Issue19 第1篇 初试牛刀

glassfrogUID: 170569

Issue19  第1篇 让砖头来得更猛烈些吧！
------摘要------
作者：寄托家园作文版普通用户     共用时间：45分4秒     541 words
从2004年11月27日10时38分到2004年11月27日11时45分
------题目------
If a society is to thrive, it must put its own overall success before the well-being of its individual citizens.
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Well, for this topic, actually it is somewhat obscure since the well-being of individual citizens is not totally distinct from the society's overall success.  One can hardly imagine that a sustainable developing society can go without caring its poor people.

It is true that there is unfair stuff in the society. Someone is rich to enjoy BMW, while someone is poor to take a bus. And it is true that the development of a society ask for someone's sacrifice. The US's thriving is base on the tears and blood of Black and Indian. The UK has taken away farmer's land, forcing those entering cities to offer their labor with a low price. China is facing lots of people losing their job because of the reforming of national industry.

However, all these are just reasonable to happen because of the specific environment of that specific time. They are not reasonable to exit for a successful society. A successful society is the one with everyone having social security, health guaranteed, food safety, democracy, etc. Otherwise with an increasing gap between the rich and poor, the poor, without basic living safety, has to make a change to their lives in a fierce way. Then the society itself would be unstable, how can one say it is healthy?  

To achieve a health society, some principals is to be clarified. Firstly, those working more should get more, working less, getting less. Secondly, all the people should be guaranteed the basic living. Thirdly, democracy guaranteed to allow all the people, not only a few leaders, decide the direction of the development of a country. For these principals, all the people in the world are fighting, since no country has already reached the point. Let's see what we have done: Netherlands has the most famous social security in the world, all the people, even if no job can live a not bad life there. US and UK has the most advanced democracy in the world, all the people in the country has the right to comment the performance of government freely and publicly. China, with a 5000 year of dictation, has gradually entered a more and more democratic society, but still a long way to go.

All those are good news, but the principals themselves has internal conflicts. For example, absolute guaranteed of living could lead to the denial of the spirit of more working, more getting. If we take a deep look at Netherlands, we would find its people not so hard working since they can live without worrying about their job. And India is famous for its diversity. It has tens of totally different languages, and many religions. Like US and UK, India has the democratic social system. But Indians are somewhat embarrassing about it. Since hardly any decision could be made, even if made, they can hardly be carried out. The capital is suffering from a bad drainage system, but after years of debating, no agreement has been made to improve it.

All in all, the overall success cannot go without the well-being of its people, and since there is no society without one individual suffering, the well-being of its entire people could be the goal of all the society in the world.

花之颜色UID: 187195

Well, for this topic, actually it is somewhat obscure since the well-being of individual citizens is not totally distinct from the society's overall success. One can hardly imagine that a sustainable developing society can go without caringfor its poor people.

It is true that there is unfair stuff in the society. Someone is rich to enjoy BMW, while someone is poor to take a bus.some people……while others…… And it is true that the development of a society askasks for someone's sacrifice. The US's thriving is basebased on the tears and blood of Black and Indian. The UK has taken away farmer's land, forcing those entering cities to offer their labor with a low price. China is facing lots of people losing their joba rising unemployment because of the reformingreformation of national industry.

However, all these are just reasonable to happen because of the specific environment of that specific time. They are not reasonable to exitexist? for a successful society. A successful society is the one with everyone having social security, health guaranteed, food safety, democracy, etc. Otherwise with an increasing gap between the rich and poor, the poor, without basic living safety, hashave to make a change to their lives in a fierce way. Then the society itself would be unstable, how can one say it is healthy?

To achieve a health society, some principals isare to be clarified. Firstly, those working more should get more, working less, getting less. Secondly, all the people should be guaranteed the basic living. Thirdly, democracy guaranteed to allow all the people, not only a few leaders, decide the direction of the development of a country. For these principals, all the people in the world are fighting, since no country has already reached the point. Let's see what we have done: Netherlands has the most famous social security in the world, all the people, even if no job can live a not bad life there. US and UK has the most advanced democracy in the world, all the people in the country has the right to comment the performance of government freely and publicly. China, with a 5000 year of dictation, has gradually entered a more and more democratic society, but still a long way to go.

All those are good news, but the principals themselves has internal conflicts. For example, absolute guaranteed of living could lead to the denial of the spirit of more working, more getting. If we take a deep look at Netherlands, we would find its people not so hard working since they can live without worrying about their job. And India is famous for its diversity. It has tens of totally different languages, and many religions. Like US and UK, India has the democratic social system. But Indians are somewhat embarrassing about it. Since hardly any decision could be made, even if made, they can hardly be carried out. The capital is suffering from a bad drainage system, but after years of debating, no agreement has been made to improve it.

