棍YY帝
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-6-30 22:54:36

6月30日作业
9/31/2010 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? It is often not a good thing to move to a new city or a new country because of the loss of old friends?

感觉这篇好难写，写的好恶心><，大家看了一定狠狠指正！谢谢！

The idea of leaving hometown to a new city or a new country often occur in mind when old friends leave us because whatever reason. But thoroughly consideration demonstrates that the disadvantages of the action always outweigh the advantages.

Those who hold that move to a new environment would be a good choice may believe that a new environment can help them forget grieve friendship and deliver them new friend with lucky. At first glance the statement is seemingly appealing and attractive, but, in fact, their thought is oversimplification. Usually, people who escape from their familiar environment to a strange situation because of dilemma always confront much more difficulties, which are not merely confined to friendship. Can we draw a telling conclusion that the consequence generated from living to a new city or a new country is more serious than that from staying where the problem occurred?

Moving to a new city or a new country is not an effective way to eradicate misery in people’s spirit. It is widely accepted that the only way to solve a problem is to improve one’s self and confront it bravely. Even if a person get some fortune and make new friends in a new ambience, he or she might commit the same mistakes and loss friends again. Moreover, even if an individual get rid of all the upset memory in the moment, he or she cannot guarantee the memory cannot recur once again. Dozens of movies setting a background that the hero moving to a seemingly promising new world because of a loss of friends tell us a story that the hero conquered his or her drawbacks and finally come back to the homeland.

Moreover, moving to a new environment impedes the stability of the society. Suppose, if everyone move to someplace new just because of an end of a friendship, one city will never has long-live citizen who live in the city more than a couple of years, because an end of friendship will happen with every person and at every moment. What is more, the instability of population of a community hinders the inheritance of the domestic culture. An extreme example is that it is not until the residents capture the culture in the land, they have to move. Therefore, the action is somewhat unthoughtful and unconvincing for the development of a community.

To be admitted, proceeding to someplace new is an easy action that some people will tend to. However, the action is not perfect not only for individual but also for our community.
（425字）
作者: kaijuncc    时间: 2011-7-1 04:52:06

27# 冰雪蜂鸟

亲，偏题了哦，题目的意思你理解错了哦。
题目的意思是，去新的城市或国家是一个坏的主意，因为这意味着失去旧朋友。你支持或反对这个观点？

你理解成了，因为失去了旧朋友，(需要疗伤），所以去新的城市或国家。你支持或反对。

要更细心哦，考场上这样的错误是致命的哦。

小腐警棍YY帝
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-7-1 13:12:47

28# kaijuncc

我去死了算了。。。。我就说怎么题目能那么奇怪那么难写。。。。可是题目也有歧义嘛。。。。
我感觉和challenge那篇有点像，我能不能不改了呀。。。。
作者: kaijuncc    时间: 2011-7-2 04:03:23

29# 冰雪蜂鸟

这篇就当是错了算了，，你下次再写的时候我来改吧。^^

小腐警棍YY帝
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-7-2 23:25:30

本帖最后由 冰雪蜂鸟 于 2011-8-15 08:51 编辑

7月2日作业/7月27日作业

The government should spend more money on education of very young children than the education of universities.

本来想写两个都好的，写着写着写不下去了，改写给初等教育钱好><
作者: xiangtuo    时间: 2011-7-3 11:35:23

楼主的作文已经仔细读过了，没有小的错误！但是有几点想交流下：
1、楼主的文章很不错，也没有错误，但是读起来很累。当然我自己英语造诣不够也是一部分原因。但是我后来仔细看了下，楼主的文章长句居多。咱要不也加点短小精悍的句子？这样读起来会比较舒服。老美也经不住全篇的长句子啊！
2、我之前改过一些文章，不少的人在文章中都会提China,Chinese什么的，但是我是第一次见有人在文章中总提America，我记得是3次，第一次在第一个观点中，写校友，其实这个不仅仅在美国，中国好的高校也是这样的，所以我觉得没有必要特别提在美国。第二和第三次都是在第三个观点，第一句就提到了，也是没必要特别提的，第三次是讲例子，这个还可以。这三次提美国这个，能和你交流一下为什么呢？是因为写给老美看的吗？还是之前有前人说过呢？
3、文章的结构很完美，很完整，滴水不漏，我很喜欢。但是楼主问什么说两个都好的写不下去呢？小小交流一下为什么呢？我这篇文章就是两边都好，写起来很顺很舒服。楼主的想法能交流下不？我的文章是在https://bbs.gter.net/viewthre ... p;extra=&page=5 48楼，鄙人不才，拿自己的文章小小交流下。

P.S.我也报了9月18号，但是我7月9号先考一次，我估计一战可能要差些，一起加油吧！
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-7-3 23:29:50

本帖最后由 冰雪蜂鸟 于 2011-7-3 23:53 编辑

30# kaijuncc
等了小腐老师两天，老师怎么消失了啊~~>.<!!
明天就要实习了，可能就要两天才能写一篇了。。。。
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-7-3 23:47:49

本帖最后由 冰雪蜂鸟 于 2011-7-3 23:49 编辑

32# xiangtuo

不好意思今天特别忙，还没有来的及改你的文章，但是看到你的文章已经是一个月前写的了，还需要改吗？先和你交流几个问题~

1、前几天也有人和我提过长句太多的问题，应该回归短句或者长短结合。谢谢你的意见！前一段时间一直在看GRE/GMAT长难句，所以自己也耳濡目染习惯写长难句了。。。。
2、至于提到America，并不特意写给老美看，也不是有前人说过，因为我在美国生活过一段时间，这些例子我比较熟悉而已。既然可以在文章里提China为什么不能提America呢？在第一段中我并不只是只写校友资助，我主要谈的是私立学校和公立学校的问题。而美国是一个非常典型以私立大学占多数的国家。第三段的例子中，公立校车是美国非常典型的场景。另外也是我的疏忽，“Boys and Girls club of America”是一个机构的全程，我忘记加引号了（已经在原文中补出），所以导致以为又在提美国。因为在这个机构实习过，所以比较熟悉。所以，我些例子全部都是基于熟悉，并不是为了迎合阅卷者的思想。
3、至于为什么没有继续写两个都好，是因为我写着写着实在觉得应该支持资助小孩子，我能写的理由更加充分，于是就改了~ 当然硬要写两个都好也是可以的。我去看看你的文章，然后给你留言在你的帖子里~

欢迎继续交流~~谢谢！# E% \' q( n7 g* o9 q  l& h
作者: Monitor2011    时间: 2011-7-4 23:29:27

看了两遍，没找出什么问题。
一点小小的建议，整篇文章题目是问政府应该怎么投资教育，楼主在3，4段支持观点的时候好像没有把政府花钱说的很清楚。这个也是我感觉这篇文章不太好写的地方。
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-7-14 20:12:24

本帖最后由 冰雪蜂鸟 于 2011-8-15 08:51 编辑

7月14日作业
04/03/09 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:  "The best way to improve the quality of education is to increase teachers' salaries."
作者: 应小呆    时间: 2011-7-15 16:40:34

欢迎你来改我的作文~
https://bbs.gter.net/thread-1280678-5-1.html

04/03/09 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:   "The best way to improve the quality of education is to increase teachers' salaries."



