20天托福110分---旅狼的作文修改铺子

thatllUID：2538832

Agree or disagree with the following statement: it is more important to award students for effort (trying or hard working) than for achievement (good grades)


When confronted with the choice that as to effort and achievement, which is more important to award students for, some will regard awarding for effort as more important; while others will argue that encouragement for achievement is more meaningful. As far as I am concerned, it is more important to award students for effort than for achievement.

To begin with, hard working will bring achievement naturally sooner or later. And achievement can only be obtained by effort, otherwise it is unnecessary to award for a result got without any effort. Hence what we should award for and encourage is the effort because our human beings need such encouragement to move on in the journey of striving. And only if the spirit of effort exists, we can achieve any practical goals. Achievement is just the result; however the precious spirit of willing to pay effort is the right motivation of progress. Take the Edison’s invention light bulb for example. Although we should cherish the gratitude for the invention, I think what deserves award most is the spirit of never giving up and continuing to pay effort when confronted with failure again and again. Such encouragement can incite the other scientists or later generation to create more other powerful inventions, hence leading to make great stride on the development road.

Furthermore, compared with the situation of accomplishment of the goal, it is not difficult to imagine that it is more important to give encouragement to one who has paid plenty of effort yet has not achieved anything. If one can not get the timely incentive, it is probable that he can not sustain to go through the whole plan. For example, if one student has tried his best to complete his own plan for the whole semester assignments. And during the first half part of the semester he paid more attention to the elementary knowledge and tried to make a solid foundation, so not prepared the middle examination well and the score of the test was lower than other students. Do you think it is proper not to award the student if you have seen the effort the student has paid? In my opinion, it is very necessary to encourage the student in time to move on toward his own goal. And I also think that it is more meaningful and important to award the student now than when he accomplishes his goal. In short, we should not be reluctant to give our encouragement to one whose effort deserves praise.

In conclusion, I think what we should advocate is the spirit of perseverance and continuous effort, and hence it is more important and meaningful to award the students for effort.

还请麻烦楼主点评了，期待中

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

12# libra5 好长的文章……汗……
1.如果你有很多东西可写，你就可以把你的手段和末端缩短一些，一首段为例，你可以尝试用简段的句子阐述以下自己的观点就好了。
2.综合你的全文看，发现你的句型和英文水平还是挺好的，就是缺一些结构的组织。还有你很不会用例子，如果能在你的文章中出现一个明显一点的例子，你的文章会提升不少。

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

13# FFFFound
1.你太喜欢用反问句了，这种句型最好不要在文章中一再出现，尤其不要在第一段中重复出现。因为反问句的重复出现会消弱你的证明。
2.你的文章第二段中为了说明老师不是很重要，举得例子，但是并没有说清楚，应该再加上为什么学生不是很喜欢老师，比如：不喜欢讲课方式等等。
3.你的文章大毛病基本上没有，但是有些地方写的不够周全，比如2中的例子，如果能够在完善一下细节，多加入一些说理的句子，会好很多。

libra5UID：2676988

12# libra5 好长的文章……汗……
1.如果你有很多东西可写，你就可以把你的手段和末端缩短一些，一首段为例，你可以尝试用简段的句子阐述以下自己的观点就好了。
2.综合你的全文看，发现你的句型和英文水平还是挺 ...
腾格里旅狼 发表于 2009-8-6 22:28

谢谢你的修改
字数是后来自己慢慢改，加上去的，其实也不算多，460个字。
开头段其实就3部分组成， 背景+理由+观点
你提到说我不大会用例子，能否进一步说明下（哪个例子不妥?），不然我从你这话里也无法得到进步哦，呵呵。
这篇整体结构没问题吧？ 我body段强调的是现在过去的比较，从比较中得出结论。

FFFFoundUID：2612073

13# FFFFound
1.你太喜欢用反问句了，这种句型最好不要在文章中一再出现，尤其不要在第一段中重复出现。因为反问句的重复出现会消弱你的证明。
2.你的文章第二段中为了说明老师不是很重要，举得例子，但是并没有 ...
腾格里旅狼 发表于 2009-8-6 22:38

感谢感谢。

keppel_tuUID：2641964

15# 腾格里旅狼
谢谢对我的作文做出中肯的评价

上面的文章的第3段即第2个例证写的怎么样呢
我应该更开门见山些，对吧

我又写了一篇，麻烦你抽空给我看看，谢谢


Topic: Does modern technology help students learn more information and learn it more quickly?

The answer of this statement depends on students' own experience and life style. In my point of view, the modern technology does help the students to learn more information and learn the knowledge more quickly. Among countless factors there are 3 conspicuous aspects as follows.

The main reason for my propensity for modern technology does benefit students a lot is that students do not have to learn the knowledge only by means of reading books, they can have multi-media ways to learn the knowledge. The multi-media makes the way of learning much more interesting and much more lively,and therefore, the students will find it much easier to understand the meaning of what they leant.

