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本帖最后由 草木也知愁 于 2009-5-28 19:07 编辑
官方范文Issue部分
SAMPLE 1
"Both the development of technological tools and the uses to which humanity has put them have created modern civilizations in which loneliness is ever increasing."
题目分析:
1,关键词: technological tools, uses, loneliness
2,限定词: both, development, modern civilizations, ever increasing
3,逻辑类型: is 型
关键词:告诉你这篇文章让你写些什么,抓住了,你的文章大的思路就正确了。
限定词:这是将文章写“准”的基本前提,有的题目比较长,题目本身就有限定词,比如这道题。但有的题目很短,这样就增加了难度,因为需要你自己去给他限定,不然就会写的很宽泛,这和写论文一个思路,如果要写的准写的有深度,宽泛便是大忌,这样的题目范文里也有,后期我会详细说明。
逻辑类型:这个是最最重要,也是最最容易被大家搞不清楚的,而不幸的是,如果这里没有把握准确,文章则会全盘皆输,成功进入答非所问的境界,rater边看边说,wow,what are you talking about? 这样就有些尴尬了。
Ok ,关于这三点具体在本文的体现,我会在文后详细说明,不在这里说,是为了不影响大家的思路,大家看文章的时候先自己体会。在文章中寻找这三点,也许你会有比我更深刻的发现。请先不要翻到后面看,自己对文章有个整体的把握是理解的前提。
Technology, broadly defined as the use of tools, has a long history. Ever since Erg the caveman first conked an animal with a rock, people have been using technology. For thousands of years, the use of tools allowed people to move ever closer together. Because fields could be cultivated and the technology to store food existed, people would live in cities rather than in small nomadic tribes. Only very lately have Erg's descendants come to question the benefits of technology. The Industrial Revolution introduced and spread technologies that mechanized many tasks. As a result of the drive toward more efficient production and distribution (so the ever larger cities would be supported), people began to act as cogs in the technological machine. Clothing was no longer produced by groups of women sewing and gossiping together, but by down-trodden automation's operating machinery in grim factories.
我标出的这些并不是什么好词好句,当然我不否认写的很精彩,但是我标出来的在于强调他们题目中关键词和限定词的完美回应。至于是如何对应的,这里我先不详细指明了,大家自己想一想。
The benefits of the new technology of today, computers and the internet, are particularly ambiguous. They have made work ever more efficient and knit the world together in a web of information and phone lines. Some visionaries speak of a world in which Erg need not check in to his office; he can just dial in from home. He won't need to go to a bar to pick up women because there are all those chat rooms. Hungry? Erg orders his groceries from an online delivery service. Bored? Download a new game. And yet...
Many people, myself included, are a little queasy about that vision. Erg may be doing work, but is it real work? Are his online friends real friends? Does anything count in a spiritual way if it's just digital? Since the Industrial Revolution, we have been haunted by the prospect that we are turning into our machines: efficient, productive, soulless. The newest technologies, we fear, are making us flat as our screens, turning us into streams of bits of interchangeable data. We may know a lot of people, but we have few real friends. We have a lot of things to do, but no reason to do them. In short, the new technology emphasizes a spiritual crisis that has been building for quite some time.
As I try to unravel which I believe about the relative merits of technology, I think it is instructive to remember technology's original result. A better plow meant easier farming, more food, longer lives, and more free time to pursue other things such as art. Our newest technology does not give us more free time; it consumes our free time. We are terminally distracted from confronting ourselves or each other. We stay safe, and lonely, in our homes and offices rather than taking the risk of meeting real people or trying new things.
While I am certainly not a Luddite, I do believe we need to look for a bit more balance between technology and life. We have to tear ourselves away from the fatal distractions and go out into the world. Technology has given us long lives and endless supplies of information. Now we need to apply that information, use the time we're not spending conking our dinner with a club, and find our reasons for living.
好了,希望大家是按照我的要求,带着那三个因素看完的这一遍,如果是的话,想必你一定会有一些感触,我现在来详细说一下issue里这三个重要因素在这篇范文里的完美体现,大家边看边想,同时欢迎补充意见。
关键词: technological tools, uses, loneliness
1,Technological tools: 科技(客观)
2,Uses :人们对科技的利用(主观)
3,Loneliness: 孤独
前面的两个关键词都好说,都是实词,意义明确,也没有什么好展开的,而关键的关键在于loneliness.孤独,什么是孤独呢,孤独表现在那些方面呢?其实不用查韦氏,我们也多少可以有些体会,孤独无非就是:
1)不和外界交往,独身一人,不接触社会。
2)与外界交往,有朋友,但是仍然感到孤独,就是因为没有真心的朋友,对生活没有目的,对工作没有追求等这样的混沌状态。
那么the usage and development of modern technological tools 又如何让人们感到孤独呢?怎样表达这样的孤独呢?
限定词: both, development, modern civilizations, ever increasing
1、both: both限定了你要写的是两者互相作用所产生的结果,而不仅仅是t或u
2、development: 这个词赋予了题目强烈的动态特征,是因为科技的发展而不是因为科技本身导致的loneliness,也就是强调一个原来没有但是随着发展却出现了的意味。题目将这个指明了,在文章中写不写得出来就看作者的水平和审题能力了。
3、modern civilization:这个是用来限定loneliness的,大家可以想想,什么是
当代的loneliness,和原来的有什么不同,原来的loneliness是什么导致的,现在的呢?