The issue of how to improve the quality of education has been discussed for several years. If I were asked whether increase teacher’s salary is a feasible method, my answer is positive.9 E- `- L" J( C$ P7 h9 B- [
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Those people hold （加一个the view 会不会更好些呢？）that the method cannot realize the goal may assert that the increase of instructor’s salary is unrelated with the education performance. Although the salary is increased, teachers are still lack of high-level knowledge, instruction skills and responsibility as they were in the past. However, if the method is implemented, we can forecast some pay back in the long run, such as the improvement of the quality of instruction and the attraction of（我不太清楚这个词的用法，attraction of在我的认识里面是sth的吸引力） more and more talents. Many educationists state that education is a never lose（同未见过这种结构，求解释~） investment, can we say that e3 }% m1 L# c& A5 @* J; U
  L9 F2 w2 n8 }0 E; Y/ [5 I
Increasing the salary of teacher can make teachers focus more on students and thus improve the education quality. Taking university professors as an example, many professors not only teach and research at university but also work for enterprises. Many even treat their work in corporation as main job and their work in university as a part-time job. There is a similar case, a great number of middle or high school teacher focus more on after-class training and private instruction. They become not available for their students in school. The main reason for this phenomenon is the low salary of teacher and thus higher salary job lured good teachers away. If teaching salary is increased, teachers will not turn on other means to get profits and, In return, more and more talents will be attracted to be a teacher. Thus, education quality is improved by retaining and attracting more competent teachers teaching students and instructing students more（这个more是修饰谁的呢？）.3 ~" x& ~7 O! @% M+ a% @1 m4 |, h+ ~
3 i! u$ h1 R1 l) I2 \
Moreover, increase（increasing） education investment expresses that government and schools attach more importance into education. As we all know that to improve education quality, both teacher and student should have the norm of improve(improving) their performance. Not only should teachers take more responsibility into education, but also students make more effort to study. The increase of tuition caused by the increase of teaching salary will make students treat the learning opportunity more valuable and take more advantage of schools. Through this way, both teachers and students have more motivation to make the education quality better.(后面这个观点很新颖呢，但我有个小疑问，学费上升、部分学生就会离开学校，总的教育质量不就下降了吗？)



# h9 r8 _# _" y
To be admitted, although increase（increasing） teaching salary may not have immediate effect of education quality, the education quality will be improved in more promoted and effective in this way.
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-7-15 22:18:53

37# 应小呆

attraction 貌似有吸引的意思吧，我再去查查。谢谢！
Many educationists state that education is a never lose investment, can we say that the education investment will bring huge benefits?
这句话中state是动词，意思是阐述，和say的意思一样。
Thus, education quality is improved by retaining and attracting more competent teachers teaching students and instructing students more by those teachers.这样有没有好些呢？
谢谢指正后面两个主语的问题！
我认为，本文讨论尤其是倒数第二段，讨论的是增长工资是否能够曾倩教育质量的问题。在此阐述一两个理由和例子就可以了，其他的反面问题，尤其是这种带有疑问的问题，就不要说也不要想了。否则就削弱自己了。只要把正面的说好了就好了。
继续讨论，谢谢指教~
作者: 应小呆    时间: 2011-7-16 16:21:08

我问的是那个never lose结构~
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-7-17 01:29:49

本帖最后由 冰雪蜂鸟 于 2011-8-15 08:52 编辑

7月16日作业/7月18日作业
2/12/2010 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: In a cooperation of team, the people who cannot accept criticize couldn’t be successful. Use specific reasons and examples to support your idea.

都快写一个小时了>< 下次要掐时间！
作者: 应小呆    时间: 2011-7-17 08:19:28

7月16日作业


V2/12/2010 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: In a cooperation of team, the people who cannot accept criticize couldn’t be successful. Use specific reasons and examples to support your idea.1 N* o$ |- l& d, O: `7 b




都快写一个小时了>< 下次要掐时间！0 D$ D% A# Y; W, N( t( f3 R
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As the old saying goes “failure is mother of success”, success is always accompanied with criticize. When I am enrolled in a group work, I am always expecting and accepting any criticize, because criticism can improve my behavior.! Y/ F  e& X9 E/ u/ `  n6 n




Those people who never adopt advices from other people may be confidence（confident） that they can perform well on the task and do not need any revise. Follow this notion, what they should do is following their correct experiences in the past and take（taking） their own way.  However, can we say that is this life style narrows one’s scope and barricades one’s step?



However, criticizes and advices from other people, especially from members of cooperation team, are pretty useful that can point out a promising way when in difficulty. As a fable demonstrates, a bird, a crab and a dog want to move a big rock together. Even though they spare no effort to drag the rock, the rock cannot move even a little bit. The reason why the rock cannot move is that the bird drags the rock upward, the dog drags it forward, and the crab drags the rock to its left. They are not work in the same direction. A criticize and correction is needed in this critical moment to recommend them （to）move the rock in one direction. This philosophy is applicable to team work in reality too. Accept（Accepting） advice humbly can help people work more efficient and successful./ L( l$ ^, T7 m; ?: |5 Z3 A% G9 v7 A; v




Moreover, Accepting(accepting) criticize means that people are blessed with a golden opportunity to expand the horizon of knowledge, develop the potential and cultivate the logical thinking. Suppose, one is forever work in one format, one will never know what else he or she can do, thus making it impossible for him or her to develop his or her potential. Besides, other people’s advice gives one an opportunity to try whatever he or she is fond of. Criticism is sometimes unpleasant and unacceptable, yet it is this that forces people to make wiser judgment and acquire more knowledge to adapt them to this ever-accelerated society. In this way, people’s view is expanded and their logical thinking can be cultivated.5 H. H9 t/ }2 M; [