Another reason can be seen by every person is that with the development of technology almost every family have the facilities with the modern technology, such as television, computer and so on. And in this way, it becomes very convenient for the students to get the information. By using the computer, students can surf the Internet which has a great deal of knowledge. Besides, they can also watch TV to get a lot of useful information and broaden their range of knowledge.

Further more, with the modern technology, the students can have interconnection with their classmates even if they are at home, not in the class. Thanks to the modern technology, they can have face to face talk via video connection as if they were in the same room. They can talk to each other and exchange their points of view, needless to stay in the same room. Meanwhile, the teachers can also instruct their students online if their students have any problems, and therefore, the students will learn better.


All in all, the new technology has changed the way of learning. Thanks to the new technology, students can have mulit-media which makes earning more interesting, students can easliy get the latest information on TV or in the Internet and students can even have interconnection with others even if they are at home. The new technology does help the students to learn more information and learn the information more quickly.

lilingziUID：2637207

Do you agree or disagree: A zoo has no useful purpose.

1.        Disagree
2.        Because a zoo can make children happy and give family a place to enjoy their children.
3.        Because I will acknowledge people some information about the animals and widen their horizon.
4.        However sometimes zoo shows like a prison to wild animals, but we have find some solution to solve this problem like set the zoo into the forest or at the inhabitant which animals live.


When zoo has been settled in many cities and many people get chance to see some rare animal in the cities, an argument which illustrate a opinion that zoo are useless is rising among citizens. For me, a new adult, I do not agree the thought that a zoo is meaningless, because I have got so much joys and knowledge from the zoo, and feel happy there is a place for us that living in the towns to get close to the nature.

To begin with, I concede the opinion that the zoo is a fantastic place to get family happy and closer, because it is a place for children to get fun and fulfill their curiosities, on the other hand, when children get happy, they can bring the whole family more laugh and joy. For instance, when I was a little boy, I like wild animals very much and I showed a lot of interests in them, so when my parents took me to the zoo, I can see the animals which we have mentioned a lot for real and get excited. I kept talking to my parent about the tigers and the birds I had seen in the zoo, when I was describing them, I made my parents laugh a lot. Till now, it is a sweet memory for my whole family.

Furthermore, we can learn much knowledge and the character of the rare animals in the zoo as well, because most of the knowledge we can get is something like the profile voice and food of wild animals which is easier to keep in mind when we touch and observe them by ourselves. For example, my parents used to tell me that most of the harmful snakes have a very colorful appearance, but I cannot remember it at all. When they bring me to the zoo, I saw many snakes in the cage, and I got a chance to observe they biting their prey in the cage, at that moment, I recalled my parents’ words and a remembered them from then on.

To sum up, I have to confess that sometimes to put the wild animals in a cage seems inhumane, but we have found an effective way to solve this problem by setting our zoos in the inhabitant the animals live. In fact, the zoo benefits and teaches us a lot. Considering the goodness, joys and knowledge, zoos brought to us, I support the idea that a zoo is useful.      


LZ，其实我有个问题，就是现在大家都说5段比4段好，你觉得5段必要么？

taoyukun-daidaiUID：2657922

Do you agree or disagree: governments should spend more money in support of arts than in support of athletics such as state-sponsored Olympic teams.(08.5.10)

谢谢楼主啊，辛苦了～
An expanding number of people are trying to understand the secret of the art. They believe that art bring happiness and enjoyment, but people who favor athletics, on the other hand, claim that only athletics could strong their body and even the nation. As I perceive the argument, I agree that governments should spend more money in support of arts than in support of athletics. My view will be substantiated by the following reasons.

First of all, it is essential to increase the penetration of art than athletics. As we all know, Olympic Games is held every four year. However, few of us care about the art exhibition. A diminishing number of people are aware of the significances of the art history and learn it by heart. We should pay more attention to the art otherwise we may know nothing about the meaning of the artwork in museum after thousands of years. The more the government spends, the more the citizens pay attention to. Government should spend money in support of arts, for example, the expansion of the Museum of History and the maintenance of heritage so that people could understand the essence of art and enjoy from the arts.

In addition, there are many kinds of arts which the government should develop and maintain. For instance, literature and art let us think deeply and know about the difficult life and even taste others life. Another example, Musical Arts always brings us harmonies melody which gives us the enjoyment. Whenever I am unset, I like to listen to the soft music, it bring me a peaceful and quiet feeling. On the other hand, athletes can not bring us many kinds of feelings inner center. So, it is obvious that supporting arts is a better choice.

Finally, athletes have already developed better than the art does. There is no need to take vast money in the athletes. For example, China earned a lot in the 2008 Olympic Games. People all over the world learned about the China through this activity, but they still think the Great Wall and Museum of Qin Terra Cotta Warriors and Horses are mysterious to the foreigners. The government should let more and more people understand the history of our country so that they could communicate with us deeply.

