7.20 vivi凌

kingguohaoUID：2752336

Businessmen are only motivated by desire of money
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In recent years, it has become a common phenonmena(phenomena是复数，应该是phenomenon) that businessmen are exposed to offer bribe to officials and produce low-quality product. Consequently, some people draw the conclusion that businessmen are only motivatied by the desire of money. In my view, however, I don't agree with this opinion. I would like to list several reasons to support my viewpoint.

In the first place, the fact that businessmen bear greater pressure and more fierce competition throw （主语是the fact,这里应该是throws）them into cut-throat  competition. It seems unfire（unfair） to attribute all the blames and criticisms to the businessmen. To take the case of SanLu Companyas(??), one of the most famous factory which produce dried milk in China, as an example, this company went bankrupt since some children got food potsioning(poisoning) after drinking its product. In fact, it's a potential(潜规则？potential是潜在的、有可能的意思。这里换成covert比较好) priciple for companies to add these poisonous additives in the Chinese dried milk industory, SanLu Company just add（added） too much since Sanlu sell its products in a very low price and consequently in order to survive it had no choice.（这句什么意思，别的牛奶公司都加，三鹿公司只是为了生存加得太多了？能说明什么？）

What's more, it's natural for companies to try their best to struggle to survive and make profit. Since the persons(大于三个人用PEOPLE比较好) who run the company burden a high risk and spend a lot of time and money in their career, these businessmen are motivated by the willingness to earn（of earning） their livings and need(needs) for self accomplishment.(这句的因果关系不好，前半句不能说明后半句的原因) What's more(这段开头就一个what’s more,这里换换比较好，比如moreover), many businessmen have a strong sense that they should be responsible for their employees' life. The trend that increasing benefit level and better employer-employee relationship is a sound evidence （这个短语没看懂）to warrant this sense of responsibility.

All in all, the opinion that businessmen are merely motivated by desire of money is unreasonable and unfair because the bad performance to some extent due to the unhealthy market conditions;（不健康的市场环境不正是由于商人们的恶性竞争引起的么？） Moreover, businessmen are just want to survive and burden the obligation to their empolyees.
第二个例子证明力不够。
用词比较丰富。加油！！：）