As discussed previously, although criticism for some people is unacceptable, it is an important attitude and skill when work in a cooperate group.
作者: qqweer2007    时间: 2011-7-17 09:30:01

40# 冰雪蜂鸟
7月16日作业
2/12/2010 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: In a cooperation of team, the people who cannot accept criticize couldn’t be successful. Use specific reasons and examples to support your idea.G1 Y0 s" e6 t  g: `: L* l0 P' W
As the old saying goes “failure is mother of success”, success is always accompanied with criticize. When I am enrolled in a group work, I am always expecting and accepting any criticize, because criticism can improve my behavior.
Those people who never adopt advices from other people may be confidence that they can perform well on the task and do not need any revise(amendment/revising). Follow this notion, what they should do is follow their correct experiences in the past and take their own way.  However, can we say that is this life style narrows one’s scope and barricades one’s step? (为什么要反问。)
However, criticizes and advices from other people, especially from members of cooperation team, are pretty useful that can point out a promising way when in difficulty. As a fable demonstrates, a bird, a crab and a dog want to move a big rock together. Even though they spare no effort to drag the rock, the rock cannot move even a little bit. The reason why the rock cannot move is that the bird drags the rock upward, the dog drags it forward, and the crab drags the rock to its left. They are not work in the same direction.（这个故事的寓意跟这段的论点有偏差啊。） A criticize and correction is needed in this critical moment to recommend them move the rock in one direction. This philosophy is applicable to team work in reality too. Accept（Accepting） advice humbly can help people work more efficient and successful.
Moreover, Accepting criticize means that people are blessed with a golden opportunity to expand the horizon of knowledge, develop the potential and cultivate the logical thinking. Suppose, one is forever work in one format, one will never know what else he or she can do, thus making it impossible for him or her to develop his or her potential. Besides, other people’s advice gives one an opportunity to try whatever he or she is fond of. Criticism is sometimes unpleasant and unacceptable, yet it is this that forces people to make wiser judgment and acquire more knowledge to adapt them to this ever-accelerated society. In this way, people’s view is expanded and their logical thinking can be cultivated.A- `. o7 B+ R
As discussed previously, although criticism for some people is unacceptable, it is an important attitude and skill when work in a cooperate group.


句式多变一些，尽量减少口语化的表达，挺流畅的，不错。
作者: april0515    时间: 2011-7-18 23:16:59

7月16日作业/7月18日作业
2/12/2010 Do you agree or disagree with the following statement: In a cooperation of team, the people who cannot accept criticize couldn’t be successful. Use specific reasons and examples to support your idea.

都快写一个小时了>< 下次要掐时间！

As the old saying goes “failure is mother of success”, success is always accompanied with criticizecriticism . When I am enrolled in a group work, I am always expecting and accepting any criticizecriticism, because criticism can improve my behavior.

Those people who never adopt advicesadvice from other people may be confidenceconfident that they can perform well on the task and do not need any revise. Follow this notion, what they should do isto follow their correct experiences in the past and take their own way.  However, can we say that is this life style narrows one’s scope and barricades one’s step?

However, criticizes and advicescriticism and advice from other people, especially from members of cooperation team, are pretty useful that can point out a promising way when in difficulty. As a fable demonstrates, a bird, a crab and a dog want to move a big rock together. Even though they spare no effort to drag the rock, the rock cannot move even a little bit. The reason why the rock cannot move is that the bird drags the rock upward, the dog drags it forward, and the crab drags the rock to its left. They are not work in the same direction. A criticize and correction is needed in this critical moment to recommend them move the rock in one direction. This philosophy is applicable to team work in reality too. Accept Acceptingadvice humbly can help people work more efficient and successful.

Moreover, Accepting criticize means that people are blessed with a golden opportunity to expand the horizon of knowledge, develop the potential and cultivate the logical thinking. Suppose, one is forever work in one format, one will never know what else he or she can do, thus making it impossible for him or her to develop his or her potential. Besides, other people’s advice gives one an opportunity to try whatever he or she is fond of. Criticism is sometimes unpleasant and unacceptable, yet it is this that forces people to make wiser judgment and acquire more knowledge to adapt them to this ever-accelerated society. In this way, people’s view is expanded and their logical thinking can be cultivated.

As discussed previously, although criticism for some people is unacceptable, it is an important attitude and skill when workworking in a cooperate group.

觉得论点还不错，第一段写接受批评有助于团队合作 但个人觉得例子有点牵强
第二点写接受批评有助于扩展知识面，个人觉得这里逻辑不是很强。为什么接受批评可以扩展知识面，接受哪些批评可以扩展知识面？如果能再详细点就更好了~~~ ） 总体还是不错的，语言可以更加丰富一些）
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-7-19 22:50:29

7月19日
1/30/2010 Do you agree that the government should support the scientificresearch even there is no practical use?

Scientific research is to education what water is to fish. Asalmost every country regard education as a essential mission, government shouldsupport the scientific research undoubtedly even though it is useless.

Those people who hold that government should not supportscientific research any more may assert that it is better to invest the moneyto some quick-returned investment instead of the scientific research, most ofwhich is useless. Not only students learn little from it, but also spent agreat deal of ineffective effort in the process. However, the people who neverexperienced a real scientific research cannot understand what it brings to us. Ineffect, what an individual inherent from a scientific research is not merelythe topic of the project but an extremely valuable opportunity to access to thesource of high-level education.

The government support is urged to strengthen the education. Frommy experience of scientific research, I feel that it helps me learn the way ofsolving practical things, cultivate logical thinking and the ability of learnby myself. To complete this research, I learn the fundamental knowledge of thesubject, draw logic research plan and solve every emergence emerge in theresearch. Without of government, I cannot have this learning opportunity, the financialsource to operate the project and, what is more important, the seeminglyuseless for society but creative achievement. Therefore, although at the firstglance the scientific research, especially student research, is fruitless, governmentshould give strong support to it.

Moreover, the benefit from scientific research to the society andthe world are more compelling. Many professional scientific research institutessuch as Chinese Academy of Science routinely do national large-scale project.It cannot deny that most of the research are not famous and fruitless in theend or are only one part of other project that cannot render result in aminute. However, once the achievement is published, huge benefit will be gainedsuch as financial reward, government reputation and technology update. The mostfamous research achievement is Mars-venture techniques. From this point ofview, government should spare no effort to support scientific research.

