20天托福110分---旅狼的作文修改铺子

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

79# perception 这里有个问题，你对比一下题目和你的论点：题目：The environmental issue is too complex to be handled by the individual。强调的是environmental issue，complex和individual. 你的论点：this by no means implies that individuals can do nothing beneficial to our environment。强调的是：individual, beneficial, environment。 题目文的是环境的整体问题，而你却将他缩小为有益的方面。有些跑题，这道题属于陷阱题，对于这种题，你基本上只能同意，因为整个环境问题太大，尤其是对于一个人来讲，无论你写的什么政府啊，或其他的，都要涉及到其他人。所以这里只能agree.

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

80# keppel_tu 你的第一段中强调的重点错了，不是因为经济的发展而造成的环境恶化，而是因为经济发展所带来的资源过度利用从而导致环境的恶化。虽然看起来这不是一个很大的问题，但是你的文章中如果出现太多这样的地方，分数就不可能超过23.另外，你的论点有些跑题：题目强调的是work together，而你却强调do something. 然后你的第一个论断完全跑题，题目强调的是work togther， 而你却在强调公司行为，而且是个别公司。 综合来看，你的这篇文章又跑题嫌疑，这里的work together想强调的是是否应该，而不是怎么去做。

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

83# 土豆美国 麻烦你分下段，谢谢。

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

84# appletreee 标准的模板开头。如果考试不是很急的话，可以抛开模板写一下。你的论点和论据都没有问题，但是你的文章显得太单薄了，应该尝试加入一些例子和长句子，使文章看起来更丰满一些。很欣赏你的最后一段，突出了思考的两面性，尤其是“As we can draw from the above discussion, although life time employment will make the employees live under less pressure and make the company run more stable,”这一句话，写的尤为精彩。

土豆美国UID：2602830

108# 腾格里旅狼
我分段了呀，共五段，是不是第二段太长了？？？？？？？？？？？帮我改下，谢谢。
谢谢，这是我写的第二篇，写了一个半小时，有太多要注意的，总是写不快
Some people believe that a college or university education should be available to all students. Others believe that higher education should be available only to good students. Discuss these views. Which view do you agree with? Explain why.



To study in college or university is a dream holded more or less by all students. But as we all know, no matter in history or today’s situation, it is untrue and impossible. And in my opinion, college education only should be available to good students, not all students, meanwhile let college benefit all people.

Because, at frist, can you imagine, if a university available to all students? For instance, recent years, China’s university enlarged the numble of their students. As my own experience, a small classroom which designed for 30 students, now are full of every corner with 50 students. Futher more seriously, university’s laboratory instrument, before the enlargement, it’s use situation is that each student has his/her own instrument to handle. But for now, it has being handled by turn, generally as one student handles with other two students looking at. In addition to that, it is merely just an enlargement, without available to all students. If, therefore, university is not university was, people who attended to university to get higher education received only a name about university education. At last, no one will get a real university education. And in my opinion, to people who deserve to get university education is not fair. Their resourses earn by their hard study work is leveled. Could it be looked as a punishment to hard work or ability？

And also, university is not a supermarket. University is born by the duty to explore the truth for human beings, which is destined to be hard and lonely that can not suit for majority but minority. Especially, to someone who can not endure the loneliness. On the other hand, just because those heros who enjoyed loneliness and struggled hard to advance and refresh our knowledge, benefit for the whole society and all people.

Although college education is only available to good students, however, no wall is in the kindom of knowledge. In another word, knowledge is opening to all people. Therefore, even if without college education, people can learn what he want and also find his/her niche in today’s society.

Finally, in a conclusion, I insist university should be available only to elite, and also, meanwhile, take care of the benefit of all people.

perceptionUID：2299669

恩 这个问题倒是没想过 受教了 本来以为作文题目都是正反两面可写的

handle这个词语可能还是大了点，和could an individual do something to benefit the environment?还是不一样的

谢谢

79# perception 这里有个问题，你对比一下题目和你的论点：题目：The environmental issue is too complex to be handled by the individual。强调的是environmental issue，complex和individual. 你的论点：this b ...
腾格里旅狼 发表于 2009-8-18 00:01

061308011UID：2635385

同意与否renewable resources of energy (sun,wind,water) will soon replace fossils fuels such as gases,oil,and coal?

Previously, few people mention the term "energy" ,But nowadays, with the widespread energy crisis and the invention of new power utilization, the issue of the displacement of renewable resources such as sun,wind,water to fossils fuels such as gases,oil,and coal has heated.As for me,I believe that  it is the irreversible trend that fossil fuels are doomed to be edged out by renewable resources because of their limited storage and polluting nature.