4、ever increasing:
这个是说loneliness,对应了限制科技的development,说明你要在文章中写出loneliness也不断增长的动态意味。
好了,我们看看范文是怎么处理以上问题的:
Opening:
首段作者用先用history回应了development,接着又用两个很据时代特征的表达,conked an animal with a rock 和Industrial Revolution 构造出一个鲜明的对比,然后用ever since, first, for thousands of years, very lately, 这样的表示时间的词凸显了动态特征。
表现出了以前的technological tools allowed people to move closer together 这是和loneliness相反的,则说明在development 前,科技并没有让人们loneliness,这样,而随着Industrial Revolution 的爆发,科技日益迅速发展,原来的 group ,gossip(loneliness的反面) 被 down-trodden 和 grim factorie(loneliness)代替。
文章开篇并没有用agree or disagree这类的词汇,但却将作者意思表现的明确彻底,而且把题目审的通通透透,这样的开头,我想已经让rater折服了。
而当我们遇到此类文章的时候,我们是不是也应该仔细想想,题目到底有没有一些隐含的意思还未被我们挖掘,有没有一些词汇对我们的行文具有宝贵的指示意义……
Body1
用today限制了technology, 文章处处凸显作者思维的严谨。首句就指出,当代这些科技的好处是很ambiguous的,在body1里先说出了一些貌似科技所带来的好处,这些都是现象,紧扣文章的逻辑类型。
这个结尾很不错,值得我们学习,用and yet表示转折,回应前面的ambiguous,如果没有这个转折的话的话,这段论证就失误了,因为无法论证首句对benefit 的质疑。而and yet…又有带着读者进入下一段的作用,完美的段间过渡。
Body2
接着上段的and yet 开始转折,用myself included强调了作者的观点。大家可以想,loneliness是一种精神状态,一种真实的感受,作者随即用反问的real 和 spiritual way 表达了对当代科技在人们精神情感方面产生的作用的质疑,紧接着,又用soulless, screens, few real friend, interchangeable data, no reason, spiritual crisis 讽刺了当代人由于过于依赖modern technology 而产生的精神危机,而这种spiritual crisis has building for quite some time 又回应了题目的ever increasing, 这样一气呵成的论证展示给rater的是作者对文章高度的驾驭能力。
而紧扣题目,时刻点题也是我们需要好好学习的。这种略带挖苦讽刺的语气,貌似很对ets的胃口,后面的范文中也有,看来用一些犀利的文字更能刺激ets的神经,其实,文章犀利代表你观点明确,而软绵绵的表达,时不时让个步很有骑墙派的嫌疑,写文章,特别是aw,最最忌讳的就是骑墙派。大家要注意这点。
Body3
刚刚看到merits,大家也许质疑,文章不是再让步么?确实,文章让步了,但是这里有个关键的original,也就是科技最初,最本质给人们带来的是什么。这和我们题目中的development 正好相反,作者这样写是为了凸显题目中的both这个关系,上段主要写了科技带来的负面影响,这段用一个original表现出其实科技本身是好的,只是人们的uses有问题,人们过科技过于依赖导致了今天的spiritual crisis. 看段中的newest 又回应了development,而不愿意meeting real people or trying new things 又是loneliness的体现。
在上一段说明了科技带来的精神危机后,这段又强调了人们对科技uses的错误,这样的一段将both 这层关系很好的体现出来,如果没有的话,就显得对题目有一些缺失,所以,在我们遇到这类两者作用的文章的时候,想想这篇范文,看看我们应该怎样表达这种关系,从而使文章更加准确的回应题目。
Closing:
升华段,有很多同学不知道怎么将自己的文章准确的升华,担心升华跑题了,呵呵,这篇文章就是一个很好的参照范例。
到底怎么升华呢?当然不能随便煽情,一不小心煽偏了就很不好了,对于这道题来说,作者非常聪明的抓住了both这层隐含关系,用balance 升华这层关系,明显准确且颇具高度,题目说是both 造成了现在的loneliness,你不能loneliness了就不管了啊,我们是不是可以做点什么解决这个loneliness呢?当然,科技发展不能停止,但人们的行为是可以改变的呀,所以,我们在apply 和use 这些科技带来的好处的时候,需要去find our reasons for living,这句结尾非常之妙,再次对应上文,提出了面对科技的发展人们解决spiritual crisis,也就是避免loneliness的途径。
很多同学问,is类型的文章能不能用should升华,当然可以,就看你把我的准不准,仔细体会这个结尾段,作者并没有单纯的说in order to get rid of this loneliness, we should bla bla bla 而是用一个balance作为升华点,之后在这个balance 上做文章,要达到balance我们应该怎样。这样就非常准确了。
COMMENTARY
This outstanding response displays cogent reasoning, insightful, persuasive analysis, and superior control of language.
The essay immediately identifies the complexities of the issue and then playfully explores both the benefits and the drawbacks of technological developments over the course of human history.
The writer maintains that a "balance between technology and life" is necessary if humans are going to abate the loneliness that is part of modern existence.
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