Admitted, most of scientific research, both student research andnational project, cannot give society a quick pay back. Government shouldsupport it unconditionally to better educate individuals and flourishing thesociety.
作者: 超级猴子    时间: 2011-7-20 09:41:35

Scientific research is to education what water is to fish. As almost every country regard education as a essential mission, government should support the scientific research undoubtedly even though it is useless.

Those people who hold that government should not support scientific research any more may assert that it is better to invest the money to（in，invest in） some quick-returned investment instead of the scientific research, most of which is useless. Not only students learn little from it, but also spent a great deal of ineffective effort in the process. However, the people who never experienced a real scientific research cannot understand what it brings to us. In effect, what an individual inherent(inherits，我猜你想表达的是继承的意思吧) from a scientific research is not merely the topic of the project but an extremely valuable opportunity to access to the source of high-level education.

The government support is urged to strengthen the education. From my experience of scientific research, I feel that it helps me learn the way of solving practical things, cultivate logical thinking and the ability of learn by myself. To complete this research, I learn the fundamental knowledge of the subject, draw logic research plan and solve every emergence emerged during the research. Without of(没看出这个OF和那里搭配) government, I cannot have this learning opportunity, the financial source to operate the project and, what is more important, the seemingly useless for society but creative achievement. Therefore, although at the first glance the scientific research, especially student research, is fruitless, government should give strong support to it.

Moreover, the benefit for the society and the world caused by scientific research are more compelling. Many professional scientific research institutes such as Chinese Academy of Science routinely do national large-scale project. It cannot deny that most of the research are not famous and fruitless in the end or are only one part of other project that cannot render result in a minute. However, once the achievement is published, huge benefit will be gained such as financial reward, government reputation and technology update. The most famous research achievement is Mars-venture techniques. From this point of view, government should spare no effort to support scientific research.

Admitted, most of scientific research, both student research and national project, cannot give society a quick pay back. Government should support it unconditionally to better educate individuals and flourishing the society.
蜂鸟好厉害，让我看到自己的差距啊，努力努力再努力。
互助提高，共同进步！
我的在这https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=1285620&pid=1775370340&page=1&extra=#pid1775370340，谢啦
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-7-22 10:20:10

7月21日
9/11/2009 Do you agree with the following statement? It is only worth watchingmovies that can teach us something about real life?
写的很仓促>< 麻烦狠批！


It is widely accepted that we all live in a real society which is fullof difficulties and everyday trifles that we have to overcome. And governmentand press have the responsibility to educate citizens to have the ability tolive better. While, according to this notion, can we say that we should onlywatch movies that can teach us something about real life? My answer is definitelyno.

Those who assert that movies without teaching function areworthless to watch may believe that this kind of movies are useless for peopleand to watch it is a waste of time and money. What they should do is focustheir attention only on the movie topic that we probably will encounter in ourfuture life. To be true, this action seems to be useful and helpful in our reallife. However, can we draw a telling conclusion that it is this kind of notiontotally narrowed our scope and barricades our steps?

As for me, some seemingly unrealistic movies are always bringing tous more than we can experience in the whole life and thus benefit us more. Itcannot deny that, for an individual, we can only experience a limited number ofthings and we have to seek for other means to make ourselves knowledgeable. A famousHollywood movie “A.I.”, made by Steven Spielberg, conveys a moving story about anartificial intelligence boy and real people. This topic is far away from our reallife, however, this movie, as a kind of literature art, express to us adifferent and new world which we may not have the chance to experience in reallife. Thus, for individual unrealistic movie can breakthrough our normal notionand make ours life vigorous.

Moreover, the movie that cannot teach us in real life is stillworth watching for its value to literature and art and its contribution to thesociety. Another movie “Transformer”, which is famous all over the word and isfar from our daily life either, is a story about car transformers protect peopleand rescue the world. This movie, or fiction movie, was made by advancedcomputer techniques and comes out pretty shaking three-dimension visual effect.Transformer series movie have brought society and world huge profits andreputation. What is more, we are living in the time when movie has become anindustry. We should support our national industry to make our societyprosperous.

Admitted, some instruction function movies are more helpful anduseful for our individual, taking more long-view factors into consideration, unrealisticmovies are sill worthy to watch because they can produce much more benefits forus.
作者: theflyfish    时间: 2011-7-22 12:40:18

改好了。
今天这组同学的文章写得都比我好，压力好大。
作者: wendy316    时间: 2011-7-22 15:22:30

改好咯，亲，注意查收，给个好评哦。
作者: jenniferso    时间: 2011-7-22 21:40:20

It is widely accepted that we all live in a real society which is full of difficulties and everyday trifles that we have to overcome. And（and无意义，删除） government and press have the responsibility to educate citizens to have the ability to live better. While, according to this notion, can we say that we should only watch movies that can teach us something about real life?（这两句似乎没有任何逻辑关系） My answer is definitely no.3 v- c: y& @" _+ O

Those who assert that movies without teaching（educational may be better）
function are worthless to watch may believe that this kind of movies are useless for people and to watch（for people to watch, no and）(此句过长) it is a waste of time and money. What they should do is focus their attention only on the movie topic that we probably will encounter in ourfuture life（be probably encountered in our future life）. To be true, this action (what action, 指代不清晰，会引起歧义，因为前面有两种action,一个是看有教育意义的，一个是看无教育意义的)seems to be useful and helpful in our reallife. However, can we draw a telling conclusion that it is这个it is 可以删除
this kind of notion totally narrowed our scope and barricades our steps?7 m) r4 d# s, C5 h# S, ~+ @8 ]( N
. t. x: p& U  |$ d3 L  ~1 w
As for me, some seemingly unrealistic movies are always bringing to (TO 删除)us more than we can experience in the whole life and thus benefit us more(意思与前半句重复). It cannot deny that, for an individual, we （单复数一致问题）can only experience a limited number of things and we have to seek for other means to make ourselves knowledgeable. A famousHollywood movie “A.I.”, made by Steven Spielberg, conveys a moving story about anartificial intelligence boy and real people. This topic is far away from our reallife, however, this movie, as a kind of literature art, express to us (give us)a different and new world which we may not have the chance to experience in reallife. Thus, for individual(删除) unrealistic movie can breakthrough our normal notion and make ours life vigorous. 4 Z% v- h% w2 N% m/ Z% [) B