All in all, the overall success cannot go without the well-being of its people, and since there is no society without one individual suffering, the well-being of its entire people could be the goal of all the society in the world.

写的很自由啊～跟一般常见格式不同，每段中心句都不是太明确，不知道这种写法是好是坏，反正俺有点不太适应，改了一点小错（大毛病偶也看不太出来）B2和B3稍有重复的感觉。回答完毕～例子举的挺好，自愧不如～

imongUID: 140258

还记得你那个背单词日记呢 呵呵...占个座儿！

Well, for this topic, actually it is somewhat obscure since the well-being of individual citizens is not totally distinct（用词有误？） from the society's overall success. One can hardly imagine that a sustainable developing society can go without caring its poor people.

It is true that there is unfair stuff in the society. Someone is rich to enjoy BMW, while someone is poor to take a bus.（介词to用的有问题 实际上是个so that的关系 差不多So rich some are that ... enjoy BMW, so poor some others are that...的样子） And it is true that the development of a society ask for someone's（用得不好 这里似乎不是这样泛指） sacrifice. The US's thriving is base（based） on the tears and blood of Black and Indian. The UK has taken away farmer's land, forcing those entering cities to offer their labor with a low price. China is facing lots of people losing their job because of the reforming of national industry.（乱扯一气。这个题目讨论的是社会内部 所以关于U.S.血腥原始积累实际上关系不大 而后两者点到之后也不知道说的是什么。前面就没界定清楚 someone is to sacrifice, but who? how? to what extent? 全是虚的。相应的 文字就没体现出来对题目的回应 没体现出来态度）

However, all these are just reasonable to happen because of the specific environment of that specific time.（两个specific用得不地道） They are not reasonable to exit for a successful society. A successful society is the one with everyone having social security, health guaranteed, food safety, democracy, etc. Otherwise with an increasing gap between the rich and poor, the poor, without basic living safety, has to make a change to their lives in a fierce way. Then the society itself would be unstable, how can one say it is healthy? （看到这里 还是没明白回应在哪里）

To achieve a health society, some principals is to be clarified. Firstly, those working more should get more, working less, getting less. Secondly, all the people should be guaranteed the basic living. Thirdly, democracy guaranteed to allow all the people, not only a few leaders, decide the direction of the development of a country. For these principals, all the people in the world are fighting, since no country has already reached the point. Let's see what we have done: Netherlands has the most famous social security in the world, all the people, even if no job can live a not bad life there. US and UK has the most advanced democracy in the world, all the people in the country has the right to comment the performance of government freely and publicly. China, with a 5000 year of dictation, has gradually entered a more and more democratic society, but still a long way to go. （不知所云 说了很多 但是看不明白在哪里是回应题目）

All those are good news, but the principals themselves has internal conflicts. For example, absolute guaranteed of living could lead to the denial of the spirit of more working, more getting. If we take a deep look at Netherlands, we would find its people not so hard working since they can live without worrying about their job. And India is famous for its diversity. It has tens of totally different languages, and many religions. Like US and UK, India has the democratic social system. But Indians are somewhat embarrassing about it. Since hardly any decision could be made, even if made, they can hardly be carried out. The capital is suffering from a bad drainage system, but after years of debating, no agreement has been made to improve it.

All in all, the overall success cannot go without the well-being of its people, and since there is no society without one individual suffering, the well-being of its entire people could be the goal of all the society in the world.

（所看出来的是 对最基本的 题目回应 这一点 基本没有概念。先看看精华区的文章 什么是有效回应。文笔上并不老练 但是基础还算可以了 经过同步的积累和练习之后能够达到要求的。平时多和大家一起互相改改文章咯。）

imongUID: 140258

https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=148356

https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=130665

https://bbs.gter.net/showthread.php?s=&threadid=203735

可以先看看这几个

glassfrogUID: 170569

谢谢花之颜色和imong指点。
花之颜色那句：“写得很自由阿”真是说得我汗颜。由于现在阅读还不够多，所以还不能完全超越表达的约束而较好的组织行文结构。
imong就没有客气了，不过我知道这才是忠言的味道。
这是我写的第一篇，使用寄托家园的练习工具写作，并且限了时。我打字挺快，这是优势，不过还是需要苦练才能在文笔上有提高。
再次谢谢。