First of all ,fossil fuels have exposed a plethora of  inborn disadvantages.The most serious shortcoming is the limited storage. It is a common sense that coals, oil, are mainly formed by deposit of ancient plants, and so is the principle of the formation gases. Since they are unrenewable --once burned, they vanish--the limited storage has already could not afford the large amount of energy required by human activities.Therefore, the energy crisis drives human beings to explore new energy sources. In addition,the over-utilization of fossil fuels has already generated a meriald of serious environmental problems. Burning too many coals is the main reason for global warming and acid rain,which melt the Antarctic iceberges and erode architectures and crops.The tremendous environmental degradation also calls for alternative energy resources.

Then with the advancement of physical and geological science , we used our wisdom and invented many technology to take  advantage of other natural resource which those shortcoming of the fossil fuels can be avoid. Sunshine is inexhaustible. We will never worried that one day the earth will be short of sun light. So are wind and water. Besides, compared with fossil fuels, the utilizations of these natural resources are cleaner and environmental friendly. They will not generate unpleasing smells or poisoning  chemicals. All of these advantages are selfexplaintalry to the irresistible trend of displacement of renewable energy  to the fossil fuels.Actually many country has already reached the consensus and run programs to further investigate and popularize the application of these new power supply.

Over the past century, human beings have already paid a heavy lesson for the plundering utilization of fossil fuels . And now renewable energies provide us an vision to break away the shadowiness of past and build a better society. The fossil fuels will be deserted very soon.

appletreeeUID：2631898

谢谢老狼！评判的很中肯，我写的的确缺少例子。我会努力的！

weilkingUID：2645411

作文是我的老大难了，时间上总感觉很紧，这篇超了5分钟。。。
小小拙文，虚心求教

Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the statement: you(student) should take the most difficult class in colleague or at university, even if you cannot get the top grades (or marks )in them.

It is widely believed that students should take challenging courses as much as possible. The difficulty rate of  courses are the prior standard for student to choose curriculums. Personally speaking, challenging courses are not suitable for all the students, but the courses for prominent ones. Because a part of knowledge we learn form  these classes is really obscure and useless.
     Admittedly, difficult courses are able to enhance our professional abilities in future research. Actually universities set these classes with the original purpose that the further research for specific field of science needs these aspects of knowledge. In the campus different students have various interest in study. Most of then are not willing to continue research work after graduation. Then these difficult classes seem unnecessary for them.
     In additon,  success in study cannot be judged by the number of difficult classes or the difficulty rate of them. The basic knowledge of each subject is actually the critical one we need. For example, there are two students in front of us waiting for our judgement who is more preeminent. One selects a mount of difficult classes but the scores he gets are really poor, including the ones of the basic classes. The other has less challenging classes but he get several full marks in exams. Who is excellent? Of course the late. From the scores he gets he must be a industrious student and has a sturdy fundament. In contrast the first one cannot be judged successful obviously.
    Finally , owing to the difficulty of these kinds of classes, it is dangerous for us to get failed. As the obscure words in books, it will take us a lot of time to prepare for the final exams. The fact, which make us feel more anxious,  the questions appear on papers may seem to be not related to the thesis of the classes. That needs us to have comprehensive ability of this subject. If one is not proficient in this field, it is better for you to give up the mind.
    In conclusion,   difficult classes are the instruments to heighten professional skills, but they are not the necessary ones for all students. Everyone should choose these kinds of classes upon his/her own ability. Also, lecturer in universities should give students some constructive advices while they are selecting classes.

tenetUID：2186864

随机抓到的第一篇，嗯，希望楼主指点~~谢咯！
Topic: If you could invent something new, what product would you develop? Use specific details to explain why this invention is needed.

Nowadays, life quality for modern people is getting better and better. We have more delicious food, more entertainment equipment, and more comfortable houses. However, there is one thing getting less and less, that is, water. However comfortable life is, we still can not survive without water. As a result, I would like to invent a household water recycling system.
The new-developed system should not be too large. It can be installed in every apartment. The system should have several sections. It can gather used water in kitchen or laundry room and clean it through filtration and some chemical reactions. Then the treated water will be stored in a "water box" preventing bacteria and can be used again through a saparate faucet. The treated water can be used again in house cleaning, laundry or other ways.
I would like to develop this system for a few reasons. But all of them basically attribute to the shortage of natural resources. For the first, it wil contribute to save a lot of water in cities and reduce the water treatment work amount for water treatment plants. In another aspect, we all know that in some rural areas, water is not so easily to get. With this system, people can use same amount of water for longer time. Since they do not need to go our for fetching water so frequently as before, manpower can be used on some different things to improve their lives. Further more, I strongly believe that installation of this system in everyone's home will educate people to save water. In some places where there is plenty of water resource, people always like to use water excessively. However, this equipment will perform as a reminder that we humanbeings are always facing to lack of water resource.
Above is the system I would like to develop. I really hope that with its help, we all can make efforts together to save our natural resource and make a better tomorrow on earth.