Moreover, the movie that cannot teach us in real life is still worth watching for its value to literature and art and its contribution to the society. Another movie “Transformer”, which is famous all over the word and is far from our daily life either, is a story about car transformers protect people and rescue the world. This movie, or fiction movie, was made by advanced computer techniques and comes out pretty shaking three-dimension visual effect. Transformer series movie have brought society and world huge profits and reputation. What is more, we are living in the time when movie has become an industry. We should support our national industry to make our society prosperous.* B4 V3 G' n! w

Admitted, some instruction function movies are more helpful and useful for our individual, taking more long-view factors into consideration, unrealistic movies are sill worthy to watch because they can produce much more benefits for us.(后半句和前半句表达的是同一个意思？重复说了)
作者: 言寺林夕    时间: 2011-7-23 14:19:10

加油！
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-7-23 14:31:31

7月22日作业
综合写作TOP11     第一次写综合><

The speaker argues thatthe declination of literature is not a negative phenomenon. She provides astark contrast to the unwarranted, and wholly negative, statement provided inthe article. Rather than blame the people and audience, the speaker suggests thatthe culture is changed and authors should responsible for it.

The speaker challengesthe article's claim that reading fewer books leads to the missing out onimportant benefits such as exercise our imaginations, help other people andbroaden our horizon. She believes although literature may have some valuablecharacteristics, it does not mean literature is of great quality and canstimulate intellectual. In addition, other book categories, such as Science,History and Political, are of much greater quality and creatively that can alsohelp people become knowledgeable and intelligent.

The speaker also takesissue with the argument that spending time on entertainment, which used tospend on reading, cause culture missing. Instead, she demonstrates that cultureis changing in the ever-accelerating world and can be expressed in othervarious forms. We cannot say that watching a classic music concert and educatedmovie is a waste of time. Although people read fewer books, the culture is keptand expressed.

Finally, the speakerdisagrees with the writer of the article that a lack of audience is the mainreason of the tendency of reading less. Instead, poor authors shouldresponsible for it because their language is not understandable. Thus, readingless literature has not that much negative effect as the article shows.
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-7-23 15:03:50

48# wendy316

谢谢，好评的~~
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-7-23 15:05:42

50# 言寺林夕

哈哈谢谢，你也加油！
作者: 羊小咩89    时间: 2011-7-23 15:33:32

本帖最后由 羊小咩89 于 2011-7-23 15:35 编辑

The speaker argues that the declination of literature is not a negative phenomenon.（貌似lecture里面没有说这个观点吧） She provides as tark contrast to the unwarranted, and wholly negative, statement provided in the article. Rather than blame (blaming)the people and audience, the speaker suggests that the culture is changed and authors should responsible for it.( ^5 @+ k' V$ V

The speaker challenges the article's claim that reading fewer books leads to the missing out on important benefits such as exercise our imaginations, help(helping) other people and broaden our horizon. She believes although literature may have some valuable characteristics, it does not mean literature is of great quality and can stimulate intellectual. In addition, other book categories, such as Science, History and Political, are of much greater quality and creatively (creativity) that can also help people become knowledgeable and intelligent.' W# O7 A3 M5 _" U) j7 ~# ]

1 s5 t1 c0 C: L$ XThe speaker also takes issue with the argument that spending time on entertainment, which used to spend on reading,(to) cause culture missing. Instead, she demonstrates that culture is changing in the ever-accelerating world and can be expressed in other various forms. We cannot say that watching a classic music concert and(or) educated movie is a waste of time. Although people read fewer books, the culture is kept and expressed.（这个应该也是加上去的个人观点吧，lecture中并没有提到）

) o, Z7 O% h0 T2 a2 B3 QFinally, the speaker disagrees with the writer of the article that a lack of audience is the main reason of the tendency of reading less. Instead, poor authors should (be) responsible for it because their language is not understandable. (有点歧义，其实主要原因是intended to be difficult to understand)Thus, reading less literature has not that much negative effect as the article shows.(没有必要show ur opinion，只用说与reading中所持观点相反就可以了)

ps.麻烦下次上传时至少先把词间的断句弄好吧。。。实在是很难看清喔

https://bbs.gter.net/viewthread.php?tid=1286661&page=1&extra= 我的在这里，各种求教 O(∩_∩)O
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-7-23 16:26:59

本帖最后由 冰雪蜂鸟 于 2011-8-15 08:52 编辑

7月22日
6/26/2010 Do you agree with the following statement? People whohave learned many different skills are more likely to succeed than those whofocus on learning only one skill.
作者: Jenius    时间: 2011-7-23 19:03:43

本帖最后由 Jenius 于 2011-7-23 19:05 编辑

Over the past several years,more and more widely specialize(specialized) talents have been required in society.Carefully(Careful) observation can find that holding(觉得不是太妥，换一个词呢？) various skills are one of common characteristics those people have. Following this trend, I am incline(inclined) to believe that learning more different skills can promote one’s career success.
Those who assert that people who focus on one skills(skill) are more likely to have a prosperous future may believe that focusing on only one field can dig in a specific area deeper due to the limited energy one may has(have). What those people should do is trying to be more professional and skillful (in this area and )only in this area. Can we draw a telling conclusion that it is this notion limited one’s scope and barricaded one’s step?
As for me, a multi-skilled background is more helpful for my future career. A multi-skilled background can help one has access to different fields and, what is more important, it means one are(is) knowledgeable and have(has) better understanding of the task appointed to his or her. A friend of mine has focused on his major in literature for his entire college time with little basic science courses. After graduate, he got an internship in Electronic field. Due to his limited knowledge about other area, he did not make any sense about Electronic and technical term and of course have(had) great difficulties in doing his work. Finally the company did not offer him the job. Hence, more knowledge on(in) other field will widely broaden somebody’s future road.
Moreover,possess(possessing) various skills can not only benefit individual but also the society. In scientific research, cross field research, which is more and more demanded in the society, is a strong force that drives the scientific and technology advance. My professor, who has Computer Science, Psychology and Linguistic degree, used to do a research related to Web Science. She implemented one of experiment(the experiments) by psychology method. Without doubt, it was a breakthrough in Web Science and she(was觉得reward后面加success 有点不当) also rewarded a great success and reputation. I cannot help myself to say(saying) that to learn more skills is compelling for me.
To be admitted, one can have a deeper understanding when he or she only focus on one field and thus making great contribution, learning more skills can bring about more benefit for us individual to success and also the society.


