作文贴by stoptalking 真的勇士，敢于面对血淋淋的砖头

longxue26UID：2687755

13# stoptalking

Undoubtedly, improving schools helps the development of a country. But it is questionable whether this is the most important factor in the success of a nation. As far as I am concerned, although<这里的although和前面的undoutedly内容上重复> education exerts great influence on the development of a country, improving schools, one effective method of education is not the most
important<避免重复可以说significant> factor in the successful development of a country.

There's a
precondition <这个词就已经是must exist了>that must exist before discussing our topic, and that is whether the progress of education is the most important aspect of the development of a country. Judging the success of a country, there are lots of standards, within which the education level is the most important one. The high level of education not only means the country can cultivate a large number of native talents in the future, but also indicates the great attract to foreigners. A country which can attract most foreigners to stay is absolutely the most successful one.<really??> Therefore, the level of education is crucial <这个词太重了 偏了>to the success of a country.
这段要说啥? 是还是不是啊?

After defining the importance of education, we should figure out the influence of improving schools on education. There are many factors that can influence education. Improving schools is not the only determining one.可更简洁地说 而且跟第二段的开头有重复
Such elements as raising teachers' salaries, caring more for students, adding connections with parents and community also impact the degree to education.<这些例子不还是education相关的吗? improve school的话 这些都会涉及的 要跳出这个圈圈> It is hard to determine that which of them is the essential factor of education, for education are complex combinations of all the factors, unlike calculation whose components can be easily separated to see. In other words, improving schools can not be proved to be the most important factor of education, not to mention in the successful development of a country.

From this analysis, I strongly oppose any position arguing that the improvements on schools can be the essential factor for success of the country. To put it in a simpler and more direct way, “how much the schools improve” should not be applied as criteria for determining how successfully a country develops.

我觉得就是作者没有跳出来想这个话题  当然我写的也不好 水平有限
没有直白的论点
没有detailed的例子
sorry我说话太直接了

longxue26UID：2687755

如果楼主每次能附上word就更感谢了

longxue26UID：2687755

12# stoptalking

Communal online encyclopedias may be the future of organizing encyclopedias, because it has many respects like <中国式英语>traditional printed encyclopedias while it is finished online by all internet users.您这句 忒~长~了 But the reading passage, questions that the communal online encyclopedias still have some serious problems which make them less valuable than traditional ones.  About these, the lecturer opposes the opinions of the reading passage one by one. 开头好具体啊 我也不知道好不好

First, the reading passage argues that online encyclopedias lack academic credential, owing many inaccuracies in their cases. But in terms of error, the lecturer points out that comparing with the long time for traditional encyclopedias to correct their errors, online ones can correct their errors more easily and efficient. 我觉得加一句 那个  traditonal encyclopedia也有很多错误 就更好了哈

Second, the reading passage doubts the safety of online encyclopedias, as everyone has the opportunity to fabricate, delete and corrupt the information of online encyclopedias. The lecturer states that there are two methods to prevent the information being spoiled, one is using a reliable format, and another is hiring an editor to obverse<observe> the whole correcting.

Third, the reading passage thinks online encyclopedias confuse the values of the society, paying too much attention to the popular things. For lecturer, this is the value of online encyclopedias: reflecting the true interest of the public and showing the real world. 我记得还有一点吧 我也没写 就是 online的百科全书 topic 很多 academic article 非常丰富

很简洁! 不错