issue11 求拍求拍

笑看红尘UID：2280977

The course of globalization and the technological enhancements bring on not only convenient and modern life but also more complex problems than ever before, or even crises, which gestates the opinion of developing a global university in order to sole the world's most persistent social problems. To serve the inward purpose, the university will also have a long way to go--forming, storming, norming and eventually performing.（还是不错的，但主题没有明确提示，比如：I strongly agree with the speaker's claim that...)

It is the global nature of the problems that put forward the requirement that all the countries in the world should cooperate with each other--probably in the form of a university--to settle the impediments which we are in face of. An increasing number of international problems have become so serious that they have been threatening the evolution or even the survival of human beings and other innocent species, such as the environmental pollution, the energy crisis, the warming up of the climate, the depletion of the atmospheric ozone, the intimidation of the terrorism, to name a few. At present, in order to achieve and maintain a place in the furious competition, more and more business take a global strategy, which means enlarging their proportion of the limited market and reducing the cost by taking advantage of the labor forces, skills, energy and technologies all over the world. Any fluctuations in political policies, the legal system, and the macro economy can poses pressure and risk to the multinational corporation and other nations. Whichever country will feel incompetent and feeble in face of these tough tasks. (列举了global problems)

As the problems are global, the solutions should also be global.（后面又变了） Aside from the ameliorations and improvements of our daily life, the scientific discoveries and technological advancements also produce more intricate and terrible problems, the treatment of the AIDS or cancers, the procedures to better control the nuclear-power and disposition of the pollutants like plastic exhausted from the everyday life. （又回来了）A global university can bring together the excellent experts and academicians, the finite funds, along with the diverse ideology and methodology. With the blurred boarders of cultures, nationalities and races, the most advanced technologies and discoveries can be gathered and work together for the good of the earth as a whole, and the absolutely different visual angle and thought way may become an especial inspiration of the research. (以下另起炉灶）The assertion that the most terrible danger is produced by man is somewhat reasonable. Taking the conflicts and wars between nations and cultures for example, only with mutual understanding and toleration can we reduce the possibility of the replay of that kind of catastrophes? The university may be a good place to provide the environment for cultivating this international spirit from the young.（语言不错，但是段内结构有些乱）

Before it can serve its purpose functionally, the university would encounter a substantial amount of threatens and temptations for its own sake. The diversity, whether political, religious, cultural or lingual will promise some conflicts and impediments that may even jeopard the existence of the university itself. The decisions about which area is more important or which problem is more urgent may be influenced by the politics, and then the university may become a tool serving the most powerful country in the world. As the lesson of the genetic industry in the Soviet Union in the Stalin era tells, the science hardly functions as well as it should under the direct interruption of the government. These practical concerns heavily undermine the realization of the idea to build a global university.    （这段很精彩，但没体现在开头段里）

Although the global university can create and provide the environment and conditions needed to do some scientific research, there is no guarantee to the solutions, let alone the implementation. As the experience tells, the major purpose of college education is to improve the comprehensive diathesis of the students and to help them shape their own system of values and cognition concerning the world and life. Thus, the determinant in the process of solving the persistent global problems may be the enhancement of the international cognitions and reinforce the coordination of the whole human being. To that global university, if can be constituted one day, universalism should be one of the basically scientific guidelines, which indicates that the authenticity of scientific knowledge must be judged by the impersonal criteria of the scientific method, not by criteria related to the race, nationality, religion ,gender or political ideology.（同上）

最大的优点是语言！语言达到这个程度就可以了，无须在语言上再下功夫。
但是在结构和论证上有点问题：
1 英文讲究形式逻辑，要有态度标志，不要只靠行文来讲述态度
2 段内结构要清晰，每段中心讲一个话题。虽然可以有多个意群，但要有组织。
3 每段最好讲一个观点，一方面的论证，而不是只列举现象。
4 开头段和结尾段要明显全面。
5 结构上有自己的创见是好的，但英文学术写作还是有一定之规的。创建在基本结构基础上才是出色的。
6 论证的说服力好。但层次上稍显单薄，论证的角度在明确就更好了。

   

笑看红尘UID：2280977

谢谢支持！
想认识一下（好语言功夫啊！）

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