第一次改··不对的地方还请lz指正，探讨~~
作者: Jenius    时间: 2011-7-23 20:27:36

@冰雪蜂鸟~昨天这篇综合还没做到~做到了再来看啦~~
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-7-23 21:03:56

56# Jenius

我看了一下，你独立写作的分组应该是“超级猴子/Jenius/kagomerw”啊，不应该是改我的呀>< 不过没有关系啦，谢谢你。我一会也去改你的！
作者: Jenius    时间: 2011-7-23 21:20:46

56# Jenius

我看了一下，你独立写作的分组应该是“超级猴子/Jenius/kagomerw”啊，不应该是改我的呀>< 不过没有关系啦，谢谢你。我一会也去改你的！
冰雪蜂鸟 发表于 2011-7-23 21:03

原来是这样，一排一个分组啊！！！我以为只分了一个组····我错了···混乱了
作者: theflyfish    时间: 2011-7-23 22:56:04

改好了。优点是很流畅，读起来很顺。但是语法错误不少，特别是词性变化方面。

作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-7-24 01:29:44

本帖最后由 冰雪蜂鸟 于 2011-7-24 15:41 编辑

7月21日作业修改版
谢谢theflyfish, wendi316, jenniferso的批改！  我的问题：1. 用词不准确，尤其是形容词  2. 用词多样性不够

9/11/2009 Do you agree with the following statement? It is only worth watchingmovies that can teach us something about real life?
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-7-24 14:24:14

本帖最后由 冰雪蜂鸟 于 2011-8-15 08:53 编辑

7月23日 独立作业
6/19/2010Do you agree with the following statement? If you need to discuss upsetting orcontroversial problems with others, using e-mail/text messaging is better thanusing telephone/voice-messaging.
又超时了>< 下次一定早交作业！
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-7-24 15:34:01

7月23日综合作业
严格按时间完成，听力只听一篇>< 第二次写综合，还不会写，望狠批！


The lecture is mainly discussed that theevidence support by the article that the recently published painting is JaneAusten is unconvincing.

First of all, the speaker demonstrates thatthe portrait was published around seventy years later after Jane Austen'sdeath, which means that there are no Austen family members who had the chance tosee the portrait still living. This point is contrary to the article thatAusten's family recognized it and point out the girl is Jane.

Moreover, the speaker points out that thereare some cousins of Jane Austen are at about the same age with Jane and they resembleJane Austen pretty much. And it is possible that the recently published portraitis a sketch of one of her cousin. This claim destroys the statement in thearticle that the resemblance of Jane's sister Cassandra's sketch of Jane provethe teenager girl is Jane.

Finally, the speaker argues that it cannot drawthe conclusion merely because the portrait style is similar to the paintingstyle of Ozias Humphrey, who was a professional portrait painter Austen familywould hire. In fact, the portrait was sold by a man called William at a timewhen Jane Austen has been 27 years old, an age obviously older than the girl inthe portrait.

In conclusion, the speaker challenges thethree points in the article that the teenager girl in the portrait is not JaneAusten.
作者: theflyfish    时间: 2011-7-25 23:19:29

谢谢帮我改文章。
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-7-26 11:38:53

65# theflyfish

咱们是一组的，你还没有改我的作文。
你上传的作文和你楼上上传的是一样的！
作者: theflyfish    时间: 2011-7-26 14:10:46

不好意思传错了。
作者: 应小呆    时间: 2011-7-27 14:25:32

7月22日" i9 X$ X9 E+ C3 l" [% Q" B
6/26/2010 Do you agree with the following statement? People whohave learned many different skills are more likely to succeed than those whofocus on learning only one skill.: d0 ?5 n2 ?' n( m




Over the past several years,more and more widely specialized talents have been required in society.Carefully observation can find that holding various skills are(is) one of (我觉得加一个those更好，更有强调的意味~) common characteristics those people have. Following this trend, I am inclined to believe that learning more different skills can promote one’s career success.) m+ i: I3 b  ?9 l4 r/ w$ |* x
/ K! p4 D: B: y! n- Z8 p& v2 g

Those who assert that people who focus on one skills are more likely to have a prosperous future may believe that focusing on only one field can dig in a specific area deeper due to the limited energy one may has. What those people should do is trying to be more professional and skillful in this area and only in thisarea. Can we draw a telling conclusion that it is this notion limited one’s scope and barricaded one’s step?（这也是一种新写法吖，学习了~）, S# ^' S. X( |9 v
# z7 H" N9 I- b5 U# R

As for me, a multi-skilled background is more helpful for my future career. Amulti-skilled background can help one has access to different fields and, what is more important, it means one are knowledgeable and have better understanding of the task appointed to his or her. A friend of mine has focused on his major in literature for his entire college time with little basic science courses. After graduate, he got an internship in Electronicfield. Due to his limited knowledge about other area, he did not make any sense about Electronic and technical term and of course have great difficulties in doing his work. Finally the company did not offer him the job. Hence, more knowledge on other field will widely broaden（意思重复了） somebody’s future road.



) G5 N1 K9 I, ^  N" O
Moreover,possessing various skills can not only benefit individual but also the society. Inscientific research, cross field research, which is more and more demanded in thesociety（修饰对象不明）, is a strong force that drives the scientific and technology advance.（主语不明） Myprofessor, who has Computer Science, Psychology and Linguistic degree, used to do a research related to Web Science. She implemented one of experiment by psychology method. Without doubt, it was a breakthrough in Web Science and she also rewarded a great success and reputation. I cannot help myself to say that to learn more skills is compelling for me.

G! [5 j" I* P
To be admitted, one can have a deeper understanding when only focus on one field and thus making great contribution, learning more skills can bring about morebenefit for us individual to success and also the society.& V  Y$ R5 }8 S3 U  m5 U
(425)

要注意词与词之间的空格吖，不然很多地方会有误解
作者: xiamentou    时间: 2011-7-28 11:46:28

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作者: rlj021    时间: 2011-7-28 14:12:33

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作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-7-30 00:12:35

70# rlj021

谢谢啦>< 互相帮助，继续加油！
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-7-30 00:14:23

7月29日
独立写作
作者: fyxloveu    时间: 2011-7-30 12:42:26

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作者: fyxloveu    时间: 2011-7-30 13:22:33

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作者: theflyfish    时间: 2011-7-30 15:58:15

改好了
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-7-30 16:57:33

本帖最后由 冰雪蜂鸟 于 2011-7-31 10:25 编辑

7月29日
综合写作TPO17
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-7-31 10:24:24

本帖最后由 冰雪蜂鸟 于 2011-7-31 11:54 编辑

7月30日综合
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-7-31 10:24:51

7月30日 独立
我怎么感觉我这个作文我两年前就写过> <
作者: fyxloveu    时间: 2011-7-31 10:42:04

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作者: fyxloveu    时间: 2011-7-31 10:42:28

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作者: 愤怒公爵    时间: 2011-7-31 12:47:12

7月30日综合，改好了，不知道怎么发附件，就直接在帖子里面回复了

20080823NA A teacherwho is serious and strict is more efficient than a teacher who uses humor andwho is easygoing.

