ISSUE130 第三次作业 求拍 留链互拍

钢琴宝宝UID: 2303982

Are children who are well-socialized the only power in future development of the society? And do we have not yet learn to educate children who are of profound significance for the better society? In my own perspective, one, to some degree, is supposed to adjust to the society, as hardly can anyone survive in mentally and physically healthy way without the society, however, socialization is merely one factor that determines the prospect of the world. And though there indeed there exist quite a few problems of the upbringing of the children in the society, people have faith in that they can raise children brilliantly and give them and the society a bright future.

To begin with, socialization seems play a vital role in the progress of the society, however, in my observation is a minor factor. Most individuals, if not all, are not born to know how to adjust to the society, how to cater to what other's demand, and how to camouflage themselves to be a genteel one that can be well get along with. During their childhood, some may be changed to be shrewd and ingenious; others probably remain the nature that they have trouble in communicating with their counterpart. It dose not mean, however, they would not devote themselves to the advancement of the society, or even are detriment to the world as quite a few considered. In most cases, they contribute to the development of the society exceedingly, but immerse in the field that they are familiar with and doing what they are interested in on their own. Take some scientists for example, a large portion of who are stay in the laboratory day and night, especially those who work in the confident fields, living separately with people, dedicate themselves to the advancement of human beings. Accordingly, children do not necessarily foster to be socialized ones as those who are not socialized also contribute to the society.

Indeed, currently the society face the headache that how to cultivate a child to be an effective and effectual one to the society. With the complex and intricate trend of the society, children are likely to become more complicated and confused, by which the criminal occurrence of the adolscents are in the rise, for they lost their compass in their life. In addition, parents in the household may suffer from exceedingly burden and extremely stress that they, sometimes, ignores the internal feeling of their children, but provide them their physical necessities. It is the foregoing pose the problem concerning to the children education.      

Now that we recognize the cause of the problem, it is undeniable that we have learned how to change the situation presented above. Living in the mundane world, children have met too many negative effect, and thus cannot discern the truth and false. Nevertheless, school can serve as the star in the dark for them, to teach them how to refuse the malign lure, or to guide them in a bright and correct way, even can, if possible, design special education for each student. Parents are also supposed to pay more heed to the growth of their children, not only give them sufficient financial aids, but also spare time to be with them in order to realize the real feeling of the children, and keep them healthy both mentally and physically. In that circumstance a child may grow up to be a one who exerts tremendously impact on the society.

In conclusion, socialization is not the indispensable characteristic a prominent one should have. In addition, even if individuals may encounter the masses of problems related to the education of the children, they have sufficient confidence that they will ultimately figure it out.  

[ 本帖最后由 钢琴宝宝 于 2008-1-24 09:05 编辑 ]

bryanshawUID: 2239455

Are children who are well-socialized the only power in future development of the society? And do we have not yet learn to educate children who are of profound significance for the better society? In my own perspective, one, to some degree, is supposed to adjust to the society, as hardly can anyone survive in mentally and physically healthy way without the society, however, socialization is merely one factor that determines the prospect of the world. And though there indeed there exist这个句法是不是有问题？quite a few problems of the upbringing of the children in the society, people have faith in that they can raise children brilliantly and give them and the society a bright future.  开头段说的比较详细了，包括社会关系的重要以及表达对能培养孩子这种能力的信心，扣题且观点鲜明，不错

To begin with,可不可以考虑去掉，直接开始好了，因为后面你没有递进关系 socialization seems （to）play a vital role in the progress of the society, however, in my observation，it is a minor factor. Most individuals, if not all, are not born to know how to adjust to the society, how to cater to what other's demand, and how to camouflage themselves to be a genteel one that can be well get along with. During their childhood, some may be changed to be shrewd and ingenious; others probably remain the nature that they have trouble in communicating with their counterpart. 句法问题again了It dose not mean, however, they would not devote themselves to the advancement of the society, or even are detriment to the world as quite a few considered. In most cases, they contribute to the development of the society exceedingly, but immerse in the field that they are familiar with and doing what they are interested in on their own. Take some scientists for example, a large portion of who are stay in the laboratory day and night, especially those who work in the confident fields, living separately with people, dedicate themselves to the advancement of human beings. Accordingly, children do not necessarily foster to be socialized ones as those who are not socialized also contribute to the society. 这段主题句是最后一句吧，先说社会关系重要，然后转折说没有必要把每个孩子都培养成具有社会交际能力的人。

Indeed, currently the society face the headache that how to cultivate a child to be an effective and effectual one to the society. With the complex and intricate trend of the society, children are likely to become more complicated and confused, by which the criminal occurrence of the adolescents are in the rise, for they lost their compass in their life. In addition, parents in the household may suffer from exceedingly burden and extremely stress that they, sometimes, ignores the internal feeling of their children, but provide them their physical necessities. It is the foregoing pose the problem concerning to the children education. 这段写的很好啊   

Now that we recognize the cause of the problem, it is undeniable that we have learned how to change the situation presented above. Living in the mundane world, children have met too many negative effect, and thus cannot discern the truth and false. Nevertheless, school can serve as the star in the dark for them, to teach them how to refuse the malign lure, or to guide them in a bright and correct way, even can, if possible, design special education for each student. Parents are also supposed to pay more heed to the growth of their children, not only give them sufficient financial aids家长和孩子不用aid吧。。support好了, but also spare time to be with them in order to realize the real feelings of the children, and keep them healthy both mentally and physically. In that circumstance a child may grow up to be a one who exerts tremendously impact on the society.