jesse19871106UID：2684470

45． Some people prefer to get up early in the morning and start the day's work. Others prefer to get up later in the day and work until late at night. Which do you prefer? Use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.
To get up early or late is a very individual thing . Some people prefer to burn the night oil and get up late in the morning since they are accustomed with it . However ,I choose to get up early to start my work. I believe it can benefit my health and allow me to have high efficiency , most importantly , lots of vital things have to be done in the daytime.
    In the first place, the air in the early morning is fresher and contain more chemical elements which are healthier for breathing such as O- .So when you do some sports in the yard or just walk for several minutes ,you will  respire much healthier air then you will feel that your mind is much more clear  . What’s more , jogging and swimming in the morning will make your  body strongly built and let you be full of energy for a hole day no matter what you do .Besides, you will have a very sound sleep in the quiet night if you get up early  in the morning. All of these will surely bring you metal and physical health
In the second place , to get up early can bring me high efficiency . If I get up early, I will have enough time to prepare my own breakfast  and eat with ease. so I am be more likely to concentrate my mind on the study in school without being hungry .So the efficiency of studying will be raised to a large extent. Besides , getting up early in the morning also means that I can catch up the school bus readily . So I don’t necessarily  ride my bike on busy roads in high speed ,which will save my quantities of energy and offer me a lightened mood. Undoubtedly , I will be more willing to engage in my learning and learn better and more quickly.
The last point I want to say is that most people have their vital work in the morning . For example , students’ major classes are constantly in the morning . important jobs or meetings of a company are always prepared in the morning as well . So students and staffs are required to be activity especially in the morning . And only getting up early can make us be qualified for our work.
Taking account of factors above , I believe getting up early in the morning is more considerably worthwhile for me . Do so, I can live a healthy life and finish my most important work with high efficiency.
多谢版主！

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

102# superzhangzi 模板开头，再重复一遍，如果你不是马上要考托福，可以尝试抛开模板，因为一定的模板容易对你造成束缚，另外，模版还会是你的写作思路收到局限，我有个朋友就是这样，非要用模板，但是以用模板文章就很平庸。最后得分也不高。但是如果你的水平一般，或者是马上要考试，用模板练习还是捷径。你的正文地一段写的很乱，尤其是这一点“is not it necessary that we give some consideration to take a rest for our health through having a marvelous touring? We visit a great amount cities, ”前一个we应该是只所有人，后一个we应该只你们，但是你都用一个we，到只有一种错觉，就是所有人都visit a great amount cities.第二段的例子举得太差了“Only after you visit and observe the Gold Gate”这个例子你在尝试说明“you would substantially realize how magnificent the construction is and raise the passion to strive for your dream,”，而你的开头是说“Thanks to traveling, we obtain a beneficial access to the vast ocean of knowledge.”

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

为 103# tomato100 你在第一段说it is impossible to work for one company for so long time.这里的impossible指的是从古到今，但是你的地一段就写了“in the last thirty years, changing job is an impossible thing to most Chinese. ”这就意味着你自己在反驳你自己的论点。关于你的问题“写作文的时候总感觉论点展开的很生涩，有时会出现写了主题句不知道怎么论证的状况，应该怎么解决啊？”我认为，最好的方法就是问一下what和why，一般情况下，一个why就能解决5句话，然后在说一下what，最后加例子，你就OK乐。

ivytogetherUID：2508316

你好，旅狼，非常感谢你的评注，我现在比较困惑的是文章结构，我第二段想用admittedly，做一个让步，就是先说一下它稍微不好的地方，下面两段写好的方面，最后总结说优点更重要，你觉着这样累赘嘛？thx~~ 98# 腾格里旅狼

腾格里旅狼UID：2573178

104# zenghui111113 在写科技发展和教育的时候，这两个东西不是很连贯。“It’s undeniable that continuously developing technologies have  brought tremendous benefits to every aspects of our modern life ,especially in learing area.”不是科技的发展使教育领域受益很大。而是科技的发展所带来的信息技术的进步对教育发展带动很大。这虽然在中文中感觉没什么，但是美国人看起来你就是缺了点东西，文章不连贯，逻辑不缜密。你的文章大体的问题就是如此，另外，缺少一些例子，但是你的论证非常不错，尤其是第三段，很精彩。呱唧呱唧。