A humorous and easygoing teacher is alwaysa most popular teacher but is not always the most efficient teacher in aschool. If I were ask learning from which type of teacher, serious and strictor humor and easygoing, can you absorb knowledge more efficient and effective?(这个长句，我都晕倒了，好) My answer will be definitely the former.

开头好直接啊，是不是可以加一些修饰呢？

Those people who assert that humorous andeasygoing teachers are more fruitful in education may believe that theirinstructions are more acceptable because of their cordial characteristic. In aclass, students not only can learn from the reference book, but even（but also） canlearn from the funny instances made by humorous teachers, which give a hand to studentsto understand the class. However, students, particularly young children wholack self-control, may focus their attention only on jokes instead of the realknowledge that（个人偏好，定语从句加先行词更地道一些）
they should learn. Can we draw atelling conclusion that it is the easygoing type of teaching slows students’study progress?

As for me, taking the class of a strictteacher makes me feel I can concentrate more on class and, what is moreimportant, I will strict with myself. Teachers who are serious and strictalways present more content in a class, making use of time used by the humorousteacher for making jokes. I used to learn from a strict and knowledgeableteacher in high school. Her strict logic thinking and substantive instructcontent push us immerse into the Math world not only in the whole class butalso after class. All of the student in my class got abetter grade and became enthusiasm about Math. Therefore, as a conclusion madeby a professor in Peking University, student may study happily with pushoverteachers, but strict teachers can bring about more to students.

Moreover, rather than merely the schoolwork, other excellent characteristics from a rigorous teacher are also valuableand worth appreciate. A rigorous teacher will never be strict with his or herstudent without be strict with him or her own. Always, at the same time when I benefitfrom the rigorous school work, the characteristics of serious teacher alwaysinfluence on me a lot, such as diligent working attitude, great working passionand responsibility towards students. Is not it the most efficient education thatnot only teaches you scientific knowledge but also how to be an all-around developedperson and build up your personality?

第三个论点感觉与第二个论点重复，不过写得很好。

Admittedly, amiable teachers are seeminglymore accessible. Strict and Serious teachers are the person who can bring aboutyou some hand-on and real-world education. Thus, Strict and Serious teachersare more efficient and effective in teaching.

楼主牛人，我都找不到什么大错，只能根据文章总体排了，楼主词汇量好广啊，楼主托福都考多少分啊？整篇文章不是典型的三段论，但是论点都很完整，容易理解，有说服力，逻辑清楚，写得不错！！
作者: 愤怒公爵    时间: 2011-7-31 12:49:21

7月30日 TPO18

The article provides three methods to point out the decline of Terreya taxifoha and keep Terreya from extinct. However, the lecture with examples states that all of these three solutions cannot satisfy the desired goal.

Reestablish Torreya in the same area where it prosperous for thousands of years is the first option challenged by the speaker. As global warming contributes to increasing temperature in the region and thus climate change in North Florida is influenced, the dryer and dryer microclimate which used to be suitable for growing Torrey would not provide proper condition for Terrey.

The speaker points out the severe consequences will occurs if migrate Torreya to an entirely different location, which is an(another可能好一点) option mentions in the article. The lecture demonstrates with a vivid example of another human assisted migration of another plant. The tree spreads too quickly in the new area and kills almost all of the native species which is already in danger of extinction.（原文中是some of them 你这样写变成全部了） Thus, in order to protect those native plants and avoid unimagined outcome, migrating Torreya to a new place is not a plausible solution.（你超越了原文的想法啊，原文中只是UNPRIDICTABLE）

Finally, the speaker marks that rear Torreya in research centers cannot be successful. There are two criteria need to guarantee Torreya survive, which is large habitat and genetically diverse. Natural habitat can meet the criteria but research centers do not have the capacity.(感觉没有写完呢，capacity后面加定语 to contain a large population).

楼主强人啊，基本无语法错误，并且一看词汇量就很好，楼主英语基础一定很扎实。
不过这篇文章感觉不是很完整。开头和结尾稍加修饰可能更好一点、
作者: 师走99    时间: 2011-7-31 13:27:31

改的太晚了，不好意思哈~
7.29独立
作者: julijone    时间: 2011-7-31 13:34:30

7月30的独立
水平明显逊于楼主 改得不是见谅
作者: julijone    时间: 2011-7-31 13:40:16

独立很好 就不改了
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-7-31 18:17:49

82# 愤怒公爵
谢谢你的建议，我综合写得很不好，互相学习啦！
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-7-31 18:18:29

83# 师走99

我看了一下，和你不是一组的哇><
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-7-31 18:19:20

本帖最后由 冰雪蜂鸟 于 2011-7-31 18:23 编辑

85# julijone

你已经改过独立啦，你是不是要说综合不改了？
我综合都不会写呢，写的特别不好，还是麻烦改一下吧！多谢啦~~
作者: 年年年花    时间: 2011-8-1 03:46:30

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作者: season08    时间: 2011-8-1 23:09:05

冰雪疯鸟童鞋，我怎么样才能跟你一组呀，嘿嘿？
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-8-3 01:18:38

本帖最后由 冰雪蜂鸟 于 2011-8-3 01:21 编辑

8月2日 独立
今天的作文写得好烂><
作者: Fruit~    时间: 2011-8-3 03:41:29

2# 冰雪蜂鸟

小的语法错还是多了点， 另外不太清楚为啥老中爱用I AM INCLINED TO BELIEVE。 我基本没见过老美这么用， 人家就直街I BELIEVE/THINK。。。。。
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-8-3 08:40:51

本帖最后由 冰雪蜂鸟 于 2011-8-3 08:44 编辑

92# Fruit~
谢谢指导~
“我倾向于相信..." 这句话没有问题的吧，我怎么记得我听过也见过老美这样用> <
作者: Fruit~    时间: 2011-8-3 22:38:03