In conclusion, socialization is not the indispensable characteristic a prominent one should have. In addition, even if individuals may encounter the masses of problems related to the education of the children, they have sufficient confidence that they will ultimately figure it out. 结尾精干，概括全面，学习之。

我认为你这篇作文写的还是很不错了。细节方面就不说了，结构上我还是想探讨一下，觉得你第一段太长，不如分开两段写，一写socialization的重要，一写并非无socialization不可。这样段落有层次。然后再第三段论述家庭教育和社会教育，这时候可以综合说下学校，社会，家庭三方面因素，最后总结下，整个教育是什么情况，还是可以分两段，先写好的方面，比如有哪些课程，哪些活动，帮助孩子成长，再换一段however还有哪些缺陷。这样写文章的逻辑和层次感立马就上来了。

呵呵，随便说说，你觉得呢？互相学习吧呵呵

kylinUID: 2242436

Are children who are well-socialized the only power in future development of the society? And do we have not yet learned to educate children who are of profound significance for the better society?觉得这里有点怪怪的，白的第一个问题就是问孩子对社会的作用，而第二个问题划线处就擅自把定义给下了，但又不完全契合衔接上一个问题 In my own perspective, one, to some degree, is supposed to adjust to the society, as hardly can anyone survive in a mentally and physically healthy way without the society, however, socialization is merely one factor that determines the prospect of the world. And though there indeed there 去掉 exists quite a few problems of the upbringing of the children in the society,（1。牛觉得，indeed这强调词后面不要接个quite a few这样的，用some之类温和点的可能好点，因为读到indeed的时候感觉后面是比较严重的东西～2。划线处改为 upbringing children in the society会简练点不。。？） people have faith in that they can raise children brilliantly and give them and the society a bright future.

To begin with, socialization seems 加个to？ play a vital role in the progress of the society, however, in my observation it is a minor factor.牛觉得，这里应该把白的观点调到前面，段落首句摆观点 这点貌似比较重要 而且何况白要论述的重点是自己认为的为什么是minor factor Most individuals, if not all, are not born to know how to adjust to the society, 白的下面两句是上一句的举例，都是在说如何适应社会，不如加个for instance之类how to cater to what other's demand, and how to camouflage 不一定用伪装拉如果要成为genteel one，白再想个中性的词 themselves to be a genteel one that can be well get along with. During their childhood, some may be changed to bebecome八 be动词可以尽量减少点 话说ets觉得be动词太简单。。 shrewd and ingenious; others probably remain the nature 这里。。其实nature不等于就是不合群的吖。。后面这个that把本质的定义下死了，改成which may lead to之类会好点不that they have trouble in communicating with their counterpart. It dose not mean, however, they would not devote themselves to the advancement of the society, or even are detrimental to the world as quite a few considered. In most cases, they contribute to the development of the society exceedingly, but immerse in the field that they are familiar with and doing what they are interested in on their own. Take some scientists for example, a large portion of who are stay in the laboratory day and night, especially those who work in the confident fields, living separately with people, dedicate themselves to the advancement of human beings. Accordingly, children do not necessarily foster to be socialized ones as those who are not socialized also contribute to the society.

Indeed, currently the society facesuffers感觉头痛跟faces不搭。。 the headache that how to cultivate a child to be an effective and effectual这俩词好像没啥差别吖。。 one to the society. With the complex and intricate trend of the society, children are likely to become more complicated and confused, by which the criminal occurrences of the adolscents拼写错误 are in the rise, for they lost their compass in their life. In addition根据下文，牛觉得这里应该可以是作为说明孩子失去方向的原因，父母教育不当是其中一个，所以in addtion可以改成it is because之类, parents in the household may suffer from exceedingly burden and extremely stress that they, sometimes, ignoresignore the internal feeling of their children, but provide them their physical necessities感觉这里把提供物质需要置前，用although引导，然后再点出忽略孩子精神需求会好些 而且physical改为substantial之类会好些不。。？. It is the foregoing pose the problem concerning to the children education.      

Now that we recognize the cause of the problem, it is undeniable that we have learned how to change the situation presented above. Living in the mundane world, children have met too many negative effects感觉meet和effect搭配怪怪的, and thus cannot discern the truth and false. Nevertheless, school can serve as the star in the dark for them, to teach them how to refuse the malign lure, or to guide them in a bright and correct way, even can, if possible, design special education for each student. Parents are also supposed to pay more heed to the growth of their children, not only give them sufficient financial aids, but also spare time to be with them in order to realize the real feeling of the children, and keep them healthy both mentally and physically. In that circumstance a child may grow up to be a one who exerts tremendously impact on the society.

In conclusion, socialization is not the indispensable characteristic a prominent one should have. In addition, even if individuals may encounter the masses of problems related to the education of the children, they have sufficient confidence that they will ultimately figure it out.

白这篇段与段之间的大思路还是满清晰的，只是段内有些论述有点小问题，牛已经在文章里说拉~然后偏重看了用词吧 也提了点自己的想法。。因为说到逻辑牛就相当一个不成熟 白know的～牛拍得可能狠了点 但是类 反正是白 就不客气吖什么的了
嗯 白还可以把论证力度加大点 然后再紧凑些 这篇文个人觉得很难写好 有时间再跟白讨论下～～
白加油～嘿嘿

[ 本帖最后由 kylin 于 2008-1-24 12:09 编辑 ]