To some up, the arts need more money to support than the athletes. The government should spend more in the art. Clearly, all analysis warrants an unshakable conclusion that the government should spend more in the arts than athletes.

daney68UID：2582640

呵呵，谢谢，这段时间不怎么忙，所以来帮大家改革作文，你考的怎么样？
腾格里旅狼 发表于 2009-8-5 17:36

不太好，哎。打算重新考。多谢你的帮助，我打算自己把作文改了之后再给你看看。对了，问一下，你一般自己修改是依照一个什么标准呢？你修改作文一般看作文的哪些方面？

sebakUID：2589486

8.30 刚写第一篇 1个多小时才写完的 谢谢啊
It is better for children to grow up in the countryside than in a big city. Do you agree or disagree Use specific reasons and examples to develop your essay.

A prodigious number of people currently do not adapt to the living environment in a big city and prefer to move to a quiet countryside. They argue that the big city suffers a serious pollution from its industry and not everyone feels comfortable living in big cities due to its quick pace. But as for children, I think it is absolutely better for them to grow up in a big city rather than countryside.

The most important advantage over countryside is that a big city can provide its citizen a fair facility and infrastructure. For instance, the hospitals in metropolis are well equipped and possess a lot of high-level doctors and nurses, so it will be easy for children to keep a good health exempted from some severe illness in the wake of being neglected during early period. Also in big city a variety of museum are waiting children to visit which will give them an ideal to be a great scientist.

Children who are educated and live in a big city can readily access to advanced technology due to kinds of technology expositions in big city every year. They learn to chat on line or use the Internet earlier than children who grow up in rural area. You may notice that the average age of netizens are descending right now according to an online survey, and what I just said maybe a reason accounting for this phenomenon. Exposing to high-tech early can foster children a sense of curiosity and ability of imagination, which will contribute to their education, even their work.

Another reason is that information in a big city is much more approachable than in countryside. Due to this, there will be a number of opportunities for children to choose in different period, such as which school to enter into or directly apply for studying abroad. Meanwhile, they can store a relatively large knowledge and information database in their minds, which will pave the way for their future development.

HYPS2011UID：2618437

agree or disagree?
cars have a greater effect of our life than airplane.
Technological advancement has kitted the world to be a seamless web of information ,in which people are able to get the requisites much more easily than ever before. Obviously ,nowadays we can never imagine living in a world that there is no cars for traveling to offices. thus I definitely agree with that cars play a more crucial role in our life .

To begin with, airplane enjoys a high popularity because of it’s fastest speed, comfortable environment, low safe accident rate, and so forth. However, compelling these cases may sound, airplane may give rise to a number of problems. For example airplane is only for long journey, little convenient to common daily use. Hardly can you find a man go to work and back home by plane in our city. with cars we can smoothly go through the city for various use including go shopping, pick up child ,travel to offices and the like.In this sense, plane cannot compete with cars in daily routine for most of us. Therefore, too much emphasize on plane is actually superficial.

Another problem of plane is that the fee may probably beyond your budget, no one can deny the fact that airplane is the most costly transportation vehicle and in the past only moneybags and notable person can enjoy such medium. In most cases, the expense is several times higher than car and train . Taking my personal experience for instance, every semester I choose to by train go home from school only cost approximately 300 RMB while the expense of plane can reach 1200 RMB .As a student I prefer to by train or car rather than the more enjoyable plane.

On the other hand, car can address some people’s needs that plane cannot. For one thing, on weekends drive car for an picnic or outgoing is a good way to relax and an wonderful opportunity to get close with family. For another, cars run on the land that can satisfy those people who have acrophobia.

In conclusion ,as mentioned above and our common knowledge airplane is a essential part of our life that we can also never imagine living in a world that without airplane. Nevertheless, if compared to cars airplane undoubtedly has a relatively less effect on our life.

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

21# keppel_tu 你的段落结构问题不大，但是不能够将说理和离子结合的很好。主要段落的1，2段基本全是说理，没有举例，然后第三段全是举例没有说理。应该把例子和说理结合一下，平衡一下，这样会是你的作文进步很多。

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

22# lilingzi 首段赞一个，提出观点以后在写议论，明确，清晰。
但是你的例子和论据的结合总是感觉太生硬，好像突然给出例子，没有什么铺垫。而且举例子的手段太单一，几乎全是论证+for example/instance+例子。实际上你可以尝试一下在整片段落中只用一句话说例子，其余全部偏重说理。这样文章结构会丰富很多。

关于段落的问题，5段和4段基本没有什么区别。只要结构好就可以了，就个人而言，我更倾向于4段，毕竟好多人为了追求5段而导致没有例子可写，生搬硬套，破坏了文章结构，如果你有充足的内容，这样写出的5段会很有优势。

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

23# taoyukun-daidai 下次能大大一些么……我实在看的眼疼。
第一段，你的第一段写的着实糟糕。例子不明确，我看了3遍都没看懂你问什么要写奥林匹克……它和你要写的东西有什么关联么？就算他是体育盛会，但也不是说除了奥林比克就再也没有别的体育比赛了啊
另外，你的文章中例子太多，应该平衡一下说理和例子的处理，太多的例子容易是你的文章结构不紧密，说理不清晰，单纯的例子太单薄了……

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

24# daney68 修改的作文都是按照外教给我改作文似的标准还有托福考试的经验。不改语法……