92# Fruit~
谢谢指导~
“我倾向于相信..." 这句话没有问题的吧，我怎么记得我听过也见过老美这样用>
冰雪蜂鸟 发表于 2011-8-3 08:40


这是老美客气的说法， 但作文里用这东西感觉在凑字数。

相信就相信了， 说我倾向于。。。。。 就是口语里的客气说法了。 我从没见过英文的JOURNAL PAPER会用INCLINED TO BELIEVE这种表达方法。

作文本身就是ACADEMIC WRITING。
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-8-3 23:43:57

94# Fruit~

OK，好吧><
谢谢这位啦~~以后还要多多指教哦~~
作者: Fruit~    时间: 2011-8-4 01:50:45

95# 冰雪蜂鸟

Seriously, I have never heard one single American use "I am inclined to say/think/believe....." after staying in the U.S. for 4+ years.  If they want to show their courtesy/uncertainty, they usually use "would" instead of "be inclined to".
作者: little_caty    时间: 2011-8-4 02:14:49

由于新手还不能上传，就只能贴在这了~

8月2日 20090807NA Parents should allow children to make their own choices rather than help determine children's future.

As an old saying goes: a wiser choice is much more essential than just work well. Parents always want to make wise choices for their children which can benefit children’s future. However, parents’ decisions are usually not suit well for children’s real condition. I am inclined to determine my future rather than let my parents make decisions for me.(这句话好像没有扣住主题的children啊）

Those who assert that it is better to allow parents to make decisions for their future may believe that the life road made by their parents is more stable and assured, because of parents’ abundant hand-on experiences, familiarity with children and mature social network. It seems that parents can always point out the most suitable life for them and lead them to the right direction. What they should do is following parents’ determination, being what parents want them to be and betraying their real interests. Can we draw a telling conclusion that it is this perspective that totally annihilates people’s happiness and barricades people’s creative?(欣赏了~但学不来~~)

As for me, following(感觉这里是不是用chasing更好呢) what I really want and making decisions of my own future is more desirable and appealing. Realizing what you want and being responsible for yourself should be the most important factors to be outlined. Take the arranged marriage as an example. In the last century in China, most of marriages are arranged by parents based on the occupation, wealth and social network. However, couples have little affection between each other and even do not have opportunity to acquire spouse’s appearance. As we can imagine, almost all of arranged marriage are tragedy with endless quarrels and unharmonious family ambience. A sociological research conducted by Peking University demonstrates that when one can choose one’s spouse freely, citizens are more satisfied with their current family and live more happily compared to that of the old time.

Moreover, making decisions of my own future is more breath-taking than stability. Making comparatively adventurous decision means that people are blessed with a golden opportunity to develop the potential, realize their interest and cultivate the creative thinking. Suppose, one is forever obeying his or her parents without his or her own in depth thinking, one will never know what he or she is really fond of and what his or her potential is. Yet people always need something new and creative, which is lack of in old generation’s perspectives, to adapt to the ever-accelerated society. In this way, not only individuals but also society, which benefits from the creative talents, makes progress. (这种断句学习了~)

Although parents’ experienced decisions are seemingly more convincing than the reckless decisions made by our self, parents’ advises cannot direct us to a promising future. Therefore, deciding ours own future becomes the unavoidable trend.

蜂鸟的文笔真是没话说~但是这个题目主要是讲children和parents之间的问题，总用第一人称表达观点是不是不太具有说服力啊，毕竟我们已经不算children了~不知道我这么想对不对，这样一来论述难度就增大了，只能靠多举例子支撑了，但是这方面的例子还不知道几个，我在写的时候就有这样的问题。
另外还想请教蜂鸟，要想使语言更地道要看什么材料啊？你平时都看什么给推荐一下吧~PM或者在帖子里留言都行，谢谢了~
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-8-4 14:59:08

8月3日独立

越写越烂了><
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-8-4 14:59:57

96# Fruit~

OK，接受意见，多谢你告诉我！下次一定注意！
作者: season08    时间: 2011-8-5 00:25:48

99# 冰雪蜂鸟


8月3日 20100115NA In order to become financially responsible adults,children should manage their own money at a young age.


The ability to management one’s financialwell has become(became?) increasingly importantat the ever-accelerated society. More and more parents would like to let theirchildren manage their money at a very young age. As far as I am concerned, itis absolutely a positive phenomenon that would help children become financiallyresponsible adults.


Those who assert that children should notmanage their own money too early may believe that children at a young ageusually have no notion about financial management. What they will do(你前方的主语是those who assertthat的那帮人，后面这个they就变得指代不明确了，最好还是点一下是children), when can takecharge of a great amount of money, is squander their parents’ money freely,without any responsibility, at every corner of the world（at的这句表达的意思是说全世界的孩子都一样？没懂）. However, do not most of people start with a disordered financialcondition when they first manage their money and then （begin to） use their money justified? Giving children the power to controltheir own money mean（means？） that they are blessed with a golden opportunity to develop themanagement potential,（and to be） familiar withthe society and cultivate responsibility.


As for me, management my own money when Iwas young laid a solid foundation for me （to？）build up my characteristics. I learnt to arrange my money rationaland, moreover, handle all things happens（happen？） on me with logical thinking. I pay（paid） for my tuitionand fees, decided what things should be invested, and made planning of a longrun. What is more, my parents always controlled the whole picture by granting acertain amount of money and screening the management process. Not only did Inever sink into a “financial crisis”, but also inherit the ability of beingresponsible for my choices and my life in the future. Thus, making decision by oneself（这块换成年轻时学会掌控钱比较好吧）can developvaluable personalities useful in the future for an individual.


Moreover, letting young children todetermine the use of their money is ever more compelling to the society. Ifyoung children can take charge of their finance, they will have more chances totry things they are interested in and find their potential they mightspecialized in earlier. If young children can make decision of whether theyshould pay for one thing, they would use money wiser and know more about thesociety though spending money in reality. If everyone is educated aboutfinancial management at an early age, there would be less irresponsible squanderhappens in our society. In this way, basic knowledge of financial managementshould be educated to young children not only for (thebenefit of) individual but also for our society.


Admittedly, there are some risks ofirrational squander of money of grant power for young children to use moneyfreely. However, taking more factors into consideration, parents are better to givethe opportunity to children to help them grow as a(?a与adults有冲突吧是不是？) responsible adults.
作者: 冰雪蜂鸟    时间: 2011-8-6 12:05:01

8月4日
独立作文

抱歉这么晚才放上来><



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